Lyrd Of The Ryngs - The Homies

[Nurvingiel]

OOC: No Elfearz, you're more than welcome to join! I hope you stick around. You're post wasn't too long at all! (I'd be the last person to criticize you there! ) That was a great post, very humorous! (I can't get enough of those questionably shaped vegetable references!) I'd continue, but I don't know what to do with the email.

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

OOC: That's fine elfearz. Good to have someone else joining.

ic: "Dear Frodo.

Sorry that I can't come back to the Shire. My Head Pharmacist needs to speak to me and he lives a long, long way away. Leave The Shire as soon as you get this. Head for Rivendell. Elrond lives there and his daughter is a supermodel, so he's really rich!

Yours medically,
Gandalf.

PS: Don't use the package.

PPS: You might meet one of my friends. He goes around as a man with a tie. Many men try to be like him so make sure i is actually him. His real name is FBI agent Aragorn Telcontar. He's posing as a salesman for the Narsil Warehouse Company.

PPPS: Don't travel by Night.

[Nurvingiel]

PPPPS:
All that is gold is not blindingly yellow.

Frodo read the email twice, then looked at the newcomer thoughtfully. "You claim you're a friend of Gandalf's. What is your name?"
"I tell you this only because I need you to trust me. I am Aragorn, an FBI agent."
"This letter refers to Aragorn. But how do we know you're the real Aragorn?" said Frodo sharply.
"Alas, I must somehow earn your trust. But you're starting to think like an agent anyway," he said, smiling ruefully.
Frodo considered Aragorn, as Sam and Pippin continued to menace him with vegetables, which Aragorn continued to ignore. Frodo thought of his suit, and that is was much poorer than the high-end Armani suits of the Lawyers. They would never have such a hideous yellow lining in their suits. That's it! Frodo thought, rereading the post post post post script to Gandalf's email.
"All that is gold is not blindingly yellow," Frodo said aloud. "I think we will trust you. You look foul, but feel fair, as they say."
Aragorn glared at him, offended. "Hey, do you know how hard it is to buy deoderant in this town?"
"Will you guide us to Rivendell?" said Frodo.
"Yes, I know many back roads where the Lawyers will have trouble following us," said Aragorn.
Since Frodo was ready to trust Aragorn, Pippin would too. He lowered his weapon, and ate it casualy. Sam lowered his weapon too, but was less inclined to trust the stranger.


OOC: I was thinking of paraphrasing the entire "All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." poem, but it seemed... somehow wrong.
OOC2: The roads could be a complex network of logging roads. What do you think guys?

[-elfearz-]

Aragorn grinned. "Well, that settles it. We'll leave in the morning," he said almost brightly.
"Oh, and Frodo," he added, as if as an afterthought, "if you ever need legal representation, steer clear of anyone with chin pubes. First impressions count in court."
"Oh, I know all about those charges against you," he continued, as Frodo gaped. "Well I am with the FBI! I'm glad you chose to accept my companionship freely; but if you hadn't, well, I'm not above blackmail." He smiled wryly. "So if Samwise would care to eat his carrot.."

[Nurvingiel]

"Hmph," said Sam, still unconvinced. "I'll eat half the carrot," he said, taking an agressive bite out of the top.
"Hey, where's Merry?" said Frodo. "It's getting dark, and he should have been back by now."
"Maybe he went on a pub crawl," said Pippin.
"Without us? That's unlike him," commented Sam, worried.
"Considering what's following you, I suggest we find him immediately," said Aragorn sternly.

[-elfearz-]

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

OOC2: The roads could be a complex network of logging roads. What do you think guys?

great idea

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Just at that moment Merry burst in with one of the Hobbit's from the bar. He was about to speak to Frodo whn he saw Aragorn and immediatly took a qustionably shaped carrot out of his pocket.
"It's alright he's here with my leave," said Frodo quickly.
"Okay. Anyway, there are lawyers here, in the village," Merry said gasping for breath.
"You'd better stay in my room tonight," h said grimly.
That night the hobbits stayed in Aragorn's room and slept (as most hobbits do) fitfully. The next morning Aragorn took them to their own rooms.
"Look," he said, opening the door. On each bed, lay a court summons.

OOC: Frodo coul have to be healed because of a wound inflicted by the Court summons.

[-elfearz-]

ooc: this is really way too long...and is no substitute for the law study notes I'm meant to be doing...but anyway..

Mr Baggins,

Pursuant to your apprehension for the mala in se which you are currently charged of committing with full malitia praecogitata; namely those acts of handling and receiving stolen goods and fraudulent misrepresentation; you are hereby summoned to a committal hearing for the hereinbefore stated offences, to take place at the Petty Court of Western Middle-Earth.

