Something I have been working on...

[Percy Weasley]

Greetings.

A friend of mine on another site and I have been working on a verse version of the Silmarillion for several months now, but have reached a bit of a impasse. I was wondering if those on this board would be willing to read and comment, and let me know what you think?

All constructive criticism is welcome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Music of the Ainur

When wondrous world was yet unknown
and Arda's sorrows still unsown
then HE dwelt in the void alone:
the One, Iluvatar.

From the far fathoms of his thought
the Holy Ones renowned he wrought,
to them a theme of music taught
that filled the darkness far.

And with the waxing of the theme
in Harmony the Ainur seem;
as Eru sits, within him gleam
great joys that none can mar.

Nor greater theme shall be unfurled
until the mending of the world
when all shall understand.

In solitude had Melkor sought
the secret flame whence life was brought
and when his search had come to naught
dismayed he had returned.

Yet in the brilliant Ainu's mind
there festered thoughts of every kind
but nothing new could Melkor find
For being still he yearned.

And as the peerless singing soared
bold Melkor picked his own reward
and from impatience brought discord
that through the song now burned.

Of ruin and of wrath he raged
frustration, loneliness uncaged
'till discord ruled the song.

Then softly smiling, Eru stood
resolved the discord, made it good
and showed proud Melkor that none could
make music in his spite.

Yet Melkor still this theme defied
And in his foe saw light denied
Thus darkly confident he vied
with Eru's theme of light.

With grave decorum Eru grew
a third theme hate could not subdue :
its sorrow pierced the screeching through
and stole away its bite.

Then Eru with his features fell
unleashed a chord from heights to hell
and thus the music ceased.

Then silence, stricter than the song
Until the father faced the throng
Wove words of warning wise yet strong
and many things they learned.

"The Holy Ones are much in might
With proudest Melkor at their height
But he shall see that in my spite
the song may not be turned.

For whoso tries this yet will seem
a tributary to the theme
to glory greater than his dream
to that which he has spurned."

Melkor seethed with burning shame
From which a secret anger came
But not a word he spoke.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that is currently all we have written. Do you think it is worth it to continue? I would love to have opinions on this.

[Earniel]

I like it, it has a nice flow. But you're in for one hell of a job if you wish to put the entire Silmarillion in verse like that.

Welcome to the Entmoot by the way.

[Percy Weasley]

Indeed, I believe at times that my friend and I are masochists, but by taking on such an ambitious project, I always have something to work on, true?

Anyway, thank you for the comments and the welcome.

I must now be hurrying off to class - it's really foggy and I need to save plenty of time for the hour drive to my grammar class...blech.

[Elf Girl]

*begins to drool* Verse.... Silmarillion...

Wow. That is really great, I love the metre. You should definetly continue it, if you can find the time.

And post the continuations! That's lovely. *saves*

[Percy Weasley]

I desperately hope that my writing partner and I can find the time to continue this. My education, however, gets top priority, as does his.

Thank you so much for the supportive comments, however, you are giving me motivation to continue.

[Arat-Falathion]

Excellent work! If you have the time to finish the huuuuuuuuuge work, I'd happily read it!

[IronParrot]

Now this is a most ambitious project! The word choice is very readable, and though I haven't tried vocalizing each and every line, your rhythm seems to be very consistent. There isn't anything that strikes me as peculiarly awkward.

The three-line stanzas seemed out of whack at first but then you used the break in form very effectively, setting up an expectation for a fourth line and literally silencing it, as in "and thus the music ceased" and "But not a word he spoke."

Very refined work. You said you'd spent several months on it? I think the patience is paying off in spades. Take your time with this.

[Percy Weasley]

My friend and I began work on this in late February or early March, I believe. Each four line stanza has been known to undergo as many as six rewrites and up to fourteen hours of pedantic revisions. We are both perfectionists with poetry, and have a deep enough love of Tolkien's work to desire to do our best in representing it faithfully, both in content and style.

I appreciate the comments of all who have posted, and I will keep you up to date when additional stanzas are composed.

Peace,
~Percy

[IronParrot]

The effort shows. It really has that certain polish to it that distinguishes refined, lyrical poetry from smatterings of rhyming couplets.

[Lizra]

I love it! I'm ready! What do you need?