The Drunk Elf Pirates and the Quest for the Holy Wine

[Willow Oran]

Willow: *twitches slightly* I don't like this...

Tano: Well, it is the hiding place of the Holy Wine, you're supposed to feel uncomfortable around here.

Willow: Is it really safe to have him guiding us? He's hardly a trustworthy guide.

Tano: He hasn't led us astray yet, stop being so jumpy it'll be fine.

Willow: No it won't, it's never fine. Somethings going to go wrong and it's going to be a big something when it does, which it will.

Tano: How do you know? Unless you've suddenly aquired the ability to tell the future you don't so calm down before you make the entire landing party as twitchy as you are.

Willow: I haven't, and I'm not twitchy! *twitches* I'm just over alert.

*Tano smacks her lightly*

Willow: Fine I'll stop.

*She stops but continues to mutter things about bad things happening and everyone being doomed under her breath.*

Willow: Fine I'll stop

[Sanity's Demise]

*Roya rouses herself and runbs her head. Her hands bump into the gifts left by Luthien*

Roya: Uuhhn? *looks at them for a moment* Luthien...Yer debt is paid!

*she quickly set to work and is free in a blink, She grabs her effects and makes a dumy out of rolls and what have you and slips out in the darkness. She eyes the water just before she lowers herself into it*

Roya: Gah...More salt...Must swim to shore...neh...

*and so she swims with due caution. She reaches land and slips into the jungle, guided by her better than average night sight.*

(ooc: oops, forgot bout that.)

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

(ooc: but elves and hobbits do. and we've not all always been pirates. may i request a retraction of that last statement? i'd think we'd be pretty quiet, for the most part.)

The questing party went farther along through the jungle, making their way past the foliage, until they came unto a great cliff, and hundreds of feet below was a river, and on the other side another cliff rose up, near level with the one they stood on. Between them was a thin, old-looking rope bridge. And only Flannery could see.

[Finrod Felagund]

*Suddenly Finrod appeared beside Earniel*

Finrod: Look Earniel, we need to talk...about our relationship...

Earniel: WHAT!?!?

Finrod: Well, I'm afraid we can't see eachother anymore, can we be just friends?

Earniel: Ummmmm...sure?

Finrod: Ahhhh...good. Here, have a piece of cheesecake.

Earniel: Thanks *though still confused, reaches for it*

Finrod: NO! My preciousssss...I mean, sorry, here...old habits die hard.

*Earniel eats the piece of cheesecake.*

[Earniel]

*Then Eärniel recovers from her surprise and whacks Finrod firmly on the back of his head.*

Eärniel: What is the matter with you?

Finrod: No! Don't hit poor Finrollum!

Eärniel: *suspicious*Have you been visiting the captain's liquor cabinet again?

Finrod: Er... no?

Eärniel: Good, then you can take over my watch for the moment. It's time for my medici-er *cough* I'm going to check up on the rest of the ship and crew. Yes. Yes, that's what I'll do.

*Eärniel quickly walks off and leaves Finrod to the watch.*

Finrod: *strokes bushbaby* Poor girl, she took breaking up rather hard....

*Finrod gets hit by Eärniel's flying shoe.*

Eärniel: I'm still within hearing distance, you loon! Honestly, some people....

Finrod: *waits until Eärniel is safely below deck and then says to bushbaby* She's just in denial, you know.


OOC: Honestly Finrod, you wannabe womaniser.

[Elfmaster XK]

OOC: I wish I were aboard the Nal to see the flying shoe thing.

For a moment they all paused, and 'looked' at what was ahead, though they could only just see a faint outline in the blackness. Flannery pulls forward, but XK stops.

XK - Woah. Wait a minute.
EG - What?
XK - You seriously saying we're walking across that ropey thing that's supposed to be a bridge, and we can't really see it.
EG - Flannery can.
XK - Yeah...
EG - And? Are you questioning my judgement?
XK - Erm...*feels her sister's look, as she can't see it, but knows it's there.* Oh fine. Come on then.

And so they carry on, all feeling extremely anxoius whilst crossing the bridge. Except for Flannery, who was sure footed in the light. However, there were no problems, and they all reached the other side safely.

EG - Everyone here?
XK - Aye.
Tano - Aye.
Willow - Here.
Luthien - Aye.
Flannery - Yep.
EG - Good. Right, lead on Flannery.

And so Flannery led them higher into the mountains, and slowly the dense jungle thinned enough for the crew members to see on their own. Tano and Willow held the Weapon nervously between them, and the Captain and mate walked directly behind Flannery. They rounded a corner and in front of them was a huge cavern entrance. It looked quite dark and forbidding, except for the fact there were small torches in wall brackets. The crew paused.

