Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Count Comfect]

*And lo, the exiles did wander to and fro in the land, and their suffering would be great*

Random Young Tuor: Ah, no, sorry there. That's not true.

*What? Who is the narrator here?*

RYT: Not you, if you don't shut up. In case you didn't notice, we apparently still have Glorfindel with us.

*Yes. Your point?*

RYT: My point is that he might actually know where we're going. Well, him and Voronwe.

*Aha.*

RYT: Yes, and so, I think we can skip the terrible starvation and death and head right to the Land of Willows, m'kay?

*Fine by me. As long as I get to keep my job.*

RYT: Oh, sure thing.

*And lo, the exiles did go directly to the Land of Willows, with the aid of Glorfindel, and Voronwe who had pinched a map from Gondolina ere it fell.*

[klatukatt]

*So they avoided much pain and suffering.*

Katt: Godsdamn! Someone is in trouble!

Morgoth: Sauron...

Katt: And it's me...

Morgoth: I thought you said you could control them.

Katt: I didn't actually say anything. I may have said I had influence--

Morgoth: Nelson, how long until we can make another attack?

Nelson: Not for several years. The orcs have apparently settled down and started small marketing firms, *smirks at Katt* an interesting feature, and we only had twelve balrogs to begin with.

Morgoth: Brilliant. *Grabs Katt* You will go home and make more, without silly modifications!

Nelson: Sir, if you will allow me to make my army again without interference, it will be much more effective in our next battle. Do not let this child spoil everything. Again.

Katt: Yes, let me go. I can be a spy for you, far away from where I can do any damage.

Morgoth: Why do you want to go?

Katt: Someone neeeded to die in the plot and didn't. Your chances are diminished with every person that does not die.

Morgoth: Fine, go.

Nelson: How do you know she won't betray you?

Morgoth: I know she is passionate about revenge.

*So Katt was released to follow the TLA and to revenge the departure from the plot.*

OOC: Jeeze, I have George Lucas's talent for writing dialouge right now. It doesn't help that we're watching Star Wars in class. I'll probably rewrite it later, but you get the idea.

[Count Comfect]

OOC: I love me some Katt dialogue
IC:
*And after a very nice, refreshing time at the Land of the Willows, the refugees moved on to the Sirion's Mouth. And there life was happy, bright and joyous*

Glorfindel: Random Young Tuor, could I talk to you for a minute?

RYT: Sure. Wassup?

Glor: Could you please not use that colloquialism? Thank you. Anyway, I keep getting this feeling something is watching me.

RYT: *looks around* Naaaaah.

Glor: You sure?

RYT: Yeah.

*Yet behind them, where he had not looked, two eyes were clearly visible.*

[Earniel]

*Meanwhile some other place at the Sirion's Mouth, the TLA are trying to get Eärendil and Elwing together.*

Eärendil: But I really have to be going, mother was expecting me for-

Eärniel: Hush now. This will only take a moment. You'll thank me for it later.

*Eärniel drags him to a room where Elwing is already waiting.*

Eärniel: Ah, Elwing, I want you to meet someone. This is Eärendil, son of RYT and Idril, but don't hold that against him. Eärendil, this is Elwing. Isn't she quite a looker? Oh my, look at the time, I really have to be going! Bye!

Eärendil: Erm, Eärniel, you should know-

Eärniel: *interrupts* There's chocolate and tea in the kitchen. Have fun!

*Eärniel slips out the door, leaving both Elves inside. The tell-tale sound of a key in a lock is heard. Elwing looks at Eärendil who shrugs and takes a seat.*

Eärniel: *outside the room* So there, if that doesn't get those two together, I don't know what will. A room, some chocolate, some privacy... That's should do the trick.

Miriam: *scratches head* I don't know, Eärniel. I've got the feeling you're just trying too hard...

Eärniel: *firmly* Nonsense. Since Maggie managed to keep Glorfy alive, we have to make sure all other things go smoothly. Trust me on this one.

Idril: *comes along* Miriam, Eärniel, have you seen my son lately?

Eärniel: *puts hand over Miriam's mouth* Er...no. Haven't seen him all day, really.

Idril: *sighs* Where is that boy? And just when everybody is assembled in the Great hall so he could announce his engagement to Elwing!

*Idril pauses as she hears an odd, repetitive thudding sound. She turns around and looks at Eärniel and Miriam in slight puzzlement.*

Idril:*finally asks* Do all TLA-members frequently bang their heads against the wall?

Miriam: *has too much trouble to keep from laughing to answer*

Eärniel: *between thuds* Only those who have just outsmarted themselves.

[klatukatt]

*And the wedding was announced, after Eärniel beguiled Idril by "magically" producing her son. Everything was going well, except for one disgruntled bystander.*

Katt: It was Glor's OWN idea to trick his way out of his death, not the TLA, so I'll just make HIM suffer. He's not supposed to be here, so I figure a little black magic will do the trick.

*Katt quickly built her spell, aimed, and fired. Glorfindel felt a slight tingling on his back, and he turned around to see which TLA member had pinched his bottom, again. There was no one there. The audience was clapping and the speach was over.*

OOC: Crap, got to go. I just turned Glorfie invisible to everyone except TLAers. Invisible in a Neverwhere kind of way. He is a physical being, except no one notices him or knows who he is. Except TLAers of course. Have fun

[Christiana]

*Meanwhile, Christiana had managed to pillfer a copy of the Silmarillion from one of her ffellow TLA members. She flipped through it, looking for more oppurtunities to completely mangle the plot*

Christiana *to RYT*: hey, are you feeling kinda tired?

RYT: what?

Christa: you know, kinda old and world weary?

RYT: umm... no

Christa: c'mon, isn't there a longing for the sea rooted deep in your heart?

RYT: what?

Christa:ya know, wouldn't you like to be rid of us?

RYT: YES!!!

Christa: ok, here is a boat. its name is Eärráme, or penguin's wing

RYT: what?

Christa: just take Idril and get on

RYT: why?

Christa: trust me *smiles innocently*

RYT: okaaaaaaay......

Christa: *grins evily*

[Count Comfect]

OOC: Actually, I'd kinda like to still be around. But we have an extraneous Tuor.

IC:
*Out of the air around Random Young Tuor*

Voice: Helllooooooooooo.

RYT: Ulmo?

Voice: Yeeeeeeeeeeessssss. I'm taaaaaaking your booooooat.

RYT: Why?

Voice: Tuooooooooor waaaaants it. It's his biiiiiiiiiiiiirthday. Precious.

RYT: Deal. Take it.

*And so Eärráme left without RYT*

[Earniel]

*And while the people at the Sirion's Mouth have a big honking wedding party, only clouded by the odd disappearance of Glorfindel...*

Glorfindel: I'm still *right* here!

*Sigh. It would be so much easier if I didn't have to see and hear you. After all nobody else but the TLA can see you. But nooo, that dratted Saurokatt had to include ME in that spell as well...*

Glorfindel: I'm betting it would be a lot easier too if you continued narrating instead of complaining all the time.

*I rest my case. Now, as I was saying... Meanwhile, in some other place, the very few surviving children of Fëanor - who have been grossly ignored for the last few pages- want another shot at the lime light.*

Claedhros: That's right!

*WHY do people continue to interrupt me? I've had it! Do your own narrating for a change!*

*sounds of narrator leaving the building*

Claedhros: Uh-uh...

Maglor: Now you've done it, mate.

Claedhros: Um... well then... *nervously takes over narrating for a moment* Fëanor's sons decide that attacking Morgoth is too much bother, so they go after the only one sillymaril that isn't in his hands. Of course, the selfish bastards at the Mouths of the Sirion don't want to let go of it. So, um... what were we going to do again?

Maglor: Attack them and get the sillymaril back by force?

