Eärniel's short stories

[Lief Erikson]

Randolph and Morgan's deaths were mentioned in the news broadcast. I think it's pretty clear they died.

This was a neat story . Good thoughts. I was very off-track in my guesses about where you were going through most of the story, Eärniel. That's largely because I tend to write very devious villains- in some ways I have a less gentle mind than you. Throughout the story, I was very distrustful of every character except Emma, though always for the wrong reasons.

I thought the first scene was a slow beginning to the story, but after that everything picked up. Bang up action writing, by the way . Very well written. The ending was especially well constructed, I thought. Good messages and themes, too. You write very well.

You might be amused by how completely off-track I was as to where the story was going .

I was pretty tense throughout most of the earlier part of the story out of concern that Randolph might be a madman who was successfully misguiding Morgan. That concern kept me tense until Max's dragon identity was revealed. After that, I was dancing a bit between the possibility that Max was good, as Max was arguing, and the possibility that Max was living up to her name and being simply devilishly clever in her attempts to deceive her enemies. If it was the latter, I was thinking she might successfully get the T-Shirts distributed by convincing Morgan and Randolph (or maybe just Morgan) that she actually was not bad, and thus through them unleashing a reign of terror on the world by her trickery.

But my knowing you personally helped me to stay on course some during that final conversation. I knew you loved environmentalism, so as I was listening to the good environmental messages coming out, I suspected that really Max was honest.

I think what you wrote about the setting and location was well written and helpful, but like you noticed, it did tend to drag some. Maybe just revealing that Max is a dragon and a good one in the first scene would be a good idea. That would grab readers right from the start and keep people like me from considering so many alternative plotlines to the one you intended . The conclusion would not be easily predictable, but that would help me to stay with the story better.

Though if you revealed Max's dragoninity immediately, that might make Emma's seeming death appear a bit nastier when it happens, since the readers would know she's not the dragon. That nastiness might distract attention from what was coming, and so wouldn't really contribute . . . Though it could be avoided if Randolph was to shoot her at longer range (perhaps out of fear of her dragon fire or danger reflexes) and hit her in a part of her body where the reader knows it wouldn't kill a normal human, so readers could guess she'll be okay. Then having the audience know that Morgan and Randolph are walking into Emma's shop, the dragon's lair, with the incorrect belief that they've killed the dragon would create suspense. If I'd known it was good dragon vs. (semi-)good people from the start, that might have focused my attention and expectations more accurately, thus enabling the conclusion to satisfy me more effectively. And all the environmental and historical answers and arguments could still be saved for the climax, just as they are now. Those would help a lot and still prove effective in bringing about a forceful climax, just as they do now.

Just some ideas, takeable or leaveable .

You wrote the story very well . I like the conclusion a lot and the structure, and your writing style. The final scene with Emma also really flows well.

[Olmer]

A very well composed story, Eärniel, with catching up beginning, unexpected twists, and filled with emotions end.
Also it carries a pressingly important message about human's arrogance in governing our Earth.

You definately have a talent for writing. Don't stop, you are good at it!

[Tessar]

Really fantastic writing!

Some of the dialogue was a little awkward, but other than that I didn't notice anything. It was fantastic!

[tolkienfan]

Another thing I wanted to add: I was thinking about these characters for a long time after reading the story. You really made them real to me. I still can't figure out if Emalaxrys was really good or not, and if you aren't going to make a sequal you might want to make that more clear, unless you purposely left it up to the reader. I really liked Randolph and Morgan, that's why I don't want them to be dead. I don't know, this feels more like a first chapter of a book or the first in a series than just a short story. The whole thing just made me want to read more.

[Rían]

As per Eärniel's request, here's a thread for comments

[Rían]

English comments

"Would you like some tea? The water’s just cooked.�
(English comment - prob. "boiled" is better - "cooked" isn't used that way for water)

“Do you think it’s a bit egocentrically, if you’re proud to come on telly..."
(egocentric, not egocentrically)

“Oh look, it’s starting.� He added while pointing to the TV-screen.
(punctuation - should be "Oh look, it's starting," he added while pointing to the TV- screen. The way you have it, with a capital-H "He", you have a sentence fragment.

"The majority of shops has now disappeared or stands empty"
(verb tense error - since "shops" is plural, you need to use "they", so it's "(they)have now disappeared" and "(they)stand empty")

"we both live close-by ..."
(should be close by - no hyphen, because it's not modifying anything)

"So people only learn of us through mouth-to-mouth advertising. "
(heehee! This was cute - made me think of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! Although your expression isn't incorrect, the usual expression is "word of mouth" )

"...and no future of any importance safe to live out the last few years of his life in solitude and silence. "
(I think you mean "SAVE to live out? as in "except"? unless I misunderstand your meaning)

ok - I read up to the first "~~~" - very well-written so far! Interesting and lively Good job!

[Rían]

oops *embarassed*

I just noticed that comments were at the end of the story!

(I was copying the "discussion for..." thread for the other story)

[Earniel]

Originally Posted by Tessar

Aaaaaargh! I can't stop thinking about this story!

Um... sorry? I'll take it like a compliment.

Much thanks for the corrections, RÃ*an. Don't worry about the thread, I know most people use one for the story and one for the comments; but since the story is finished, I don't mind having the comments in the same thread. So I merged them together.

