Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Count Comfect]

*On their way to see Turgon*

Random Young Tuor: How long is this going to TAKE!

Ecthelion: We dare not take a gondola, for we fear, despite of my surety in thy message, that thou mightest still be a spy, who would steal the gondola and escape to Morgoth.

*As RYT is about to complain, Miriam whispers in his ear*

Miriam: Look, I've been around these zanies for a while. It's just a plot-building walk so that we can arrive at the same moment as everyone else at the key location.

RYT: You mean at the throne room?

Miriam: In this case, yes.

Ecthelion: Behold! The throne room of Turgon, mightiest of kings, Lord of the Hidden City of Gondolina, High Commander of the Waterways of Rock, and Elected President of the Gondoleers Union Local One!

[Earniel]

Eärniel: We've made it just in time! There they are.

Arcala: Funny how we all turned up here at the same time. I wonder...

Tano: Are you expecting a certain plot twist?

Arcala: *shurgs* I don't know. We've been apart for a very long time since we split up in that VCR-remote accident. I just wonder if it significant.

*And Arcala is again not far from the truth (and no, she didn't bribe me to look better in the narration. Honest!) because in Morgoth's evil lair, Mr. Nelson turns his spy cameras to Gondolina once again.*

Mr Nelson: Finally! All those pesky TLA in one place! The opportunity is too good. Launch the tanks and canons for Gondolina!

Random orc: Um... that will be a bit difficult, Mr. Nelson, sir. All the weaponry has suffered an odd break down...

Mr. Nelson: What?! My pretty assault weapons! No! Then what have we left to attack Gondolina with?

Random orc: We've got plenty of dragons and balrogs that Saurokatt made for us before she disappeared. But it's going to be a few years before they're fully grown, sir.

Mr. Nelson: *sighs deeply* Fine, I'll wait a couple of years then until my assault dragons are fully grown.

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

*Twaz the decade before the fall of Gondolina
and all through the throne room
The TLA was huddled
awaiting the soond
of the great Turgon--*

Katt: Hey! You can't rhyme like that!

*Can too. I just got my artistic lisence.*

Katt: Well I'll be fu--

Uzzai-poo: WRAK!

Katt: Anyway, Sauronkatt was wondering about and decided to go listen to the king.

*That's my job.*

Katt: Fine then. Make him speak.


OOC: Whoops, I have nothing to say. I just wanted to show you all that I ABANDONED my whole thing with wazzurface. I should probably delete most of that post. But now I'm with you guys.

[Willow Oran]

Maggie: Ecthelion? Earniel do I need to loan you that honey?

Earniel: *doesn't answer, is too busy admiring Ecthelion*

Maggie: I'll take that as a yes then...

Glor: *ambles into the throne room after them* So, anything important happen yet.

Maggie: About to.

Glor: Ah. It's one of those moments.

Maggie: Yup.

Glor: Must be really important to warrent such a long dramatic pause before starting the speeches.

Maggie: Actually the puase is probably more so that Tuor and Idril have enough time to go gooey eyed over eachother.

Glor: *Glances at Tuor and then Idril and grimaces* I think you may be right about that one. Enough of this.

*He strides forward*

Glor: Hail Ecthelion! What strangers have you brought with you?

[Count Comfect]

Ecthelion: Hail, Glorfindel. I bring with me three from other lands: Voronwë, known to us of old; a woman of unknown provenance; and this young man who claims the protection of Ulmo and has stated that he bears a message for our king.

Turgon: Why is it, Ecthelion, you have seen fit to bring them before us upon such slim justification as this?

Ecthelion: He has convinced me, sire, that what he says is true.

Turgon: Well, let him say on.

*Silence*

Miriam *stage whisper*: Oi! You! Stop staring at the girl like a git, and tell her FATHER what you're here for.

*Random Young Tuor visibly starts*

RYT: Her father. Shoooot. Right. Tuuuuuuurgon, Loooooord of Goooooooondolina, city of the waaaaaaaaaaterwaaaaaaaays, I bring you tiiiiiiidings from Ulmoooooooo, Loooooord of the Waaaaaaters. It is hiiiis desiiiiire that you doooo reveeeeeal yooooooour city, and fiiiiiight the eeeeeeeeevil that is Mooooorgoth. If you dooooo this, he pleeeeeeedges to aaaaaaaaid your efforts. I have spoken.

Turgon: What of this? I sent messengers through Cirdan the Shipwright towards Valinor in times past, and no reply had I. I deem this speech to be no true advice, and therefore will I keep my own counsel and my city shall remain hidden. But as you have come in good faith to deliver your message, stay with us and be our guest.

RYT: *drools*

Miriam: *rolls her eyes* Idiot. He's her FATHER.

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: I will NOT let it die! I promise!

*And so Random Young Tuor gets a chance to settle down and meet the charming young Idril. Heh heh. Meanwhile...*

Miriam: *sneaks up behind Eärniel and grabs her* It's time we had another meeting. Gather the others.

Eärniel: Which others?

Miriam: The others of the TLA.

Eärniel: Does Random Young Tuor count?

Miriam: No.

Eärniel: Does Sauronkatt count?

Miriam: Yes.

Eärniel: Does Glorfindel count?

Miriam: Absolutly not.

Eärniel: Does--

Miriam: Just gather them, all right?

*Twenty seconds later, heeding the call of the script, the TLA was seated in one of the many unused meeting rooms in Gondolina.*

[Count Comfect]

Miriam: I've called you all here to discuss...

Tano: I thought Eärniel called us here.

Willow: Actually, Tano told me, so I thought...

Tano: No, remember, Eärniel told us bot...

Eärniel: O, that's right, I did...

Miriam: WHATEVER. You're all here. I want to talk to you about something very important.

*And so she did*

OOC: Someone else decide what. I don't know. Thanks, Katt, for not letting it die.

[Willow Oran]

Maggie: So... what exactly did you want to discuss?

Miriam: Well, it's been a while since we last met and we've gone through several battles *twitch* since and I thought it might be a good idea if we took some time to check in with each other, as long as we're all here...

Earniel: You want to make sure we haven't gotten crazier than we were.

Miriam: Yeah.

Tano: Um... how about we talk about you. How are you taking all this?

Miriam: Well, I...

Ren: Have we convinced you that it's a good obsession yet?

Miriam: Er...

Earniel: Please say yes. After this there's nothing more we can do to convince you.

Miriam: Actually, I am enjoying this. This story seems to be longer than the others. And a little more confused. But I actually having fun, sort of. I like it here anyway.

Maggie: Of course you do. Gondolina was one of the best cities the elves built.

Miriam: It seems to have made you saner.

SauronKatt: Yeah, you know, we need to talk about that 'was' that Maggie just mentioned.

Miriam: Was? You mean?

Sauronkatt: Yeah, now that RYT is here, Godnolina is gonna die soon.

Miriam: How soon?

Maggie: About ten years? I think, the story isn't quite clear on that point, but Earendil is seven when the city... and he won't be born for another few years so... yeah, tenish.

Miriam: And we're going to be here when it does?

Tano: Looks that way, it's sort of imporatant.

Christiana: Look on the bright side, you'll have lots of counselling to do afterwards.

Miriam: I see. Right, well, we'll deal with that when we get there I guess. I'm glad you told me about that.

Earniel: So we're done here?

Miriam: Mmhm.

Earniel: Good, I'm gonna go bug Ecthelion.

Tano: I think I'll come with you.

Ren: Christiana, wnat to find the kitchens?

Christiana: Sure.

Miriam: I'll go check on RYT.

Maggie: See ya'll later then.

*All leave except Sauronkatt and Maggie*

Sauronkatt: You stay, I need to talk to you.

Maggie: About? I was just going to go see if Glor was up for a hair cut.

Sauronkatt: Maggie! You know the rules. No changing anything.

