The Tale of Arhdfaes Feedback

[Black Numenorean]

Please post feedback to my story, which you can view here
Please read the story before reading this information, I will update it as the story progresses

Notes: The story takes place in a made up land similar to Middle Earth, and Arhdfaes if you were wondering is Elvish, and the City of Los-Langos was Elvish. Los-Langos is loosely based on Minas-Tirith and Gondolin. Gol-Garthadum's army attacks the city because it was the last great outpost of Light in the Region of Nornonia which had been overrun by the Shadow Forces. Nornonia was primarily an Elvish region but there was a significant population of men that had settled in the region that were sided with the Elves.

Tronostar Line:
Toronel
|
Yawelne
|
Toronel II
|
Neolnostar
|
Arhdfaes

Brief History of Los-Langos and Nornonia: Los-Langos was founded by elves traveling east from the coast of Dol-Traeliquenya in search of new homes after overpopulation in the east in the year 1021. These elves would later be called the Nol-Langos (the enlightened ones). It was founded by Toronel of the house of Tronostar, and the house of Tronostar became the kings of the city. After the death of Toronel by hunting accident in 1261 and the inheritance of the throne went to his son Yawelne. Yawelne brought many immigrants still arriving from the shores beyond to the city, which became a prospering economic and cultural center for the elves and the region of Nornonia. The makeup of the city was almost all elvish but there were a few men that were allowed to live there by the king. These men became known as the Venya-Nol (elf friends) and often married into elvish houses and took elvish brides. Yawelne gave them the elvish gift of sorcery, and in return they swore loyalty to the kingdom. In 1282 the city erected its grand white walls and gate, and Yawelne began constructing the hall of kings. In 1481 joined the Westbound elves and left the position of king to his son, Toronel II. Toronel II was a corrupt leader, and made many deals with the shady ruler of the Dark Elves (called the Nol-Vardum which means dark ones), Gol-Gorathadum. The Dark Elves were called so because they misused the power of sorcery and thus were punished with their crimson red skin and a curse that prevented them from doing right. They spoke a different language than the Nol-Longas and their capital city was called Shveenya-Gor. The Nol-Longas called Gol-Gorathadum Dierni-Min, which means carrier of dark. The elves of Dol-Traeliquenya (Nol-Orini, the ones who stayed behind) called him simply Min, which means no light. The Nol-Vardum called him simply Gorath. The Nol-Vardum gave Los-Longas weapons in exchange for the relearning of the art of sorcery. They also regularily gave tribute to the Nol-Longas, usually in the form of metalwork, for the Nol-Vardum were the finest blacksmiths in the world. Once they presented an amulet to Toronel II in the spring of 1531, and it was the finest amulet ever made. It contained all the colors ever made, and it was in the shape of an oval. But this beautiful amulet had a curse, for whoever wore it would have a horrible fate befall them, and depending on how clean that person's soul was it would occour, so the cleaner your soul the longer away the fate was. That night Toronel II was discovered by his servants screaming about treachery, and then he died. The throne passed onto the king's son, Neolnostar, who hated the Dark Elves and discontinued their alliance. He made many momuments to Toronel and Yawelne, and took pity on his father's memory for the city remembered him as a coward and traitor. He made an alliance with various southern tribes of men. He also built many towns between the kingdom of Los-Longas and the coast of Dol-Traeliquenya. Meanwhile the Nol-Vardum were making alliances with the northern tribes of men and with the goblins of the mountains of Fordum. The golden age lasted until 1934 when a combined army of Dark Elves, Dark Men (men that had made alliances with the Dark Elves), Goblins, and Trolls attacked the city, and they laid seige to it till the fall of the city in 1937. Neolnostar was killed but his son was said to have escaped along with other survivors. Most of the people that were not killed or did not escape were enslaved by the Dark Elves, and sent to work in the massive forgeries of Shveenya-Gor, or sold to the goblins to work in their mines.

The Tribes of Men

The Northern Tribes (Dark Men)
Horonion-The Horonion were dark by nature and lived in the towns and villages similar to some of the tribes of the south. They lived in the northeast of Nornonia
Razulek-The Razulek were a barbaric tribe from the far west, and lived in small villages and in the forest and in mountains. They were famous for going into battle with nothing more than animal furs and famous Razulek battle axes. They were the most evil of all men.
Yunit-The Yunit were from the far far north of the world, and lived on the massive seas of ice and snow and mountains. They lived in small hunter gatherer groups and hunted the seals and whales of the far north. They wore warm animal furs and their weapons were made out of whale and seal bone, they were peaceful and the ones that fought for the Dark Elves were forced to. It has been said that their shamans have some knowledge of sorcery. After the fall of Los-Longas they dissapear from history.
Urun-The Urun were from the far northwest and were barbaric in nature but the most technologically advanced of the Dark Men. They sported grand armies, cities and temples, and they equalled the Dark Elves in technology.

The Southern Tribes (Enlightened Men)
Pitniet-From the forests south of the mountains of Triondwe, they were primitive hunter gatherers that helped guide the Nol-Longas through the large forests of the area. They fought with primitive wooden spears.
Gignen-Lived in towns and villages sorrounding Los-Longas, and were somewhat technologically advanced. They were the most numbered of all the men of the south.
Al-Birad-They lived in the far south of the world in great deserts, they lived in various tribes that lived in small villages.
Falwe-They lived on the southeastern coast, in great ports. They always had an affiliation with the sea.

[Acalewia]

I really like your opening post. At first I thought you MC was one of the hordes of darkness but as I read I realized he was on of the survivors. This secert business has my attention Keep it up

[Black Numenorean]

Originally Posted by Acalewia

I really like your opening post. At first I thought you MC was one of the hordes of darkness but as I read I realized he was on of the survivors. This secert business has my attention Keep it up

Well you do not know quite yet exactly who the MC is, that is the main secret of the story. Thanks for the feedback .

[Black Numenorean]

I have expanded the world of the story more, and it might even become a novel. I am in the process of making a main language for the elves of the world, here is some basic stuff (minus the accents):

Runu nior mi' fidi.
I am smartest in the world.

Runio vietei mo etor mi' Middle-Earth.
You are about to take a journey in middle earth.

Instead when I usually create a language I start with greetings and conversational tools but I am moving from the ground up working on words, constructing sentences, adjectives and verb conjugations.

I am also working on the tree of the different groupings of Elves (the Nol) and the various tribes of men. Creating a time-system is also on my agenda. Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated.