Tolkien Lovers Anonymous

[Laurelyn]

All right: I’ve wanted to start this RPG for a while and I’ve finally gotten around to it. It’s about a meeting for Tolkien fans to try to bring their Tolkien obsession under control. Our poor Counselor is in for it though . . . because these fans, unlike her, know that there’s no such thing as really liking Tolkien too much. They’ve only come to talk about the books and movie, and complain about Arwen. Hee hee. Well, anyways, join in . . . as yourself or as another character. We love lots of members! Oh yes, and I fully expect craziness to ensue, so you may be as crazy as you wish.

It is morning, and the counselor for Tolkien Obsessees is rummaging through her papers and drinking her morning coffee.

Counselor: *sighs * Oh, dear. Look at the time already, and that new help group is starting at 9:00. Oh, how I almost wish I’d never volunteered to coach this batch . . . *flips through some papers * Let’s see . . . Tolkien Lovers Anonymous. Well, it’s an okay name, I guess. *yawns * I had better be getting to work soon, though, or I’ll be late for the first meeting. Oh, well . . . *gets stuff together and walks out the door to her car*

Later . . .

Counselor: *at desk in meeting place for TLA* Right . . . there’s the last of everything. The fans should be arriving soon . . . *sighs, then a knock is heard at the door* Come in!
Person walking in the door: Hello. Is this Tolkien Lovers Anonymous? My name’s Laurelyn.
Counselor: *sighs, and thinks: Oh no, not another one with a Tolkienized name.* Hello, Laurelyn, and you may take a seat. You’re early, so we’ll have to wait for everyone else.
Laurelyn: Okay. I supposed being early was better than being late. But don’t count on my being early again. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime deal, or something like it. *Giggles* I’m always late for things. Wait, no . . . I’m never late, scratch that. I always arrive precisely when I mean to.
Counselor: *sighs again* Well, we appreciate the once-in-a-lifetime event, Laurelyn. *doesn’t get the reference to LotR, as she is a very strange being and hasn’t read or seen LotR.*
Laurelyn: Oh, that’s fine, glad to occasionally change my ways. *Another knock at the door* Oh, there’s someone! I wonder who that could be? Frodo Baggins, maybe? *looks hopeful *
Counselor: *muttering* Oh, agreeing to host this meeting and try to counsel these Tolkien fans was a BIG mistake . . .

So here’s somebody’s cue to enter!

[FrodoFriend]

Hey, this looks like fun . . .
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The Counselor opens the door. FrodoFriend walks in, dressed in short-legged overalls, a grey cloak, and a green Fellowship of the Ring baseball cap.
FF: Um . . . I'm looking for Tolkien Lovers Anonymous?
Counselor: Welcome! I'm glad you've come to break your addiction and reclaim your life!
FF: *blinks*
Counselor: Soon you will be free of the death-grip of Tolkienism!
FF: *scratches head*
Counselor: Come, have a seat. We'll get over this together.
FF: *spots Laurelyn* Well met, Laurelyn! How do you fare? Was your journey pleasant? I wished to meet you in Bree, but you had already left.
Counselor: *looks nervous* Now, now!! None of that, we're trying to BREAK the Tolkien addiction!
FF: *looks aghast* WHAT?! Are you INSANE!?
Counselor: No, YOU'RE the insane one, that's why you're here!! Now SIT DOWN!!
FF: *sitting down* But isn't this Tolkien Lovers Anonymous? Aren't we going to discuss the question of Balrog's wings? What about the symbolism? What about Gandalf's resurrection? WHAT DO YOU THINK I CAME HERE FOR?
Laurelyn: Oh, calm down, ya big freak. Once everyone else gets here everything will be fine.
FF: It darn well better be. *morosely pulls out 'Middle Earth Playgirl' magazine*

Another knock at the door . . .

[Evenstar]

*Evenstar quietly steps in*
Counsellor: are you here for the Tolkien Lovers Anonymous??

Evenstar: Huh?? WHAT?? No...I was lookin' for the bathroom!!

