The Jokes Thread

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by Spock

I went into my local bookstore and explained I needed Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler for a politics essay, the woman behind the desk said "Is it a new release?"

Bwahaha.... Oh my goodness....how old was this lady?

[hectorberlioz]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

MALCOLM X
To get away from the evil white man!

BEETHOVEN
What you are, you are chicken by birth; what I am, I am by myself. There are and will be a thousand chickens; there is only one Beethoven.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

My Faves:

Originally Posted by Gwaimir Windgem

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having
their motives called into question.

EUCLID
Let AB be the road and line C the chicken. Let AB be bisected at D and let C
fall across AD. From point D let a line equal in magnitude to AD be extended
from its endpoint creating angles equal to two rights on both sides. Which was
to be demonstrated.

HOMER
Sing Goddess of the voyage of the hen’s son: Chicken.
How with war-filled hearts the battle raged across the wine dark sea
And the silver arrow that furious Phoebus Apollos did string
That sent lion hearted Chicken to the other side.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken XP, which will not only cross roads, but will lay
eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook… and Internet
Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

MARTIN LUTHER
Because the dirty Papists deceived him into thinking that he might merit heaven
through the works of crossing roads instead of by faith alone!

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could
you define chicken please?

GEORGE W.BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

C.S. LEWIS
Well, it follows logically that it must have been because he was either a liar,
a lunatic, or a chicken.

JOHN CALVIN
The chicken was predestined from all eternity to do this filthy and damnable
deed.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Originally Posted by Spock

I went to a local pizza restaurant and asked about the difference between a large and a medium pizza. The Induhvidual told me the large pizza had 10 slices and the medium had 8 slices. I told her to take one of the large pizzas, cut it into 8 slices, and I would pay for a medium. She just stared at me like I had asked her a question about Euclidian Geometry.

Apotome-wha?

[hectorberlioz]

I liked the Nietzche, Freud, Clinton, and Hemingway a lot...the John Calvin and Luther are also great ...

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Dirty Papists...heh!

[hectorberlioz]

Where did you find that thing, anyways? Or did you write it?

[Gwaimir Windgem]

One night, over the summer, a friend and I were checking e-mail on the dorm computers, and he pulled that up from the computer he was on. And thank goodness he did.

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by Gwaimir Windgem

One night, over the summer, a friend and I were checking e-mail on the dorm computers, and he pulled that up from the computer he was on. And thank goodness he did.

Well why don't we just keep adding to it?

Let's see, my Malcolm X wasn't bad, the Beethoven was lousy...(it didn't mention why he crossed the road).

[durinsbane2244]

Y'know how the Cinco de Mayo came to be? Well, the British and Spanish were at war, see, and the British surrounded a Spanish island. As the British were receiving a supply ship (which had all manner of condiments), the Spanish finally had a victory and sunk it. The British captain exclaimed, "Oh no! De sinko de mayo!"

....

corny, i know.

[hectorberlioz]

Actually, pretty darn good...


You know how cheese got it's name in Spanish?

Well one day, some Spanish sheperd was out in the field tending his flock. He left his milk gourd in the sun for quite a while, and when he came back to it; it had curdled. "?Que es eso?" he asked himself, but he said it so fast it came out "Queso"

[durinsbane2244]

nice!

Y'know how the Sandman gets around?
He sleep-walks!

[hectorberlioz]

...

I love stupid jokes, they're so hilarious because they're so stupid ...a lot of people don't understand that.

[durinsbane2244]

yes, i made that one up myself...speaks a lot for my stupidity, i know...

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by durinsbane2244

yes, i made that one up myself...speaks a lot for my stupidity, i know...

You ain't alone

My older sibs made up the cheese one ...

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Originally Posted by hectorberlioz

Actually, pretty darn good...

Actually, how 'bout not.

[hectorberlioz]

The Politically Correct Lord's Prayer

Our universal chairperson in outer space, your identity enjoys the highest rating on a prioritized selectivity scale. May your sphere of influence take on reality parameters; may your mindset be implemented on this planet as in outer space.

Allot to us at this point in time on a per diem basis, a sufficient and balanced dietary food intake, and rationalize a disclaimer against our negative feedback as we rationalize a disclaimer against the negative feedback of others.

And deprogram our negative potentialities, but desensitize the impact of the counterproductive force. For yours is the dominant sphere of influence, the ultimate capability and the highest qualitative analysis rating, at this point in time and extending beyond a limited time-frame. End of message

[rohirrim TR]

Originally Posted by hectorberlioz

The Politically Correct Lord's Prayer

Our universal chairperson in outer space, your identity enjoys the highest rating on a prioritized selectivity scale. May your sphere of influence take on reality parameters; may your mindset be implemented on this planet as in outer space.

Allot to us at this point in time on a per diem basis, a sufficient and balanced dietary food intake, and rationalize a disclaimer against our negative feedback as we rationalize a disclaimer against the negative feedback of others.

And deprogram our negative potentialities, but desensitize the impact of the counterproductive force. For yours is the dominant sphere of influence, the ultimate capability and the highest qualitative analysis rating, at this point in time and extending beyond a limited time-frame. End of message

Very nice I may have to copy and save that.

[Spock]

hmmmmm,

[Spock]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.