Flannery - I think this is it captain. The cave where the wine will be held.
EG - Excellent. Be vigilant my friends. Don't expect this to be easy. Follow me. *draws her sword*

The crew all draw various weapons, and the captain raises her eyebrow. She smacks Tano around the head and they all put down their pen and paper and get out their real weapons, following the captain into the cave walking carefully on the unstable floor. For a while they walk and nothing happens. Then, they come to a huge hollow inside the mountain. It's big and scary looking and they all freeze....but nothing happens.

XK - I think something's wrong with the story...
Willow - I know, where've all the obstacles gone?
Xk - It's like...*BANG* EEP!

At that moment a huge boulder falls from the ceiling and smashed through the cave floor. The crew all jump back, but XK falls through the hole and deeper into the mountain. It takes a few moments for the smoke to clear, but when it does the crew freeze in shock. In front of them stands a strange grey rock creature, its eyes red with the fury of being awoken.

Tano - *looks at Willow* You had to jinx it, didn't you Willow?

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

EG: *glares right back at the creature* ready the weapon, girls!
Rock-Creature: *snarl*
EG: What would you want with us? Speak, now, I charge thee!
Rock Creature: *growl* *spits flaming rocks at them from its wide mouth*

The crew ducks and avoids the flaming rocks, are all slightly singed.

EG: The weapon!

Tano: Right!

Willow: Of course. . .

Tano and Willow, weapon ready, take aim and fire. The creature looks confused, and then there is suddenly a small blue piglet made of stone, that spits little sparks at them but looks essentially harmless.

Willow: Well that was easy. . .
Tano: Willow! Don't. . .

EG: Where's E XK? And. . .by Elbereth, what is that thing?

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Elfmaster XK
OOC: I wish I were aboard the Nal to see the flying shoe thing.

ooc: we aim to please.

ic:

*Walking through the corridor, Eärniel accidentally pushes against the brig's door. And to her amazement it goes open.*

Eärniel: *to herself* Wasn't that supposed to be locked?

*She pushes the door further open and looks in the dark brig.*

Eärniel: Um.. Roya?

*silence*

Eärniel: How's -er- your back? Still -um- sore?

*silence*

Eärniel: What, are you're giving me the silent treatment now?

*silence*

Eärniel: Is this because I kind of (cowardly) hid during your punishment? Because if so, I really think... *trails off uncertain*

*silence*

*Eärniel sighs and lights a candle to see a little. She spots the dummy-roll and reaching over, she shakes what she thinks is Roya's shoulder. However, Roya's shoulder feels strangely soft and compressable to the touch. Getting suspicious, Eärniel pulls of the blanket and finally sees the set-up rolls.*

Eärniel: Why the [censored]!

*She quickly leaves the brig and heads back on deck.*

Eärniel: Crew! Assemble! And Katt, how many times will I have to tell you to stop chewing the mast!

Katt: Er... indefinately?

Eärniel: *to hastily assembled crew* Roya has escaped the brig. I know she's our crewmate and drinking companion but I want her found! Search every cabin and hide-hole, except for the Room (the Room is locked and will stay that way), just check that lock on the door to be sure. Sicirus, check if our rowboat is still where it should be. There's no telling what she'd do if she still holds a grudge over her whipping. Get going!

*The remaining crew on the Nal starts looking for Roya all over the ship. Eärniel turns to the flares she has put up on deck.*

Eärniel: *muttering to herself* Darn, why couldn't Xen have given me a flare for mutineering crewmembers? Oh yes, because I myself was the last one to start a mutiny, that's why. But what flare to send now? Should I send the red one to call them back, just for Roya? What if she's still on the ship and not up to no good? And what if they don't see the flare in that dense forest? Should I go then myself? Decisions, decisions. *spots bushbaby* Or I could always....

* The bushbaby feels Eärniel's gaze, guesses her intention, does a U-turn, and disappears with surprising speed below deck.*

Eärniel:.... or not.

[Willow Oran]

(Meanwhile back in the cave...)

Tano: *sighs* I told you not to say it.

Willow: Too late.

*They all stare at the monstrousity in front of them*

EG: I repeat- what is that thing and where is EXK?

Willow: It would appear to be a giant plant...

Tano: Aren't giant plants of that shape usually maneating ones?

EG: You don't think...?

Willow: Well if it did then it's ful and it'll let us through.

*she steps forward and addresses the plant*

Willow: Oh plant who may possibly have eaten our comrade, would you please let us through.

Plant: FEED ME.