[Nazgûl Queen]

*knocks on door and the counsellor opens it*
Counsellor: Hello, and welcome to Tolkien Lovers Anonymous. I assume you are here to break your unhealthy addiction to Tolkien.

Morauko: Actually, I was hoping that I could improve my addiction here. You see, I've only watched the movie 3 times and have on read LotR, The Hobbit and The Silmarillion, so I was hoping that with the gentle assisstance of TLA I could become more addicted to the wonder that is Tolkien.

Counsellor: *blinks* Erm.... right.... take a seat over here, Miss...

Morauko: Morauko.

Counsellor: I see, another name based on Middleearth. You need more help than I expected.

Morauko: *glares at counsellor* BASED on Middleearth? I am Queen of the Nazgul, thankyouverymuch, and do not come between the nazgul and her prey or she will not kill thee in thy turn. She will bear thee away to the houses of Lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured and thy shrivelled mind left naked to the Lidless Eye.

Counsellor: I see.... *guides her to a seet next to Frodofriend then quickly moves away*

Morauko: How are you Frodofriend? Do you think you can help me improve my obsession...

*Is interrupted by a knock on the door*

[Laurelyn]

OOC: Well well, look what happened to this thread overnight!
Great posts, guys! I like 'em a lot. Now, I can't wait to find out who come through the door next . . .

Oh, and also . . . now I feel really sorry for our poor Counselor . . . That's no reason to go easy on her though . . . *evil grin*

[samwise of the shire]

*The door opens and Sams curly brown head pops in*
Sam: Hi! is this Tolkien Lovers Anonymous? I heard that you were meeting today and...*sees Frodo Friend*Frodo Friend! Elen Sila Lumenn Omin Tilvo Mellon!
FF:SAM!A Merry Meeting friend. How have you fared since our last meeting?
Sam:Good friend. And you?
FF:Well friend.
Counsellor:Excuse me but who are you and what was that thing you said?
Sam:My name is Samwise Of The Shire but I am known as Sam.*bows low* And what I said was"A star shines on the hour of our meeting, friend"in Elvish.What are we doing here?
Counsellor:*Looking slightly crazy annoyed and superior*Ahhh right. I am here to break you ALL of those annoying habits attributed to Tolkienites. Like speaking that LANGUAGE-
Laurlyn: Elvish?
Counsellor:Yes whatever. Anway speaking ELVISH in public. Writing Frodo Lives on blackboards in schools and looking up Halibut-
Morauko:Ummm that's HOBBITS.
Counsellor: Ahemm Yes. Learning Hobbit geneologies backwards and fowards and dressing in whatever they wear.
Sam:*speaking in countrified English*What's wrong with me breeches and westkit?
Counsellor:Nothing what so ever. But we are here to break your TERRIBLE addiction to Tolkien.
Sam:Try your hardest!
Suddenly there is a knock at the door.
Sam:*Leaning over to whisper to Frodo*No thank you we dont want any more party goers,well wishers or distant relations.
FF giggles

[Nariel Starfire]

[enters, a little late, wearing a grey cloak, an outfit like a woodland elf, wearing a blonde wig, and has pointy prosthetic ears.]

Nariel: Greetings, Mellon. [at the same time with sam] Elen sila lumenn omentilmo. [bows]

Laurelyn: Ooh, where'd you get the ears? I've been looking all over for those.

Nariel: Well, I kind of made them myself. See, I bought Vulcan prosthetic ears and adapted them.

Samwise: Cool!

Counsellor: Dear God, you guys are nuts! I can't believe you.

[Nariel turns, not having noticed the counsellor]: Daro! Oh, greetings. [cocks head] Your appearance is fascinating. Are you of Numenorean descent?

Counsellor: [shakes head and rubs her temples] THis is going to be a long day...

