Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Christiana]

MP#8:Amon Rude? why the heck whould we want to go to a place called that?

Mp#7: Amon RUDH. not Rude. idiot

MP#8:HEY! i heard that!

[Count Comfect]

Beleg: Ignore them. Now, if you're sure...

Counturin: YES.

Beleg: ... then we'll leave.

TLA: WHAT? This is much more fun!

Beleg: Great! You guys stay, I gotta go!

Counturin: What!?!? You're leaving me with these guys?

*But Beleg had already left*

Counturin: OK, if I'm stuck with you, you'd better join my band.

Masked Person #3: Cool! We get to be outlaws!

[Count Comfect]

*And Beleg returned to Thingol at the Thousand Caves*

Beleg: Well, I found Counturin...

Thingol: AND!!!

Beleg: He said he's not coming. *very fast, before Thingol explodes* But I did leave him with some masked people I ran into and I think they might possibly (just possibly mind you) have been those people you kept ranting about, the TLwhatsit...

Thingol: the TLA? You sicced the TLA on Counturin? He's my foster son, that's unconscionable. Even if he did never shut up.

Beleg: Plus side, they aren't around here anymore.

Thingol: Good point. You get a prize.

[Christiana]

Meanwhile...

Masked person #8: should we tell him who we really are?


#6f course not!

#4:yeah, he would freak out if he new that we were the TLA...

Counturin: YOUR THE TLA!!??!??!?

Christiana: $%*&H!

[Arcala]

Masked person #9: Yeah, we're the TLA. Do we know you?

Rest of masked people: Arcala! Shut up!

Counturin: You're those...those...those people!

MP9 : Um...yes?

Counturin: That brought me to Thingol!

MP: Yes?

Counturin: And kept telling me to shut up!

MP: Well, obviously we didn't do a very good job of that.

Counturin: ARRGH!

*And he and his band of masked outlaws ran screaming to a place far far away from any masked people, which not-so-incidentally happened to be in the general direction of Amon Rudh*

[Earniel]

MP#2: Well, at least they're running in the right direction...

MP#6: Since they already know who we are, can we at least get rid of the masks? I've lost count of which masked person I am...

*And so the TLA became unmasked again. But they were unwilling to let Countúrin get away that easily and they also went to Amon Rudh. They soon caught up with Countúrin and his band of outlaws.*

Tano: Look Countúrin, you might as well learn to live with it that we're not going away anytime soon. We'll behave... well, sort of.... all within certain limits, I promise you.

Countúrin: Then you won't tell me to shut up?

Arcala: Not very often...

Countúrin: We-ell...

Eärniel: Look, we even brought you a present to show our good-will. *takes a very small, angry-looking dwarf from the notoriously large pockets of her cloak*

Countúrin: What on Arda is that? What does it do?

Small dwarf: *makes all sort of gestures, some of them rather rude*

Eärniel: *shrugs* I dunno, it's been doing that ever since we came across it. I dunno why exactly I've put it in my pocket, though. It seemed like a good thing to do at the time...

Countúrin: I don't suppose it's edible...

Small dwarf: *finally speaks exasperated* Don't eat me! I'm not a pumpkin!

Countúrin: What are you then?

Small Dwarf: A very small Dwarf.

Countúrin: Why is your face painted black and white?

Small Dwarf: It goes with the name. I'm called Mime. And I would like to be put down now.

Eärniel: What's in it for us?

Small Dwarf: I have a house on Amon Rudh, I suppose I could rent it to you for the winter...

Eärniel: *shakes dwarf up and down*

Small Dwarf: *hastily* ... or I could let you stay for free. I'm sure the large hall can be converted in sleeping space for all of you....

Eärniel: *shakes dwarf up and down*

Small Dwarf: *going slightly red in the face* Or better,with a seperate sleepingroom for everybody!

Eärniel: *shakes dwarf up and down*

Small Dwarf: *desperately* And food! Of course my food supplies are at your disposal!

Ren: Eärniel, put the poor guy down.

Eärniel: *lets dwarf go* Awwww, one more shake and I'm sure he would have let us have a jakuzi each....

*And so the dwarf Mime led Countúrin to his home on Amon Rudh that afterwards was known as House of the Shaken Dwar- er Ransom. And there Countúrin, his outlaw band and the TLA passed the winter.