Claedhros: Ah, right! Let's go.

*That was the worst narrating I've seen in the three games I've spend with you people... I'll better stick around before all quality around here hits rock-bottom*

[Willow Oran]

Willow: *pokes Glor* Get packing.

Glor: What? Why?

Willow: Pack, we're leaving. Plotly stuff that you need to be far, far away from is about to happen.

Glor: You could have said so to begin with. Where are we going? From what I'v heard plotly stuff will be happening all over the continent.

Willow: Not for a few decades. And that's not plotly, that's just flooding.

Glor: Joy. We're down to decades now?

Willow: Yup. Which is why we're leaving.

Glor: Yes, we've established that, I repeat, where to?

Willow: Oh right. We're going north. We still have to get rid of Nelson and since you're invisible and supposedly dead right now I figured it might be a good idea to bring you along.

Glor: Does this mean I have to put off my vacation?

Willow: Yes.

Glor: And fight more?

Willow: Yes.

Glor: *sigh* I'll go get packing shall I?

Willow: Yes. Go. Meet me at the stables.

*She leaves and Glor goes to pack.*

OOC: Well that was boring... oh well, better than nothing.

[klatukatt]

*Meanwhile, Sauronkatt was still plotting revenge...*

Katt: No I'm not.

*What?*

Katt: I give up. My character isn't even mentioned until the Second Age. So I lead part of the army in the big battle comming up. So what? I might as well just go to sleep until I can do some real corrupting.

*That is no way for a villian to talk.*

Katt: A good villian knows her time to strike.

*But you just can't leave the TLA.*

Katt: Why not? They are my enemies. I should let them fend for themselves.

*Against Mr. Nelson?*

Katt: Sure. A looming, cool headed meglomaniac should be no trouble to a bunch of chocolate crazed teenage girls.

*Glorfindel is still alive you know,*

Katt: Good, he and Nelson can finish each other off.

*Then there is Willow,*

Katt: Look, I don't care! They can take care of their part of the plot, and I can take care of mine. They just better hope the PPC doesn't come looking for trouble.

*D'you think they would?*

Katt: They sure might. Mr. Nelson is in direct violation of many ordinances, and while this isn't exactly fanfiction, the might come and give us a hefty fine.

*Well, how much is a hefty fine?*

Katt: Hefty as in weighted with explosives. You know, that doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Nelson's got all these tanks around, I'm sure I can make some sort of bomb out of spare materials.

*Uh oh, wait! Come back! This is not good. I just let a dangerous plot deviance walk away free.*

OOC: That felt good. The narrator can be quite a psychiatrist sometimes.

[Christiana]

lol. sorry i cant think of anything to say right now. i wont be able to post for a while since ill be in the San Juan's for two weeks. hope to post when I get back! hope Ive packed enough chocolate!

[Earniel]

Eärniel: Allright, done packing?

Christiana: Yes, but remind me where we're going again? Willow and Glorfy are going the other way, you know.

Eärniel: *sighs* Look, we're going to sneak aboard Eärendil's boat. That boy needs watching over.

Christiana: *innocent tone* Watching over like he needed you to arrange him meeting Elwing?

Eärniel:* clearly doesn't want to be reminded of that little incident* Yes!

Christiana: Forget I asked. But why is Willow going to other side then?

Eärniel: Willow and Glorfy want to take on Mr. Nelson already. We, on the other hand, have to make sure the back-up from Valinor arrives before they meet a horrible death.

Christiana: Sooo, this has nothing to do with the fact you want to be far away from here when the sons of Fëanor come knocking and rain death and destruction on the Mouth of the Sirion?

Eärniel: *coughs guility* Of course not. What ever gave you that idea?

Christiana: I have no idea. I mean I would definitely never accuse you of cowardice...

Eärniel: *looks at Christiana piercingly* I have the vague feeling you're using sarcasm on me.

Christiana: Me? Naaaaah. Never.

