War For All Valinor!

[The last sane person]

*Human Pi and Roya are standing on the smoldering wreckage that used to be Middle Earth. They are staring at each other. A silence prevails.*

Human: Woo Hoo!!! LONG LIVE THE KINGS!

Roya: Wait...We are the kings...

*pause*

Human: oh....

Roya: ON TO VALINOR!!!!

*dun dun dun. And so they joined forces and they reached the shores and set sail. It took many months for them to reach the Golden Shores. Where they were first greeted by Katt.*

katt: hi guys!

Human: Arg! you are supposed to be dead!

*Roya mounts her POGO STICK OF DOOOOOOOOM and lurches forward, sword drawn*

Roya: aha! *cuts katt in twain*

*POP*

Katt: well that wasnt nice!

Roya: Ack! You broke a rule! *kills her again*

*POP*

Katt: christ! could i get a line in at leas...*dies again*

*POP*

Roya: AHHHH! AGAIN! YOUR BREAKING THE RULES!!!

Katt: no i didnt. *runs off*

Someone random: Damn spontaniously regenerating elves......

Katt: *from afar* I AINT NO ELF!

*The first blood had been spilt (repetedly) and thus the stage was set for the conquests of the mighty War for the undying Lands.*

[Human#3.141592653]

Human: Hmm! So! What do we do now?

Roya: Hmmm. *looks around* Ok, you start on that side *Points North* And I'll start on that side *Points South* And we shall meet in the middle, smashing everything in between. How does that sound?

*Human was about to make an asine reply when suddenly...*

*Manwe appears in all his Glory, the wind whipping through his long blonde hair in a rather fetching manner. He looked like some regeal Elvan king, only 8 ft tall.*

Manwe: Who are you and what are you doing on our shores? Only the first born and the choosen may step foot here! Your presence defiles our lands, and you shall be punished-

*Pop*

Roya: *Screwing on a lid to a jam jar* Well, there's one.

Human: Wha ha ha ha! CONQUISTAR EL MUNDO! NECESITO CONQUISTAR AHORITO! *Pogo's off on her Pogo Stick of Death to the North followed by a squeaking, wandling army of Penguins.* WHA HA! SPOOON!!!

*Roya watches her disappear inot the distance, a vaguely malicious smile on her lips, then chuckling at some inner joke, she turns and heads South.*

[The last sane person]

*Roya smiles faintly and walks back to her ninja army*

Roya: ALright boys....Lets have some fun.

Army: YEHA!

*they spork over Valinor, conquoring all, taking only few prisenor. They are acosted by Varda. Roya grins.*

Varda: What is this???! Mortals? *takes reagal pose and looks down majesticly* For this i will not stand!

*Roya steps thru the ranks*

Roya: Hi dear.

*Varda's pose was ruined by Roya's sudden appearnce.*

Varda: SSHITE! N-NOT Y-YOU! *squeaks and clasps her hair*

*Roya and army laugh at the retreating Queen. Roya gives chase, followed by her eager army*

Roya: aha!

Varda: NOOO--

*POP*

Roya: Bagged another one! Yeha!

[Willow Oran]

OOC: This post would be better if I wasn't distracted by some fellow mooters, (Human, Tano, and Roya,) singing along with the Rocky Horror sound track.

*Somewhere in her evil fortress of DOOM an unspecified Maggie watches the procedings through a palantir, so far she has not decided on any plan of action being occupied with Human's blaring spelling, grammar and elvish physicality errors.*

Maggie: *very annoyed* All right, firstly it's ahorita not ahorito, secondly it's elven not elvan and thirdly regal elvish kings WERE eight feet tall! These blasphemies must be avenged! I must go and plot, for only a truly dastardly plot will be sufficient, *pauses* But before I do that I must decide what side I'm on...

*goes off to plot*

OOC: That's all for now.

[The last sane person]

Roya: Gods....I hope she chooses a side! *Roya continued chasing the unfortunate Vala all over the isle*

[Willow Oran]

*the gods answered Roya's prayer, Maggie chose a side, and the side was...*

Maggie: I'm not telling. But to satisfy people's natural curiosity I will say that I'm leaning towards one of the extremes, the blindingly good extreme to be exact.

*everyone in the vincinity is suddenly blinded as she takes on this persona, causing Roya's attempt to bottle Ulmo to be foiled temporarily*

Roya: Curses! I will have them yet! *chases after him*

Maggie: And now to gather my army. *stops and thinks* Course, I can't really use my army of Bunnies, they belong to my neutral side. I shall have to use the other army, if I can get them to cooperate with each other... *looks at the rules again* I hate rules, but I think I can make these work out just fine.

[Human#3.141592653]

*Human walks over to a pay phone that that has appeared out of nowhere, slips in two coins, and dials a number. The Cell Phone Vilya rings...*

Maggie: Picking up Phone and answering in a sickeningly sweet voice* Yes??