Frodo blinked at the document, holding it gingerly between two fingers. "I cannot read the strange words", he concluded eventually, after several valiant attempts to pronounce 'praecogitata'. "Much less understand them."
"That does not surprise me." Aragorn's tone was grim. "They are from the vile and indecipherable language of Legal Jargon. Few can master it, and those that do usually become Lawyers."
The hobbits gaped at him in aghast silence. They continued to do so until they were interrupted by a fretful Butterbur who apologetically informed them that their motorbikes were "gone". Then they gaped at him in aghast silence.
"What do you mean 'gone'?" Aragorn snapped eventually. "Can't a guest park here safely for a night? Or is this your way of keeping people here longer so they can drown their woes in more of that god-awful beer of yours?"
"No, no, no, nothing like that!" The innkeeper seemed on the verge of tears, the hobbits thought, beginning to pity the poor man (and mentally noting never to get on the bad side of an FBI agent). "It's like this," Butterbur blubbered on. "See this man drove in, late last night you see, and I was a bit foggy, being roused from sleep and all...but he was very nicely dressed – smart Armani suit – very respectable." He paused.
Even Aragorn gaped. But this time the surrounding silence was poignant. They had seen this coming.
"Er, well, he says to me, well...I can't remember what he said exactly, but, it was like he could see all my problems, and he knew just how to fix them. You see, business hasn’t been too good lately, and so money's a bit tight. So I've had to cut back on wages, and the staff aren't pleased, so the service is slipping, and, well yes like you said sir, my brew hasn’t been so good of late..." he said, eyeing Aragorn and looking so ashamed that the hobbits felt even more sorry for him. "Anyway, this young man, he gave me these 3 beans," Butterbur continued, holding out his hand indicatively. "He said if I plant them this morning, a beanstalk will grow, and if I climb it, I'll be rich by sunset. All he wanted in return was, well, your bikes. You see, I thought, with me being a millionaire and all, I could more than compensate you before the day was out. And I could get myself back on track. It sounded like a win-win situation."
He smiled, desperate to win them over, but any pity for the man had already evaporated.
"YOU!" exploded Merry, when a sufficiently tense moment had expired. "You mean to say that you traded my bikes for a couple of puny, questionably shaped –"
"No, he was powerless," Aragorn interjected with a sigh. "You yourself would have fared no better. Never try to negotiate with a Lawyer."
When an apologetic Butterbur had left to find them alternate transport – and to plant his beans – Aragorn told the hobbits he had something to show them. He fiddled with the combination lock of a battered brown case, until it sprung open, revealing a small black book. And a huge power saw marked 'Narsil'.
Sam's hand went instinctively to his carrot. Or what was left of it. Aragorn rolled his eyes and picked up the book. It was thin, and labelled "Constitution" in gold lettering.
"This is your best defence against the Lawyers," he explained, flicking it open at a page marked "Fifth Amendment"

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

After a while Barliman returned to the hobbits and Aragorn.
"There are no bikes to be found here. The smart men drove them all off. Save one only. Owned by Bill Ferny. But it's in very poor condition and he won't part with it for less than £9,000," he explained. "I'd be happy to pay though, to make up for my blunder."
The hobbits nodded in agreement and then Barliman spoke again.
"Do you know who those men were?" he asked questioningly.
"They were lawyers Barliman. Lawyers of Sauron of Mordor. They are defending him against charges of possesion and intent to supply a Class A drug. He will face the second best judge around, Manwe second only to Illuvatar. There are nine of them. They were once great men, before Sauron tricked them into attending Law School. They were the best FBI agents around. Beware of them, they are at their most dangerous when you are alone with them, they can trick you into doing the most stupid and horrific things as Barliman discover," said Aragorn grimly.
"I knew they were lawyers but I did not know they were that evil," said Frodo in shock.

[Grey_Wolf]

A couple of hours later they were finally on their way. Aragorn driving the fully laden four wheel bike (which was in a lousy condition, the springs almost gone.) and the hobbits walking alongside. All of Bree had turned out to the see them off because of the mysterious goings on the previous evening and night. As they passed a bungalow at the further end of Bree they saw a sneering man standing outside. It was Bill Ferny.
"So, Longshanks, you got some new friends, I see." he said, scowling.

"Yes." Aragorn answered simply.

On seeing the hobbits and in particular Sam:
"Now, Sam, you better service my Little Mule properly."

"And you," Sam answered,"better keep that foul face of your's out of sight or it'll get hurt." Sam threw the carrot at him and heard Bill cursing behing the picket fence. "Waste of a good carrot." He also had a brief glance of a stylishly dressed man in one of the windows, who dropped out of sight quickly."So that's where that Lawyer is hiding."

They kept walking and exited Bree and came onto a rutted two-lane road going east. The children of Bree followed them for a while but soon gave up out of disinterest.

