The Jokes Thread

[Lotesse]

Why God Never Received Tenure at a University

1} Because he had only one major publication.
2} And it was in Hebrew.
3} And it had no cited references.
4} And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5} And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6} It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7} The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
8} He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
9} He expelled his first two students for learning.
10} Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
11} His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

[Valandil]

Hah - I hadn't seen that last one by Lotesse before!


Here's one our kids just discovered. You might have to say it out loud to catch it a little faster:

Q: What did the clock do when it was still hungry?

A: Went back four seconds!

[Farimir Captain of Gondor]

Here's a dumb one but one that is used around these parts.

Whats round on both ends and greets you in the middle?

Ohio

[Valandil]

Ha - reminds me of yet another my kids like:

What runs around the field, but never moves?

A fence

[Farimir Captain of Gondor]

I love those jokes you get off the wrappers of Laffy Taffy.

[Grey_Wolf]

Lesson one:


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?


The eagle answered, Sure, why not. So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, saw the rabbit, and
ate it.


Management Lesson:


To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high
up.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Lesson Two:


A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top
of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy.


Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings replied the
bull. They are packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of manure,
found
it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Management Lesson:


Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Lesson Three:


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there a cow came
by and dropped some dung on it.


As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all
warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the
bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Management Lessons:


1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.


2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.


3) When you're in deep ****, it is best to keep your mouth shut!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through
the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it
very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded
in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn
and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant
turned to face the man and stared at him intently. For a
long minute the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else
but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,
turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the
events of that day. One day the man was walking through the
zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure,
one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they
are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man
couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to
stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over
the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked
right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk
around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and
forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Rosie Gamgee]

Grey Wolf: Hilarious!

GW: Oh, my goodness! that was funny. I love Shaggy Dog stories. Brilliant.

[Grey_Wolf]

Originally Posted by Rosie Gamgee

Grey Wolf: Hilarious!

GW: Oh, my goodness! that was funny. I love Shaggy Dog stories. Brilliant.

'

Thanks, Rosie!

[Beren3000]

A dairy factory won a certain award for the quality of their milk, so a TV reporter went to interview their cow farmer:
"So what do you feed the cows?"
"Which one, the red one or the white one?"
"The white one."
"Just grass."
"And the red one?"
"I also feed the red one grass."
"And where do the cows sleep?"
"The red one or the white one?"
"The white one."
"The white one sleeps in the barn."
"And the red one?"
"The red one sleeps also in the barn."
"Is there any special treatment you give your cows?"
"The red one or the white one?"
"The white one."
"I walk the white one around the fence twice a day."
"And the red one?"
"I also walk the red one around the fence twice a day."
"What's the matter with you? Whenever I ask a question about the cows, you ask me 'which one' and it turns out you give both of them the exact same treatment. Why do you keep saying that?"
"Oh, that's because the white cow is mine."
"And the red cow?"
"It's also mine."

[Curubethion]

Nice. Here's a WoT joke I found on Wotmania:
Two Black Ajah sisters walk into a bar...




of balefire!

[Spock]

I'm not even sure what balefire is much less those sisters.

[Spock]

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive
Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer
the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer
the phone and say . . .

Picabo, ICU.

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by Beren3000

A dairy factory won a certain award for the quality of their milk, so a TV reporter went to interview their cow farmer:
"So what do you feed the cows?"
"Which one, the red one or the white one?"
"The white one."
"Just grass."
"And the red one?"
"I also feed the red one grass."
"And where do the cows sleep?"
"The red one or the white one?"
"The white one."
"The white one sleeps in the barn."
"And the red one?"
"The red one sleeps also in the barn."
"Is there any special treatment you give your cows?"
"The red one or the white one?"
"The white one."
"I walk the white one around the fence twice a day."
"And the red one?"
"I also walk the red one around the fence twice a day."
"What's the matter with you? Whenever I ask a question about the cows, you ask me 'which one' and it turns out you give both of them the exact same treatment. Why do you keep saying that?"
"Oh, that's because the white cow is mine."
"And the red cow?"
"It's also mine."

That is such an awesome joke...

[Spock]

a smile for the week

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Spock: hehe on both counts.

Bishop Bruskewitz was here last Saturday to say a Mass for our 35th anniversary. Here's a quote from him afterwards:

"St. Paul says, 'once I was stoned', and of course, we must follow Scripture!"

[Spock]

[Gwaimir Windgem]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having
their motives called into question.

HEGEL
The moment had arrived for the World Spirit to negate the negation and see the
other-side consciousness as chicken-for-self consciousness.

GRANDPA JERRY
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

PLATO
His vision was turned to the eternal form of ‘the other side’ in his soul, and
he saw that this form participated in the form of ‘the good and the
beautiful’.

BLAISE PASCAL
How then can you condemn the chicken for making this wager? The chicken has its
reasons of which reason knows nothing.

EUCLID
Let AB be the road and line C the chicken. Let AB be bisected at D and let C
fall across AD. From point D let a line equal in magnitude to AD be extended
from its endpoint creating angles equal to two rights on both sides. Which was
to be demonstrated.

FREIDREICH NIETZCHE
What if truth is a chicken—what then? And why truth—why not falsehood? And why
a chicken—I, the uberman, will that a non-chicken did not cross the road.

HOMER
Sing Goddess of the voyage of the hen’s son: Chicken.
How with war-filled hearts the battle raged across the wine dark sea
And the silver arrow that furious Phoebus Apollos did string
That sent lion hearted Chicken to the other side.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping
50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to
cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken XP, which will not only cross roads, but will lay
eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook… and Internet
Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?


MARTIN LUTHER
Because the dirty Papists deceived him into thinking that he might merit heaven
through the works of crossing roads instead of by faith alone!

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could
you define chicken please?

GEORGE W.BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black
man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

SOREN KIERKEGAARD
The chicken faced the crossing of the road with infinite resignation to the fact
that it was utterly impossible to achieve, and then, knowing that it was
impossible, at the same time believed that is was possible and crossed it, on
the strength of the absurd.

IMMANUEL KANT
The chicken, by seeing with absolute clarity the universally moral law that
nothing at any time should ever cross the road, crossed the road at any rate,
at least in my mind, er, I mean, in the mind of the synthetic unity of
apperception.

C.S. LEWIS
Well, it follows logically that it must have been because he was either a liar,
a lunatic, or a chicken.

JOHN CALVIN
The chicken was predestined from all eternity to do this filthy and damnable
deed.

CHARLES DARWIN
Over hundreds of millions of years, the chicken underwent infinite random
variations built upon one another in a frenzied brawl for survival until it got
to the other side.

JOHN LOCKE
Hey! That road was private property—this chicken deserves to be fried.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

[hectorberlioz]

Nietszche... I almost died.

I'm gonna print that out and post it all over campus

[Spock]

I went into my local bookstore and explained I needed Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler for a politics essay, the woman behind the desk said "Is it a new release?"

I went to a local pizza restaurant and asked about the difference between a large and a medium pizza. The Induhvidual told me the large pizza had 10 slices and the medium had 8 slices. I told her to take one of the large pizzas, cut it into 8 slices, and I would pay for a medium. She just stared at me like I had asked her a question about Euclidian Geometry.