Eärniel: *unconvinced* Hmmm... Anyway, let's go, the others are already on board.

*Unnoticed by Eärendil, the two TLA-members sneak on board. Next stop: The Shadowy Seas arounf Valinor.*

[Christiana]

Christiana: hey, should we bring Miriam along?

Eärniel: no! remember how seasick she gets?

Christa: good point. Hey, did you bring enough chocolate and miruvour?

Eärniel: just what we need, meeting the Lords of the West drunk!

Christa: your point is?

Eärniel: well...

[klatukatt]

*To recap, we have the Exiles of Gondolin sitting tight next to this estuary here (where the salt shaker is), unaware that the Sons of Fëanor are heading down this river towards them (that's the spoon dear), meanwhile Eärendil is sailing away to the west out of the bay (the napkin shaped boat, that is really clever actually), Elwing is brooding, and that takes care of the cannon characters. As for the TLAers, Willow and Glorfindel (who is not cannon because he is supposed to be dead) are currently riding east to the Fortress of Nelson (see where the two peas are rolling towards the lump of mashed potatoes?), Eärniel and Christina have hidden themselves away on Eärendil's ship, and that leaves Miriam all alone to face the Sons of Fëanor.*

Miriam: What? What happened to Random Young Tuor and some of the others who we haven't seen for a while?

*Oh, RYT is still around, but it is you who must sway the balance and prevent the Sillymaril from being taken.*

Miriam: What are you talking about?

*You must council Elwing on what to do. More, I cannot say, for it would interfere with destiny.*

Miriam: You realize that I have SRNSMs in my bag, don't you?

*What are--*

Miriam: Short Range Narrator Seeking Missiles.

*And where--*

Miriam: Rocks. From Christina.

*Ok, here. These are the pages from the Script that you will need.*

Miriam: *takes pages out of air* Hey thanks. You see what we can accomplish when we work together?

[Earniel]

*Aboard Eärendil's ship several TLA'ers have hidden themselves among the different cabins to avoid early detection. Meanwhile, in the cabin Eärniel and Christiana share: *

Eärniel: *with ear pressed against bulkhead* I think Eärendil is casting off the lines. We'll soon be out of the harbour!

Christiana: Great! Say, did any of us happen to tell Miriam what she was going to face when she stayed behind?

Eärniel: No, I don't think so. Should we have?

Christiana: Well, shouldn't she at least have known she had a choice between facing the perils of the mercyless, bottomless shadowy seas and certain death by the hands of Fëanor's sons?

Eärniel: It's a little late for that, I suppo- wait, what? What perils of the mercyless, bottomless shadowy seas?

Christiana: *sharply* You did read the script, didn't you?

Eärniel:*embarrassed* I may have skipped through it... I thought we were in for a pleasant cruise to Valinor.

Christiana: You did not!

Eärniel: Erm, yes... And Christiana?

Christiana: Yes?

Eärniel: I get seasick too...

Christiana: *horrified* What? You're a Sea Elf!

Eärniel: *upset* That never stopped me before!

Christiana: *hits head with palm* This is going to be a long voyage...

*Meanwhile, at the harbour where Miriam and Elwing are waving goodbye to Eärendil's ship.*

Claedhros' emisary: *walks up and tips hat* Lady Elwing, my master Claedhros demands the return of the Sillymaril that is rightfully his. Otherwise he'll attack. Be wise, mylady and hand over the jewel.

Elwing: *fingers Sillymaril on necklace* 'Rightfully his' is left open for discussion, I reckon. But anyway, I won't give up my family's heirloom until my lord orders me so.

Emisary: And where is he, mylady?

Elwing: *points to disappearing ship* You've just missed him.

Emisary: *hits head with palm* This is going to be a long day...

Miriam: *leaves quickly through script* Don't remind me...

