Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Count Comfect]

*On a Teleri pleasure-boat, at dock*

Random Teleri: Ah, going out on a beautiful day on the sea. What more could you ask for?

2nd Random Teleri: Some chocolate would be nice.

Random Teleri: What do you think that box is full of?

*These words drift across the sea in the general direction of Eärendil's ship, which is just barely in sight of land*

Eärniel: Did I just hear... chocolate?

*Yes*

Eärniel: Really?

*Yes*

Eärniel [to Eärendil]: WE. GO. THAT. WAY.

*And so, in search of both chocolate and salvation (or preferably both) the ship found its way into safe harbour*

[Earniel]

*The Vingelot casts anchor in the bay of Eldamar and the Teleri saw the coming of that ship out of the East and they were amazed, gazing upon the light of the sillymaril.*

Random Teleri: Where did that light come from all of a sudden? Did we built a new light house?

*Then Eärendil, first of living Men, landed on the immortal shores; and he spoke there to Elwing and to those that were with him; and there were a handful of TLA'ers that had sailed all the seas (albeit as stow-away) beside him.*

Eärendil: I'm going ashore. You better stay here before you incur the wrath of the Valar.

Tanoliel: It's a little late for that. The Valar are already miffed at us.

Eärniel: yeah, I'm sure it's because that whole Valar-underwear thing that we were expelled in the first place.

Elwing: Letting you wander alone in Valinor with all those pretty Elven maids? I think not, Eärendil. I'm coming too! *jumps ashore*

*The TLA, as being used to doing the exact opposite of what they're told, go ashore also. Eärendil sighs deeply but manages to keep them all occupied on the beach with the pretty shells and precious stones while he sneaks off into Valinor.*

Eärendil: He-llo-o. Anybody home? Prodigal son returning and so on...

*But Eärendil had chosen a poor time to go a-visiting and encountered none.*

Eärendil: Figures.

*Because he had come in a time of festival and all Elves had retreated into Valimar and little were left to watch the walls of TÃ*rion.*

[Count Comfect]

*And Eärendil walked the streets of Túna, searching for the people who were partying in Valimar*

Eärendil: Come on, not EVERYONE can be partying. Hey, what's that smell?

*For despite their clever use of accents, Túna was what it sounded like. A city whose streets were paved with fish.*

Eärendil: So?

*Fish. Not scales. Whole. Dead. Fish*

Eärendil: EW!

*Now you know why the party is in VALIMAR, not here*

Eärendil: Yes. I'm leaving. Now.

*But as he had walked the streets, the scales of the fish on the street had risen as dust and covered Eärendil. And he was covered as with the dust of diamonds. Or, to put it another way, he looked like a big fish. A really shiny one. So that from Valimar, they could see the reflection...*

Eönwë: Darn, I knew I was forgetting something. YO, E!

*Aren't you supposed to make a long speech?*

Eönwë: No time. Wanna get back to the party ASAP. E! Wait up!

*And so came the Valar in counsel to Eärendil*

[Willow Oran]

Meanwhile, back in Beleriand...

Maggie: Hey cool! The narrator's learned to alliterate.

Glor: That's wonderful, could you please rejoyce over that sometime when we aren't surrounded by whatsits thirsty for our blood.

And lo, the bloodthirsty whatsits were thoroughly puzzled by the mighty voice which appeared to them from thin air!

*Glor and Maggie exchange a Look*

Maggie: Since when have voices ever appeared?

Glor: *sigh* You had to ask...

Ahem. Moving on... Our travelers were indeed surrounded by creatures that Maggie had, after previous encounters, dubbed 'Nasties'; and the Nasties were indeed puzzled by the fact that one of their opponents, oh who are we kidding, their only opponent-

Maggie: Hey!

Glor: Well you have to admit it's true...

Maggie: Yeah, but Narrators aren't supposed to say so, only you're supposed to insult me like that!

Glor: It's times like this that I'm really glad that counsellor of yours isn't with us.

AS I WAS SAYING- They were surrounded by Nasties who had just decided to ignore their puzzlement and attack the seemingly alone and, as we have established, reasonably inept young lady.

Glor: Fuzz.