Maggie: *sigh* Yah. I know the rules. It's just... who's to say if it would really make a difference or not, and if I didn't at least try, I mean, can you really ask me to do that?

Sauronkatt: I know, it stinks.

Maggie: It's just so tempting! I mean, think about it. A few minutes with some scissors or even just a hair tie or two and it could be the deciding factor between life and death for him!

Sauronkatt: Look you know it isn't permanent. You know he comes back and you know that in order for him to do what he will do later on he has to die here!

Glor: *pushing open the door* Who has to die?

Maggie: Ah... no one yet.

Glor: Yet?

Maggie: Yet.

Sauronkatt: You want me to explain?

Maggie: No.

Glor: Explain what?

Maggie: Nothing.

Glor: *gives her a Look, but dosn't push for an explaination* If you say so.

Maggie: I do say so. Did you need me for something?

Glor: I was coming to walk you back. There are some in this city who may be... unfriendly towards humans at the moment.

Maggie: I'll be right there.

*He leaves*

Sauronkatt: It's starting.

Maggie: I know.

[Count Comfect]

*And so it came to pass as time went on, while Mr. Nelson toiled secretly to reinforce his army to destroy the mighty towers of Gondolina, some hormones did advance into the brains of Idril and of Random Young Tuor.*

RYT: Um...

Idril: Yes?

RYT: Um...

Idril: Yes?

RYT: Um...I like you. *runs off*

*And a bit more time had to pass before she could get anything more sensible from him. But soon enough they were wedded. Maeglin was not happy. No sir, no way*

Maeglin: And no how, either.

*Excuse me, this is MY narration*

Maeglin: Fine. I'm steamed. Can we MOVE ON?

*Um... sure. Now, things were not to be tranquil as they did seem upon that wedding day*

Maeglin: *grins* Now, that's more like it!

*For Nelson's troops were very near to hand, although not quite prepared for a fight*

[Willow Oran]

*For they were still unsure of the exact location of Gondolina and the way of getting there. They would not find this out for seven more years and in that seven years there was much that needed to happen.*

Baby Earendil: Waaaaaaaaaa!

*Like that.*

Willow: Does this mean we have to do more babysitting?

Idril&RYT: NO!

RYT: After all, TLAers babysat Maeglin.

Idril: And look how he turned out.

*And so the Lords of Gondolina were doomed to baby sit for the pair of picky parents.*

Glor: *knocks back a shot of vodka*

[Count Comfect]

RYT & Idril: *whew* Thought he'd never go for the babysitting idea. Even a drunk Elf-Lord is better than the TLA.

*And while Glorfindel was quietly wishing that Elves COULD die of natural causes, so he could avoid this babysitting gig without suicide, Maeglin was EVEN MORE pissed*

Maeglin: First I don't get the girl, then she and that bloody BOY use me as an example of what they don't want their child to grow up like? I've had it!

*And although a few more plot points were to be covered in Gondolina, Maeglin took what would become a very Looong walk*

Elemmakil:*guarding the gate* Hey, there, Maeglin. What gives?

Maeglin: Just getting a bit o' fresh air. It's so stuffy in here.

El: Here meaning... Gondolina? *scratches head* Wha???

Maeglin: Oh, just let me out *runs out*

El: Oh shoot. I'll have to report him missing.

*But he would have trouble finding his superior, as he was babysitting, and so the plot could advance*

OOC: For those who don't know, we've got a new discussion thread, due to new reply-limits, and it is here: TLA discussion II

[Earniel]

Eärniel: *ogling Ecthelion from a balcony* Ah... *happy sigh*

Arcala: You're still just ogling him? Really, Eärniel, even Random Young Tuor has gotten himself a girl in the mean time, and that's saying something. You haven't even spoken with Ecthelion more than two minutes. After the several years we've been here, I was so sure you would have made your move on him already.

Eärniel: Oh, I wouldn't. I'm sure something bad will happen when I do something more than ogling. There's also the impending doom of his death -heroically and moving death, mind you- but death nevertheless. I don't think I should get too attached to him.

