Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[klatukatt]

*The beeping was loud, but it was in a disused room because most people had already learned what happens when you mess with the Tolkien verse. One operative named Christie however was running down the corridor and heard the beeping. The computer was spitting out statistics like mad. Christie looked at some of the names then got a surprised look right in the face.*

Christie: KATT!

Katt: *materializing in the room beside her* Hi!

Christie: Jeez! What are you, and Igor?

Katt: It's an ambition of mine.

Christie: Well never come up behind me again. Remember what happened the last time you did that?

Katt: That was YEARS ago. I can't believe you're still freaked out about that.

Christie: It wasn't nice of you. Anyway you are in trouble.

Katt: Me?

Christie: Yes, you. Upstairs hasn't even heard about this yet.

Katt: What?

Christie: *shoves papers in her face* Look at that!

Katt: Oh. That.

Christie: I thought you said your Mary Sue days were over.

Katt: They are, that's just an alter-ego of mine.

Christie: Can't you keep her in check?

Katt: No.

Christie: But look at the mess her and her friends have made! How could they not have gotten caught before?

Katt: *meekly* They always follow the plot.

Christie: ANY self insert is a BAD self insert. Who is this Nelson? He doesn't have any record for any fanfiction whatsoever. In fact, he doesn't even exist outside this fanfic!

Katt: Ah, well, I think they created him so they could have a bad guy.

Christie: That's horrid!

Katt: Aw, give um a break. They're just actors.

Christie: I'll give you a break! Do you want me to take this Upstairs?

Katt: No! I'll handle it.

Christie: I'm going with you. You know you haven't been her long enough to go on your own.

Katt: Okay, just let's try and keep a low profile. I DON'T want Upstairs finding out.

*As the PPC prepared to descend upon the helpless little TLA, the TLA, who were not so helpless after all, had tied up a Valar named Morgoth and were now looking for a place to put him.*

Tano: Hey, how bout in Nelson's office.

*They opened the door and got a bowl of shock thrown right in their faces.*

Christina: Eww. Katt! Gross!

Tano: That is disturbing, but strangely unexpected.

Eärniel: Where did you get that spider?

*They stared at the cocooned Nelson turning green on the floor as the spider vanished in a puff of smoke.*

Katt: The spider? I, um, just borrowed him from another role play. Ahem.

Maggie: Are you feeling all right? This really isn't like you.

RYM: Yeah. I mean, white and sticky is one thing--

Glor: BUT! Um, we just thought we'd find you...

Tano: um...

Morgoth: Knee deep in physical contact? That is more her style.

Katt: Eh. I wasn't inspired.

*Just then they heard footsteps coming down the hall.*

Christina: YAY! It's the Valar! We're in here!

Tano: And you'll be SOOOOOO proud of us when you see what we've done!

*The door opened once more.*

Eärniel: Those don't look like Valar, guys.

*CUT TO COMMERCIAL*

[klatukatt]

Commercial: Hi, I'm Yavanna. I'm famous, and I'm nearly naked. If you shop at Valar's Secret you too can look like a goddess.

*END OF COMMERCIAL*

Christie: What the hell was that? Commercials? In a role play?

Katt: Settle down.

TLA: Wha? Katt? Katt?

Katt: *the one holding Nelson* Oh boy. I didn't know you went and joined the PPC.

Katt: *the PPC one* I didn't know you did bad role play.

Katt: Yes you did.

Katt: Well, yeah. Whatever.

Christie: Godsdamnit Katts! Quit it! AHEM. To the ones that call themselves the TLA: You are charged with excessively bad role play to the degree that this entire universe needs to be restarted. Although I usually just go after Mary Sue's, I think I can handle an entire group of role-players. Prepare to DIE!

Human: *Dancing in* We've won! We've won! The day is saved, the Valar are coming! We've won, we've won, we've WON!

Christie: Who are YOU?

Human: Oh, we're being charged now? Sorry. *Shuffles to the back of the TLA*

Christie: How many of you are there?

Tano: What, in this RPG?

Eärniel: Or in the other two as well.

Christina: Oh, there have been sooo many over the years...

Maggie: Some are a different character every year.

TLAKatt: Others stay the same through out.

RYM: Some just got picked up with the flow.

Human: Others are just plot devices.

Ren: Some aren't even here anymore.

Glor: Hey, don't look at me. I'm not a TLA member.

Christina: WAIT JUST A MINUTE! *Turns to PPCKatt* Who am I supposed to kill?

TLAKatt: Well, I know one person that needs to die. *Takes out dagger and stabs Glorfindel in the side*

PPCKatt: HEY! No hurting cannon characters. *Pulls out a gun and blows TLAKatt's head off*

*The headless corpse of TLAKatt fell to the floor.*

Tano: She was right, you know. Glorfindel is supposed to be dead.

PPCKatt: Oh. Whoops.

Glorfindel: I'm not dead yet.

Maggie: Of course you aren't, honey.

TLA: Awww.

Christie: Eeeew. A cannon character in love with a Sue! Gross!

Katt(the one that's still alive): *puts her hand on Christie's shoulder* Just let it go.

*At that moment, the Valar burst in.*

Manwë: Morgoth! We are taking you back to be chained under the earth with the most appalling undergarments imaginable! And as for the TLA—

Christie: Excuse me, sir, but we were just about to get rid of these pesky interlopers for good.

Ulmo: You, you are getting rid of the TLA? Thank you! Oh thank you thank you thank you!

*Ulmo collapsed onto Christie’s shoulders and started weeping.*

Katt(the one from the PPC, remember? the other one is dead): Well, now that that’s all sorted.

*The Valar left with Morgoth and just forgot the TLA ever existed.*

Christie: Now we still have to fix that problem with the tanks and airplanes.

Katt: Hey, Numenor does sink under the sea. Why don’t we just blow it up and leave the TLA here to drown?

Tano: That’s funny, because that’s just what the OTHER Katt was thinking…

Christina: Yeah, but what are they going to do about… you know.

Christie: What?

Eärniel: Um, maybe you’d better go outside and take a look.

*On the way out, Katt shot Mr. Nelson as well.*

*On the surface… how do I say this? Everything glowed.*

Christie: What did you DO to these poor elves?

Human: Well, there was a certain amount of radioactivity in the ammunition we were using from the bombers—

Glor: So that’s what radioactivity does.

Christie: I am at a loss for words. How could you have done this to our beloved Middle Earth?

Ren: Come on, it was just a bit of fun.

Christie: FUN? FUN? YOU CALL THIS FUN! ARG!

*Christie broke down crying. Katt comforted her before turning to the TLA.*

Katt: I think you’d better leave. Don’t come back to Middle Earth for a while.

Miriam: Come on, children. It’s time to go.

Eärniel: Miriam! Where have you been?

Miriam: You left me with the Valar, remember?

TLA: No.

Miriam: What ever.

Tano: ooh! Look! A spaceship! Last time we only had a ferry.

*As they were boarding the Random Young Man stopped.*

RYM: Where are we going?

Maggie: We’re dropping Glor at MIFT and then going back to the real world. You can go to MIFT too, if you like. The real world probably isn’t the place for you.

RYM: Nah. I’ll stick with the TLA for a while longer.

*Katt waved as the spaceship flew off. She and Christie escorted all the still living (but a bit glowy) elves out of the shock radius and prepared to sink Numenor into the ocean forever.*

BOOM

*In the spaceship:*

Miriam: This last session of the TLA is called to order. Let me do roll call. Tano?

Tano: Here.

Miriam: Eärniel?

Eärniel: Here.

Miriam: Christina?

Christina: Here.

Miriam: Ren?

Ren: Here.

Miriam: Maggie?

Maggie: Here.

Miriam: Random Young Man?

RYM: Present.

Miriam: Human?

Human: I’m driving.

Miriam: Oh, that’s right. And how about our special guest?

Glor: I’m here. I’m not dead yet, either.

[Earniel]

Tano: *sighs* Booted out of Middle-earth... Sort of embarrassing...And all we did was showing Miriam how the Silmarillion went. It's not fair, we even followed the plot!

Arcala: I suppose one could ask which plot, though...

Ren: Fair enough, we had some deviations along the road...

Christiana: Funny that it's over. So suddenly. One moment we're fighting and winning this big battle with all these nice special effects, the adrenalin rushing, hearing Morgoth wail for his mommy while being pelted with chocolate wrappers... And the next moment, poof! Expelled.

Eärniel: But is it really over? It feels like it shouldn't.

Miriam: That's because you're still in denial. Like you were the moment you stepped into my office, Eru kno- gah! You infected me! - anyone knows how long ago. I for one am glad I can finally go home to some normality.