Maggie: *mutters darkly as she pulls out her borrowed sword* I'll show them inept...

Unfortunately, our travelers have been on the road, and engaging in increasingly frequent skirmishes for quite sometime. To put it bluntly, they're bloody exhausted; and there are a lot of Nasties. Thus they are, for the first, and probably last time, captured.

Maggie: ow...

Glor: I managed to get captured while invisible? Excuse me? I don't care how tired I supposedly am! That's character defamation you lump of italicized melodrama!

Fine! The girl gets herself captured, which is NOT terribly surprising, and you go after her because you've developed a severe case of Nice Guy Compulsion. Got it? Either way these Nasties-

Nasties: *growl*

-Are taking the two of you to Mr. Nelson and thereby giving this lagging excuse for a plotline a kick in the-

*Glor mutes the narrator.*

Glor: As you can tell, we're all very stressed on this side of the sundering sea. So the sooner that army-which-I'm-not-supposed-to-expect-but-really-I'm-officially-dead-anyway-so-who-cares *pauses, deep breath* gets here, the better. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a traveling companion to rescue and a sneaky plot to instigate.

*Rides off after the departing Nasties*

[klatukatt]

OOC: Ooh, good maggie. You get a biscuit.

*So, it's all leading up to the final battle. Yep, the big one. The end of the first age. The Valar sailing back to Middle Earth to take on Morgoth (not knowing of Nelson, but Maggie and Glor can take care of him), and the two remaining sons of Feanor, Claedhros and Maglor, have taken Miriam along with them as they head into battle. It’s all goin’ down, and the place? Berryland.*

Katt: It’s Beleriand.

*Blearyland?*

Katt: Bel-er-ee-and. I looked it up.

*Ballerinaland? Well, that won’t do. I like Berryland.*

Katt: Whatever, dude. It’s your show.

*Yeah it is. Anyway, all the elves in Berryland are getting a wee bit pissed off as well. In fact, they are preparing for the final battle too. All we have to do is sit back and wait for the whole thing to explode.*

Katt: You said it. Hey, did you know that… “Berryland� is on a fault line? Just like California. I hate to see what would happen if anything jolted the land.

*You’re doing it again.*

Katt: What?

*Foreshadowing.*

Katt: Ah, right. I’ll just go make some popcorn and then we can watch the movie.

*Good girl.*

(And from somewhere out in the distance we hear the entire TLA yell “NARRATOR’S PET!�)

OOC: You know, Beleriand sunk beneath the waves after the War of Wrath and no one ever figured out why. Remember that plan Katt had for making a bomb? This is gonna be FUN!

[Count Comfect]

*Ahem. Back to the less important characters*

Entire TLA, and all elves, men, and associated or antagonist creatures: HEY!

*I haven't seen any of YOU helping me out recently. Anyway, Back in the Undying Lands*

Eärendil: Undying? Cool! I can't die now!

Manwë: Um. We're not letting that get out. Otherwise, well, we'll get a huge re-influx of Noldor, and you know what that does to property values. So, um, here's the deal. You can choose whether to be man or elf. Elf - you get to sail this ship in the stars. Man - die. Pick.

Eärendil: Um...

Elwing: Oh, for goodness' sake... ELF.

Manwë: Cool. Oh, one point I forgot to mention... you can't go with him. We'll build you a nice house, you can visit once in a while. Bye now!

*And so was established the Choice of the Half-Elven, and too was seen the star of Eärendil, for the Valar forgot about his sillymaril in their haste to get rid of him and back to their party. And when he came close to Arda on his voyages, Elwing would retransform into a penguin, and strap on the old rockets for old times' sake*

TLA: Hey, you forgot the important part.

*Right. Manwë?*

M: Mphmgl, glmorph.

*Chew. Swallow. Now go.*

M: Right. Eonwë, it's army time!

Eonwë: Yes! We're going to the Ocean, and we're going to Beleriand, and we're going to the Mountains, and then we're going to take Angmar! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

OOC: Ugh. I don't feel good about that post at all, but it needed a kickstart.

[Earniel]

Eärniel: Cool! General chaos and mayhem! Can we come too?

Manwë: You want to go back? Than by all means, go, GO! Just don't get in our way.

