The Jokes Thread

[Jesus Freak]

hey hereis a good joke just go to this site: http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?efisherjr

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

Originally posted by Coney
Don't know if this one will break the pg-13 rules, so I've stuck it under spoilers until an admin can give their judgement

No peekin' kids

[

now thats my kind of joke

[Baby-K]

A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas
to get married. Before getting there, the girl says
to the guy that she has a confession to make;
the reason that they have not been intimate is
because she is very flat chested. If the guy
wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while and said he
does not mind she is flat because sex is not the
most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turns to the
girl and says that he also wanted to make a
confession. He said that below his waist, he's
built just like a baby. If the girl wanted to cancel
the wedding, it is okay with him. The girl thought
about it for a while and said that she does not
mind, because she also believed there are other
things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were so honest with
each other and continue to Las Vegas where they
were married. In their motel on the wedding night,
the girl took off her clothes... sure enough, she is
as flat as a washboard. Then, finally, the guy takes
off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked
body, the girl fainted dead away and fell to the floor.

After she regained her senses, the guy asked;
"What's the matter, I told you before we got married;
why did you faint?"

The girl replied, " You told me it was just like a baby."

The guy responded; " Yes, that's right: 8 pounds
and 21 inches!"

[Baby-K]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body
and licking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger. Now learn to pay
attention."

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

Originally posted by Baby-K
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body
and licking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger. Now learn to pay
attention."

hmmmmmmm

[Linaewen]

OMI! Hilarious, K! Bwahahaha! *wishes she had a joke to share*

Oh, oh. I got a really lame one:

Whats red and looks like a bucket?

[Jonathan]

Originally posted by Linaewen
OMI! Hilarious, K! Bwahahaha! *wishes she had a joke to share*

Oh, oh. I got a really lame one:

Whats red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket! Or a blue bucket in disguise.

[Linaewen]

Damnit! You weren't supposed to mesh the two answers together! Now, it's not as stupid (hence not as funny for me) as it should have been. Ah well. (Wow, the same stupid jokes in Aus and Sweden. Yay! My "humour" will be appreciated in my future country!)

BTW: Jonathan, help me add to the Frodo vs. Sam List in the Most Impressive Male thread.

[Jonathan]

Another joke from "down under":

What's the name of the evil half-elf who wants me to help her with the Frodo vs. Sam list?

Damn, this joke wasn't funny at all

[Linaewen]

Oh.. if only I knew the answer. *sigh*

Who's the Viking whose got
a) Has a very popular site dedicated to his range of thongs
b) has an Elven boyfriend, who also has 3 wives
??

[Baby-K]

Two nuns are walking in a really bad part of town when two thugs jump from behind a dumpster & rape them. The first nun screams to the heavens "Forgive him Father, for he knows not what he does", the other nun turns to her & says "Shhhhhhh, this one does know what he's doing!"

When the ordeal is over they carry on their way when nun # 2 turns to # 1 & asks, "How are we gonna explain to Mother Superior that we got raped twice?" # 1 "Twice?", # 2 "Yeah well, we're coming back the same way aren't we?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father John is taking confessions from the nuns of St Francis.

Nun # 1: Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have been having impure thoughts about a man...

Father John: You are forgiven, go & take a drink from the holy water.

(at this point the third nun in the row starts giggling)

Nun # 2: Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have been having impure thoughts about a man...

Father John: You are forgiven, go & take a drink from the holy water.


(now the third nun is laughing herself silly)

Nun # 3: Forgive me father for I have sinned, I pissed in the holy water....

[Insidious Rex]

ah nun jokes is it....

ok i checked with my sources and the wording on this would fit into a PG-13 movie so here goes....