[Nibs]

[Nibs enters]
Counselor: [tries to appear pleased] Welcome! Have a seat. [under her(?) breath says] Next to the other psychoes.
Nibs: Ah! You're too kind, Miss... my! We already have quite a crowd.
Laurelyn: Have you tidings of the Nine?
Nibs: Indeed... but let us speak of happier things. [turns to the counselor] I fear for thee most, lady, for we are learned in the lore of Middle Earth and are loth to abandon it.
[the counselor notices that all the fans are staring at her]
Counselor: [noticably perturbed] Are we all ready to start?
Sam: Have we sufficient representation? I fear that none of our Dwarven brethren are present.
Counselor: [annoyed] First, there's no such thing as true dwarves, and you don't have to worry about me being enticed by your "lore", mister... mister...
Nibs: Nibs. Nibs Cotton.
Counselor: [hangs her head in agony] Oh, no... another fanatic... okay, let's get -

Knock at the door. Who's next?!?!?

[Rána Eressëa]

(Rogue Elf bursts into the room, decked in green and brown raiments and a grey elvish cloak.)

Rogue Elf: [approaches the counselor] Elen sila lumenn omin tilvo, mellon! [turns around to see FrodoFriend, Sam, Laurelyn, Nariel, Nibs, and Nazgûl Queen] Alas! I have found this wonderous place! And if not greeted by one friend, I find many!

Counselor: Yes, well, please sit down....umm....

Rogue Elf: You may call me Saun, my friend... [bows] ...for I am the Half-elfin marchwarden of Emyn Muil. I am well-known however as the Rogue Elf, but either title you choose is fair and just to receive.

Counselor: [gulps] Okay...I see that... [cough] ...many of you choose titles inspired by Tolkien's work?

Rogue Elf: Inspired?! Inspired?! I was given this title by my mother at birth in the fair Elven city of Rivendell!

Counselor: See, this is what we're here for: to admit these little fibs can turn into actual beliefs--

Nazgûl Queen: [stands up quickly and branishes a sword] Do not question the Elfin's words!

Counselor: Middle-earth does not exist! We are here today to ACCEPT that fact!

(Everyone jumps up in defensive attack when suddenly someone else pounds on the door...)

[Elf Girl]

(Elf girl enters)

Elf girl: (To counselor) Elen sila lumenn omin tilvo.

counseler: not again!

Elf girl: You may call me Elf girl, mellon. In the tongue of the ancients I am Anwa. I hail from the fair city of Rivendell.(turns to Rogue Elf) Saun! Well met! It gladdens my heart to see another of my kindred.

Rogue Elf: well met indeed, my friend.

Counseler: (going gray in the face, weakly) Um, were hear to realize that Middle earth does not exist, remember?

Elf Girl: (blankely) not exist? what do you mean?

counselor: We need to face up to the fact that all your strange names, the people you refer to, and the languages you speak so freely are merely scribblings in a set of books!!! (all stare)

(knocking on the door)

Elf girl: (arrow on the string) It may be a foul dwarf!!!

FrodoFriend: Let us not meet friendship with anger, Anwa.

Elf girl: (lowers bow slightly)

(more pounding)

counselor: (very weakly) c-come in.

(enter ?????)

[Renille]

*ME!* (This looked really fun...)

Renille: Greetings,all. I have come to beg assistance for my homeland, Gondor. We are under attack and in sore need of aid. Will you help us?

Counselor-*writing on a notepad* Why do say "us?" Do you suffer from schizophrenia, also.

Ren:No disease, my lady, but the attacks of the Dark Lord I do suffer.

Counselor- Dark...what? *shakes her head* Please, sit down with the others. But what is your name, first.

Ren:My full name is Renille Nibenel. It means Renille the small one in Sindarian. But please feel free to call my Renille.

Counselor-(to herself) I think the mental hospital would have been easier, after all...

Rensees Frodo Girl's drawn bow) Friend, why do you bear arms in this place? For surely, no foes are among us in this last of peaceful places? Never mind...does anyone know the Quenyan word for "aardvark?" I looked in all the shelves in all the libraries of Minas Tirith, but could not find a reference to this word. It is the one word that is NOT in my new "Quenyan to Sindarian to English dictionary!