Willow: *hurries back* I think it's still hungry Cap'n

Plant: FEED ME.

Tano: Feed it what? Think it'll take an apple?

Plant: MUST BE BLOOD.

EG: A vampiric plant? Maybe Flannery could donate some?

Plant: MUST BE FRESH.

Flannery: Not mine then.

*and then the plant began to sing...*


OOC: And thus the perils of writing in obstacles while listening to "Little Shop of Horrors" are discovered...

[Tanoliel]

Tano: *covers ears* This plant cannot carry a tune in a bucket!

Plant: *stops singing* EXCUSE ME. BLOOD....

Tano: *whispers to willow* Does the weapon work on this? And failing that...are there any vampirically allergenic trees on this island?*

ooc: *That would be ash, rowan, rose, etc...not oak. Not birch. Other stuff. Yeah....I'm a nerd...

[Sanity's Demise]

OOC: This is in accordance to maggie's wish after i informed here of a fond childhood memory of mine.

*Roya was well and deeply into the forest adn on the tracks of her former ship mates, yet it could be seen that she had a small urple colored budle with her. She looked around at the entrance to the cave for somwhere to change.*

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

ooc: And now we know, alder. It is alder, isn't it? Something with an a, that's not ashwood. It's the thornwoods--er, anyway, stopping now.

ic:

EG: Just try the weapon on it, but be quiet about it!
Tano: Okay. . .
EG: Plant! We can find you some blood, but we must have time. . .

Plant: EAT. NOW. MUST EAT NOW. MUST BE BLOOD. *begins to sing again*

Crew: *sighs*

The plant continues its song, as the weapon goes off--to no affect. . .

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

*Katt bounded below deck to get the splinters out of her gums. When she returned there was someone else chewing on the mast.*

Katt: AAH! HUMAN!

Human: AAH! KATT!

Katt: What are you doing?

Human: Chewing on the mast.

Katt: That's my job!

Human: Tough luck!

Katt: Have at thee!

*Katt pulled out a sword and simply stabbed Human through the stomach. Human fell to the deck with a light squish.*

Katt: WHY DID I EVER JOIN THIS BASTED QUEST?

*With that she jumped overboard and swam ashore to see how many other people were pointless enough to be killed.*

[Earniel]

Sici: Eärniel, I checked the Room and it's still locked. There's also no sign of Roya on board. The rowing boat is still in place but Katt kind of jumped overboard.

Eärniel: *sighs* Altijd wat. Never mind. So Roya went ashore, Katt is going there also, the capt'n and the rest are there already... *complains*Why is everybody leaving me?

Sici:*pats Eärniel on the back* There, there. I'm still here. Most of the booze is still here. Fancy a game of cards?

Eärniel: *shrugs* The capt'n will have to deal with Roya and Katt then. So since we can't leave the ship, I suppose a cardgame won't hurt to kill time. As long as it's not chess!

[Human#3.141592653]

*Back on board the ship a green fetid hand reaches over the hand rail an arm and a shoulder and a green fetid head.*

Human: Wa ha ha ha ha!!!

*The Cadaver of Human hauls itself out of the water and onto the boat with a cackling burble*

Human: I am the evil undead, come back for vengeance upon those who have wronged me in my living life! I am ever wakeful, never resting! I hunger for brains, and I will gnaw English bones and bake Caribbean seadogs for my bread! None shall escape my wrath!!

*Finally notices that no one is board. Stands confused and rots a little.*

Human: *Burble*

*Spies the mast which now has many a deep and structurally compromising bites taken out of it. Human looks to the right*

Human: ...

*Human looks to the left*

Human: ...

*chew*

*The mast gives a great and terrible cracking sound, and splits at the base. Then catches on fire, falls over and sinks into the sea.*

Human: Whoops. Don't suppose that they've got a spare laying around. Ah, well.

[Sanity's Demise]

*And so, Roya went into the cave in her attire and was having second thoughts*

Roya: *To herself* As the last of the Urple Ninja clan i must uphold my honor and finish the task that was assigned to me!

*however Roya's concience poped in*

RC: right...and you are gonna tell me that you will have no problem at all with what you are about to comit?

R: *slightly nervous* Hey...I thought i turned you off!

RC: Well, you did but this whole thing with the NAL woke me up again. And you havent answered my question.

R: snooty. Eh..of course. I am a pirate. This was an order given to me by Obsidian an' as his First Mate i must finish the task!

RC: Oh, and i suppose you have absolutly no qualms with killing your captian?

R: She aint my cap'n!

RC: Who are you kidding? She is ten times the Cap'n Obsidian ever was!

