The Jokes Thread

[Aragorn]

This thread is for jokes only.

The INS, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

First, the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Next, the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Finally, the INS goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.'

[Aragorn]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were one there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by Aragorn

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were one there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Oh that is mean!

[jellyfishannah]

56 B.C. and All That

The following was compiled by Richard Lederer, who teaches English at St. Paul's School and is the author of Anguished English, from which this piece is excerpted. Mr. Lederer says "It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eigth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot."

**** Beginning of Article ****

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles apppears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in any one place for very long. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removeable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper. The greatest writer of the Renassance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over everytime he sees his mother. In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking hism manhood. The clown in As You Like It is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinto, and the Sante Fe.

Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all of this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricy and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Beethovan wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethovan expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapaulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[Earniel]

Oh, those are good.

[me9996]

Those are so funny!!! I litterly laughed out load (Sorta) at times

[Aragorn]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Aragorn]

The Godfather and his attourney go to his accountants office. The Godfather asks the accountant.

"Where's the money you embezzled(sp?) from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer and the attourney says.

"He's a deaf mute. I'll sign for him."

The attourney signs the question. The accountain signs back saying.

<I don't know what you're talking about.>

The attourney repeats what the accountaint signed. The Godfather takes out his pistol and aims it at the accountant's head and says again.

"Where's the ****ing money?!"

The attourney signs the question again and the accountain signs back.

<Alright, alright, it's in a suitcase behind my shed in my backyard! Don't shoot me, please!>

The attourney turns to The Godfather and says.

"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Sister Golden Hair]

There were two babies laying in their cribs in the hospital nursery. The one baby says to the other, "Are you a boy baby or a girl baby?" The other baby answers,"I don't know." Then the first baby says,"I'm a boy baby." The other baby says, "How do you know you're a boy baby?" The first baby throw back the blanket and points saying "Look down there. Blue booties."

[galadriel88]

*I hope this isn't offensive to any blondes out there, but I'm a blonde too and I don't care. They're still funny. *

Two blondes were driving to Disneyworld. They saw a giant billboard that said: "Disneyworld: Left." So they turned around and went home.

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were about to be shot to death. First it was the redhead's turn. The man said, "Do you have any last words?" The girl said,"Tornado!" Everyone looked away and she escaped. Then it was the brunette's turn. When asked if she had any last words, she said, "Hurricane!" Everyone looked away and she escaped. Finally, it was the blonde's turn. The man said, "Do you have any last words?" The blonde goes, "Fire!"

A blonde walked into an electronics store. She walked up to the counter and said, "I'd like to buy that T.V. in the window." the man replied, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." Mad, she walks out of the store. the next day she comes back wearing a redhead wig and repeats her request. Again the man tells her that they do not sell to blondes. The day after that, she comes back, this time wearing a brunette wig, repeats her request, and is told that they do not sell to blondes. Finally, she takes off her wig and says, "I give up. How did you know I'm a blonde?" "Simple," says the man. "that's not a T.V., it's a microwave."

[Sister Golden Hair]

A man walks into a store and asks the cashier if he has any gwapes

he says no

the guy says ok and leaves

he comes back the next day and says got any gwapes?

the cashier says no, I don't have any grapes

so the guy leaves and he comes back the next day and ask do you have any gwapes?

he says no and if you ask me again, I'm gonna nail you to the floor.

guy leaves and comes back the next day and ask,
do you have any nails?

Cashier says no

he says good, got any gwapes?

[fireworks19]

I heard that one, but it was a duck....=)

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

[klatukatt]

Originally Posted by fireworks19

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Are you from Seattle? Me too.

I have a better version from a Boeing employee.
~~~

A man in a hot air balloon is lost. He spots someone in a field and floats down to him.
"Excuse me!" says the man in the balloon, "Could you tell me where I am?"
The man on the ground replies "You're in a hot air balloon about 20ft off the ground."
"You must be an engineer," said the man in the balloon.
"How did you know that?"
"Because you gave me a 100% correct answer that is completly useless."
"You must be a manager," said the man on the ground.
"How did you know that?"
"You came to me with a problem, I gave you an answer. You're right back where you started but now somehow it's MY fault."

~~~
I like that one better.

[hectorberlioz]

Whatever happened to that Seatle Mooters Convention?

[klatukatt]

It died.

Why was the monkey in the tree?
Cuz it was DEAD!
Why was the FISH in the tree?
Cuz it was STAPLED to the MONKEY!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

...

that used to be really funny...

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by klatukatt

...

that used to be really funny...

I can tell...

[Beren3000]

Originally Posted by Curubethion

That's hilarious! That punchline was priceless...

I know; I love it too!

Originally Posted by klatukatt

that used to be really funny...

It still is!

Originally Posted by klatukatt

Dang, all my jokes are rated-R or are only funny if you say them.

Here's a joke for you if you like R-Rated ones (hope the mods let it slide )

Three men were bragging about their virility: a Catholic, a Jew and a Mormon (Mormon is a Christian sect that allows polygamy). So the Catholic goes: " I have 5 children: one more and I'd have a basketball team."
So the Jew goes: "That's nothing! I have 10 children: one more and I'd have a soccer team."
The Mormon laughs and says: "You guys are clueless! I have 17 wives: one more and I'd have

a golf course!

[fireworks19]

Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the V.A.
He soon received this reply from the V.A.: "We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.: "Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles--almost as careful as the V.A.--took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.
f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title to that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question."

[athelas]

Here's another of those really stupid blonde jokes: (sorry...no offence meant, all u blondes out there...)

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Stupid, I know. But I just can't help reading these sometimes.

[emplynx]

A warning on a bottle of Rosie Gamgee's fertility pills,
"Caution-May be hobbit forming."