"We'll make for the Weather Top Café first, it being out of season there's isn't all that many people there now." Aragorn said.

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Sam had fallen in love with the new bike, naming it Bill after it's old owner. In the mornings the hobbits and Aragorn would awake to find Sam with overalls on, the tool box out and covered in oil.

[Nurvingiel]

OOC:

Originally Posted by Telcontar Dunedain

Just at that moment Merry burst in with one of the Hobbit's from the bar. He was about to speak to Frodo whn he saw Aragorn and immediatly took a qustionably shaped carrot out of his pocket.

Is that a questionably shaped carrot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? This line has to go to someone, perhaps Arwen? Incidentally, I have some really good ideas (I think) for "Flight to the Ford".
Totally hilarious posts guys, I love it!

I took four wheeled bike to mean All Terrain Vehicle, or quad.

Sorry I didn't know a better legal jargon phrase, maybe you can help me on that -elfearz-.

IC:
Sam steered the ATV, with both racks piled high with their gear. Every now and then, the bike would stall. Sam would get off and add some more duct tape to the already heavily jury rigged engine. "If I had the correct parts, this bike would be a wonder," said Sam.
"You will find what you need at the Elrond's ATV and Chainsaw Repair. The Last Homely House, and a more peaceful place you never could hope to find," said Aragorn, with a faraway look in his eyes. Pippin grabbed his hand when Aragorn nearly ran into a tree.
"Are you okay buddy?" said Pippin.
"Don't call me buddy," Aragorn replied sternly, reverting back to normal. "This way, into the forest." He added, leading them onto a narrow, rutted logging road. A yellow sign nailed to a tree read 'Block 296-3297'. "The Lawyers will have difficulty following our trail here."
As they walked, Merry thought about the events of last night, when he took a walk before the dreaded court summons were issued. He had been wandering aimlessly throught the streets of Bree, when he overheard two men talking. It was all incomprehensible mumbo jumbo, and he peered around the corner of a building at the two mysterious men. They were both well-dressed, but only one was a Lawyer. He would never forget what they looked like - their sinister gelled hair, the dreaded cut of their suits... he must have been distracted, because before he realized what was happening, the two men were walking in his direction. It was all he could do to dive behind a garbage can in time. As the Lawyer walked by, the words "issue the subpoena" rang in his ears, and he slumped to the ground in a faint. He woke up an unspecified amount of time later, and returned to the Prancing Pony.
He was embarassed about fainting, so he didn't tell his friends what had happened. Now, as they wound their way down the twisting network of logging roads, he realized this encounter with the Lawyer might be important.
Merry sucked it up and told Aragorn of the encounter. He expected jeers, but rather than make fun of him, Aragorn looked impressed.
"Not many can decipher an entire phrase of legal jargon and live to tell the tale," said Aragorn. "Perhaps there's more to you than meets the eye."

[Grey_Wolf]

Meanwhile, at the Weather Top Café:

Gandalf was having his usual Jasmine tea (which he always took when he dropped by) when Five of the Lawyers came crashing through the door.

"Gandalf, now we really caught you with your pants down."

"Oh, really. That's only what you think." And took out a bag from his pocket and threw some dust into the faces of the Lawyers who immediately began sqirming and coughing while Gandalf made his escape.

[Nurvingiel]

"Aaaaugh, it's Gandalf's Athlete's Food Insta-cure Powder," screamed the Lawyers, clawing at their eyes. "It burns!! It burns!!"

Gandalf hastily slapped four strips of duct tape on the wall before he lit out the door.


Meanwhile, Aragorn and the four hobbits were making excellent progress through the forest. The hobbits couldn't follow all the twists and turns of the different logging roads, but they had come to trust Aragorn, even Sam (as much as he came to trust anyone he didn't know well). Bill the Quad turned out to be an excellent bike, after several days of Sam's early morning mechanics.
"Now we have to cross This-probably-isn't-water Swamp," said Aragorn, as he led them off the logging road, down a narrow track. "We're in dangerous country. This is where the Troll Treehackers Logging Company operates. They don't practice sustainable forestry like the Bree companies do."
The track was narrow and bumpy, and they paused to make sure their gear was securely strapped to Bill. After an hour, the hobbits started to notice a very unpleasant smell.
"Excuse you Pip!" exclaimed Merry, who was walking behind Pippin and holding a handkerchief over his nose.
"It wasn't me, I think it was Aragorn," said Pippin, taking out his own handkerchief.
"Nobody farted," said Aragorn, rolling his eyes. "That's the smell of This-probably-isn't-water Swamp." In addition to the putrid smell, they also began to hear the distant humming of large insects. Or was that a helicopter?

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

It was insects! They bit and they stung and after a wile Gandalfs cream was gone and they were stuck with the little devils.

