The Jokes Thread

[Beren3000]

Originally Posted by hectorberlioz

I love stupid jokes, they're so hilarious because they're so stupid

I will make you regret saying this (although I believe in it!)

A guy is talking to his psychiatrist:
-Doctor, sometimes I think I'm a teepee, other times I think I'm a wigwam.
-You're just too tense.
(If you don't get it say it out loud)

Q: Where does the king keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies!


Two guys walk into a bar: one ducks while the other is knocked on his back.





Good day to you

[Spock]

Thanks for those--I needed an early morning laugh.

[rohirrim TR]

Originally Posted by Beren3000

Two guys walk into a bar: one ducks while the other is knocked on his back.





Good day to you

you kind of butchered that one it actually goes: "two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."

[Gwaimir Windgem]

No, it ACTUALLY goes: "Two guys walked into a bar; you'd think the second one would duck."

But seriously, I imagine those are all just different versions of the same joke. If one is the original, I highly doubt any of us will ever know it.

[Earniel]

You know, I never ever realised just what was the joke in that until a minute ago...

[rohirrim TR]

Originally Posted by Gwaimir Windgem

No, it ACTUALLY goes: "Two guys walked into a bar; you'd think the second one would duck."

But seriously, I imagine those are all just different versions of the same joke. If one is the original, I highly doubt any of us will ever know it.

Ahh good point I suppose we could endlessly go on correcting each other but what would be the point except to prove that we're shameless spammers.

[Beren3000]

Originally Posted by Spock

Thanks for those--I needed an early morning laugh.

My pleasure, sir!

Here's some more corny jokes:

Two birds fly into a bar. The bar tender asks: "How may I help you?"
The birds go: "We just want to wet our beaks!"

Two donuts were in an oven when one goes:
"Is it just me or is it really hot in here?"
The other one goes: "Holy sh**! A talking donut!"

Q: How do you put 2 elephants in a bottle without them touching?
A: Put a third one between them.

[Curubethion]

*chuckles* I loved the donut one.

Here's one I picked up off of another website...

It was about 7:00 or 8:00 PM on Halloween night. There's two fifth-graders there, who have chosen the church cemetary as an ideal spot for conducting some very important business: sorting out their enormous cache of candy and dividing it fairly. So, they begin to divide it: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." Unfortunately, a few pecans (picked up from a slightly eccentric neighbor), roll away from them, and wind up by the fence of the cemetary. Not willing to stop, however, the boys continue counting the candy that they do have. "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

A little eight year-old boy, just back from his trick-or-treating, is walking back home when he hears the noise coming from the cemetary. At first, he hides behind a tree, but then slowly creeps forward, closer to the cemetary. And then he hears the boys counting: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." And with that, the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight up, and he turns tail and runs faster than greased lightning, away from the cemetary.

Still running away, he runs into an old man. The fellow stops him, and asks, "Why, young feller, what's the matter there? You don't need to be rushing around this here time of night."

Breathless, the boy blurts out, "In the cemetary, I heard it! It's God and the Devil, dividing up souls! Come-listen!"

"Are you crazy, you whippersnapper!"

"Yes-I mean, no! Come with me-"

Rolling his eyes, the old man reluctantly agrees to follow the poor kid back to the cemetary. As they approach, the noise from the tombstones grows louder: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me..."

"You're right," whispers the old man. "Now what to do?"

And that's when one of the two voices stops. "All right, we're done. Now let's get those nuts by the fence."

The old man and the boy didn't stop running for ten minutes.

[Beren3000]

Originally Posted by Curubethion

Here's one I picked up off of another website...

Good one!

Here's a similar one:

A married couple from Chicago decided to spend their summer vacation in Florida. But the woman was on a business trip somewhere so the plan was that the man was gonna go to Florida, make reservations at a hotel and meet up with his wife there. So he goes to Florida, checks into a hotel and everything is fine; except the weather is too hot for his liking. Then he decides to e-mail his wife telling her about his status. Unfortunately he couldn't find the strip of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, so he decided to write it from memory. He forgot one letter and the message ended up being sent to a recently widowed woman. That woman read the message and dropped down dead. Her kids rushed to the computer room and found this on the screen:

Dearest wife,
I just checked in today, and I am waiting for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Husband.
P.S. It's really hot in here!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Originally Posted by Eärniel

You know, I never ever realised just what was the joke in that until a minute ago...

We love ya anyway, dear.

I liked (and knew) the donut, the nuts, and the widow.

[Curubethion]

Originally Posted by Beren3000

Here's a similar one:

That's hilarious! That punchline was priceless...

[Spock]

Things to make you stop and think

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Actually, poly- is Greek.

[Curubethion]

Yes, I've seen those before...and very good!

[klatukatt]

Dang, all my jokes are rated-R or are only funny if you say them.

Lessee, clean joke, clean joke.... okay.

~~~

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Pig fell inna mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Took a bath.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Took a bath with another pig.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
They were married.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
To other pigs.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
They were siblings.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
That just made it worse.

Want me to keep going?

[klatukatt]

Originally Posted by fireworks19

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Are you from Seattle? Me too.

I have a better version from a Boeing employee.
~~~

A man in a hot air balloon is lost. He spots someone in a field and floats down to him.
"Excuse me!" says the man in the balloon, "Could you tell me where I am?"
The man on the ground replies "You're in a hot air balloon about 20ft off the ground."
"You must be an engineer," said the man in the balloon.
"How did you know that?"
"Because you gave me a 100% correct answer that is completly useless."
"You must be a manager," said the man on the ground.
"How did you know that?"
"You came to me with a problem, I gave you an answer. You're right back where you started but now somehow it's MY fault."

~~~
I like that one better.

[hectorberlioz]

Whatever happened to that Seatle Mooters Convention?

[klatukatt]

It died.

Why was the monkey in the tree?
Cuz it was DEAD!
Why was the FISH in the tree?
Cuz it was STAPLED to the MONKEY!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

...

that used to be really funny...

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by klatukatt

...

that used to be really funny...

I can tell...

[Beren3000]

Originally Posted by Curubethion

That's hilarious! That punchline was priceless...

I know; I love it too!

Originally Posted by klatukatt

that used to be really funny...

It still is!

Originally Posted by klatukatt

Dang, all my jokes are rated-R or are only funny if you say them.

Here's a joke for you if you like R-Rated ones (hope the mods let it slide )

Three men were bragging about their virility: a Catholic, a Jew and a Mormon (Mormon is a Christian sect that allows polygamy). So the Catholic goes: " I have 5 children: one more and I'd have a basketball team."
So the Jew goes: "That's nothing! I have 10 children: one more and I'd have a soccer team."
The Mormon laughs and says: "You guys are clueless! I have 17 wives: one more and I'd have

a golf course!