In order to save money, the Church decided to house nuns and priests in the same building. To avoid confusion, each group had times that they could use the shared showers. One morning, Two priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are all ready in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, so he checks out the hallway. There's no one around, so rather than get dressed, he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All Clear. So he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking toward him. With no where to go, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap, hoping the nuns will think he's a statue. The nuns approach. "Oh My, look at that. Isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weeny. Startled, he drops the 1st bar of soap. "Oh heaven's." she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap." The second nun, amazed at how realistic the statue looks, steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of the priest's weeny and he drops the other bar of soap. "My Goodness. I got a bar of soap too." The nun's can't believe it. The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weeny but gets nothing. Undaunted she tries again. But still nothing. Eventually the first two nuns grow bored and start on their way but the third one continues in hope of getting some soap. After a while the third nun comes runnng up to the first two with her hands outstretched and says "SISTER MARY! SISTER CATHERINE! Look! I got hand soap!"

*if you dont get it dont ask*

[Jesus Freak]

sick

[Artanis]

fun

[Jonathan]

I read in an article a few years ago about how different jokes can be in different continents.

For example, there was this Australian joke (which I can't remember correctly, but it was something like this):
- Why do the Americans buy beer in cans?
- Because they don't want people to believe that the beer is urine!

I don't find this joke funny at all, but the Australians seem to think that whenever someone makes fun of the Americans, it's funny.

In the same article, there was a Jewish joke:
A Jewish mother runs down the street screeming:
"Help, help! My sons, the lawyer and the doctor, is about to drown!"

To understand the fun in this joke, it's necessary to know that Jewish mothers are famous for always wanting to be proud of their sons. The mother in this joke is very eager to let people know that her sons are a lawyer and a doctor, even though they are about to die.

Then there was a joke from the deep jungles of Africa (which I don't fully remember, but I'll try to retell it):
- Hey, have you seen my wife?
- No, because she's an ugly, disgusting, horrible cow.

Now, I couldn't understand at all why this joke is considered funny. The article explained that the people who made this joke think that there are no things that are worse than an ugly, disgusting, horrible cow, and to be calling someone's wife by that 'name' is very funny indeed.

The last thing I remember from the article, is that European and American jokes tend to be very similar. We laugh at the same things in Europe and America (probably in Australia too, but I can't understand that "American beer" joke )

[Insidious Rex]

Originally posted by Jonathan
For example, there was this Australian joke (which I can't remember correctly, but it was something like this):
- Why do the Americans buy beer in cans?
- Because they don't want people to believe that the beer is urine!

well american beer may be like piss water but australian beer certainly isnt any better. ever had fosters?

reminds me of a joke though....

why is drinking budweiser (or fosters) like having sex in a canoe? Because its f*cking close to water....

[Artanis]

+15 C / 59 F
This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Norvegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10 C / 50 F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Norvegians plant flowers in their gardens.

+5 C / 41 F
Italian cars won't start.
The Norvegians are cruising in cabriolets.

0 C / 32 F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.

-5 C / 23 F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Norvegians have their final barbecue before winter.

-10 C / 14 F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Norvegians start using long sleeves.

-20 C / -4 F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Norvegians end their Midsummer celebrations.
Autumn is here.

-30 C / -22 F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face
of the earth.
The Norvegians start drying their laundry indoors.

-40 C / -40 F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Norvegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50 C / -58 F >
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Norvegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-70 C / -94 F
The false Santa moves south.
The Norvegian army goes out on winter survival training.

-183 C / -297.4 F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Norvegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273 C / -459.4 F
ALL atom-based movent halts.
The Norvegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."

-300 C / -508 F
Hell freezes over, Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

[Jonathan]

Haha!
Artanis, I've heard the same joke in many forms. In one version, where hell freezes over, it's the Finns who win the World Championship in fotball (soccer). But I liked the Norwegian version more

Faen!

[Insidious Rex]

*laugh* so norway is the only place in the universe where it gets colder then absolute zero eh.

[Coney]

Originally posted by Baby-K
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body
and licking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger. Now learn to pay
attention."

To continue the nun theme.....

Two Nuns are in the bath
One smiles at the other and says "Wears the soap"
The other nun says "It certainly does!"



If ya need to think about it.......yer too young