Arcala: Trust me, something bad is going to happen anyway. But look at Maggie, she's taking everything she can out of the few years she has left with Glorfy. Why shouldn't you? Besides, you're already a little late on the getting attached, if you ask me.

Eärniel: *sighs* I suppose there's no way, we can um... tweak things a little?

Arcala: Like making him survive the attack? No, you know we can't. He has to die so he can kill Gothmog, no one might be able to escape if he doesn't. I believe we've been over this before.

Eärniel: But what if he doesn't like me?

Arcala: Now you're just plain silly. Well, more sillier than your usual sillyness, anyway. But hey, there's only one way to find out about that.

Eärniel: And what is thaAAAAAAAH!!

*Arcala skillfully launches Eärniel over the balcony to let her land on top of Etchelion who -by laws of comedy and role playing with fan girls- just happened to pass under it. *

Eärniel: *blushes* Um. Sorry. Sudden bout of gravity.

*And while Eärniel and Ecthelion get acquinted, something bad happens indeed.*

Arcala: Sssssht! Don't tell her that!*

*Sorry. For Maeglin had escaped the city and had gone for his long walk into the mountains surrounding Gondolina. He thought it'd be nice to mine for rare materials while he was there.*

Maeglin: Hah! That'll show them Maeglin of Gondolina takes orders from no one!

Random Orc scouting party: Gondolina, you say? Great! We've been looking for you guys for aaaages. Morgoth and Mr. Nelson will be so pleased. Step this way, please.

Maeglin: Crap.

*Maeglin is brought in captivity to Morgoth for questioning. Nobody really missed Maeglin in Gondolina (except maybe for Elemmakil but he was having too much trouble finding his superior to even report it), which is probably saying a lot about Maeglin's popularity...*

Maeglin: Hey!

[Count Comfect]

*Meanwhile, Idril was having a rather neat idea*

Idril: Hey, everyone! How about we develop some way of GETTING OUT OF HERE if something bad should happen? Our old escape tunnel collapsed a few centuries earlier, remember?

Everyone: WOAH! Cool idea!

Turgon: Order, order. Do I see a motion to introduce a plan?

*Idril raises her hand*

Turgon: A second?

*RYT raises his hand*

Turgon: All in favor? Well, actually, I'm a king. I like it. Therefore, motion passes!

*So they would build an exit tunnel under the canals*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: Here we go, almost to the meat of things. Everyone gotten cozy yet? Where is Eärendil anyway? Have Tuor and Idril spawned this thing yet?

*And so Maeglin was taken before a dark armored figure.*

Figure: Maeglin, son of Eol, recent dweller of Gondolina, if you value your life, you will tell us the way to Gondolina.

Maeglin: Um, no. I don't think so.

Figure: What?

Maeglin: You aren't really that menacing and I really don’t want to go back right now.

Figure: You dare to deny me? Do you know who I am?

Maeglin: No.

Figure: I am the great powerful commander… Mr. Nelson!

Maeglin: Who?

Morgoth: Nelson? Are you stealing my job again?

*The figure stepped aside graciously and allowed Morgoth through.*

Mr. Nelson: Of course not, my lord.

Morgoth: Really, your predecessor was much better at this. Pity she LEFT. *glares* Now, let me show you how it is done. ALL RIGHT YOU FILTY MAGGOT! YOU GIVE US THE INFORMATION WE NEED OR YOU WON’T GET ANY SPOILS OF THIS WAR!

Maeglin: Aaa! Wait, spoils?

Morgoth: I was going to offer you Gondolina to rule after we had conquered it, but since you are acting the part of the brave-loyal-and-true hero I guess I’ll have to feed you to the balrogs.

Maeglin: Nonono! I’ll tell you what you need. Your terms seem very reasonable.

Morgoth: Well, aren’t we getting along so well. How do we get to Gondolina?