[Willow Oran]

*Meanwhile Willow and Glorfy are riding towards Angband, also known as the local Fortress of Dooooooom. The surrounding landscape is bleak, wartorn, and generally unpleasent. They make little noise, for they are being surreptitious.*

Horses: *CLIP-CLOP, CLIP-CLOP, CLIP-CLOP...*

Willow: Darn these horses are loud.

Glorfy: *Glares at horses*

Willow: And kinda slow.

Glorfy: *Glares at horses*

Horses: *clippety, clippety, clippety...*

[Earniel]

Claedhros: So Elwing won't give up the Sillymaril? Women... Fine then. AAA-TAAACK!!

*Claedhros' army march forward unto the Mouths of the Sirion.*

Elwing: Crap. I'm out of here! Ulmo, a little help? *jumps of cliff*

Miriam: Wait for me! I'm coming too. *halts at cliff edge* On second thought, I'm not that stupid to go jumping of cliffs just yet. I'll talk my way out of this. I hope.

Claedhros: *comes riding on horse, dressed in fancy armour* Where is Elwing!?

Miriam: *points to cliff edge* You just missed her. She took the pretty necklace too.

Claedhros: *annoyed* You do know what befalls the bringer of bad news, don't you? *raises sword*

Miriam: *swallows* Um, no, but I'm guessing it's something to avoid... But really, you can't kill me, you know. I can help you. I mean, look at you: you're so full of issues. You obviously have a problem with your father, some very agressive behaviour... I'm betting you have some interesting complexes too. Honestly you need a shrink and guess what I am? *smiles convincingly*

*And so Miriam talks her way out of being slaughtered and Claedhros and Maglor take her and Elwing's son with them. But they have failed to find the Sillymaril or Elwing.

Elwing was rescued Valar Ex Machina by Ulmo when she jumped in sea and was transformed into a penguin to fly after Eärendil... A penguin with a jet pack of course.*

No honestly! Do you think anyone is daft enough to make this up?!*

[klatukatt]

OOC: Wait, who is Claedhros? Are we talking about Feanor's sons? Out of the seven, the three that start with C are already dead, so all we have left are two M's and two A's.

[Count Comfect]

OOC: HA! Gotcha! Found my Silmarillion. Finally.

IC:
*And Eärendil sailed on towards Valinor. Only to be overtaken by a very confused penguin. With a jet pack*

E: PENGUINS DON'T FLY!

*Hence the jetpack*

E: Right. Oof.

*And the penguin collided with Eärendil. And as it he took it in the breast, he doubled over in pain. And as he bent over, his wife Elwing, full of concern, revealed herself to him*

Elwing: Oops. Sorry.

*More concern*

Elwing: OOPS. SORRY.

*And so was the Sillymaril delivered from the hands of the sons of Feänor and returned to Eärendil*

[Earniel]

Christiana: What's all that racket on deck?

Eärniel: Let's have a look. *leaves cabin and peeks through deck hatch* Um, Elwing, he's going to breathe a lot easier once you've removed that jet pack. I think it's sort of crushing him.

Elwing: What? Oh, crap. *removes jet pack from slightly blueish husband* Better now?

Eärendil: *wheezes* Thank you. Wait a minute, what are you doing here?

Elwing: *pouts* I take it you're not glad to see me then.

Eärendil: Not you, dearest. Her! *points to Eärniel*

Eärniel: Oops. Um... being illegal stow-aways?

Elwing: Stow-aways? How many of you are there?

Eärniel: Oh, a couple...

Eärendil: *sighs* I might have known...

*And so Eärendil, with his wife at his side, and the TLA eating his last chocolate supplies, decides not to return home, on account on no longer having one. So he turned against to the West, the Sillymaril bound on his forehead. The Vingelot sailed between the Enchanting Islands, and escaped the enchantment. They ventured over the Shadowy Seas but the light of the Sillymaril rendered the shadows harmless. They passed Tol Eresseä but did not tarry there, much to Eärniel's regret (she swore she had seen cacao-trees on it). And so at last they saw the lands of Valinor*