"Temporary" Venting Thread V

[Mari]

Yay! Good news

I'm starting to lose faith that I can ever become a teacher without taking 4 more years of education...

[Tessar]

My cough is worse, and here I am waiting to perform in tomorrow's singing competition... I don't think much of anything is going to come out. I did a little singing today and my voice was cracking and breaking randomly just because my vocal cords are swollen and I can't completely control the amount of air that is going through them. I have all of my vocal range, but there's no point to it because I sound crappy.

I'm so frustrated, and I'm struggling with something else emotionally. I was a total jerk to my best friend in the world, all because I feel guilty and I got angry. He forgave me, but... I can't tell him that he's the whole reason that I'm angry and upset.

I just want to cry because I feel like I can't control anything right now. All of the hard, hard work I've done with my technique is next to useless because of the coughing. My throat doesn't even hurt, I just can't sing without it being breathy. And now I probably look like a temperamental, petty child to my friend, and I feel like one for not being able to control my emotions. He's my whole problem but he's also my best friend, and there's really nothing I can do to make the situation better for myself.

[Amanda]

Originally Posted by Mari

Yay! Good news

I'm starting to lose faith that I can ever become a teacher without taking 4 more years of education...

Sorry to hear that, hopefully it will work out better, it still could. I did it in 5 and a half. That was with taking courses in the summer, for four summers -- 2005, 2006, 2007, AND 2008. It was an amusing process. And by amusing, I literally mean frustrating! And by frustrating I mean tedious. Those can be the same things, except when they're not at all.

I hope everything begins working out for you in that area. As Gandalf once said, "you're not alone in this fight". A lotta people struggle with it.

Originally Posted by Tessar

My cough is worse, and here I am waiting to perform in tomorrow's singing competition... I don't think much of anything is going to come out. I did a little singing today and my voice was cracking and breaking randomly just because my vocal cords are swollen and I can't completely control the amount of air that is going through them. I have all of my vocal range, but there's no point to it because I sound crappy.

I'm so frustrated, and I'm struggling with something else emotionally. I was a total jerk to my best friend in the world, all because I feel guilty and I got angry. He forgave me, but... I can't tell him that he's the whole reason that I'm angry and upset.

I just want to cry because I feel like I can't control anything right now. All of the hard, hard work I've done with my technique is next to useless because of the coughing. My throat doesn't even hurt, I just can't sing without it being breathy. And now I probably look like a temperamental, petty child to my friend, and I feel like one for not being able to control my emotions. He's my whole problem but he's also my best friend, and there's really nothing I can do to make the situation better for myself.

Though I haven't been around here that much, and don't know many of the folks here, I can still say what former President William Clinton once said, "I feel your pain". Earlier this year I had a problem like that with a couple of my best friends. They see me as a bit of a temperamental child too. More like, they see me as emotionally-immature. Yet things did improve since, when it comes to other friends. Lately I was able to talk with my old friends again, and spoke to them honestly and plain about how I had acted. I was in one of the worst relationships in known history later last year, and that affected me up until last February when I met the one I've been dating since then.

My ex-boyfriend had me try drugs once, and I hated myself for it. Luckily I did nothing else with him... as he was the kind of person who would sleep with anything that moved and could maintain a body temperature somewhere in the 90s. Well he would do that, as long as he was drunk or on something. Luckily I wasn't around him much to see that. The funny thing is that he seemed smart and kind at first. That's how I guess it all starts out. Luckily he didn't abuse me or anything, but that probably would have been next.

My fiance, who was just my boyfriend until a couple of months ago, was able to help me regain contact with the two friends I had lost contact with. I think I was able to get through my student teaching because of him, as well as my sister and brother-in-law. Not everyday is so good, not so much at all. But as long as I have a few people to depend on during it all, I can make it through it all, and remain my same insane...-ly funny self.

Good luck with the cough. You must live in the cold and flu belt. I have had all that stuff already. I still have a bit of a cold. I think it's actually bronchitis. It isn't too nice. In fact this cold is rather mean. In fact, I think I heard this cold talking to the flu, saying that it was going to get me in my sleep.


Plus... some random area on my arm hurts. I think it is body pains. Anyone can get that with the common cold, but this does feel similar to the flu. But I've not actually had a flu yet. At least, not the big seasonal flu that's crippling. From what I've seen of just the seasonal flu, it doesn't look good at all. My fiance was at class a couple of weeks ago and had gotten the flu and passed out in his seat. He was told the stay put for the remainder of the week and he said that a few people including the professor yelled at him, fearing that it could be the big flu, not just the seasonal one. You know, the flu that starts with H and ends with 1N1. I don't like to even label the scientific name of that illness because although I'm more rational than this, deep down I feel that it's become a curse word, a literal curse word, where if I say it, it could beat me up. No.... seriously I'm not that irrational, unless I'm joking around. Which I am, for the record.


Long post, late night, nothing to do tomorrow but see if anything else comes in the mail, such as an indication that the last signatures have been granted so that I can get a few things that I'm going to need prior to getting a teaching job. I doubt I'll be teaching until the end of next August, but even before then I could be a sub. Thursday I go to my weekly class that I had to have with my student teaching. It will count for tenure credits so YAY!!!!!!!

