First lines

[Lief Erikson]

Originally posted by Katt_knome_hobbit
I made it up on the spot. Someone needs to write that story. Have you read the "story that could kill"? First line:

Once there was a story that could kill...

It's a wide forum here . . . feel free to write that .

Originally posted by Elfmaster XK
He could've said "It often takes longer to check the traps now." As that is what he is trying say.

Yes, that's what I meant.

And in answer to your other question earlier, which I forgot about, yes, I'm planning to split it up into four or five separate books and publish it that way. It's possible there might be a fifth. At present, my plot includes room for only four, but it grows, so I consider it quite possible that there might end up being five.

Thanks again for all the kinds words, everyone.

[Fimbrethil]

Originally posted by Elfmaster XK

Fimbrethil, you do need to work on spelling and grammar, but the opening itself is a good emotional grab. Nice one

Thanks I would have said thank you sooner but I've been gone a while. I kinda like my spelling puts a twist on things. Anyway I've more or less reached a stale mate with that book. So many ideas not enough words. I have another book in the works a really big subject jump, but hey what can I say I'm just original like that.
"Ahhhh,why do they keep raising their prices,'' Mariana Farnam grumbled to Entilson, her Cheif Officer. It had been 13 years since the famine that had made being a free lance trader/smuggler with a huge army to supply almost impossible. "Come on Bekse can't you lower something for an old friend? I'm the only smuggler that I know of in the entire gallaxy with a fleet of her own."
"I hope thats not supposed to be a threat. Also if I remember correctly your 'fleet' was just a bit more impressive than you make it sound," Bekse said in a tone that could freeze Ziama, the systems sun. "You know the prices aren't going down. Take it or leave it."
"Well then, come on Entilson we'll be taking your business elsewhere from now on," Mariana said those words with as much feeling as she could muster because everyone in that room with Bekse as an exception knew what empty words they were.
"Wait! We can lower it from 3,000 bakh to 1,500 but that's it."

Hehe...kind of long but your not even getting the jist of it from that. A little Star Warish but I like it.

[Fimbrethil]

Decided you would get a much better feel of my story if I posted a summary. I do this alot...write the summary when I haven't even started on the book. Please keep in mind my book is NOT finished!

Mariana has heard of things happening on other worlds. People suddenly dieing or wandering off only to be found muttering to themselves five or six days later after that some people say that they were never the same again. It was one of those he said that she said that he had a friend stories...no one believed them.The Unifight, the leaders of Mariana's world, Irpent, approach Mariana they bring with them a cryptic message about an ancient people in a star system far away. They are the only people that can save...everyone.


Gives you a much better idea of waht it's about wouldn't you say?

[Elfmaster XK]

Yeah, you're right that we get a better idea from the summary. Sounds very interesting.

As I read the excerpt I was perfectly happy imagining the place. Then you said a bit Star Wars-ish and my mind immediately pictured them in Tatooine.

But yeah, I do like it. The whole people waking up and muttering reminds me of a game I played called Morrowind. Ah...loved that game.

This is the summary for my novel, I Didn't Write Letters, plus two small extracts of important scenes.

“Down with the Guild system!” the banners of The Unified Church read. The Union has managed to spread across Narella, the Western world, but the elves have long relied on the system of clans and guilds to keep their freedom. They are not about to give it up, especially not for *their* kind. Jaira De Morette, an elf of high status, has had little to worry about during her short life, but that is all to change when the Union arrive in the elven city of Goldleaf Lakes. Friends and family start disappearing, the power hungry Unified Church destroy more and more of the old way of life, and a much more sinister purpose is working all the time where she would least expect to see it. Jaira has to fight for her love, freedom, and life as all around her the echelons of power and society dissolve into chaos and disorder. The old ways are being destroyed, and she must realise status and power can no longer win her what she desires.

From Chapter 2
Jaira waited outside the crypt until it was sealed. The several members of her family who had been enlisted to carry the body glanced at her, pausing and frowning before hurrying away up the hill again towards the house. Jaira then looked to the stone sculptures that were stationed at small intervals around the crypt and her eyes fell upon the newest one. It was carved from a dark grey stone, and was the figure of a man carrying a book and quill in one hand and a short sword in the other. His face was upturned to the heavens and his face so finely carved she was sure it was a stone cast, and her brother had been cased within. Jaira glanced up at the other similar graves, but noticed how this one was different. The other statues all presented a likeness of the person they represented, but Soren’s had been carved in an unfamiliar style. A churchlike style. [/i]

Excerpt from chapter 4
“No. I met Edaru at the party after Soren’s funeral.”
“Ah. I see how this could make you unhappy. Poor Soren, it’s so terrible what happened.”
“Has Damien told you…of course, you were there yesterday. I still don’t know what to believe.”
“What do you mean? It is the truth. Dendra, he gave Damien the writ; thought he should know the truth.”
“No, I believe that it is real. I just…I don’t know why,” she glanced at him. “Why would my father want him dead? They never really saw eye to eye, but they were never at each other’s throats either. I don’t understand.”
“I do. He is trying to destroy us.”
“Us? Not elves?”
“No,” he smiled slightly, raising his hand. He waved it in front of her, and then pointed at the pond. For a few moments nothing happened except for the slight rippling of the water in the subtle wind, and Jaira wondered if Kaegan was just a little weird. Then the edge began to shimmer and slowly a wisp of white smoke drifted its way across the water, turning it to ice as it passed. Jaira watched, both in awe and fear. She had been taught magic was a bad thing, and as beautiful as it often was, she was unsure what to think of it. She had never met anyone bad who could use it.

As for first lines, this is one I like. "Raken...Raken open your eyes. Do not worry, you are dead."

