Lyrd Of The Ryngs - The Homies

[Grey_Wolf]

"By Jove, the Lawyers cometh with their subpeonas." cried the terrified guards."Gandalf, stop slurping coke and come down here, we need your aid!"

Gandalf rushed down from the Tower, jumped on to his Chopper, drove out to confront the approaching Head Lawyer.

[Acalewia]

Meanwhile, Denethor sat with Faramir, mourning at how awful of a father he was to him. He heard the Lawyers in the distance.
"Rohan has failed us!" He cried. "I will not allow those Black Lawyers in their Black Hawks to take my son from me. We will burn, Faramir and I together, as the kings of old. We shall die before Gondor falls!" Pippen blanched.
"No! Wait for Gandalf! Gandalf will heal him!" Denothor ordered Faramir and lots of lighter fluied and lighters taken to Mindolluin.
"We shall burn as the heathen kings of old" he then threw Pippen out. The Hobbit ran to get Gandalf. Passing Beregond he said "Let no one pass until the White Wizard arrives!"

[Grey_Wolf]

As Gandalf exits the Gates on his Chopper, The Head Lawyer lands his Black Hawk a short distance away, opens the doors and exits and approach the Gates, waving a magical subpeona, where The White Wizard stands.

"Don't you even try waving that flimsy piece of paper at me and believe that it will grant you entrance to the City." Gandalf says, sitting on his Chopper, just outside the Gates.

"Begone, old man, your powers is no match for the Legal might of Minas Morgul." hissed the Head Lawyer.

"You cannot enter." was Gandalf rejoinder."My white might is greater than thou could ever imagine. Get thee back to thy master or thy doom you will meet."

[EarthBound]

The Head Lawyer throws down the subpoena and swings his briefcase at Gandalf citing case law...Gandalf quickly tears up the road with his chopper and cuts a 'cookie' around the Head Lawyer and tosses (for no particular reason other than convenience) two hens and a lame rooster at the attorney's head. Unfortunately the lawyer blocked the before mentioned chickens with his 'Briefcase of Power & Malice'...and began to cite case law anew!

"Consider the case of Garner v Burr [1951] 1 KB 31. The legislature had made it an offence to use a ‘vehicle’ on a road without pneumatic tires. Lawrence Burr fitted iron wheels to his chicken coop, and pulled it down the road behind his tractor. Burr was prosecuted under the statute. The magistrates acquitted him, apparently on the ground that a chicken coop is not a ‘vehicle’. The appeal court reversed that decision. The Lord Chief Justice wrote,

The regulations are designed for a variety of reasons, among them the protection of road surfaces; and, as this vehicle had ordinary iron tires, not pneumatic tires, it was liable to damage the roads. [The magistrates] have put what is in my opinion too narrow an interpretation on the word ‘vehicle’ for the purposes of this Act. It is true that, according to the dictionary definition, a ‘vehicle’ is primarily to be regarded as a means of conveyance provided with wheels or runners and used for the carriage of persons or goods. It is true that the [magistrates] do not find that anything was carried in the vehicle at the time; but I think that the Act is clearly aimed at anything which will run on wheels which is being drawn by a tractor or another motor vehicle. Accordingly, an offence was committed here . It follows that [the magistrates] ought to have found that this poultry shed was a vehicle within the meaning of s. 1 of the Road Traffic Act of 1930. ([1951] 1 KB 31 at 33) .....this clearly sets precedent to hold and press for quick prosecution one Gandalf the White Wizard...Chopper owner and Chicken Thrower. "

Gandalf threw another Chicken which managed to ‘cream’ the Head Lawyer’s ‘Briefcase of Power & Malice’ with…errrr, chicken butt cream upon its collision, (very icky stuff). The Head Lawyer immediately hailed a black hawk chopper and withdrew to re-organize for the White Towers eventual ‘Down Sizing’ and ‘Re-management Plan’…

[Grey_Wolf]

At that moment Pippin rushed out to tell Gandalf of the impending burning alive of Faramir at the hands of his father. Gandalf roared off up the curving road with the hobbit in front of him on the petroltank.