[Jonathan]

I've been cut off the internet for two weeks at home and it looks like it'll be longer than that.
My new internet provider never seemed to provide me with any internet, nor did they provide any help despite me calling their support several times (which means at least 20 mins of waiting in line on the phone, if I can get through at all).
Anyway, I got sick of them and terminated my contract with them (which cost me another 20 min by the phone).

But for some strange reason, it seems I can't get a new internet provider for another 1-3 months! Heads will roll, I tell ya.

[Mari]

I dare say! I hope you get it sorted out soon.

[Earniel]

Ouch! I bet there's going to be some tiny print involved somewhere.

[Tessar]

I am really upset, and I'm trying to figure out what to do. Despite studying, and doing well on the self-tests in the book, I just completely failed my theory test and at this point my sight-singing grade may be unsavable as well because of how anxious I get on the tests and then I fail them, and the fact that I'm not very good at doing transcriptions (except for rhythm dictation... I'm great at that). I failed this theory test because I completely forgot that something (which I know how to do -really- well!) even existed. I didn't forget how to do it, I just forgot that it even existed and was an option.

If I fail, I'll get held back a year -again-. I thought the original problem was just that I didn't have enough time to study and work, but now I see that's not it. I don't understand what the heck is wrong with me. :-/

So I'm trying to figure out what I can do. There is a slim possibility that I might be able to pass theory and aural skills still... but I would pretty much have to get an absolutely perfect 100% on both final exams, and that would take nothing less than a miracle.

One thought I had is switching majors. If I switched to something else, I could probably be out of here in two more years rather than the three it will take if I fail my theory classes again. I talked to my voice teacher about continuing lessons, but switching majors, but when I tried to think of something that I'd rather do than music... I really couldn't think of anything. But I'm sick of working my butt off, having no free time, paying a ridiculous extra amount of money for all of the extra crap that goes with being a music major, and just everything else just so that I can fail.

I've been in college since I was 16, and either way I'll be here till I'm 23, but if I fail theory again I'll be here till I'm 24. Eight freaking years in college with nothing but an undergrad to show for it. My sisters graduated when they were barely 22.

How am I supposed to explain this to my parents? "Gee, sorry I'll be held back a year again. This time it's not because I'm overworked, it's just because I'm stupid and can't pass my theory exams." That'll go over well. We don't really have such a thing as theory tutors, and my friends are all too busy to help. And it's not that I can't do it, because I do -great- on the tests in the book. I just can't do the actual theory tests in class.

[Jonathan]

That's tough Tessar. It's so frustrating when you "forget something even existed" on a test, even though you really know it quite well. It's happened to me on more than one occasion

But don't let this disaster thinking get a hold on your mind! You flunked a test because of a silly mistake. That's where you stand right now and you should go from there. It's just demoralizing and to-no-good to envision the very worst consequences of utter and complete failure. Remember, you're still far from that so keep up the good work and don't despair

[Mari]

What Jon said. And would your teacher be willing to help you with it if you explain your anxiety and problems?

[Tessar]

Originally Posted by Mari

What Jon said. And would your teacher be willing to help you with it if you explain your anxiety and problems?

Nope. She is absolutely zero help. Don't get me wrong, she can be nice enough most of the time, and I think she's a great teacher, but she is not helpful when you come to her asking questions.

I talked to my voice teacher and she said that basically I just need to switch teachers. I -do- know this stuff, and I need to find a teacher that will let me prove that rather than just telling me, "well, you'll just have to do better next time." Gee thanks.

I'm gonna make this work if it kills me. I'm not going to let my stupid test anxiety ruin everything that I've worked for so hard. I'm going to pull up both of my grades for the finals... and if that means finding a way to get a 100% then I'm going to do it.

[Mari]

That's the spirit! And do ask your friends if they really can't help you out for 5 minutes a day.
Did you ever try and get help for your anxiety by the way? Every school here has a person assigned to that and have special courses and stuff.

[Tessar]

Yeah, I may have to look into that, Mari. I was talking to my parents last night and my mom told me that she wasn't surprised, because apparently I've done stuff like that since I was little. I'll do well in normal situations but during testing I freeze up mentally. Which is funny because that pretty much never happens when I'm singing.

My parents were ridiculously nice, though. The basically said that they know I've been working hard, so it's not my 'fault' per-say, and when I mentioned the possibility of changing majors just to get out of college a year faster, they both told me they think I need to stay a music major even if it means an extra year because of the extra-curricular musical opportunities that I find out about by being a music major.

[Mari]

That's really cool, Tess! I'm glad your parents can see your obvious love for music and are willing to support you in it!

[Earniel]

Understanding parents is teh awesome.

[Ingwe]

*rants about everything in the realm of possibility, as the universe is truly my enemy*

[Valandil]

H1N1... family... turning into... were-boars!


AAAaaaaaa....


...CHOO!!

[Mari]

Uh oh. *quarantines this thread and sprays disinfectant* Get well soon!

[Amael]

Hopefully you saw a doctor about that by now!!

[Nautipus]

SO. I've been in the hospital for the past three days (and am here still) because I have mono...and pneumonia...caused by h1n1. Happy days.

[Tessar]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry . I hope you get better really quickly... I can't even imagine having mono AND flu/pneum... When I had just mono it was the most miserable time I've ever experience of being sick in my life... the constant exhaustion with fever, and hallucination/fever dreams just about drove me insane.

Get better!