[BeardofPants]

I could have sworn that I made a comment on this story, but apparently not. I really enjoyed reading it when you posted it. Congrats on the kudos!

[Tessar]

OMG YAY!!! Well deserved!!! This is an awesome story. I still pop back over and read it from time to time, cuz it's just good.

[Earniel]

My short story got accepted for the January issue of the EMG-zine!

With much thanks to Willow for one thorough and speedy proof-reading. (Any mistakes still in the story are solely due to my re-writing bits afterwards.)

[hectorberlioz]

Congratulations! I am off to read it at this moment .

EDIT: A nice story.

Perhaps my analyzation is weak, but apparently Tara was able to prove to her mother that gymnastics were not so useless afterall. But it took a bit of hallucination for her to be able to do what she did.

PS: You know, putting stuff in spoiler tags makes for a hard read.

[Jonathan]

Originally Posted by Eärniel

My short story got accepted at the EMG-zine! It can be found here, but you can check out the rest of the monthly e-zine too. (Link will only remain active during January, will host story elsewhere afterwards.)

With much thanks to Willow for one thorough and speedy proof-reading. (Any mistakes still in the story are solely due to my re-writing bits afterwards.)

Congrats Eärniel! I gathered that EMG-zine is currently showing an interest in bulls and oxes, due to the Chinese zodiac sign (though the Chinese Year of the Ox won't actually begin until the end of January ).

Bull Dance is an enjoyable short story. Visiting ancient Crete is nice, whether it's by reading Greek myths or one of Eärniel's writings Did you get your inspiration from a personal visit to Crete? I was first kind of surprised that you didn't let the bull dance take place in Corsica. I mean, seeing as you have like a special relationship with that island. But then, in prehistoric times the Cretans amused themselves with leaping over bulls, didn't they? Much more so than the Corsicans I suppose. (But I bet present-day Corsicans wish their cars could leap those darn cows that insist on blocking the roads! )

The Year of the Ox happens to be my zodiac sign. Being an amateur sinologist, I thought I'd give the Ox some special attention this year. Maybe by wearing a red ribbon at times like the Chinese do, or eat less beef meat, or whatever

Yeah, that's just me rambling.

[Earniel]

Originally Posted by hectorberlioz

Perhaps my analyzation is weak, but apparently Tara was able to prove to her mother that gymnastics were not so useless afterall. But it took a bit of hallucination for her to be able to do what she did.

She at least managed to prove to herself that gymnastic can be quite useful, but I fear her mother may be a tougher nut to crack.

Originally Posted by Jonathan

Congrats Eärniel! I gathered that EMG-zine is currently showing an interest in bulls and oxes, due to the Chinese zodiac sign (though the Chinese Year of the Ox won't actually begin until the end of January ).

There's a new theme each month. But I believe January is traditionally the one for the Chinese Zodiac. The theme actually was Ox, but I just used the bull because it fitted better in my story.

I'm going to try if I can submit more short stories this year to EMG-zine, it would be a good exercise for me in finishing stories a little sooner than the usual years it takes me now.

Bull Dance is an enjoyable short story. Visiting ancient Crete is nice, whether it's by reading Greek myths or one of Eärniel's writings Did you get your inspiration from a personal visit to Crete?

Alas, maybe one day. But until then I shall have to come by on documentaries. As it happened, there was one on TV the month before I wrote the story, although that one focussed on Evans and Kouroi, not bulls.

I was first kind of surprised that you didn't let the bull dance take place in Corsica. I mean, seeing as you have like a special relationship with that island. But then, in prehistoric times the Cretans amused themselves with leaping over bulls, didn't they? Much more so than the Corsicans I suppose. (But I bet present-day Corsicans wish their cars could leap those darn cows that insist on blocking the roads! )

Hahah, never fear, Corsica is bound to pop up in my stories some place! (In fact it has been referenced briefly in a story excerpt (Of Books, Imps and Otters) but may feature less cryptically if I ever get to expanding it.)

But Corsica doesn't have the mythologic/historic connection to bull dancing that I was looking for. Although I have to say the cows and bulls on Corsica are darn beautiful and intelligent specimen! A real pleasure to run into them. Just not in the middle of the mountain road behind one of those sharp turns, mind you.

[Jonathan]

Considering the proximity to Corsica, I wonder whether the roads of Sardinia are "infested" with cows and cattle as well! I'm going there next week

[Earniel]

A short-story of mine that was just published in the monthly EMG-zine, about how one can encounter selkies in a modern-day setting.

[Coffeehouse]

It suddenly seemed terribly wrong to Jeremy to keep an old lady behind bars on a concrete floor without so much as a blanket.

Good read! This one made me laugh

[Varnafindë]

A captive audience never had a more suitable image.

Indeed ...

[Earniel]

Another short story of mine, just published in EMG-zine.

I very much liked the idea of this one, but it was a rush job, so the writing isn't as solid as it could be and I hope to god there aren't any glaring errors since I didn't have the time to get it corrected. (If you see and error, please let me know.)

[Mari]

Nice! The only error I spotted as I read it quickly, was the error in your post above.

I actually read two books in the past 2 weeks that have a very similar theme. It's very vexing, because in the books the strange animals aren't explained either. >_<