*So am I! Thank the gods it's over! For three years I have been stuck narrating this thing! I've been bullied, threatened and put out of a job! No more! I'm free! Freeeeeeeeeee!*

Maggie: It would seem the narrator is too.

[Lady Marion Magdalena]

Maggie: Only one problem.

Miriam: What?

Maggie: The narrator ran off before we could properly finish.

Glor: Like you lot can't narrate for yourselves...

Earniel: Was that sarcasm? I can't tell without the narration.

Glor: Yes it was.

Miriam: Will one of you just hurry up and narrate the ending already? I want to go home!

Maggie: Alright, alright! Jeez... no need to be impatient, give me a moment to think. ... ... ... ... Right, got it. Ahem.

*Thus the spaceship landed in the parking lot of MIFT and Glor was duly checked in to the rehabilitation center and he waved goodbye to the TLA with a sigh of relief.
Having completed that last task the remaining players returned to the place of their orgins. That fated room where so long ago a group of people had been sent, to recieve therapy for their obsession.*

Miriam: Home! Home at last! I vow never to leave this beautiful, dusty office with a group of obsessive teens again!

Tano: Well at least she's happy.

Miriam: Here! You're all cured! Go, live, be free to read other authors and discuss other topics! Just Go!

*A tad frightened by the rapid accumulation of exclamation points the 'cured' TLAers take their papers and leave Miriam to her raptures. They glumly walk to the corner at which they have parted ways so many times before.*

Earniel: So... this is it I guess.

Tano: Yeah, no more meetings...

Ren: No more magically appearing chocolate.

Christiana: No more getting kicked out of of everywhere interesting by the elves, or caught in the middle of terrifying battles, or dropped by penguins...

Tano: Mind, you, I can do without getting dropped by penguins.

Earniel: Mm, yeah.

Ren: And it'll be nice not to have to worry about what sort of weapon you'll have to improvise next.

RYM: I never went to a meeting.

Human:So... does this mean...?

Tano: Heck yeah!

Earniel: Let's go raid the grocery store and celebrate!

Maggie: I'll be right there. I've got to finish narrating.

Tano: Good luck with that.

Earniel: See you later then.

Maggie: I'll catch up with you all as soon as I'm done.

*Meanwhile, back in the glowing ruins of Middle Earth*

Christie: This is a disaster! How did they go undetected so long? There isn't a single major event that hasn't been messed with, starting at creation and going all the way to the sailing of the ring-bearers!

Katt: Yup, can't say they weren't thorough. I told you they followed the plot.

Christie: But they screwed it up! We'll have to go all the way back to the point at which they entered this universe and re-start history so that it can take it's course without them.

Katt: That could be complicated, they started tampering even before they entered Middle Earth proper.

Christie: *reads the words, thinking* It looks like everything up to Rivindell could be passed off as normal delusions. We'll re-start it the minute they step across the treshhold into the Last Homely House.

Katt: Got it.

*They portal to the entrance hall of the LHH. and crouch in a corner, waiting for the entrance of the TLA. A knock sounds at the door and a tall, female elf with long hair come and opens it.*

Elf: Ah, I see . . . come in. No, through this door, it won't work otherwise. And bring your passenger . . . Elrond shall want to see her.

*The Elf steps back a little from the doorway to allow the TLA to pass through, and the doorway shimmers slightly.*

Katt: Now!

*Christie fumbles with the remote.*

Katt: *seeing a red button and glimpsing its label as Re-s-* It's that one!

*Quickly, Christie jams her thumb down on the button. The TLA immediately dissapear leaving Elrond's house looking as it ought to and role-player free. Katt and Christie leave and hop from event to event in Middle Earth's history, all is as it should be.*

Christie: That's it then. Let's go home.

Katt: Sounds good.

*She drops the remote back into her bag, and in their relief to have adverted a crises, neither notices that the red button, the one tht was pushed, says Re-Set.*

*Back at the office Miriam is settling back into her job. It is morning, and the counselor is rummaging through her papers and drinking her morning coffee.*

Miriam: *sighs * Oh, dear. Look at the time already, and that new help group is starting at 9:00. Oh, how I almost wish I’d never volunteered to coach this batch . . .

*A knock sounds at the door*

Miriam: That's the first of them now. Come in!

Person walking in the door: Hello. Is this Tolkien Lovers Anonymous?

The End