The Jokes Thread

[Melfena]

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi
border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead
body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short
distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American
soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still
barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head
and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to
the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an
unprincipled, lying piece of trash!' He looked me right in the
eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying
piece of trash too!' We were standing there shaking hands when
the truck hit us."

[Melfena]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors
addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason,
you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[Melfena]

Several customers of a San Diego supermarket became alarmed when
they observed Linda Burnett, 23, sitting in her car with her
eyes closed and both hands behind the back of her head.

One man asked Burnett if she was ok, and she replied that she'd
been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her
brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car, but
Burnett refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in, they found that the woman had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the
dough and thought it was her brains

[Melfena]

At a resort club in France, a romantic Frenchman spots an American lady
tourist entering the dining section. He swiftly rushes to her assistance,
with his usual charm and his obviously attractive dialect, "Bonjour,
madamoiselle." "Bonjour!" She answers back, "Can you........?" and before
she could finish her sentence, the Frenchman interrupts to say, "Anysing,
yes I can, for you. Ma cherrie." He takes her hand, kisses her palm, licks
her fingers romantically and then continues saying, "Just as beautiful and
sweet as you are, your fingers are. What is this tasty lotion you use, ma
cherrie? And if I may ask, what is this you wanted to be assisted in?"

The lady (at that time very impressed) answered, "I've just been changing
my baby's diaper's, he has been suffering from serious diarrhea. So, I
just wanted to know where I could wash my hands."

[Melfena]

(If you can imagine a real mean cowboy accent, the effect of
this joke will be much better!)

A cowboy is traveling on his horse when he sees a bar. He
decides to stop for a few drinks, so he ties his horse outside
the bar, walks into the bar, sits right up at the counter and
orders a few beers. This cowboy is new in town, so he notices
some of the other bar patrons giving him funny looks, and he
suspects that they'll try something funny, but he continues to
drink. When he's satisfied, he pays for the beers and walks out
of the bar only to find his horse missing.

However, he keeps his cool, struts back into the bar, puts on a
really mean look and says, "Look, I don't know what you
did to my horse out there...but I'm planning to make a move on
within the next FIVE minutes, and if my horse isn't back where
it's supposed to be by then, well...I'm gonna have to do here
what I did in Texas!" The cowboy sneers. "And I DON'T wanna do
what I did in Texas!"

The cowboy glares at everyone before returning to the counter
and ordering another couple of beers. The other customers seem a
bit shaken, and sure enough after 5 minutes, the cowboy walks
out and finds his horse tied where it was supposed to be.

Just as he's about to leave, the bartender approaches him and
asks, "Just out of curiosity, partner. What was it you did in
Texas that you didn't want to do here?" The cowboy turns to the
bartender, gives a lopsided grin and replies, "I had to walk
home!"

[Melfena]

Three guys went on spring vacation and booked three rooms at a
hotel. When they got to the hotel the clerk said there were no
reservations in the computer for them but they had an opening in
a suite they had. So they said okay.Then the clerk gave them the
key, said it was on the 30th floor and the elevator was broken
so they would have to use the stairs. They said okay and made a
deal the first guy would tell funny stories the 1st ten flights.
The second guy would tell scary stories the 2nd ten flights, and
the third would tell sad stories the last ten flights. So the
fisrt guy told stories and they walked slow. Then the second guy
told stories and they sped up when they got scared. Last the 3rd
guy told sad stories and at the last stair he said, "Want to
here the saddest story in the world" and the other guys said
okay tell us. He said, "I left the key in the lobby."

[Melfena]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman
slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near
the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she
was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver
insulted me." She fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why,
he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers." "You're right." She said, "I think I'll go back up
there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea."
The man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Melfena]

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car
and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was
killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample
warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even
stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed
his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You
did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

[Janny]

The Year 12 physics class will have a trip to study quantum physics on the 12th. Probably.

[Bilbo]

This may have been on before, but there are so many jokes I can't be bothered checking them all

How many elephants can you fit in a mini?
4 - 2 in the front, 2 in the back

How do you know if an elephant has been in the refridgerator?
There are footprints in the butter!

How do you know if 2 elephants have been in the refridgerator?
There are 2 sets of footprints in the butter!

How do you know if 3 elephants have been in the refridgerator?
There are 3 sets of footprints in the butter!

How do you know if an elephant has been in the refridgerator?
There is a mini outside!

[Lenya]

Originally Posted by Bilbo

How many elephants can you fit in a mini?
4 - 2 in the front, 2 in the back

How do you know if an elephant has been in the refridgerator?
There are footprints in the butter!

How do you know if 2 elephants have been in the refridgerator?
There are 2 sets of footprints in the butter!

How do you know if 3 elephants have been in the refridgerator?
There are 3 sets of footprints in the butter!

How do you know if an elephant has been in the refridgerator?
There is a mini outside!

How do you fit 4 giraffes into a mini?
Remove the elephants first

[Beren3000]

Hey, Elephant Jokes! Here are some of my own

Of the 4 elephants in the mini, which one should drive?
-The one who has a driving license.

How can you fit 8 elephants into a Mercedes?
-Sell the Mercedes, buy two minis and put 2 in front and 2 in the back in each mini.

How can you put an elephant in the fridge in 3 steps?
-Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

An airplane carrying all sorts of electrical appliances is facing some engine trouble: they have to throw away the heaviest appliance they're carrying in order to survive. Which appliance should they throw?
-The fridge, because it has an elephant in it!

A guy was swimming when he suddenly died, why?
-The fridge, falling from the airplane, hit him.

[Lenya]

Ok, enough elephant jokes for now. Though I like the Mercedes one

[Brian]

there are three scientist, a blonde,brunet and a red head and they are disscussing the greatist inventions. the brunet syas that the tellascope is the best invetion because it lets us see and study the stars, the red head says that the best inventions is the rocet because it lets us go to the stars. and the blonde says nononono ithe best invention is the thermas, when you put something cold in it and u open it the next day it is still cold and if u put something hot in it and open it the next day its still hot, HOW DOSE IT KNOW???

[Brian]

thers a fly and he sees a huge pile ofhorse crap, and has eaten for days. hes soo hungry that he eats it all. after huis feast he trys to fly but he can lift his weight up off the ground. so he looks around for something to help him. he sees a broom handel proped upo gainst some hey, so he walks off it and decids that he will jump off thinking that it would help. so he jumps.. and SPLAT. the moral of the story is dont fly off the handel when your full of $h!t

[Melfena]

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,
multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes
are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's
without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced
jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down
in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who
just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
"What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do
anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I
was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had
sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

[Melfena]

Diary Of a Snow Shoveler
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
ever inch of landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so i got to shovel again. What a
perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a
nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow , lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
*20 . The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! the snow plow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize that I
would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I thought was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin' snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about the white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white crap fell today, and its so cold it probably wont
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up and
go to out to shovel then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...... NUTS?!?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard today by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the person who drives the snowplow, I'll drag him though the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me
to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin'
snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and
I hit him over the head with my shovel. The Wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time. I'm going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million
dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more Shoveling!!

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Melfena]

Things You Learn From the Movies!

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within
the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

6. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

7. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.

8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses,
pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks,
which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

10. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.

11. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
meet will know all the steps.

[Melfena]

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're
going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come
out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten
up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean
underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you
something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your
mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the
dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all
that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado
swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled
because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once,
I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting
like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

Have a great day!

[Melfena]

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico."The second guy thinks this is
a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they
are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly,
more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy
jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back
up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised
and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy
falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty
messed up he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this
time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is
a pinata?