Tano: *suspicious* This would be the first time you're actually enthusiastic about us doing something. I wonder why..

Manwë: *innocently* Well if you want to go, who am I to keep you? No, no, that wouldn't be fair at all.

Ren: So it has nothing to do with getting rid of us in Valinor so we wouldn't ask anymore questions related to Valar underwear?

Manwë: *grits theeth but manages a smile* I have no idea where you got that idea, young lady. Now why don't you run along, will you? The ships will sail any minute now. And we wouldn't want you to miss the boat, would we?

Christiana: *still suspicious* No, I guess not...

*The TLA trots off to the harbour where indeed the ships are waiting. The Vanyar and the Noldor who had not followed Fëanor had armed themselves and were boarding the ships. Few of the Teleri were willing to go forth into war but they listened to Elwings words (and her threats when words weren't enough to get them off their lazy asses) and they manned the ships to bring the Valar's host across the sea. But they did not leave their ships at the other shore, once they were at a safe distance from Elwing.

When the ships left, cheering and the sound of champagne bottles that were opened could be heard back in Valimar, although the TLA couldn't find out exactly why that was.*

Eärniel: *points to sky* Oooh, look! Shiny!

*And indeed, high above Eärendil steered his ship through the skies. The Sillymaril cast a glittering and bright light, that is seen far and wide, and also on the mortal shores. But Morgoth was not afeared when he spotted the new star. Mr. Nelson had assured him with talk of astronomy and super-nova's happening many aera's before in distand galaxies. To be honest, Morgoth hadn't understood a letter of it, but if it was happening in Galaxies far far away and a long time ago, he reckoned it wouldn't concern him.*

[Willow Oran]

What did concern him was the vaguely insane looking human that his orcs had just dragged in. Morgoth had long since learned that vaguely insane humans were Trouble and really ought to kept at a safe distance from his fortress.

Morgoth: Nelson!

Mr. Nelson: What?

Morgoth: Did you command these orcs to capture that- that-

Mr. Nelson: That human sir?

Morgoth: Yes.

Mr. Nelson: Yes actually I did.

Morgoth: Get her out of here then! You know how I feel about humans!

Mr. Nelson: Indeed I do sir. Orcs! Bring her to my lair!

And thus it was that Maggie got inside Angband, it wasn't quite the way she had planned it, but as she hadn't actually planned anything else in much detail that wasn't a problem. Fortunately nobody noticed the invisible and exceedingly annoyed looking elf following after.

[Count Comfect]

Glorfindel: *mutters*

Glor: Hey, I don't mutter! Stop that!

*Just trying to add some dramatic effect*

Glor: I'll dramatic effect you!

*Ha. Good luck. I'm not actually here*

Glor: Neither am I. I'm supposed to be dead.

*But that's a different type of not here.*

Glor: Wanna bet?

*Err... Glorfindel, NOT MUTTERING AT ALL, but instead plotting and thinking very intelligently and, may I say, handsomely*

Glor: Better.

*followed after. Meanwhile, the so-called host of the Valar was marching across the north. But as we all know, the Valar were partying back in Valinor. This, then, was the host of the TLA.*

Eärniel: I'm getting bored with this "death and destruction" stuff. Hosts. And not the nice kind that give your miruvor and chocolate, either.

Christiana: I know what you mean. But we do have a job to do.

Eärniel: Yeah, but it'd be nicer if we had chocolate.

Christiana: Agreed.

Tanoliel: Hey, guys, you won't believe this, but these northern guys, they've got CHOCOLATE. SWISS chocolate.

Entire TLA: WHAT???

*And the TLA acquired this Swiss chocolate, though their army knew not of this "Switzerland" whereof they spake, and the march of the host became much happier. Yet little is said in any tale of this part of the journey, for indeed, none can speak of it. They salivate too much just from listening to the wonderous tales of those days, and the legendary chocoholism of the First Age.*

[Willow Oran]

*The moment he set foot in Mr. Nelson's lair Glor's patience ran out. Several minutes and many dead orcs later...*

Maggie: I was wondering when you'd get around to doing that.

Glor: You get captured again you're own your own.

