Lyrd Of The Ryngs - The Homies

[Grey_Wolf]

The first part of their journey was hard and dreary and Frodo remembered little of it, save the wind. For many sunless days an icy blast came from the Mountains in the east and although they've been issued North Face Strider Acclimate Jackets, the searching fingers of the wind seemed to find it's way in and the Homies never felt really warm, either moving or resting.

They slept uneasily during the middle of the day, in some hollow of the land, or hidden under the tangled thorn-brushes that grew in thickets in many places. In the late afternoon they were awakened by the watch (since they also had been issued DW9051B-1V GShock Classic Style Watches with a Glow-button to enable them to check time during the dusky hours), and took their chief meal, which were Meals-Ready-To-Eat and not particularly cheerful to take in since they couldn't often light a fire. In the evening they went on again, as nearly southward as they could find a way.

At first it seemed to the hobbits that although they walked and stumbled until they were weary, they were creeping forward like snails, and getting nowhere. Each day the land looked pretty much the same as it did the day before. Yet steadily the mountains were drawing nearer. South of Rivendell they rose ever higher and bent westwards; and about the feet of the main range there was tumbled an ever wider land of bleak hills, and deep valleys filled with turbulent waters. Paths were few and winding, and led often only to the edge of some sheer fall, or down into treacherous swamps.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

In his office at the law firm of Sauron, Morgoth and Khamul, Mr Sauron was busy sorting papers, when he decided to turn on his brand new Palantir (TM) television, and see what was on the news.

To his horror, he noticed that a group of hobbits had been travelling southward for a while, near the misty mountains, so he decided to send a nazgul biplane to drop ice cubes on them, to give the impression of snow.

'Now for a bit of mischief!' he said to himself, as he did so, telling his secretary Miss Heard to fetch him a coffee straight afterwards.

ooc: how's that?

[EarthBound]

While passing a peculiar outcrop of rock and stone, The Pip discovered a small 'echo' was in effect.

"Buurrrp!"

Gandalf glares at Pip, "If you must belch whenever you feel the need, Tiny Took, then do it correctly . . . more from the diaphragm, I should think."

Gandalf then stopped the company to soberly give them each Belching lessons incase there was ever "great need" of Intestinal gases . . . or if they got really bored.

Pip whispered to Merry, "Gandalf has been sober for almost two days, it’s just not right, I tell ya, not right at all. Not nearly the fun character he used to be . . .sigh….I wish I was sloppy drunk . . . BURP!”

After only a few hours they tired of burping at rocks to hear the reverberating echoes and continued on.

Sam looked at Frodo and said, "Never will I be amazed at Gandalf's wisdom . . . I bet he could teach me how to spit distance, too." Frodo nodded in agreement to Sam then looked admirably to Gandalf, grinned . . . then belched so hard a bit of vomit etched out the corner of his mouth.

Sam saw this bit of vomit and immediately took concern of his master, before becoming completely grossed out himself and retching on Merry.

Merry then started gagging while Pip wasted no time in barfing on Merry too, because it looked like so much fun when Sam did it.

Aragon’s stomach was made of stern stuff, but the éclair he’d eaten was not, as all observed following it’s recent upchuck.

Legolas grinned and saw this as an opportunity to show Elf-Superiority and demonstrated ‘Projectile Vomiting’.

Gimli, not to be outdone, vomited on Legolas's shoes, to prove accuracy the much more important attribute of retching.

The rest of the company followed suite with barfing and retching until they later become bored of this too and moved on. Little knowing that others could now follow such a well laid scent.

Well, really, they could be smelled all the way in Gondor, but everyone there thought it was another of Saruman’s Toga Parties “Gone Wild” and got really miffed they had not been invited.

[EarthBound]

Merry to Pip, "Hey is it snowing?" Merry looks up. "Naww, I think Gandalf has a bit of a dandraff issue . . . dry, itchy scalp, I'm think'n of lending him my shampoo."

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Mr Sauron, tired of the news, turns over the channel on his palantir-vision, and notices a new commercial
'Tired of dry, flaky scalp? hobbits always complaining about your snowstorm dandruff? get new Staff & Shoulders!'
oo! note to self, must get some of that for young gandalf!, he thinks to himslef

[EarthBound]

Sam to Frodo, “Uhm, I think we should have heeded that sign we saw posted on the fence we cut through. ‘Trespassers will be Shot! Survivors . . . will be shot again'"

A few more meters and the party came across another sign that read: “You really don’t get it do you?”