But back in Doriath, Beleg was starting to feel guilty for having left Countúrin to deal with the TLA and he headed out for Amon Rudh to look for his friend.*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: And so it was that the future of the story looked bleak indeed. The very essence was being drained away as all things are that are lost under paperwork. When low, a dark figure moved through the archives and shoved the story up where it should be. But that wasn't good enough, so, in the hopes that more writing would be forthcomming, the figure started the story once again...

Mime: Welcome to my home. Please, make yourselves comfortable.

Tano: Is this breakable?

Earniel: Maybe. Toss it here.

*Crash*

Earniel: Oops.

Tano: You were supposed to catch that.

Arcala: I don't like this pillow. I'm gonna fix it. *"Fixes" it*

Ren: I don't think you should have done that with your knife.

Arcala: Tano! Now my pillow is all wet!

Conturin: Why are you twitching, dwarf?

Mime: Erg... gah...

Ren: Bedtime!

All: Aww! Do we have to? We wanna play with Uncle Dwarfie somemore!

Ren: Now now. That won't do, go to your rooms now.

*The TLA trooped off to find good bedrooms, accompanied by the sounds of rips and crashes, which left Conturin and Mime alone.*

Conturin: Thank you for your hospitality, O dwarf. We shall talk about compensation in the morning.

Mime: Oh... right. I'll just sleep outside then, shall I?

Conturin: Good man. Dwarf, I mean.

*Conturin went to find his own bed and left Mime to frothe at the mouth.*

Mime: *wiping the spit away* There is only one way I could possibly get rid of them...

*Mime grabbed an axe and ran off into the night.*

*Meanwhile...*

Saruonkatt: *bored* I could have been part of the TLA but NOOOO! I had to choose a bad guy because all the other parts were taken. Then all of the sudden I LIKED being the villan. What has gotten into this world?

*Random Orc walks in.*

Orc: My lord, lady, um...

Sauronkatt: *bored* What is it?

Orc: We have captured a dwarf who wishes to speak to you.

Sauronkatt: Show him in.

*Mime is brought in*

Sauronkatt: *bored and yet distainful* What is it?

Mime: Your guards are mean.

Sauronkatt: *like reading off a script* Would you like them to be meaner?

Mime: Meep, no.

Sauronkatt: Get on with it.

Mime: My lady, I have in my house at this moment the great Turin and his followers.

Sauronkatt: *Very interested* Turin? With others?

Mime: Yes ma'm. And I was wondering if you could remove them?

Sauronkatt: *not listening to him* This is just the break I needed. This is my time to shine. *Snaps and orcs enter* Get ready, we are going to Amon Rudh!

Mime: Um, ma'm?

Sauronkatt: Yes?

Mime: Try not to get blood on my sheets?

Sauronkatt: You may go now. *Everyone leaves.* Well, this should give those TLAers a surprize. I hope they've been doing their reading. *An evil grin spreads accross her face* I wouldn't want to actually kill them.

[Earniel]

*Back in the House of the Shaken Dwar-er Ransom, the TLA prepare for the night*

Eärniel: *sighs happily* Nice bed, nice soft blankets....

Willow: Yes, it sure beats sleeping on the ground outside. Like Mime is doing right now.

Ren: Shhht, I'm trying to sleep here. Remind me again why I have to share rooms with you two? That dwarf promised seperate bedrooms.

Willow: Well, we started out with seperate bedrooms, remember? But then we got a little bit overexcited with redecorating....

Eärniel: Besides, you weren't really that attached to those bedroom walls, were you? I just didn't realise how knock-downable those walls were.

Ren: Right. Say Willow, do you still have that script somewhere? It'll make some good bedtime reading.

Willow: No, that would be cheating. Besides, we're not supposed to really have it in the first place.

Eärniel; Since when are you afraid to cheat?

Willow: Good point. *takes out script* Let's see.... where are we...."Back in the House of the" ... ah yes, here.

Eärniel: What happens next? What do we get for breakfast?

Willow: Just a minute.... *flips page and goes pale* Katt!

Ren: Cat? Ugh, I'm not eating that! Is this some kind of local Dwarf recipe?

Willow: No! Saurokatt! Attack! Orcs! Run!

Eärniel: *slowly* That doesn't sound very tasty....