Maggie: Right, won't happen again.

Glor: It had better not, are you hurt.

Maggie: Don't think so, just a bump on the head, nothing serious.

Glor: Why do I not believe that? Don't answer, that was rhetorical.

Maggie: I knew that.

Glor: Even if it is more than just 'a bump on the head' I doubt we'd notice, because really, what's a concussion up against insanity? Nothing! You could have a whole-

Maggie: I think you're the one going crazy, come on, we're going to confront Mr. Nelson and as our narrator so kindly pointed out during our last fight scene, I'm about as close to useless as it gets. You go first and take some of that crazyness out on the nasties.

Glor: *Glares at her* Fine. *Lifts his sword and stalks out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Maggie can hear the sounds of Chaos coming from out in the hall.*

Maggie: *Settles down to wait.* This could take awhile.

[Count Comfect]

*Speaking of things that could take a while*

The Random Young Man, Who, Despite Being Tuor For A While, Is Still Around: Are we there yet?

Tanoliel: No. STOP ASKING.

TRYMWDBTFAWISA: Are we there yet?

Eärniel: No. STOP ASKING.

TRY... *screw it*: Are we there yet?

Entire TLA present: NO. STOP ASKING.

*And indeed, they would not be there yet, until dramatic necessity willed. MUHAHAHAHA!*

Tano: Shut up.

[Christiana]

OOC: lol. i have tears in my eyes from laughing at this...

IC:
*Yet it is said that despite being fairly disturbed by the insane young human he had seen, Morgoth looked not for the assult that came upon him from the West, which was a good thing because if he had he would have squashed it flat in less time than it takes to eat a chocolate bar.*

Christiana: Hey, shouldn't we be making some plans?

Eärniel: plans? what for?

Christiana: You know, tactics, attack strategies, ways to make sure we don't all die, that kind of stuff.

Tano: Hmmm.... lets eat some chocolate. A bit of caffine always helps

*Some time later...*

Christiana: Hey hey hey, I've got a great idea! lets write Morogoth a strongly worded letter informing him that, if he doesn't surrender, we will be forced to post signs all around Middle Earth saying what kind of underwear he has!! whadya think, huh, huh!?!

Tano: *giggles* cool!

Eärniel: cool!

Tano: I already said that!

[Willow Oran]

In Angband, many hours later...

Glor has destressed and thoroughly kicked some orcish arse. He and Maggie are now are their way to... to... well, they're on their way somewhere.

Glor:Right, now that you've been rescued, what sort of plot did you have in mind?

Maggie: Sabatoge. The Valar are never going to defeat Morgoth with their army and the rest of the TLA distracted by chocolate. We are going to fix that.

Glor: *sigh* How?

Maggie: Morgoth releis on numbers for victory, after all, you were able to take out how many orcs?

Glor: *smugly* Dozens.

Maggie: Right, all on your own, the only thing that's kept Morgoth's forces from being wiped out is their sheer overwhelming numbers. All we have to do is make sure that a good portion of his army is incapacitated during the main battle and he'll have no chance.

Glor: And we intend to do this and take care of this Nelson guy?

Maggie: We leave Nelson for last, he's going to be somewhat trickier.

Glor: If you insist. I could just run him through here and now though...

Maggie: Tempting, but there's the time-travel complication.

Glor: *mutters* This entire story is a time-travle complication...

Maggie: Glor, how are you at tampering with architecture?

Glor: *bigger sigh* Which ceilings did you want collapsed?

Maggie: *Grin* Just a few...

[Count Comfect]

*Among the TLA*

Earniel: Hey, since we know we can't get to where we want to go before "it is time," why don't we plan ahead? You know, for what we do when it IS time?

Tano: Um...

Arcala: Um...

All: We don't really do that much.

*But you just did. That was the caffeine and chocolate thing*

Earniel *with patience*: I know. That was kinda why I was suggesting it AGAIN. For REAL. NOW.

Tano: Oh.

GG: Well...

Arcala: I don't see why not...

*And so the TLA, minus of course those members not present, began to plot*

[Earniel]

*The TLA sit huddled together in a corner, plotting like there's no tomorrow, which incidentally may be very much the case if they can't manage to win this day. Only snippets can be heard of the plotting.*

Eärniel: ...and what if we do it this way....