After that, another sign read: “What?! You're still trespassing?! That just burns my butt!” This seemed quite ominous

Then yet another: “Alrighty then, just stay right there, I’m coming to deal with you myself, you Git!”

Suddenly the group noticed that they could spy what appeared to be the Aurora Borealis, the great Northern Lights emanating from around the corner of the mountain they where trespassing across.

Carefully glancing around a large rock, they found Saruman levitating, floating among a blue-greenish gas full of colored lights and a foul song . . .

“Wait a tick!” Aragon exclaimed. “He’s Farting up a storm to try and drive us from the mountain!” A sudden explosion shooting from Saruman’s posterior pushed him even further into the stratosphere and expelled yet more lethal gases.

“Bloody effective, too, I’m outa here,” Frodo grimaced. The rest of the party then began to follow Frodo off the mountain.

“Hey! Wait! We can take him! Come on!” Aragon yells after the group from behind.

“Wonderfully good in a fight, that one, but what a nit,” remarked Gimli to Legalos who was nodding in affirmation.

At the bottom of the mountain Gimli turned to the others and said, "Hey, how about we take the subway? My uncle Bally minds the toll-booth and would give us a ripe good price."

"No Gimli, I would not take the subway for ANY price," remarked Gandalf, who then gazes into the distance . . . "Unless it involved free chilidogs and beer."

Gimili then said, "Aye, the chilidogs and beer are only a buck, but I bet if you would be willing to perform a few wart-removal spells for Uncle Bally the chilidogs could be bargained for . . ."

"To the subway!" Gandalf charges off, licking his lips and muttering about the nuances of beer.

[Grey_Wolf]

It was evening, and the grey light was again waning fast, when they halted for the night. They were very weary. The mountains were veiled in deeping dusk, and the wind was cold. Gandalf spared them a mouthful of Energy which he had been suplied with in Rivendell. When they had eaten some more MRE's, which apparatently had been the cause of the ease of womiting,
they held a council.

"We cannot, of course, go on again tonight." he said."The attack on the Redhorn Gate has tired ut us out and we must rest here a while. After that we'll go to the ancient Dwarf Subwaymuseum of Moria, which is still in function, for all I know. But there is a long way to go yet until we reach it."

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V
Book 2.4: Journey In the Dark

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

thinking ahead, Mr Sauron called his secretary
'Miss Heard?'
'Yes, sir?'
'Get Barry Rogg on the line would you?
minutes later the sound of flames and growling comes up the phone line
'Hi there Barry, i have a favour to ask, do you mind?'
'doom, doom, doom'
'Excellent, that wizard fella might want to pas through the subway system, can you delay him some how?'
'rooaaarrr'
'Wonderful! Leaves on the line, they'll never expect it! Have the ORC (Organized Railway Company) Union workers do something too!TTFN'
with that, Mr Sauron settled back into reviewing his diary next week
'Hmm, let me see, world domnation on tuesday, tea with mother on saturday, can i fit in a meeting with the manager of the Southron Easterling Inc company? guess i'll have to'

[Grey_Wolf]

"And then where are we to go?" asked Frodo.

"We still have our journey and our errand before us." answered Gandalf.
"We have no choice but to go on, or return to Rivendell."

Pippins face brightened visibly at the mere mention of return to Rivendell; Merry and Sam looked up hopefully. But Aragorn and Boromir made no sign.
Frodo looked troubled.

"I wish I was back there." he said."But how can I return without shame - unless there is indeed no other way, and we're already defeated."

"You're right, Frodo." said Gandalf."To go back is to admit defeat, and face worse defeat to come. If we go back now, then the Package must remain there: we shall never be able to set out again. Then sooner or later Rivendell will be besieged , and after a brief and bitter time it will be levelled to the ground. The Lawyers are deadly enemies, but they are only shadows yet of the power and terror they would possess if the Package came into the possesion of their master."

"Then we must go on, if there is a way." said Frodo with a sigh. Sam sank back into gloom.

"There is a way that me may attempt, as I mentioned." said Gandalf.
"I thought about it from the beginning when I first considered this journey, that we should try it. But it isn't a pleasant way and Aragorn was against it, until the pass over the mountains had at least been tried."

"If it's a worse way than the Redhorn Gate, then it must be evil indeed."
said Merry."But you have better brief us in full, and let me know the worst at once."