Human: *Shudders to hear such Goodness packed into a single syllable* Ugh. Stop that.

Maggie: Stop what, deary?

Human: *Shivers* That! Anyway. I just wanted to entreat you to, please, PLEASE Keep the nit-picking down to a minimum?? You know that I can't type worth Beans! Beans I tell you! Beans!

Maggie: *In the comforting and smothering voice of mother hen* Oh, now, that's not my fault that you can't type. Any mistake that you make I can and will exploit to my full advantage. Like the above description "Like a mother hem?" Honestly, Human, I'd say that you just gave me wings!

Human: NO! NO! I didn't mean it like that! Metaphor! Metaphor!

Maggie: Ciao, Deary!

Human: WAIT!! WAIT!! *Click* GAGH! *Fishes two more coins out of her pocket, Dials Roya’s cell phone*

Roya: *Bellowing* WHAT!!?

Human: Reporting, M'Lady.

Roya: Oh. Well, get on with it then!

Human: Right! The penguins and I have taken the North Eastern shore. There were of course, heavy Penguin casualties, seeing as, you know, their only mode of defense is to explode, and their only attack is to explode, and their only way of sending messages is to explode in Morse code...

Roya: Good! I want you to keep Heading North and capture as many of the Valar in those Jam Jars I gave you.

Human:Ok, but um...Um...so do we...have a sub-rule about metaphors?

Roya: What? No, why? Wait…What did you do?!!

Human: I might have just turned Maggie into a mother hen.

Roya: Oh. Wait, explode in Morse code? Do they line up to do that?

Human: No, it’s the same penguin exploding in Morse Code.

Roya: The...what the...? Anyway! I will contact you as need, ok?

*click*

Human: OK! Wait! I don't have a cell phone...

[Willow Oran]

*Meanwhile back at the Fortress of sickening goodness...*

Maggie: A Mother Hem? Not only did she give me wings she gave me the ability to hem things. None of which does me any good at all. Needless to say I will not be using that detail. Now... now for an army.

*She takes out her blue notebook of not as doomish doom and flips through it till she finds what she wants, then she carefully copies the information down into the Purple Notebook of Doom. Having accomplished this she sets the notebooks aside and begins to compose a strategy, knowing her captians would take care of everything while she worked.*

[The last sane person]

*A magical appears out of nowhere cell phone appeared in Human's lap*

Human: Sweet! ALL RIGHT! YOU LOT FORWARD MARCH! *Human dials up Roya, whose phone number is magically programmed into the phone. * Hey! I take it that this phone was from you?

Roya: Yes! It is the Phone of Inexcusable Impoliteness!! Use it well my captain! HUZZAH! *Human hears in the background the frantic cries of vacationing elves*

Roya: *from over the cell phone* Sorry! But your retirement plan has expired!!! *Talking to Human* BE SURE TO USE SPELL CHECK! THATS AN ORDER!

Huam: Yes SIR! *ends call*

[Legoles]

Oh boy

"COME ON LADYS AND GENTS. lETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! DON'T BE AFRAID TO KILL ANYTHING, EXSPECIALLY THOSE PENGUINS! LETS MARCH!HUP TWO THREE FOUR, HUP...." <Man I need some water.> *Picks up waterbottle takes a swig.* "Hey! This ain't water, this is Saki. YAY for Saki!"

[Willow Oran]

Meanwhile...

Maggie: getting frustrated Stupid rules, stupid jam jars, argh! I have find a way to break the bloody things and free the Valar, and get them back in character but I can't because the bloody things are unbreakable and-

She is cut off by the voice of her mother insisting that she take a break from plotting and do her chemistry homework

Maggie: Fine.

Later, at her desk, she is studying when suddenly a idea drops out of the sky and plnts itself in her brain. Hurridly she goes to look up her old physics notes, especially the ones on pressure and density.

Maggie: Aha! Why didn't I see it before? The valar are more spirits than anything else therefore they must be made of energy but jam jars are quite small and if you compress the amounts of pure energy needed to make up something as powerful as one vala then it will gain in density. But the energy won't want to be that dense so it will struggle to get out of the jam jar causing extreme amounts of pressure being exerted on the walls of the jam jar and with that much pressure building from inside it even the most supposedly unbreakable of objects will crack and eventually explode! It's all in the laws of physics and those are part of the Time/Space continuum which can't be messed with! It's perfect! I don't have to do anything to break them I just have to point that out and wait for reality to take of itself.

And so saying she wrote her discovery down in the Purple Notebook of Doom with the one clicky pen of power and thus the universe was made aware of it and the universe acted on the knowledge so that moments after it was written it occured and the Jam jars exploded violently outwards killing a few random soldiers who were in the wrong place at the wrong time and freeing the now very much IN character Valar, who were once more the beings Eru and Tolkien intended them to be and who were very, very angry with the ones who had tried to imprison them.

[goldiegollum]

*Dropping from a random tree, goldiegollum enters...*

GG: Valinor? wonder how i got here. Oh well. *noting surroundings and random explosions, cellphones, adn other such suspiciousness* there appears to be some sort of war. Humm. ach! I need an army!

*she puts the squeaky to her ear and listens to it's wise and adictive council*

*squeaka-squeaka-squeaka*

GG: Ha! I'll steal an army! all i have to do is cause some sort of rebellion and make them follow me instead! wahahahahaha!

*She atempts an evil laugh but it does not suit her well as she is appears fairly nieve*

GG: HEy! *trying to be furious* I'll prove you wrong yet! i'll prove you all wrong! Mwa ha ha ha ha! (and don't you dare say anything) now, to find an army that suits me....of corse! *beocmes quiet and secrative so that no one else may hear, and heads off to try and steal some of the penguin army*

OOC: i hope that's not against the rules, i do so love penguins.

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: That was lovely dear.

*In the Fortress of sickening goodness Maggie sat at her desk being very smug with herself, when suddenly Katt stepped out of the shadows.*

Katt: M'lady?

Maggie: Katt? Where did you find shadows? This is the GOOD fortress.

*Maggie turned up the lights and the shadows fled.*

Katt: *cringes* Aw, it's so bright! Just a few shadows? Or some cobwebs?

Maggie: No. Bad minion.

Katt: *kneels* Sorry m'lady.

Maggie: Now, I am glad to see that you have come to take your place as my minion, but I am on the good side, so it wouldn't hurt to brighten up your costume a bit.

Katt: *stutters* But, but, my trenchcoat!

Maggie: All right. But maybe you could go about your buisness with a smile?

Katt: *grins evily* That can be aranged.

Maggie: *Raises an eyebrow* You know what I mean.

*Katt sighed dejectedly and tried to make an innocent cute smile.*

Maggie: That's better. Now why don't you do your lovely duties and build some forces in all the elf cities.

Katt: Yes m'lady. *Turns to go*

Maggie: Katt?

Katt: *turns back* Yes?

Maggie: Is that a strand of hair in your face?

Katt: Yes...

Maggie: What's it for?

Katt: Well, I was trying to look like Grima Wormtounge, but it didn't work cuz my hair curls.

Maggie: Well I think it looks cute.

Katt: *gasps and bites tounge* Thank you M'lady.

Maggie: You may go.

*Katt left the room. Maggie smiled when she heard Katt's scream of aggrivation from down the hall.*

[The last sane person]

Roya: Aha! But did i even tell you what the "Jars" were? when did i ever say that it had to be physical? who said that such jars that would hold such powerful beings should not be of the same essence as they themselves are? A spitit can only be bound my another. Mine to be exact! However i shall let them be for now and you shall win this one time!

Magge: *from her evil-i mean-good fortress can be heard muttering* grr....alright then....

Roya: you have bought your precious Vala a few days of respite but this time i dont think Physics can help them.

Maggie:*from afar* GAH!

Roya: *Snickers* now...for that little minion of hers....

[Legoles]

Sakura was still relishing the saki, when she got stopped by one of her scouts and told that "a person called goldiegollum is unintentionly leading Your army to the scary and evil penguin army. By the way, is that Saki?"
"Saki after killing okay? I don't want drunk fighters. Have some tea Ken."

"Okay!"
<I had to pick the annoying scout today didn't I?>*sigh*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Maggie: Oh Katt!

Katt: *coming out from behind a curtian because there were no shadows* Yes m'lady?

Maggie: How is your "project" going?

Katt: Yeah yeah yeah. Forces built. Publicity campaign working.

Maggie: Well we'll need to start phaze two ahead of schedual while the valar are free.

Katt: Yes m'lady. *under her breath* Thank Illuvitar for phaze two!

*And so and invitation was sent out to the newly freed valar. It was a tea party invitation at the Fortress of sickening goodness. Maggie wanted to disscuss a possible ally situation.*

*When the valar were assembled, Maggie began.*

[Willow Oran]

Maggie: My dear Lords and ladies, as you know there is a hostile force at large that wishes to imprison you all. This can obviously not be allowed to happen. If it does the elves will be left unprotected and the hostile forces will triumph; all that you have worked to preserve here will be destroyed.

Manwe: Get to the point child.

Maggie: I'm getting there; the forces that wish to destroy Valinor will not take any of you seriously despite the fact that you are of course the most powerful beings in the world excepting Eru himself. However, there is a way we can get around that. You can defeat these enemies by using your powers through a being that is in essence a child of Illuvitar and nothing more. In this way you can move about Valinor and accomplish everything you need to while safely hidden in a place where you cannot be found and imprisoned in jam jars again.