Tano: Ohh! Yes! And then afterwards we can do....

Ren: ....idea. But we shouldn't forget to include the chicken soup. We could....

RYM: ...and maybe we could also...

Christiana: Mwahahah! They'd never see that one coming!

Orc#1: *taps on shoulder* Speaking of never see that one coming, we've been here for the last ten minutes!

Eärniel: *irritated* Yes, yes, we've seen you. Now go away. Can't you see we're in the middle of something important?

Orc#2: *on the verge of breaking down in tears* What can be more important that the War of Wrath? It'd be nice if you'd actually acknowledged our existance! This is no way to treat an enemy! We're the Valar-damned Army of Darkness! We demand respect!

Balrog: And if you don't mind, fighting would be nice too, you know. We don't have the whole friggin' day! I've got places to sack, people to smash! Anger management meetings!

Eärniel: *sighs dramatically and rolls eyes* Fine, fine. Cry babies. Eönwe, do you mind?

Eonwë: Don't mind if I do! *grabs trumpet and fills the sky with shouts of challege. AAAAA*breathes* TAAAAAAACK!

*All over the North the the hosts of the West spring to their feet and take their battle- positions at once. They are arrayed in forms young and fair, and terrible, and the moutains rang beneath their feet.*

Balrog: *sees row on row of Western Army coming his way* You know, one of these days I'm really going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut...

*And so the War of Wrath finally kicks off*

Eärniel: It's not fair, I wasn't done plotting yet!

*Oh, just hush and fight.*

[Count Comfect]

*And so they fight. And it's a good fight. A fun fight. And all the TLAers that have been quiet for a long time are proven just to have been biding their time for this battle. There are orc shish kabobs (Literally. There was a vendor with a stall and everything. Well, until he got... caught up in his own merchandise). There is a soccer game in one corner of the field, with orc heads conveniently taking the place of balls (What? The elves really don't like them). But onto this festive scene came...*

Earniel: Hey! We weren't done yet!

*Oh fine. Onto this festive scene would come...*

Earniel: AHEM.

*...*

Earniel: That's better *runs off to fight more*

[Lady Marion Magdalena]

Morgoth: *watching the fight* Mwahahahaha!!!!! You shall never defeat me for I am INVINCI-

*Suddenly there are many very loud noises and the foundations of Angband begin to crumble beneath him.*

Morgoth: -ble? Ah crap...

Glor: *standing with Maggie in the lower halls of the fortress, watching her light the fuses to the various interesting (and explosive) things they have rigged.* So how had you planned for us to escape when these things explode?

Maggie: Um... *pauses, looks at the now quickly burning fuses* Glor?

Glor: You didn't did you?

Maggie: Maybe we better run now.

Glor: Right.

*They run, very, very fast.*

[Count Comfect]

OOC: I'm going to trespass for a half-second on m'lady's plot, you don't mind. It's just a throwaway joke.

IC: *But of course, in the back of his mind, Glorfindel knew that, being a disembodied, invisible creature, he was actually safe. It was only for his more tangible companion that he feared*

Glor: I'll give you intangible *smacks narrator*

*Hey! Just for that, I won't read the next page.*

Glor: What's on the next page?

*Not telling. Anyway, you're a canon character. Couldn't tell if I wanted to.*

Glor: Not anymore I'm not. I'm supposed to be dead.

*So?*

Glor: So I'm no longer canon.

[metanarrator] While this argument has been going on, Maggie has snuck up behind the narrator. She now beans him on the head and takes his book [/metanarrator]

Maggie: That was getting annoying. *looks at the script* Coo. We get out.

Glor: Keep running anyway.

Maggie: I planned to.

*They run fast. Er.*

[klatukatt]

*Katt looked at the carnage and shuddered. Then she picked up the narrator and set him back at his pedistal, gave him his book, and made him read the last two sentences.*

Katt: You owe me one.

*You betcha. Now go have fun.*

Katt: Good.