"As I mentioned before, the Dwarven Subway Museum of Moria, is the way that I propose we take." said Gandalf. Only Gimli lifted his head; a smouldering fire was in his eyes. On all others a dread fell at the rementioning of that name.

"The road may lead to Moria, but how can we hope that it will lead through it." said Aragorn darkly.

"It's a name of ill omen." said Boromir."Nor do I see the need to go there. If we cannot cross the mountains, let us journey southwards, until we we come to the Gap of Rohan, beyond which live the Rohirrim, a people friendly to Gondor, taking the road that I followed on my way here. Or we might pass by and cross the Bridges of Isen into Landstrand and Lebennin, and so come to Gondor from the regions nigh to the sea."

"Things have changed since you came north, Boromir." answered Gandalf.
"Didn't you hear what I told you about Saruman? With him I may have business dealings of my own ere this is over. But the Package must not come near Isengard, if that can by any means be prevented. The Gap of Rohan is closed to us while we go with the Carrier."

"As for the longer road; we cannot aford the time. We might spend a year in such a journey and we should pass through many lands that are empty and harbourless. Yet they wouldn't be safe. The Satellite-cameras of both Saruman and the Enemy is on them. When you came north, Boromir, you were in the enemy's view just a stray wanderer from the south and no matter of concern to him because his mind was busy with the pursuit of the Package.
But you return now a Homie of the Package and you are in peril as long as you remain with us. The danger will increase with every league that we go south under the naked sky."

[Grey_Wolf]

"Since our open attempt on the mountain-pass our plight has become more desperate, I fear. I see little hope, if we do not vanish from sight for a while and cover our trail. By taking this route I, at least, do not think that the Enemy will expect it."

"We do not know what he expects." said Boromir."He may watch all roads, unlikely and likely. In that case to enter Moria would be to walk into a trap, hardly better than knocking at the gates of the Dark Tower itself. The name of Moria is black."

"You speak of what you do not know, when you liken Moria to the Industrial Park of Sauron." answered Gandalf."I alone of you have been in the factories of that utter criminal and only at his smaller and older company's complex of Dol Guldur. Those who pass the doors of Barad-dûr do not return. But I would not lead you into Moria if there were no hope of coming out again. If there are orcs are, it may prove ill for us, that is true. But most of the Orcs of the Misty Mountains were destroyed in The Battle of Five Armies. The Scoutplanes of Elves report that Orcs are gathering again from afar; but there is hope that Moria is still free."

[Grey_Wolf]

"There is even a chance that Dwarves are there, and that in some Office of your forefathers, Balin, son of Fundin, may be found. However it may prove, one must tread the path that need chooses."

"I will go with you, Gandalf." said Gimli."I would gladly like to see the mighty works of my forefathers - whatever might await me there and if you remember the access code of the Doors."

"Very good, Gimli." said Gandalf."You encourage me. We will seek the hidden Doors together. And we'll come through. In the ruins of Dwarves, a dwarf's head might see things more clearly than others. And it isn't the first time I've passed through Moria. I did it once in search of Thráin, son of Thrór, after he was lost. I passed through and came out again alive."

"I too once passed the Dimrill Gate." said Aragorn, quietly.
"But though I also came out again, the memory is very evil. I do not wish to enter Moria a second time."

"I don't wish to enter it even once." said Pippin.

"Nor me." muttered Sam.

"Of course not! Who would?" said Gandalf."But the question is: Who will follow me if I lead you there?"

"I will." said Gimli eagerly.

"I will." said Aragorn heavily."You followed my lead and we couldn't pass the Redhorn Gate and you have not blamed me for it. I'll follow your lead now, but I will give this last warning, in hope of changing your mind. It's not the Package or the others I thinking of now. It is you, Gandalf. And I say to you:
If you pass the Doors of Moria, beware."

"I will not go." said Boromir."not unless everyone votes for Gandalf. What of the little folk and Legolas?"

"I do not wish to go to Moria." said Legolas.

The younger hobbits and Sam remained silent. Then Frodo spoke.
"I do not wish to go, but it this is the only way then I'll follow Gandalf. I trust his judgement in this. But I think votes will be easier gained by daylight and not in this cold and dusky environment. How the wind howls!"

At these words all fell into silent thought. They heard the wind hissing among the rocks and trees, and there was a howling a wailing round them in the empty spaces of the night.

[Nurvingiel]

OOC: ORC union... awesome Chrys!!