[Vanimdil]

A knock is heard at the door. It opens and a girl steps in, dressed in a long flowing green robe and carrying a leather bound copy of Lord of the Rings with Elvish runes on the spine. She bows and smiles, "Mae Govannen, mellyn. I am Vanimdil of Imladris. I am delighted to join this fair company."
She suddenly notices the rather frantic looking Counselor at her elbow, "Lady, you look distressed. Is there any way I can help you?"
The Counselor's eyes bung out,"NO, I'M here to help YOU. First of all stop using that made up language."
Vanimdil looks puzzled,"You mean English?"
Whipcords stand out on the Counselor's neck, "NO, idiot. That other garbledegook you were saying at the beginning."
Vanimdil draws herself up,"Lady, all language is "made up" as you so strangely put it, but I will have you know that the languages of the Elves have their beginnings with the beginnings of the stars."
The counselor is beginning to look dazed,"Oh, never mind...Just PLEASE sit down."
Vanimdil nods and heads toward a seat mumbling,"'The manners of your hall are somewhat lessened of late.' No, that's not quite right. Someone help me with that quote..."

[samwise of the shire]

Sam looks to Vanimdil and smiles
Sam: Nay friend. You speak right.
Vanimdil:What are we doing here Mellon?
Counsellor: You folks are here to know the difference between reality and fantasy, and I am here to help you with that.
FF: What do you mean?
Counsellor:Ok I'm tired of this. I'm going to ask you when you all read the Lord Of The Wings or whatever it is and got addicted to his fiction. I'll start with Sam
Sam:Well It all began when I was listening in on a conversation between my master and mister Gandalf...
Counsellor:*losing her patience*GANDALF IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!
Sam:*looking perplexed*I dont quite follow you beggin' you're pardon but Gandalf seemed real enough to me when he almost turned me into a toad.
Counsellor:See he is ABUSIVE. He THREATENED to turn you into a toad!
Renille:*stands with her hand on her knife*Nay Gandalf was right to punish Sam.
Sam:He didn't even turn me into a toad. He just THREATEND. There's a big difference.
Counsellor:Apparently not. Now why do you dress in those peculiar clothes?
Sam:THESE?!PECULIAR? I dont follow you. *sits down*COme back to me later.
COunsellor:Who's next?
Sam

[FrodoFriend]

The Counsellor turns to work her counselling magic on FrodoFriend.
Counsellor: *grabs FF's magazine* Put that down! How can you be so fascinated by a fantasy character!
FF: *eyes mist over* Fantasy, indeed . . .
Counsellor: *smacks FF* WAKE UP!
FF: Hey! What dare you, vile creature of darkness? Violence is outlawed in the King's lands!
Counsellor: We live in a democracy!
FF: Radical! Revolutionary! Anarchist! Long live the King! Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!
Counsellor: *splutters* Stop with the language, you hairy-footed little midget!
FF: *gasps* Hey, I may be hairy-footed and little, but . . . wait, never mind.
Counsellor: Good! Now, let's start at the beginning. You call yourself FrodoFriend, correct?
FF: MauraMellon in Elvish, if you please.
Counsellor: Anyway, I want you to understand that this Frodo is not real. He is purely imaginary, he came out of someone's head.
FF: WHAT??!! SACRILEGE!! SACRILEGE!! BURN HER, BURN HER!!

FF jumps up and leaps for the Counsellor!

[Nazgûl Queen]

Morauko: *Stands up and protects the counsellor from FF's onslaught*
Nay, friends. Do not be so quict to violence. We are all friends here and it is unseemly for any of us to wish harm upon one another. It is not the fault of this fair maiden that she was born in this, the sixth age of Middleearth where the tales of our past are thought of as mere stories. It is our duty to slowly make her see the truth of our legends, and bring her to an understanding of the real history of this earth, rather than punishing her for her false upbringing.