*Katt arrived in Morgoth's fortress to find utter chaos. Morgoth and a ton of mini-balrgogs were retreating to the dungeons where it was more stable, because bits of masonry kept falling and squashing the mini's with a squeaky sound.*

Morgoth: Aaa! The SKY is falling! The SKY is falling! Run away! *Runs and hides*

Katt: *sadly* Oh Morgoth, what a pitiful dictator you have become. But if you are here, then where is Nelson?

*Nelson was safe in his steel inforced concrete bunker just down the way. He was safe, but he was not happy.*

Nelson: Soccer? They are playing SOCCER with my ARMY?

Katt: Yes. It seems that by some design flaw the orcs are made up entirely of air filled patches of rubber cloth.

Nelson: Ah. You're back. You see how your army has failed you?

Katt: Well, you know. I'm just here to see that "plot happens."

Nelson: Well this little trick won't be in the plot. It's time to do things my way. *presses little BLUE button (ha! You didn't expect THAT one, didja?)*

Katt: Yes, your way is fun. *pulls out revolver*

*Back on the "soccer" field, the good guys were feeling better than good. They were feeling SPECTACULAR. Everyone except...*

Eärniel: Hey you guys, I need to check on something--

Tano: BALROG BEHIND YOU!

Eärniel: Woah!

*Eärniel turned just as the whip was coming down but then something went pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and the balrog turned to dust.*

Eärniel: Woah! What was that?

Gimrina: A fire extinguisher.

Eärniel: Who are you?

Gimrina: I'm from your future.

Tano: No, you're from our past. Eärniel, remember when we were fighting at the Battle of Headphone's Deep?

Eärniel: Oh yeah.

Gimrina: But that's in the future.

Tano: Yeah, but it's in our past.

Eärniel: Whatever you guys. Can you just gather the TLA?

RYM: We're here, what's the problem?

Eärniel: Well, you know how in the Sil—

Tano: Didn’t read it.

Eärniel: What?

Christina: Too wordy.

Gimrina: Oh you guys are pathetic. A far cry from TLAers in MY day.

Tano: We ARE the TLAers from YOUR day! We are the ones that Bothered to SHOW UP for the Sil!

Gimrina: Whatever. *Stalks off to slay the other balrogs*

RYM: You mean, there is a place where this is all written out?

Eärniel: YES! Anyway, in the Sil, at this same part, everything was going swell for the good guys who were kicking orc ass, until Morgoth unleashed the dragons.

RYM: Hey, I see a parallel! We are the good guys, and we are kicking major orc ass, that means we’ll get to fight dragons soon.

Tano: However, our Morgoth is a little p*ssy who’s only back bone is whatever Nelson decides to give him.

Christina: You don’t think he’ll try to change the Plot, do you?

*Suddenly there was a rumbling underfoot. The TLA climbed to the top of the hill and stared. Eonwë was staring too. He walked over to the TLA.*

Eonwë: Sorry to disturb your “meeting,� but I wondered if you knew what those things were.

Tano: Those are tanks. I suggest we duck and hide.

*The TLA did, and yelled to the rest of the armies too as well. Um, for the sake of our younger viewers, we are going to leave the flying guts and people in despair for a moment and shift to a dramatic scene in Nelson’s bunker where we promise there will be no blood at all. Well, maybe just a little.*

*Katt had duct-taped Nelson to a chair, which, in her opinion, was a very suitable position for him. She aimed the revolver at Nelson with a slight maniacal grin. Nelson grinned bigger.*

Nelson: How can I say this without using a cliché? Oh well, I can’t. YOU CAN’T STOP ME! I’LL NEVER CALL THEM BACK! YOU’RE FRIENDS ARE DEAD! MUAH HA HA HA!

Katt: That was very good. But I’m not going to dignify that with a witty yet hackneyed response. I let my actions speak for me.

*Katt suddenly pulled out of her pocket the One Cell Phone of Power.*

Nelson: Where did you get that?

Katt: From the future. It hasn’t been made yet. But then, you don’t know anything about the TLA, do you? *dials* Hey Human. Attack plan Charlie. Engage. *Ends call and smiles at Nelson* You’re games ARE more fun.

*On the battle field, the men and elves have both suffered many casualties. The TLA were now acting as a MASH unit.*

RYM: Woah. I wasn’t expecting so much blood.