Maeglin: Easy, take the East River from the North Plain…

*After a lengthy explanation, written down three times, the Armies of Morgoth finally had it, the address to Gondolina. Now all they had to do was prank call them.*

Morgoth: Well this has been a pleasant discussion. You run along back to Gondolina and prepare for our arrival in a few years.

Maeglin: A few years?!?

Morgoth: Yes. Unfortunatly the orcs are going through their second puberty. My previous assistant built some odd quirks into our forces. Some of the balrogs want to get married even. Can you believe it?

Maeglin: Speaking of marriage—

Morgoth: Yes, you can have Idril.

Maeglin: Hey! You read my mind!

Morgoth: Yes, but I try not to. Ugh. Now run along. Nelson and I need to have a LONG talk.

*A note about balrogs. Sauronkatt did put in some conflicting personality quirks into all of her creations, which explains balrogs’ frequent dating troubles in future ages. Speaking of Sauronkatt, Willow found her looking off one of Gondolina’s many balconies.*

Willow: Katt? I thought you’d be waist deep in elf lords by now.

Katt: Nah, they’re not really my type. I’m more of a Villain Fancier. I was just thinking about how I betrayed so many people, including you once.

Willow: That was another war a long time in the future.

Katt: Well, there is about to be another war and I’ll have to face Morgoth and either betray you or him and even when it’s over I’ll have to go be evil and betray even more people.

Willow: It’s all right. Everyone knows it’s in the name of the plotline.

Katt: Oh, I wasn’t agonizing; I was making my to-do list. Ta ta, I must go find Uzzai-poo. I let him supervise Eärendil while the Lords are having the drinking contest.

Willow: Drinking contest?

Katt: You didn’t hear? You are in for a surprise. Come on.

OOC: So I figure that gives us a few more years where Eärendil can be born and raised. Lets have a drink in the meanwhile.

[Willow Oran]

*They arrived at the site of the drinking contest to see Ecthelion downing shot after shot of strong whiskey while Glor was by this time past the whiskey and cheerfully drinking his way through several bottles of port, next to them, carefully watched by Uzzai-poo sat Earendil, happily chugging a bottle of baby formula...*

Maggie: Ya'know, it's times like this that I think back on all we've done in Middle Earth and wonder, how in the name of Illuvatar did the plotline ever survive our meddling? I mean, look at that! The kid's barely a year old and he's already fallen victim to strong drinking.

Katt: He's only copying the behavior of the elf-lords.

Maggie: See, that's what worries me. It wouldn't do for them to die alcoholics.

Katt: Yes it would, they'd be just as brave drunk as they would sober, and they wouldn't feel the pain so much!

Maggie: *looks distressed* Kaaaatt!

Katt: Oh alright. I'll take Earendil and Uzzai-poo. You can take the elfies and get them rehabilitated in time for the big battle.

*She grabs Earendil and leaves, patting the now burping toddler on the back, with Uzzai-poo trailing behind, hicuping spurts of flame. Maggie stays behind and looks at the elf-lords with an expression of utmost exasperation. Finally she shrugs and plops down between them*

Maggie: *grabs a bottle of port out from under Glor's hand, he gives her a suspiscious look*

Glor: You aren't taking that away are you?

Maggie: No, I'm drinkin' it!

Glor: *looks incredulous* You? Drinking?

Maggie: Oh don't look so surprised. I'm being spontaneous. After all *grins* you only live once. *gives him a Look* Twice.

Glor: *Blinks at her* Twice.

Maggie: Twice. Nevermind. Just get drunk dear.

[Count Comfect]

*Fortunately, Ecthelion was there to stop Glorfindel's mind from coming to grips with this concept of living twice*

Ecthelion: Once, twice, who cares? OOooh, look, vodka!

*And the drinking continued, until bad tidings came to Gondolina*

Messenger: Um, sir, ORCS! Lots of them! Bazillions!

Turgon: So what? They don't know where the city is.

Messenger: You better tell them that sir. At the moment they're moving in a beeline toward it...

Turgon: Uhoh.

*And a council of war was formed. And all the leaders of the city came, save for Maeglin*

Turgon: Now where in the seven bloody hells is Maeglin?

