I want some people to go over some of my writing

Amea · 11-05-2003, 01:48 PM

Hi, I'm Amea and I was wondering if anybody would mind looking over some of my writing and telling what they think? I don't want to post it until I'm sure that some poeple want to read it.

PippinTook · 11-05-2003, 02:58 PM

I'd read it, I don't know how good I am at critiqueing but I'd be glad to read your story!

Akamai Deredal · 11-05-2003, 03:34 PM

I'd also be more than happy to read what you've written, though I can't say how quickly I'll have it done. School work has been a bit more demanding than usual, as of late. But I will do my best, if you want me to help.

Amea · 11-05-2003, 03:38 PM

Cool

I did't think anybody would respond. Um... It might take me a while to get it all up but I'll get it up sometime in the near future. Here's only part of it...
The past is important to the present and to the future. I will tell you the past, but you must find the future for yourself...
Long ago before the races were divided, before we all grew away from Luna, in that time Luna lived among us. (sorry got to go. Uh... My teacher is yelling at me)

Amea · 11-10-2003, 08:34 AM

Hi People,
I'm back (for now) Hey where is everybody

Oh well, Such is the fate of my threads. I think I want to let off on the story from before for now,at least. But I have a bunch of poems for you guys to look at. (I'll post them latter 'cause right now I think the first bell has just rung. So cao)

Lizra · 11-10-2003, 08:40 AM

I'll read them if they're readable!

and not too long!

Post em and don't worry about it.

It's like fishing. If you get a bite, great, if not...change the bait, or location!

Amea · 11-10-2003, 10:42 AM

Thanks Lizra. I was wondering if anyone would respond. Well anyway

Don’t leave me

Don’t leave me
I cried into the night
As your face faded from my sight
Don’t leave me alone
I had thought you were my own
Was I deceived?
Why did I believe?
You would never leave
Don’t leave me
Was my final plea
It echoed from my mountains to my sea
I wish you were here with me
Don’t leave me
I cry, as tears fell from my eyes
Our love becomes empty lies
Don’t leave me
I love you
You know I do
Say you love me too
You love me
You love me not
You love me
You love me not
You love me
You love me not...
You don’t love me do you?

Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me
Was my cry into the night
My cry of bone chilling fright
Why don’t you love me?
I gave you the secret key
To my heart, I let you in
Don’t leave me...
Don’t fade away into memories...
Don’t turn into a shadow in the night
Don’t leave me
I love you
You know I do
Say you love me too
You love me
You love me not
You love me
You love me not
You love me
You love me not...
You don’t love me do you?
Don’t leave me
I’m alone can’t you see standing where
You left me
Don’t leave me I cry
But my hands clutched at shadows
You're gone, this I know
But did you have to go?
You left me
My eyes only see darkness where there once was light
I can only see night
You left me
How I long to see the morning’s blue skies
But darkness clouds my eyes
The darkness clouds my vision
I wish someone would release me from this prison
Maybe one day someone will come and bring light
Into my perpetual night
But till then I will shun men
And keep my guard up
You left me
I loved you
As I will always do
Oh, how I wished you’d say you loved me too
You love me
You love me not...
I know this is true
So, good bye, so long, farewell, a due...
Now I will leave you.

Hope you like it

Lizra · 11-10-2003, 11:07 AM

That's very readable!

It's a little repititious in spots. I (personally.....you should do as you wish! ) would make it shorter...and MORE gutwrenchingly personal!

Let's see.....

....I cry into the night,
as your face fades from my sight.....

....was my final plea, echoing from my mountains to my sea.......

....I cry, the tears fall from my eyes, our love becomes just empty lies.

love me love me not stuff breaks the flow (for me..

)

Very nice! .....Poor baby!

