LotR Humor

Acalewia · 09-11-2006, 05:10 PM

I found this while cleaning papers out of some folders in my closet. It was published shortly after the Two Towers was released.

SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II by Dave Barry.

Scene 1
FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!
SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to overact?
FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!
SAMWISE: But who will guide us?
FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?
SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie?
GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbit-breath.

Scene 2
LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions-- Legolas, the Strangly Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf-- in our subplot, we are pursueing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secertly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!
LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking sbout.
LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script.
GIMLI: Well, I'm really short!
(Laughter)
LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for oe of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!
LEGOLAS: Also, they have hand-to-hand combat skills of alfalfa.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Scene 3
MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!
PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!
TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat!

Scene 4
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
SWORDS: CLANG!CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Scene 5
FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?
GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels.

Scene 6
LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legola and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also know as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Urik-hai in a giant computer-generated battle.
LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.
GIMLI: I'm still short!
(Laughter)

Scene 7
FRODO: Uh-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you know what that means?
SAMWISE: Taht "Weasel Feet" would be a good name for a rock band?
FRODO: Yes, as would "Kung-Fu Trees" and "Combat Alfalfa." But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be...
SAMEWISE: No! Not that!
FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.

From a Humor Article called Gadzooks, Beefbag, why can't you lose the Ring in the sink by Dave Barry. 2002, Arkansas-Democrat Gazette

jammi567 · 09-11-2006, 05:32 PM

That's so stupid that it made me LOL.

Gwaimir Windgem · 09-11-2006, 06:14 PM

I thoroughly approve of the Gimli lines.

Acalewia · 09-12-2006, 10:25 AM

When I first saw it I thought "I have got to cut this out!" Then yesterday when I found it again I thought "I have got to post this" Bonus points if you can pick out Barry's mistake.

jammi567 · 09-12-2006, 07:42 PM

if you thinkthat's funny, watch this. (waring, strong language).

durinsbane2244 · 09-12-2006, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Acalewia

When I first saw it I thought "I have got to cut this out!" Then yesterday when I found it again I thought "I have got to post this" Bonus points if you can pick out Barry's mistake.

well, white and grey don't make beige...

Curubethion · 09-12-2006, 08:24 PM

Ah, that was funny. Dave Barry's a great humorist...I've also read some of his "Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort-Of History of the United States".

Meriadoc Brandybuck · 09-12-2006, 08:55 PM

Hilarious! Love the weasel line.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Acalewia

When I first saw it I thought "I have got to cut this out!" Then yesterday when I found it again I thought "I have got to post this" Bonus points if you can pick out Barry's mistake.

Instead of Legolas, he puts Legola once, and he spelled "that" wrong. Also, I don't believe they know about alfalfa, New Zealand, or Dick Cheney in Middle Earth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jammi567

if you thinkthat's funny, watch this. (waring, strong language).

Talk about language!

Notice the SW geek does all the swearing. Clearly jealous.

Thain Peregrin Took I · 09-12-2006, 11:41 PM

Hilarious!

The weasel part was extra-funny. I wonder if he did the same thing for the other movies?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jammi

if you thinkthat's funny, watch this. (waring, strong language).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merry

Notice the SW geek does all the swearing. Clearly jealous.

Obviously jealous.

Acalewia · 09-13-2006, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meriadoc Brandybuck

Instead of Legolas, he puts Legola once, and he spelled "that" wrong. Also, I don't believe they know about alfalfa, New Zealand, or Dick Cheney in Middle Earth.

Nope. [hint]its in scene 2[/hint]

Darn computer! I'll have to look at that when i can get it unblocked.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thain Peregrin Took I

Hilarious! The weasel part was extra-funny. I wonder if he did the same thing for the other movies?

I don't know. I haven't seen any. hmmm. I think I'll look

09-11-2006, 05:10 PM	#1
Acalewia Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: In trouble. As usual. Posts: 4,674	LotR Humor I found this while cleaning papers out of some folders in my closet. It was published shortly after the Two Towers was released. SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II by Dave Barry. Scene 1 FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie! SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to overact? FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand! SAMWISE: But who will guide us? FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over? SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie? GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbit-breath. Scene 2 LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions-- Legolas, the Strangly Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf-- in our subplot, we are pursueing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secertly in league with the evil wizard Saruman! LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking sbout. LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script. GIMLI: Well, I'm really short! (Laughter) LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for oe of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes! LEGOLAS: Also, they have hand-to-hand combat skills of alfalfa. MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! Scene 3 MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees! PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything! TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! Scene 4 MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. SWORDS: CLANG!CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! Scene 5 FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney? GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels. Scene 6 LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legola and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also know as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Urik-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up. LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees. GIMLI: I'm still short! (Laughter) Scene 7 FRODO: Uh-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you know what that means? SAMWISE: Taht "Weasel Feet" would be a good name for a rock band? FRODO: Yes, as would "Kung-Fu Trees" and "Combat Alfalfa." But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be... SAMEWISE: No! Not that! FRODO: Yes. Another sequel. MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. From a Humor Article called Gadzooks, Beefbag, why can't you lose the Ring in the sink by Dave Barry. 2002, Arkansas-Democrat Gazette __________________ "Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera

09-11-2006, 05:32 PM	#2
jammi567 I'm Eru, and lord of Arda. Join Date: May 2006 Location: southampton, hampshire Posts: 2,609	That's so stupid that it made me LOL. __________________ Vote for me, Jammi567, in the 2008 Entmoot elections, and you will get many of the things we need: free, unbiased, newspapers; a strong alliance with many countries, so that war doesn't start over someone breaking their nose on a doorframe; etc, etc This forum is lonely. It's new and confused, and doesn't have many friends yet. Help today by joining for free, posting, and posting this message and link in your sig. So please, join and help make it feel welcomed and loved.

09-11-2006, 06:14 PM	#3
Gwaimir Windgem Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA Posts: 10,820	I thoroughly approve of the Gimli lines. __________________ Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle

09-12-2006, 10:25 AM	#4
Acalewia Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: In trouble. As usual. Posts: 4,674	When I first saw it I thought "I have got to cut this out!" Then yesterday when I found it again I thought "I have got to post this" Bonus points if you can pick out Barry's mistake. __________________ "Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera

09-12-2006, 07:42 PM	#5
jammi567 I'm Eru, and lord of Arda. Join Date: May 2006 Location: southampton, hampshire Posts: 2,609	if you thinkthat's funny, watch this. (waring, strong language). __________________ Vote for me, Jammi567, in the 2008 Entmoot elections, and you will get many of the things we need: free, unbiased, newspapers; a strong alliance with many countries, so that war doesn't start over someone breaking their nose on a doorframe; etc, etc This forum is lonely. It's new and confused, and doesn't have many friends yet. Help today by joining for free, posting, and posting this message and link in your sig. So please, join and help make it feel welcomed and loved.

09-12-2006, 08:24 PM	#7
Curubethion Fenway Ranger, Lord of Red Sox Nation Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: College! Posts: 1,976	Ah, that was funny. Dave Barry's a great humorist...I've also read some of his "Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort-Of History of the United States". __________________ Adventure...betrayal...heroism... Atharon: where heroes are born. My wife once said to me—when I'd been writing for ten or fifteen years—that I could always go back to being a nuclear engineer. And I said to her, 'Harriet, would you let someone who quit his job to go write fantasy anywhere near your nuclear reactor? I wouldn't!' (Robert Jordan)

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