Varda: And who are you suggesting we use our powers through?

Maggie: That is completely up to you.

Mandos: Up to us? We would not place such a burden on someone we care about. You came up with the idea, you will be the one we will use.

Maggie: My Lords and Ladies, I would be honored to be your servant.

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Katt: *Pulls out some papers* I would like to thank you all for coming and if you will please sign this contract.

Manwe: What does it say?

Katt: Mearly what your gracious host has told you and nothing more.

*After the documentation had been put away Katt led them to their secret hiding place.*

Katt: This is Woodshead Manor. It's a very lovely place where all your needs will be looked after. If anyone needs anything, please call me.

Manwe: Actually, I would like a nap,

Katt: Of course My Lord, these servants will take you to your room.

*Manwe followed the servants up the stairs a bit slower than he usually walked.*

Varda: Oh what a lovely garden. I think I'll doze a bit in the sun.

Katt: Would anyone else care for a game of gin? *Holds up pack of cards*

*As the Valar settled themselves in, Maggie looked over the contract and smiled sweetly to herself.*

Maggie: *Quietly, to herself* No evil cackling, I'm on the GOOD side now.

[Fimbrethil]

*At the fortress of sickening goodness*

Katt:*stepping out from behind light this time* M'lady there is a er...sloth here to see you.

Random Sloth: I was told to come and ask if my leader could join your forces.

Buggie: *flying in from a random window* Rah! That's not what she said! Rah! I'm gonna tell her! Rah! *flys out of random window*

Maggie:Who is she and what does she possess and for Eru's sake what was that?!

Random Sloth: That was Buggie the parrot.You may need to kill him off.

Katt:Yeah killing!

Random Sloth: Terin, our leader had an army of Sloths. Our motto is: We may be slow but we are motivated!

Maggie: Not much of a slogan but I'll think about it.

Random Sloth:Thank you. *walks very slowly and awkwardly from the room*

OOC:Hope that's okay.

[The last sane person]

*Roya secretly spies the proceedures and the new residence of the Vala and smiles, but sadly so.*

Roya: So...She is sticking the old farts in an old fart's home and sucking them clean of their powers...Crafty...Sounds like something Evil Maggie would do.

*And thus Roya goes in to her tent. Emerging later, dressed in her finest uniform, surprisingly its white with silver accents.*

Roya: Well, you did once say that you wanted a mess to clean up after.... But i dont think i'll deliver...

*and so, dressed as such, she called up her loyal General and bequithed the special unit of dread ninjas to him and walked over to the fortress of Maggie and the old Farty Vala*

Maggie:*spying Roya* so, she has become wise and wants to surrender. Katt!

Katt: *squeaks at the goodness loaded voice* yes'm?

Maggie: Let the evil general in please...

*Katt lets Roya in and squints when she sees her uniform, blinded by the whiteness*

Roya: I do believe i have something to tell the lot of you.

Maggie:*In super sweet voice* of course, care for tea?

Roya: No. Thank you.

*so Roya was lead into this small room and sat in a chair in the middle. Maggie, her henchwoman and all the Vala assembled in front of her*

Maggie: And what might you be striding in so boldly here for?

Roya: I think it something about surrender.

*The Vala all lean forward eagerly. Watching the face of their apperantly defeted foe quite eagerly*

Maggie: *in a triumphant voice* aha! I shall get the papers and the dungeon ready for you!

*Roya merely looked forward without much emmotion. Before Maggie could get two steps, a lound BANG was heard and all was thrown into chaos.*

Maggie: What the!?

*She looked around to find a dead Roya lying there, her once white uniform now red in the dust. And all the Vala had dissapeard. All except Ulmo.*

Maggie: ARG! *her cell phone rings* What?! *she hears Human on the othe line* What do you want?!

Human: Well, you see...i knew that she would be doing some thing along those lines when she called me.

Maggie: So it was you who sent...let me guess...THOSE BLASTED PENGUINS!!?

Human: Yes. It was. Because i also knew she would never wish to have given up to you and still live. Samuri Honor you know. So i relieved her of such dishonor.

Maggie:*fumes* YOU KILLED YOUR LEADER?!

Human: well you see...she wasnt my leader after she made that call. As she had given me her elite ninjas and all. So any way, yes, i did put her out of her misery. And i also take control of her army. Since she is dead and i am the next in charge and all.

Maggie: Wait! Where are the Vala?

Human: aha! well, like she said before, those jars arent physical jars. They were made out of her essence. So in order to be truley effective she couldnt really have a body and have the jam jars working. She was afraid you would figure it out and use physics to get them out. So now she's dead, her essence is free and now imprisoning the Vala in the same place spirits go.

Maggie: Arg! Why did she let Ulmo free?!

Human: Cause you wanted him to be and you said so once..i think she honored that request. Bye!

*click*

OOC: And so I exit.