Amea · 11-10-2003, 01:34 PM

Hey thanks

You got some good ideas! ....I cry, the tears fall from my eyes, our love becomes just empty lies... Ilove that part I think I'll add it in if it's alright with you. The reson why it's so long is because it's a song. (Damn, I can't stop ryming)

I'm gonna take out some of the loves me loves me not's out, But it's sort of the corus (can't spell

)

Lizra · 11-10-2003, 02:38 PM

Oh! A song!

Well that's different. A chorus! I get it now!

Amea · 11-11-2003, 01:41 PM

The problem is I can't spell

But I'm glad you like it. Hey, Just wondering do you write? If you do why don't you post some of your writings. I want to make a thread where people can post their writings to get some feedback.

Lizra · 11-11-2003, 02:25 PM

Feedback! Who needs feedback!

I wrote a garden column for our local paper for several years. I posted some of those in the "Non fiction" thread. Other than that, my posts are my writing.

I am a painter at this point in time!

You could start a "Song" thread here in the "Writer's Workshop". I don't think I've seen one of those...but I could be wrong. People post their stuff in this forum fairly often. You could direct your questions to IronParrot, the moderator for this forum.

Amea · 11-11-2003, 03:19 PM

I'll try that. (on a lighter note) Cool your a painter, I always wanted to paint but I could never find the time

ayarella · 11-12-2003, 03:26 AM

Hey! I read your song. It has great rythm. I found just a few tiny grammatical errors.

1. "Your gone, this I know" (not possessive YOUR but you=are=you're)

2. "And I will always do" (try As I will always do?)

3. "Oh how I wished you would say you love me too" (try loved me too)

Just a few ideas. I could be completely off the wall since I have bad insomnia and as a result am slightly psycho.

Good luck with your writings...you have a unique talent!

Amea · 11-12-2003, 11:15 AM

Thanks ayarella, I like what your thinking. You gave me a new Idea for a new poem. ( Your new here arn't you? Wellcome to Entmoot)

Amea · 11-12-2003, 03:36 PM

I edited Don't leave me Just look at the old post. If there is any more that you guys can add just post it and I'll see what I can do.

***Tessar*** · 11-14-2003, 06:26 PM

If ya can't spell do what I do... Use the spell checker on your editing program (for me it's Microsoft Word).

The first part Don't leave me should probably be "Don't leave me" with the little "s around it, because it's what you're saying

.

I like the song a lot, it's very nice and flows well!

Amea · 11-17-2003, 01:39 PM

Hey Guys, (sorry I haven't been on, My computer is being dumb) Thanks Tessar. I would use my comps word program but it's being a pain at this moment in time so... I will do the best I can

(Uh Guys

Where is everybody!!!!!!)

Goldberry1 · 11-20-2003, 04:17 PM

just a question... was there a source of inspiration for your song Amea? for some reason it's ringing a bell inside my head...

but i really like it! definitely well-written.

Amea · 11-21-2003, 12:26 PM

There is really no insperation for my song, I guess you can just call it a childish twittle. The reason I wrote the song is because my Ex-boyfriend had dumped me and I was really depressed and angery. It took me a few weeks to get over it and that's when I wrote the last few lines
" You love me
You love me not...
I know this is true
So, good bye, so long, farewell, a due...
Now I will leave you."
But all in all thanks for the comments guys and to all the writers out there keep writing, Peace out

(yeah I know it's cornie)

11-05-2003, 01:48 PM	#1
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	I want some people to go over some of my writing Hi, I'm Amea and I was wondering if anybody would mind looking over some of my writing and telling what they think? I don't want to post it until I'm sure that some poeple want to read it. __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

11-05-2003, 02:58 PM	#2
PippinTook The Infamous Tea Hobbit Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Riding my Attack Llama, CORY! Posts: 1,162	I'd read it, I don't know how good I am at critiqueing but I'd be glad to read your story! __________________ http://jupiter.walagata.com/w/shanakdakhete/svbf.gif If I can stop one heart from aching, I shall not live in vain. -Emily Dickinson But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd Never can quite understand The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought By the touch of the Master's hand. Though she be but little, she is fierce! -MSND

11-05-2003, 03:34 PM	#3
Akamai Deredal Elven Warrior Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Beyond conscious thought... and always out of reach Posts: 362	I'd also be more than happy to read what you've written, though I can't say how quickly I'll have it done. School work has been a bit more demanding than usual, as of late. But I will do my best, if you want me to help. __________________ Shadows of a Midnight Rain All writers of any sort, are welcome to come and share their works. Potius mori quam foedari... Death before dishonour...