[Acalewia]

Upon arriving at Mindolluin, Gandalf and Pip find that Beregond has slain an attendent at the front door.
"No body passes!" he said.
"You in deep, ahhh.... you know," Gandalf said. He then preceded to knock down the doors with his chopper. Denothor had already started the fire!
"O no you don't, you coward!" Pippen grabbed a fire exstingusher and a fire blanket and put out the fire, wrapping the blanket around Faramir.
"No! No! No!" Denother cried before seting himself on fire and jumping of the highest tower.
"Thus passes Denothor, Cheif Archetect of Gondor." He turned to the others. "Don't just stand there! Get him outta here!"

[Butterbeer]

somewhat earlier ...

At that moment Pippin rushed out to tell Gandalf of the impending burning alive of Faramir at the hands of his father. Gandalf roared off up the curving road with the hobbit in front of him on the petroltank.

"what the hell would your father, Master Took want to come all the way down here and burn faramir for???" said gandalf, perplexed and revving up the chopper ... "look" said gandalf ... pointing to the power gauge ... "this chopper goes up to 11!" he said proudly - careering round corners, whipping up dust clouds on his non-pneumatic tires and lobbing clucking chickens with merry abandon ....

not quite so earlier ...

Indeed denethor set himself on fire ... but he had to sprint the 100 metre dash to reach the tower .... to the refrains of 'chariots of fire' ... he should have won a medal for that race!

(tribute to Chrys!)

not so earlier, in fact a tiny bit after earlier ... but still much before very much later ...

"Roast chicken for tea tonight i think" said gandalf lighting his pipe on what was left of denethor's smouldering running boots ...

[Grey_Wolf]

Meanwhile, down on the field, the Rohirrim Armoured Cavalry Regiments arrived in masterful roar with Theoden in his humwee leading his troops, honking their horns and shouting at the top of their lungs in the brought-along loudspeakers.

[Butterbeer]

"This is Convoy rubber-ducky chief, with my pedal to the metal" drawled Theoden into the comms, avoiding the big furry pink dice and pulling the large rohirim biker air-Horn...


all down the crazy rohirrim biker and trucker convoy, horns, beeps, blasts and the odd wierd "cuckoo" noises rang out ...

"yeeehaaaw!" shouted Eomer excitedly, waving his cowboy hat wildly out of his heavily armed hummer's window

"rolling!, rolling!, rolling!" sang out dernhelm ...

The noises, honkey-tonks and blasts from the rohhirim bikers was heard even in the City, even as dawn broke at last, Pippin heard the call of the bikers and thought his heart would burst with joy ....

never in later life was he able to go near to a truckers cafe and hear the honkeys and tonks and the "yeehaws" and truck air-horn blasts without a tear coming to his eye ...

[Grey_Wolf]

After being scared away by the White Wizard and on seeing the field free from interfering busybodies, except for a whole army of armoured vehicles and bikes which had appeared from the hills, the black hawk helo carrying the Head Lawyer once again descended to a landing-zone near the Gates.

[Acalewia]

Merry and Dernhelm wooped and hollered with the best of them. Theoden rode back and forth, honking his horn, causing more "yeehaws" and "cuckoos" and horn blasts. He took his place in front of of his mighty convoy of bikers and truckers.
"Ride, Bikers of Rohan! Ride to glory and to Death and to good beer!" As they charged they began to sing

I sattle up my horse and I ride into the city
Makin lots of noise cause the girls are oh so pretty
Ridin up and down Broadway on my ol' stud, Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy!
Save a horse, ride a cowboy!

Along with more of Eomer's "yeeehaaaaw!"

[Grey_Wolf]

As the Head Lawyer's Black Hawk was hit by a surface-to-air missile it fell the last few feet onto the ground and as Theoden's humwe approached the crash site the Head Lawyer exited the damaged craft, leaving his dead pilots behind.

[Grey_Wolf]

After he had exited his humvee, Theoden confronted the Head Lawyer raising his M-16 combat rifle, the laser-sight's red point of brilliance shining on the front of the Lawyer's black two-piece suit.