*And then Maeglin, just having returned from signing away his soul to Morgoth (via a nice set of legal briefs drawn up by Mr. Nelson) strolled in*

Maeglin: Sorry I'm late. I say we fight!

Turgon: I haven't even asked the question yet!

Maeglin: Sorry scum

Turgon: What was that?

Maeglin: I said sorry, sir.

Turgon: Now, what is to be done?

Maeglin: I say fight!

Random Young Tuor: Why the HECK would we do that? I've got a KID, and I say we run for the hills so he doesn't die. You realize how many orcs are out there? If we flee by that tunnel now, we might just stand a chance of surviving. Otherwise, we're goners.

Maeglin: We can't just deal with your selfish problems, Random Young Tuor. Other people need things too.

RYT: Like, death? Destruction? The murder of babies?

Maeglin: Like GLORY!

*And Maeglin's ill-counsel won the day*

[Willow Oran]

*Maggie waits for Glor (who is by this time mostly sober) outside the concil hall. He comes out just after RYT, looking furious, disturbed and more serious than she has ever seen him before.*

Maggie: We're staying to fight aren't we?

Glor: I'm staying to fight, you will be going straight through that tunnel as soon as Idril has it ready, along with the rest of your friends.

Maggie: Ah... right. Glor, I love you when you go all protective, but I'm staying with you.

Glor: *Looks as though he would like to argue, but there's no time, they are already to his house and everyone is preparing for the battle to come.* You'll get yourself killed.

Maggie: Most likely, if I do I'll be in good company.

Glor: This is what you were hinting at all those times, isn't it?

Maggie: *Helping him to buckle on his armour.* Yes.

Glor: If you stay I expect you to fight.

Maggie: I'll do my best.

Glor: *Picks up his shield* There's a suit of armour in the next room that should fit you. Meet me on the steps.

Maggie: *Catches his tone and looks at him accusingly* You knew.

Glor: You were terribly unsubtle and obviously likely to be stubborn. Now hurry up, we have no time.

[Arcala]

Arcala: *looking over the balcony* Hey, what are those sparkly things?

*What sparkly things? I don't see any-*

Arcala: Not down there, in the distance!

*...*

Arcala: OMG I think those are dragons! Hey Earniel! Lookie! Dragons!

[Count Comfect]

*Meanwhile, Mr. Nelson and the old-fashioned troops of Morgoth were approaching Gondolina*

Morgoth: Look at the directions that traitor gave us. Where do we go from here?

Nelson: Umm... the left 3 paces, then hop on one foot for another mile.

Morgoth: LET ME LOOK AT THAT!

*And indeed, all was as Nelson had said*

Morgoth: SHOOT.

*And so the host of Morgoth hopped a mile*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

*As Morgoth's troops hopped to Gondolina, Sauronkatt ran out to greet them.*

Morgoth: Where were you?

Katt: I was uh, in Gondolina having a party.

Morgoth: Why weren't you where you were supposed to be?

Katt: *glares* I though Nelson had it all under control.

Morgoth: We'll speak of this later. Open the gate.

Katt: Oh yeah, and why should I do anything for you? Get Nelson to do it.

Morgoth: Nelson doesn't know how to do it. I need you.

Katt: *perks up* Really? That's all you needed to say boss.

*Katt opened the gate which led up the steep path to the great city.*

(OOC: I'm working off this picture here)

Maggie: Katt!

Katt: What? It's destiny. Why don't you tell all those elves to fight back then?

*Katt stays to watch the procession of orcs when Uzzai-poo gave a squak.*

Katt: Oh hello, Godmod. You are looking bright today. Here is one of your biggest fans, I promised him an autograph.

*Katt held Uzzai-poo out to the giant balrog who kindly burned a thumbprint into his hand.*

Katt: Thanks. I see your brothers are with you. Seven is such a nice number. Don't worry, I have the plans for a female balrog back at the lab. Nice seeing you! Kill some pretty elves for me!