11-05-2003, 03:38 PM	#4
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	Cool I did't think anybody would respond. Um... It might take me a while to get it all up but I'll get it up sometime in the near future. Here's only part of it... The past is important to the present and to the future. I will tell you the past, but you must find the future for yourself... Long ago before the races were divided, before we all grew away from Luna, in that time Luna lived among us. (sorry got to go. Uh... My teacher is yelling at me) __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

11-10-2003, 08:34 AM	#5
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	Hi People, I'm back (for now) Hey where is everybody Oh well, Such is the fate of my threads. I think I want to let off on the story from before for now,at least. But I have a bunch of poems for you guys to look at. (I'll post them latter 'cause right now I think the first bell has just rung. So cao) __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

11-10-2003, 08:40 AM	#6
Lizra Domesticated Swing Babe Join Date: May 2002 Location: Reality Posts: 5,340	I'll read them if they're readable! and not too long! Post em and don't worry about it. It's like fishing. If you get a bite, great, if not...change the bait, or location! __________________ Happy Atheist Go Democrats!

11-10-2003, 10:42 AM	#7
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	Thanks Lizra. I was wondering if anyone would respond. Well anyway Don’t leave me Don’t leave me I cried into the night As your face faded from my sight Don’t leave me alone I had thought you were my own Was I deceived? Why did I believe? You would never leave Don’t leave me Was my final plea It echoed from my mountains to my sea I wish you were here with me Don’t leave me I cry, as tears fell from my eyes Our love becomes empty lies Don’t leave me I love you You know I do Say you love me too You love me You love me not You love me You love me not You love me You love me not... You don’t love me do you? Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me Was my cry into the night My cry of bone chilling fright Why don’t you love me? I gave you the secret key To my heart, I let you in Don’t leave me... Don’t fade away into memories... Don’t turn into a shadow in the night Don’t leave me I love you You know I do Say you love me too You love me You love me not You love me You love me not You love me You love me not... You don’t love me do you? Don’t leave me I’m alone can’t you see standing where You left me Don’t leave me I cry But my hands clutched at shadows You're gone, this I know But did you have to go? You left me My eyes only see darkness where there once was light I can only see night You left me How I long to see the morning’s blue skies But darkness clouds my eyes The darkness clouds my vision I wish someone would release me from this prison Maybe one day someone will come and bring light Into my perpetual night But till then I will shun men And keep my guard up You left me I loved you As I will always do Oh, how I wished you’d say you loved me too You love me You love me not... I know this is true So, good bye, so long, farewell, a due... Now I will leave you. Hope you like it __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P Last edited by Amea : 11-12-2003 at 03:35 PM.

11-10-2003, 11:07 AM	#8
Lizra Domesticated Swing Babe Join Date: May 2002 Location: Reality Posts: 5,340	That's very readable! It's a little repititious in spots. I (personally.....you should do as you wish! ) would make it shorter...and MORE gutwrenchingly personal! Let's see..... ....I cry into the night, as your face fades from my sight..... ....was my final plea, echoing from my mountains to my sea....... ....I cry, the tears fall from my eyes, our love becomes just empty lies. love me love me not stuff breaks the flow (for me.. ) Very nice! .....Poor baby! __________________ Happy Atheist Go Democrats!