"You're not entering this city any time soon. In fact, never, so it would best for you to walk back to your foul Master."

[Butterbeer]

The evil chief lawyer, quick as lightning brought out his multi feathered indian headdress, mounted foppishly above his lawyer's traditional wig ...

twirling his evilly long pencil moutsache, he began a ritualistic Red indian war dance....

from up in the citadel of architects came the cry "heh, it's the village people!"

great bells began ringing in joy... the entertainment had arrived at last!

but nay, the evil lawyer had other plans...

"do not come before the Law and it's writs, pale face!" began the Lawyer swinging his mighty ink pen of doom, ready to cross some T's and add some fateful mystical dots ....

"Not by the hand of a Cowboy or Convoy chief am i fated to be killed ..." he began - before stopping in amazement as Theoden, his dancin' boots on and not to be outdone by the indian war dance, leaped into the best goddamn morris dancin' seen this side of the silverado ...

[Grey_Wolf]

The two of them circled each other in whirling dance moves, not noticing the young Slim yellow leatherclad Biker approaching with a follower of small stature in tow who held a Swiss Army knife .

[Grey_Wolf]

Suddenly Theoden tripped and the Head Lawyer cut him with his magical subpeona.

At that moment Eowyn stepped forward to protect the General."Try what ye will, I will hinder it if I may."

"Who are you to come between me, the Head Lawyer, and his prey?" hissed the Head Lawyer."I will take you into court and send you to the dark factories of Mordor for Life. There you will find a new definition of suffering at the hands of my Master's minions. Now, step back for no living man may hinder me!"

[Grey_Wolf]

As the Biker drew the Samurai at his side, it rang in the air.
And the Biker laughed, a clear sound in all that darkness.
"But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Eowyn, am I, Eomund's daughter. You stand between me and my General and kin. Begone if you be not deathless. I will smite you it you touch him."

[Grey_Wolf]

Merry had crawled close to where the Head Lawyer stood and at an opportune moment stabbed him in the calf while Eowyn shoved her Samurai into the empty space where his face should have been.

A long and loud scream came from that invisible face and the suit fell empty to the ground.

So the ancient prophesy came true.

[Grey_Wolf]

Eowyn fell to the ground in a swoon the samurai clattering on the rocks.

As Eomer got there he first saw the General lying on the ground. Theoden lay there not seeing his nephew and with Merry, who had gotten up, approach.

As Merry stooped and lifted his hand to kiss it, and lo! héoden opened again his eyes, and they were clear, and he spoke in a quiet voice though laboured.
"Farewell, Master Holbytla!" he said. "My body is broken. I go to my fathers. And even in their mighty company I shall not now be ashamed. I felled the black serpent. A grim morn, and a glad day, and a golden sunset!"

Merry could not speak, but wept anew. "Forgive me, lord," he said at last, "if I broke your command, and yet have done no more in your service than to weep at our parting."

The old king smiled. "Grieve not! It is forgiven. Great heart will not be denied. Live now in blessedness; and when you sit in peace with your pipe, think of me! For never now shall I sit with you in Meduseld, as I promised, or listen to your herb-lore." He closed his eyes, and Merry bowed beside him.

Merry could not speak, but wept anew. "Forgive me, lord," he said at last, "if I broke your command, and yet have done no more in your service than to weep at our parting."

The old king smiled. "Grieve not! It is forgiven. Great heart will not be denied. Live now in blessedness; and when you sit in peace with your pipe, think of me! For never now shall I sit with you in Meduseld, as I promised, or listen to your herb-lore." He closed his eyes, and Merry bowed beside him. Presently he spoke again. "Where is Éomer? For my eyes darken, and I would see him ere I go. He must be king after me. And I would send word to Éowyn. She, she would not have me leave her, and now I shall not see her again, dearer than daughter."

[Butterbeer]

"who's that bloomin' idiot in the leather yellow cat suit blocking my view ..." moaned theoden weakly, casting his eyes around, earnestly seeking Eomer...