R:*shakes her head* Ah! She is a ninny! No good!

RC: She is a decent pirate, Obsidian had never followed the code. He would jus as easily laugh and drink with you one moment and have you on the torture rack the next. HE treated the crew and you like dirt! here you have a chance!

R: *plugs her ears* No! I dont! So there!

RC: hah! you've gotten far more attached than you think you have and dont deny it!

R: *defeated* Yeah. But what choice do i have now? I ave jus mutineed an ave challenge 'er athority once to much! I might as well! i know i dont want to! Where could i go? Obsidian will kill me an i'll be damned if she wouldnt! Besides i'm insane anyways! I mean look, i am talking to myself!

*ANd so she went on with a heavy heart and warring mind to go and kill her new cap'n*

[Tanoliel]

Tano: *curses* Why isn't this thing working?

Willow: Because we're using it on a singing plant?

Tano: BAH! *pokes The Weapon*

EG: Just...fix it. Okay?

Tano: BAH, I say....*muttering, she and Willow bend over The Weapon, pulling levers and pushing buttons* This is never going to work on a plant. We just didn't build it that way.

Willow: Yeah...no kidding. Wait...we built it with intent?

Tano: *glances at Cap'n* Shhhh! Why yes, we did. Um...Cap'n? This weapon doesn't seem to work on non-animal life forms...

EG: That rock monster wasn't an animal life-form!

Tano: *scratches head* Well, no, not per se...

Willow: But the interspatial dynamics--

Tano: And the hypercore of the engine and bypass module--

Willow: Are trained to recognize certain forms of indistinguishable life, and so therefore--

Tano: In the event of being faced with obstacles it doesn't recognize, The Weapon will match what it knows with what it sees and come up with a completely random idea...

Willow: ...of whether it will actually work or not.

EG: *blinks* So...you're saying it's given up?

Tano: On the singing plant, yes. *leans over to Willow* Good job on that one, mate...

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

ooc: STOP DESTROYING MY SHIP!!! WE STILL NEED IT!

As the plant continues to sing. . .

EG: *sighing* Fine then, I'll see what I can do. Luthien. Sneak around the back of the plant with your knife. Stab it, if you can. I hate to kill it, but it's our ears and our blood, or the plant's life. . .er. . .

Luthien: Okay, Cap'n. . .
*sneaks off*

EG: *draws her rapier* Alright, Plant! Listen! Either leave us alone, or die!

Plant: Er. . .but. . .*bursts into tears*

EG: Um. . .er. . .

Plant: *sniff* I'm just lonely. . .

EG: Oh gods. . .Navica help me. . .bawling plants. I don't know how to handle this. . .

Tano: Er. . .

ooc: another note. . .I'm finishing this tonight. i kind of have to, because i go back to school tomorrow. someone is welcome to deal with this plant in a creative way, and might get seriously rewarded for it!

[Earniel]

*Back on the ship.*

Eärniel: *looks up from card game* Sicirus, why is there a halucinating half-drowned girl lying on our deck?

Sicirus: *shrugs* Beats me.

Eärniel: *shifts cards in her hand* Go see what she's blabbing on about.

Sicirus: Darn, I just had good cards!

Eärniel: Do what yer commanding officer says.

*Muttering, Sicirus stands up from the spot on the front deck, next to the flares (and in a good spot where they could see any possible flare from the island), where she and Eärniel had been sitting and playing cards. She walks over to Human who lies on her back in the middle of the deck, giggling and making funny noices. Sicirus pokes her carefully and then walks back to Eärniel.*

Sicirus: It's Human, I 'aven't seen her for a while. Thought she went overboard at some point of our trip. Anyway, she's muttering about being a corpse and 'aving chewed the mast off.

Eärniel: *looks at mast which is still standing strong* Obviously she has had more water in her than alcohol like a proper drunken Elven Pirate. The mast's still standing, given a chewmark or two from Katt. *C'me on. Let's haul Human to the infirmary.

*Together they bring Human into the infirmary where the halucinating girl can sleep off her fata morgana's about being dead and sinking ships.*

OOC: Sorry Human, we still need the ship and we hadn't abandoned it just yet. This looked like a good way to solve it without editing.

[Willow Oran]

Meanwhile the rest of the crew were still trying to figure what to do do with the blasted plant when suddenly Katt jumped out of nowhere, dived down the plant's throat and hacked it to bits from the inside, the plant was dead. Sadly Katt was trapped inside, but having fufilled her purpose in the story this was not a problem and she dissapeared from the tale until the next the need for a plot device such as she arose.

EG: Finally! Now on to the wine!