[Grey_Wolf]

Book 1.12: Flight To the Ford

They spent two uncomfortable nights in the This-probably-isn't-water Swamp and on the third day after couple of hours of steady walking finally was out of the horridly smelling place, leaving the biting insects behind.

On the second day out of the Swamp they saw the Weather Top Café looming up ahead in the darkness, lights welcommingly shining from the windows from that highly placed water hole for weary travellers.

[Nurvingiel]

They were turned away at the door of the Café because they stank too much. Try as they might, they hadn't been able to get the funky polluted smell of the swamp 'water' out of their clothes. Even Aragorn couldn't get them in, and he seemed to have some pull there.
"Oh well," said Frodo resignedly, "Let's just make a campfire on the hillside."
"Yeah, we can have a wiener roast!" said Pippin enthusiastically.
Aragorn looked thoughtful, but said nothing. They set up camp with remarkable speed away from the Café, and started toasting their dinner. Aragorn made five torches.
"What are those for?" asked Sam.
"This fire may attract the Lawyers, but it is also our best weapon against them," he replied.
"What about the Amendment?" asked Merry.
"I'm impressed you remembered," said Aragorn. "We do have the Fifth Amemendment, and the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. But alas, you can't read them in the dark because the printing is too small."
Frodo thought he heard a noise. He slowly put down is sausage. "What was that?" he asked, suddently getting a feeling of Impending Doom. A worried, slightly angsty expression came over his face.
"We are hear to Issue a Subpoena!" said a Lawyer menacingly, as he and four other Lawyers emerged from the shadows, surrounding the five companions. Each bore a Legal Document, holding it towards Frodo. They ignored everyone else.
"Quick everyone, take a torch!" said Aragorn, thrusting them into the fire and passing them out.
"Aaa, not fire! It might make a hole in my Armani suit!" said one Lawyer, hesitating his advance.
"I'll never get the campfire smell out of it!" said another. It looked like the company had the upper hand.
"Don't be such weaklings," said the leader derisively, "You can get them drycleaned later!"
They advanced on Frodo, who was fingering something under his cloak. Merry, Pippin, Sam and Aragorn arranged themselves around him. The Lawyers thrust the subpeonas towards Frodo, and his friends tried to light them on fire. It seemed to be a standoff, until Frodo, in his panic, opened the package and again found himself in the strange, grey world.
Confusion erupted. His friends could no longer see him, and the Lawyers could see him all too well. One darted forward, and slapped down his subpeona. Aragorn and the hobbits attacked in turn, scorching their suits with the torches.
"Ow! My arm!" cried a Lawyer, retreating. Merry thrust his torch at a Lawyer, who suddenly burst into flames. He ran screaming into the night, and the other Lawyers ran after him, trying to get him to 'stop, drop, and roll'. Sam was grinning wickedly and holding Bill's extra gas can, which was half-empty.
"Frodo, wrap it back up, quick!" shouted Aragorn at the invisible Frodo.
It seemed to Frodo that his friend spoke from a distance, but reason prevailed, and he retied the Package with numb fingers.
His friends saw with horror that a subpeona was stuck to his chest.

OOC: Maybe they can get most of it off with an equivelant of Athelas. (Aloe vera? )

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Frodo gasped as he cam round saying,
"Where is he? Where is the Pale Chief." They were all relieved to hear him speak, but they were all, bar Aragorn, confused by his words.
"When you open the package, you see the lawyers in their true form, has pale people. For they have been lawyers to long and have faded in the court rooms. The one Frodo saw was their chief. The Lawyer-King. He is evil," said Aragorn, a grim look on his face.

[Grey_Wolf]

Aragorn went back to the Café for some special plants when it occured to him that the subpeona of the Lawyers had given Frodo a evil papercut. Frodo was beginning to feel faint but the herbal tea seemed to revive his spirits.

After a while they packed up and left Weather Top Aragorn driving carefully with Frodo sitting behind him leaning on his back and the other hobbits walking slowly alongside.

Several hours later they reached the forest surrounding Rivendell when they heard a motorbike approaching from behind. They immediately took cover behind some trees. Soon the biker could be seen. Aragorn rushed out with a shout of joy.

"Glorfindel, this is a joyous meeting."

"Well, Dad thought I should do some good for the cause and help you guys and why not, it might help my political career too."

OCC: Sorry, I didn't really know how to handle the finding of the Trolls. Anyone else feel up to it?

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Glorfindel soon left them, promising to return soon but he had a press conference for the up and coming election. The others were making good progress but Frodo's paper cut was again beginning to get worse.
The day after Glorfindel left them Merry and Pippin who had been slightly ahead of Aragorn, Frodo, Sam and Bill the Bike came running back shouting. Aragorn soon gathered that there were thugs just ahead. They approached with caution, only to find out that the thugs were stone, as it was broad daylight.