Jane Austen

[Mercutio]

This is from From How to Become Ridiculously Well-Read in One Evening, compiled by E. O. Parrott (Viking, Penguin Books, 1985). It's a collection of spoofs (about 1 page apiece, attempting to cleverly summarize famous works of literature). Ask me for a book and I'll see if it's in there (but they take a while to type up.) They range from letters to poems to sonnets to newspaper headlines to conversations.

Pride and Prejudice, by Mary Holtby

``Marry well'', is Bennet tenet: Bingley singly must remain
Since classy Darcy (Lizzy-dizzy) thinks he's far too good for Jane.
Rummy mummy, jaunty aunty, these would drag both gallants down --
Plus the younger siblings' dribblings over officers in town.
See the specious Wickham trick 'em with his tales of birthright gloom,
See how hideous Lydia's ruin looms before she gets her groom;
Glassy Darcy saves the bacon, shaken out of former pride:
Is he Lizzy's destined love, to shove her prejudice aside?
Has she clout to flout that matron, patroness of priestly coz
(He whose ludicrous proposing Rosings rules -- like all he does)?
Darcy oughter court her daughter, destined his through two decades...

``Mulish, foolish girl, remember Pemberley's polluted shades!''
Dare she share his great estate, or can't Aunt Catherine be defied?
Yes! and ere the bells ring jingly, Bingley too shall claim his bride.

Emma, by Joyce Johnson

Miss Bates has a visitor:

'My dear Mrs Cole, how very kind -- yes, quite well, I thank you -- do pray take a seat. We have such news! Have you heard -- No? Well, I think it is all a secret, so perhaps I should not say but no one had any idea -- except Jane and Mr Churchill, of course, and all the time we thought he was only calling about my mother's spectacles. Dear Jane is much better already -- we are so thankful. Do oblige us by taking some refreshment -- one of Mr Knightley's baked apples -- some cake? Miss Woodhouse called yesterday and was so good as to taste a small slice and pronounce it delicious -- such kindness. She is now out with Jane -- she takes the news extremely well, considering -- no sign of disappointment -- Box Hill, yes, delightful -- but I am afraid my silly chatter sometimes -- however, Mr Churchill did seem so very attentive -- but then we are all so fond of the excellent Miss Woodhouse -- but to think all this time -- one can hardly credit -- it was poor Mrs Churchill dying, you know, that let it all out. We have surprises indeed in Highbury, do we not, Mrs Cole? First, Mr Elton suddenly brings back a bride -- charming -- but some thought he showed a marked preference for Miss Smith, some thought for another -- I never notice such things -- and now on top of Jane being engaged to Mr Churchill we hear Miss Smith is to marry the good Mr Martin of Abbey Mill Farm -- oh, must you be going? So sorry you will not take a baked apple, one of Mr Knightley's -- he will be marrying next, I should not be surprised -- so much talk of marrying going on -- and there's our dear Miss Woodhouse -- what could be more suitable?'