11-10-2003, 01:34 PM	#9
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	Hey thanks You got some good ideas! ....I cry, the tears fall from my eyes, our love becomes just empty lies... Ilove that part I think I'll add it in if it's alright with you. The reson why it's so long is because it's a song. (Damn, I can't stop ryming) I'm gonna take out some of the loves me loves me not's out, But it's sort of the corus (can't spell ) __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

11-10-2003, 02:38 PM	#10
Lizra Domesticated Swing Babe Join Date: May 2002 Location: Reality Posts: 5,340	Oh! A song! Well that's different. A chorus! I get it now! __________________ Happy Atheist Go Democrats!

11-11-2003, 01:41 PM	#11
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	The problem is I can't spell But I'm glad you like it. Hey, Just wondering do you write? If you do why don't you post some of your writings. I want to make a thread where people can post their writings to get some feedback. __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

11-11-2003, 02:25 PM	#12
Lizra Domesticated Swing Babe Join Date: May 2002 Location: Reality Posts: 5,340	Feedback! Who needs feedback! I wrote a garden column for our local paper for several years. I posted some of those in the "Non fiction" thread. Other than that, my posts are my writing. I am a painter at this point in time! You could start a "Song" thread here in the "Writer's Workshop". I don't think I've seen one of those...but I could be wrong. People post their stuff in this forum fairly often. You could direct your questions to IronParrot, the moderator for this forum. __________________ Happy Atheist Go Democrats!

11-11-2003, 03:19 PM	#13
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	I'll try that. (on a lighter note) Cool your a painter, I always wanted to paint but I could never find the time __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

11-12-2003, 03:26 AM	#14
ayarella Hobbit Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: I am living in a large city with smog!!!!!! Posts: 27	Hey! Hey! I read your song. It has great rythm. I found just a few tiny grammatical errors. 1. "Your gone, this I know" (not possessive YOUR but you=are=you're) 2. "And I will always do" (try As I will always do?) 3. "Oh how I wished you would say you love me too" (try loved me too) Just a few ideas. I could be completely off the wall since I have bad insomnia and as a result am slightly psycho. Good luck with your writings...you have a unique talent! __________________ always trying to learn something- aya

11-12-2003, 11:15 AM	#15
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	Thanks ayarella, I like what your thinking. You gave me a new Idea for a new poem. ( Your new here arn't you? Wellcome to Entmoot) __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

11-12-2003, 03:36 PM	#16
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	I edited Don't leave me Just look at the old post. If there is any more that you guys can add just post it and I'll see what I can do. __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

11-14-2003, 06:26 PM	#17
*Tessar* Master and Wielder of the Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ Posts: 6,433	If ya can't spell do what I do... Use the spell checker on your editing program (for me it's Microsoft Word). The first part Don't leave me should probably be "Don't leave me" with the little "s around it, because it's what you're saying . I like the song a lot, it's very nice and flows well!

11-17-2003, 01:39 PM	#18
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	Hey Guys, (sorry I haven't been on, My computer is being dumb) Thanks Tessar. I would use my comps word program but it's being a pain at this moment in time so... I will do the best I can (Uh Guys Where is everybody!!!!!!) __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P Last edited by Amea : 11-18-2003 at 01:42 PM.

11-20-2003, 04:17 PM	#19
Goldberry1 Elven Warrior Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: DC or Delaware, depending on the time of year Posts: 244	just a question... was there a source of inspiration for your song Amea? for some reason it's ringing a bell inside my head... but i really like it! definitely well-written. __________________ Oh, your collegiate grief has left you dowdy in sweatshirts, absolute horror!

11-21-2003, 12:26 PM	#20
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	There is really no insperation for my song, I guess you can just call it a childish twittle. The reason I wrote the song is because my Ex-boyfriend had dumped me and I was really depressed and angery. It took me a few weeks to get over it and that's when I wrote the last few lines " You love me You love me not... I know this is true So, good bye, so long, farewell, a due... Now I will leave you." But all in all thanks for the comments guys and to all the writers out there keep writing, Peace out (yeah I know it's cornie) __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

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