[Fimbrethil]

Naw, picture it more like Corillea. I was getting more descrpitive and giving more background info after the excrept I gave you guys. Elf master your story sounds really interesting but I don't know whether to put the characters in ME or in Earth today. It sounds kind of inbetween the two.

The quote from chapter 2 imediatly made me think ancient eygpt but then as I read on I wasn't sure what to think.

The qoute from chapter 4 was my fav. I loved it.

[Finrod Felagund]

Relentlessly, like a shadow, he slipped through the night...

[Tanoliel]

Originally posted by Elfmaster XK

As for first lines, this is one I like. "Raken...Raken open your eyes. Do not worry, you are dead."

That's wonderful....what's it from? Can I read it?

ExK, are those excepts from the one you're writing with EG? If not, can I read both that and the one with EG?

T

[Arat-Falathion]

"Raken...Raken open your eyes. Do not worry, you are dead."

Damn you XK! I could hardly sleep this night after reading that line! Please say it is from a novel already released! It leaves so many possibilities... perfect first line!

[M. Brandsdal]

wow, what a first line.. damn, I just wish I could write something like that..

Is this from a novel or something? Title?

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by Fimbrethil
Naw, picture it more like Corillea. I was getting more descrpitive and giving more background info after the excrept I gave you guys. Elf master your story sounds really interesting but I don't know whether to put the characters in ME or in Earth today. It sounds kind of inbetween the two.

The quote from chapter 2 imediatly made me think ancient eygpt but then as I read on I wasn't sure what to think.

The qoute from chapter 4 was my fav. I loved it.

Ahh, Corellia. Gotcha. It was just the bargaining made me immediately think of Watto at Tatooine.

My story is set in a fictional world of my own. You didn't get that because I did't quote chapter one. I don't like chapter one yet, am still editing so didn't quote it. Am glad you liked them, even if they confuse a little.

ExK, are those excepts from the one you're writing with EG? If not, can I read both that and the one with EG?

T

No, they are from a story I'm writing alone. You may read this also, but not just yet. I have to get a little happier with their state before I let anyone see whole chapters.

Tano
That's wonderful....what's it from? Can I read it?

Arat
Damn you XK! I could hardly sleep this night after reading that line! Please say it is from a novel already released! It leaves so many possibilities... perfect first line!

wow, what a first line.. damn, I just wish I could write something like that..

Is this from a novel or something? Title?

Sorry guys. It's mine. My other novel, Soul Seeker. I almost wish it wasn't now because then I'd be able to recommend a good book.

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Elfmaster XK
Sorry guys. It's mine. My other novel, Soul Seeker. I almost wish it wasn't now because then I'd be able to recommend a good book.

Well, at least now you've got some people very interested and wanting to know how it would continue.

[Elenka]

"The Dreamer pauses in her work, squinting as she reads the fine print at the back of her mind. Eyes going glassy, she reads the tiny letters, silently mouthing the words."

This is the beginning of a really short story I wrote spur-of-the-moment about a week ago. Like it?

[Tanoliel]

Oooh, yes, Elenka--can I read it? Will you email it to me?

ExK...let me know when you've got some more of Soul Seeker that I can read, eh? Please?

Tano

[Earniel]

Tano, I'm starting to think you're making a little entmoot anthology of your own. Everywhere I look I see you asking people for their stories.

[Tanoliel]

Well, who's to say I won't bug them to enter their stories at the anthology? I'm just doing some door-to-door campaigning here...

Tano

[Arat-Falathion]

XK! You have a novel on your hands with good potential in the first line there then! Hope the plotting of the novel and the story is likewise as interesting and mysterious

Let us know if you finish it and get it published!

Elenka: Why not post you little story on the Writers workshop?

[M. Brandsdal]

Elenka could you post that shortstory in the forum please? I would love to read it..

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Tanoliel
Well, who's to say I won't bug them to enter their stories at the anthology? I'm just doing some door-to-door campaigning here...

We'll have an anthology the size of an encyclopedia with all those stories then.

[Elenka]

Yess! Replies. I should warn you that it's short and potentially creepy or boring.

**********************

The Dreamer

The Dreamer pauses in her work, squinting as she reads the fine print at the back of her mind. Eyes going glassy, she reads the tiny letters, silently mouthing the words.
Suddenly, her eyes lose their glazed look and the Dreamer snaps to attention. Her hands twitch, then settle into a smooth, steady rhythm of signs and gestures. A mix of different languages rolls off her tongue as she mutters under her breath. Her entire appearance is oddly businesslike.
The muttering ceases. The Dreamer begins to pace, arms swinging at her side, feet pointing straight ahead as she marches. Her back is straight, shoulders square, chin held firmly high. Her eyes are closed.
She walks purposefully around the perimeter of the room. Her shadow, cast on the empty white walls, copies her movement. But then, without warning, the Dreamer stops stock-still.
Her shadow, caught by surprise, does not stop in time. It hastily retreats, slipping away down the wall. The Dreamer spins around, taking in the shadow, huddled in a murky puddle on the floor, to the cluttered desk squatting with an eerie grin in the center of the room.
With a cry she turns and runs, sometimes bumping into the walls, sometimes falling to the floor, but always running at a frenzied speed. Her eyelids flutter. She hits a wall and stumbles, collapsing into a corner. She curls, protecting herself from the featureless room. As the darkness closes in around her, the Dreamer turns her face to the wall.

[Tanoliel]

Whoo, creepy. Nice writing, Lenka...it's a very ncie small thing on its own but has a lot of potential to develop into something bigger...I like the shadow being more of a separate entity...very cool.
Tano