"What was that?" said Gimli, who had been telling Pippin about the famous hot dog vendors of the Moria subway lines.
"It was the Wigs," said Legolas, his face grim.
"The Wigs? Who could be scared of something with such a stupid name?" said Sam derisively. The eerie howling was heard again, and the most of the company looked afraid.

[EarthBound]

"Inform us soon about the Wigs, my friend hobbit, but for now we need to attention ourselves on passing the toll-gate."

The fellows began to examine the strange runes and symbols exhibited upon the toll-gate house.

"Gandalf! I've found some graffitii spray painted with luminous paint that I believe I can translate," exclaimed Frodo.

"Spiffy color, too," commented Gimli, ever helpful.

"Well, spit it out, must we wait upon your need to constantly "build suspense" for your constant declarations which only . . ."

"Ahem, Ok, we can discuss the individual aspects for "wind-bagging" later . . . Frodo what does it read?" asked Aragon.


"It's a riddle! What is elfish for "Saruman is a Geek - his panty’s always reek - he dresses like a girl - he makes me want to hurl!"

Gandalf looked at Merry and said, "I think the author of this ancient graffiti was trying to say that Saruman is a "Priss"."

Suddenly, upon the utterance of the word "Priss" by Gandalf in a clear annunciated voice, nothing happened. This happened almost immediately.

The fellowship glanced nervously at each other.

"Hmmmm, strange, that was eerily what one would have expected to happen," bemused Sam.

"Maybe you didn't say it loud enough?" asked Sam.

Gandalf looked at the gate and let forth with a commanding voice a string of variations upon the word 'priss'.

"Priss Prissy Prissinator Prissaze 'A real Prisser' Prissi Prisawanabingbang Prisatrophilas"

"Oh, give it a rest, will ya." Moaned Merry, who promptly got out several video arcade tokens and slyly paid for their entry through the gates.

"Now, if we get caught using the incorrect tokens we'll be done for, so not a word anyone," warned Merry.

"What do you think they'd do to us?" asked Pip.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Meanwhile, in the offices of the ORC Union, on the lowest level of the subway, Barry Rog is meeting with the shop steward, and it was like a great shadow, in the middle of which was a dark form, of man-shape maybe, yet greater; and a power and terror seemed to be in it and to go before it, which the ORC Steward quailed at the thought, both revering and fearing the Great Barry Rog (Bal Rog to his friends).

Balrog: they must be delayed at all costs, but do not antagonize the wizard
Orc: we will delay them, but only if they disturb us, such as dropping stones in the wells, or something like that
Balrog: Very well, doom, boom boom
Orc: now my brothers of the union will go back to mending the railway lines in the subways

[Grey_Wolf]

Meanwhile, as Gandalf tried to figure out the access code, Boromir turned towards the lake which waters covered the old highway from Hollin.

He picked up a stone and threw it far out into the lake.

Plopp! it went. Rings fanned out from where it disappeared.

"Why did you do that, Boromir?" asked Frodo.

"I don't like this lake, there's something ominous about it." answered Boromir.

"I don't like it much either."

Out in the deepest part of the Lake of the Gates The Watcher felt the precence of a number of strangers at the other end of the Lake. He moved closer to them, his many arms flowing behind him. (The Watcher was a genetically deformed monster from the early First Age. One of Morgoth's genetic experiments)

[EarthBound]

Suddenly, nothing happened. And it happened quickly. Then something did happen, but it happened slowly. A huge dark figure arose from the waters with many large appendages swinging towards the band of travelers.

Then the figure stepped into a well lit area in thanks to the Dwarves and their marvelous track-lighting they'd left behind.

"Really, the track-lighting is quite marvelous; don't you think so, Merry?" Asked Pip.

Merry gave a concerned look to Pip and answered, "No, sorry, I was a bit engrossed with the MONSTER attacking us from the water, you NIT!"

Then they both turned their attention to the ominous figure advancing upon them...

The creature . . . a genetic cross between a giant and a famous reggae singer. It’s long appendages swinging to and fro were nothing less than dreadlocks full of small stones, leaves, and lost forest animals.

"Oh, this is just sooo wrong," commented Pip.

The creature then spoke, “I say, good chap, any chance for some spare change for a wayward giant would you?”

“Uh, STAND BACK you vile creature from the deep or feel the wrath of my drill-thingy!” Warned Aragon.

“RRRRRRR-then you shall be forced to hear me sing my rendition of ‘Safety Dance’ done by a cult ‘80’s band.”