Counsellor: Erm... thanks, I guess.... *worries about Morauko's sanity*

Morauko: You are welcome, poor maiden. Now, friends, I believe what she was asking is when we first read the english translation of the War of the Rings by Sir Tolkien. I believe I was first introduced to that... unusual... translation around four years ago. It was quite a fascinating experience, seeing our past through the eyes of the Hobbits...
*sits down*

[Vanimdil]

Vanimdil smiles back at Sam,"Thank you, mellon, for setting me straight. For a moment I wasn't sure I was remembering it correctly. It must have been temporary insanity." She then notices the ruckus that is going on with the counselor and nods at Morauko, "I agree, we should be sympathetic that she does not realize that the stories in Lord of the Rings are real history and we should try to understand and help her." Turns to the counselor and asks conversationally,"So, when did YOU first read Lord of the Rings?"
The counselor looks irritated,"I haven't read it and I DON'T WANT TO!"
Vanimdil looks shocked beyond measure. She turns to her fellow Tolkien lovers,"Alas, I fear this problem is beyond our skill." She looks at the counselor with great concern and then asks, very gently, "Have you considered getting professional help?"
The counselor looks wildly about and then lays her head on the table and grasps it in her hands. Vanimdil nods solemnly and whispers to Sam,"It is a very sad case. Of course, as soon as she said she didn't WANT to read Lord of the Rings, we knew her problems were more serious than we could have imagined. I wonder if there is some way to get her to Master Elrond. She'd certainly never find the way by herself."
The counselor overhears and staggers to her feet, "JUST SHUT UP!! Now, PLEASE, someone else...?"

[Nariel Starfire]

Nariel stands. "If you wish, I will relate my tale. I first heard of the War of the Rings from Legolas Greenleaf, son of King Thranduil, my friend. He told me the tales and sang me his songs. It has been many years since I have seen him, but then (though I know not how he heard the tales), Sir Tolkien wrote them (perhaps he somehow obtained the Red Books). It is thus that I know of the War."

Counsellor looks at her and begins to cry and pull out her hair.

[markedel]

(A galloping horse is heard, followed by a thud and the door swings open)

I have heard that there is some trouble in this rather far corner of the realm! I am markedel messanger of our great king Elessar who seeks only peace and tranquility in his lands. I have been sent to bear some Athelas, which may perhaps bring some succour to whoever this rather strange lady may be...

[samwise of the shire]

Sam stares at the messanger on the horse. Pulls the messanger off his horse and takes him into a far corner.
Sam:Listen this lady dont beleive in Althelas or Mr Frodo or King Elessar. Elves,Hobbits, or Dwarves. She beleives in men only not YOUR type. We need your help in tryin' to calm her down and gettin' her over to our side. Can you 'elp us sir?
Markedel:Verily young halfling
Sam:By the way you call me Sam. And she's a counsellor who wants to diflect US. We need 'elp
The two walk back to the group and sit down. The consellor stares suspiciously at Markedel
Sam

[Laurelyn]

Counselor: *shrinks away* Ah . . . what's athelas? *recieves strange looks* And how could it help me?
Laurelyn: Athelas is a plant, used often for healing, although there are many who have never found its value. It is most used to combat the works of the Nazgûl, for instance the Black Breath or something of its like. I believe the hope in bringing some to you is that maybe its powers might lend a hand in the almost hopeless plight of your madness, my dear Lady.
Counselor: *stares* But it's you who's mad! Middle Earth is not real! Frodo doesn't exist! The works of Tolkien are all just made up!
All EIDRIORCQWSDAKLMEDDCWWTIWOATTOPWFIO's in room: *Mad dash at the counselor* Sacrilege! Liar! How dare you!
Laurelyn: Halt! Do not harm her, though sacrilege her words may be. She is not sane, that is quite obvious.
FrodoFriend: *halts reluctantly* But she said Frodo didn't exist . . . *receives prompting looks* Oh yeah, and she denied the existence of Middle-earth, too.
Laurelyn:I believe that she really thinks she's trying to help us. However, the task has indeed changed hands here as far as who is helping whom . . . Markedel, I unfortunately know little herb lore . . . What do we do, make her eat the athelas leaves?