Eärniel: I’ve READ this and I STILL wasn’t expecting it.

Tano: Yeah. War sucks.

Christina: Um guys? Do you think we’ll make it?

*The rumbling from machinery increased and some of it sounded like it was coming from the air. Suddenly a squadron of 30 F-15C “Eagles� came into sight.*

Tano: Aaah!

RYM: What?

Tano: My ass is vibrating. *pulls cell phone out of back pocket* Where did this come from? *answers* Hello?

Phone: Hi Tano! It’s Human! Oh wait, I’m Eagle Squadron Leader over the phone. Why don’t you get all those elves somewhere safe so we can blast these tanks, eh?

Tano: Human! Thank Eru! We’ll get everyone back to our MASH unit!

Phone: Um, can you get a little farther away than that? We kinda got some radioactive ammunition… Oops! Gotta go!

Tano: Oh ****.

Eärniel: What did she say?

Tano: Radioactivity.

RYM: And that’s… bad?

Tano: Yes.

Maggie: Hi guys.

Christina: Aaah! Where did you two come from?

Glor: Two? You mean you can see me?

Tano: Well, duh. How did you get around the tanks?

Maggie: What tanks? Oh, those tanks.

Glor: We just came out of the ground over there.

Christina: Sweet! A tunnel! We’ve got to get everyone inside.

Glor: Why?

Tano, Eärniel, RYM, & Christina: RADIOACTIVITY.

Maggie: Oh ****.

*The TLA climb to the top of the hill and try to get everyone’s attention. Unfortunately, most of them were distracted by the “Eagles.�*

Eärendil: COOOL! I want one!

*Just as he said that, one of them landed right in front of him. It had the name Thorndor printed on it in big gold letters.*

Eärendil: SWEET! *flies off* WHEEE!

TLA: EVERYONE INSIDE THIS TUNNEL!

Eonwë: Why? We’re just about to win.

RYM: Why ask why?

TLA: RADIOACTIVITY!

Eonwë: We’re immortal, immune to sickness and disease; just not impervious to arrows.

*The TLA looked at each other uncertainly.*

Maggie: Do you think?

Eärniel: I’m thinking glowing elves.

RYM: Now that’s an interesting theory.

Glor: Glowing?

Tano: I, for one, am NOT an elf. I’m going inside.

*The rest of the TLA followed.*

[Earniel]

*The TLA quietly trudge through the tunnel and enter Morgoth's underground lair. The ceiling got tired of falling to bits and finally settled for the occasional ominous creaking, and falling dust and pebbles. Eventually the TLA spot the Great and Evilly Powerful Overlord of Arda, not so great and evilly powerful anymore for the moment, but more whining like a little kid that is denied a lolly while hiding under the couch.*

Tano: Soooo, how do we actually capture him? Him being evil and all I doubt he'd listen to the whole speech about rights and silence that you usually hear in police shows when they're arresting someone.

Ren: Well, isn't there supposed to be an unbreakable chain with which the Valar tied him up earlier?

Eärniel: There was one in the script, but Aulë got distracted so he didn't make it, remember? They used Varda's underwear instead.

Glor: Thank you Eärniel, that was a mental image I could have done without!

Eärniel: You should be one to talk, Mr. Honey-dip!

Maggie: *grins happily* Oh, yeah... the honey...

Christiana:*snaps fingers* Focus, people! We've got a rogue Vala to tie up!

Morgoth: *still under the couch* Could you kindly take the conversation elsewhere and leave me to cower under my couch in peace? This is still my evil lair, you know! Besides, Morgoth is not into bondage with lady-underwear, unlike some kinky Elves...

Glor: And again, there's a mental image I could have done well without...

Morgoth: Well, I'm supposed to be evil, remember?

Eärniel: I've had it, let's just pelt him with empty chocolate wrappers.

*Pelting ensues. Soon there is a very large mountain of various kinds of chocolate wrappers forming over the place where Morgoth was last seen.*

*But somewhere in another universe, in an undescribed building, in a random room a console starts beeping alarmingly. The words "Bad Role Play detected! Error! Error! Please reboot universe!" start flashing on its monitor.*