The creature then began to dance in a circle while singing in a ‘reggae-manner-voice’ –You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind . . . because if they won’t dance and if they can’t dance, well they’re no friends of mine . . . oh, you can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind. . . .”

The fellowship stumbled to their knees in agony holding their hands over their ears to no avail.

Then Leggy did some quick thinking and threw him all the change he had kept in his little elf purse. The giant then picked up the change and strolled off muttering about the nuances of beer in search of a nearby pub.

“Thank you Leggs!” Exclaimed Frodo. “Hey, where did you get that purse?” The purse was emerald green satin with cute little gold sequins and a fancy white bow clasp. The fellowship spent the next hour examining the qualities of each other purses then resumed the task at hand of gaining entrance to the subway . . . and finding the where-abouts of Gimli’s Uncle Bally, Toll-gate attendant and all around good guy by reputation.

[Nurvingiel]

The Homies dashed through the door, before the Watcher regained consciousness and started singing "Safety Dance" again. Indoors, the track lighting seemed to be malfunctioning.
"That's odd," said Gimli, "Lights are always in perfect order here. And usually there's a hot dog vendor who parks his cart right here and serves the best chili dog this side of Mirkwood."
"I'd still like to know how we escaped the Wigs," said Frodo, dripping wet and looking distinctly ticked off.
"Clean lift Frodo," said Gandalf. "Sometimes these things happen."
"I'm still not sure we should be doing this," said Boromir.
"I have to admit I'm apprehensive as well. Last time I was hear they played Musak for the entire subway trip," said Aragorn.
"Balin would never play Musak," Gimli said, slightly offended. "Hey, what's this?" He took down a notice from the wall. "Hm... I can't read it, it's too dark in here." Only the evening light from behind them penetrated the gloom.
"Here, let me see," said Legolas, taking the note. "Notice from the Organized Railway Company Union: The meeting about refurbishing the break-room will be..." he started reading, but was rudely interrupted by Gandalf.
"Organized Railway Company! We must flee at once!"
Just then, the Watcher rose from the water, sporting several painful-looking welts on its face. "'Safety Dance' is an eighties cult classic you cretins! Go listen to Britney Spears!!" And with that, it slammed the doors shut so hard that they shattered, before the Homies could do anything. They could hear the Watcher ripping up the shrubberies and ornamental trees that surrounded the doors. They were trapped - the enterance was now a very solid pile of rubble.
The Homies waited in the pitch dark, in fear that 'Hit me baby one more time' would start playing over the intercom. But all was eerily silent. "The only way out is the other side," said Gandalf, pressing a button on his staff that illuminated the end.


OOC: I happen to like "Safety Dance" EarthBound!

OOC2: I think just saying it was a clean lift is kind of funny eh guys? And it makes sense in the slightly silly context of our story.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

The ORC Steward turned to the CCTV system, and noticed gandalf and the others, with ganalf's light bobbing away like a will o' the wisp
ooc: trying to get a few book lines in
ic: excuse me Mr Rog, he said
doom doom!! replied Barry Rog (thats just about all he says)
those people have arrived, should we waylay them, and make them pay a phenomenally high toll for passage to the bridge?
roarr! doom! came the reply
ooc: if u dont speak balrog, you will have to wait and see whether barry rog accepted that proposal or not

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

The Homies were cautiosly walking around trying to find each other in the dark. Suddenly there came a loud click from the wall and a light appeared at the end of Gandalf's staff.
"I will lead you through Moria," said Gandalf. "Follow my light." As he walked away from the wall the light went off and Aragorn voice sounded form the grumblings.
"Gandalf! Your staff is the plug-in edition? A great help that will be."
"Not just the plug-in edition," Gandalf replied as the light came back on. "It takes double A batteries to!"

[EarthBound]

The Homies trekked through the darkness in somber silence. Except for Pip, who kept trying to hold everyone's hand and sing 'Dancing in the Dark'. It was very irritating.

While climbing up a long and forbidden stair of stone Legalos easily passed up Gimli and managed to send him a smug grin while doing it.

"Ohhh, look at fancy pants, what a nit!" Growled the Dwarf.

Leggy stopped to glare at his short bearded friend. "If you spent as much time running your legs as you did running that mouth of yours we'd make better time."

The angry dwarf began to reach into his jacket pocket, "Listen Keebler, one more word from you ....."

"Stop it you two! We don't have any time for this!" Chastised Aragorn.

Merry turns to Aragorn. "But I thought that we were ahead of schedule . . . what, with the 'clean lift' and all."