Willow: *slaps Eärniel with the script* No, you ninny! Saurokatt is coming tonight! With orcs! They're going to attack us and have us for breakfast instead!

Eärniel: *ever slow on the intake* Auw! Do you mean the orcs get our breakfast? That's not very nice of Mime, I specifically shook him long enough to get some food.

*The rest of the TLA was a little faster in grasping the approaching danger and within minutes the last TLA-member was exiting the House of the Shaken Ransom on high speed. However Saurokatt and her sollicitorcs didn't find the House totally deserted, in a furtheroff room, with cottons in his ears, totally unaware of the TLA's hasty exodus, Counturin was peacefully sleeping....*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: Yay! It lives! And Earniel has a Terry Pratchett quote in her sig!

*Conturin rolled over as an orc nudged him with one pointy toe.*

Conturin: *hazy* What, is it halloween already? Wait, there is no halloween in this land. AAAAAAAAAAA--

*Conturin was easily shoved into a sack and carried off as the other orcs slashed the furnishings, pausing first to appreciate the lack of taste that had gone into the decorating.*

*Fwhump*

Conturin: *Opening his eyes* Am I still in a sack?

Sauronkatt: No, you're in a cell. This is a chain.

*clinkity*

Conturin: A little dainty for chains, aren't they?

Sauronkatt: Well, you're a whimpy outlaw, so they're good enough for you.

Conturin: Now what are you going to do?

Sauronkatt: I'm going to laugh at you, then I'm going to leave you here, so confident in your confinment that I'm not going to even lock the door. Wah ha ha!

Orc: Don't you think that a bit unwise, mistress?

Sauronkatt: Shaddap! I didn't ask you. *Stomps off*

*Meanwhile back at Shaken Dwar-er Ransom... the TLA sneak back to find in the wreckage none other than Beleg.*

Beleg: Turin! Turin! I'm sorry about what I said! Oh no! Not the tafida CURTIANS! The horror! THE HORROR!

Willow: Is bad taste just bred into these guys?

Ren: Shhh! This is an important moment!

Beleg: He's not here, that means he must have been captured! I must save him! *Starts to run*

TLA: *Rolls numerous eyes* Here we go again!

[Willow Oran]

Willow: *watches the others run helter skelter after Beleg.* I just remembered, we're missing a key part of this story.

*She snaps her fingers and finds herself in Morgoths lair. She quickly ducks behind a big metal Thing to avoid being seen by Mr. Nelson, who walks by, plotting under his breath.*

Mr. Nelson: With this combination of old and new technology I shall crush my so called 'Master' and his minions, and when he is gone I shall rule this land! All of it! And those pesky children from the TLA will fall before me... my revenge will be complete!

*He passes out of hearing and Willow slowly comes out of hiding.*

Willow: Revenge? What could he want revenge on us for, we're annoying yes but we haven't done that much damage to his plans...

*Vowing to find out more about Mr. Nelson later on she sneaks down the corridor till she comes to the door that leads to Morgoth's personal chambers. the door stands slightly ajar and she sidles carefully inside. Morgoth is recliningg in a sulfur bath. Willow comes cautiously closer until she stands just out of reach of the tub.*

Willow: Excuse me.

Morgoth: *starts to squeal in surprise but stops midsqueal in an attempt to save his dignity and produces a squeaky coughing sound similar to the sound produced by a strangled trumpet.* Awwack-! I mean- WHO DARES TO COME WITHIN THE BATHING CHAMBER OF THE KING OF ARDA!

Willow: *waits patiently for the end of the display and then speaks* Just me. I have a small reminder to give you.

Morgoth: Wha- well couldn't you have waited till I was dressed?

Willow: No. Remember Hurin?

Morgoth: Who?

Willow: Hurin, you captured him. End of the fifth battle, big guy, stood alone on a battle field impaling trolls and screaming 'the sun shall rise again' until he was totally exhausted... ring any bells?

Morgoth: Oh. Him.

Willow: Yeah. Him. He's got a son. The kid's a bit wimpy right now but once he grows up a little he's gonna be a real pain in your arse.

Morgoth: There are a lot of those, I'll have him killed along with the rest.

Willow: That's not good enough.

Morgoth: Why not? And why do you care? you're supposed to be against me! Aren't You?

Willow: Well yes. But Counturin... shall we say... he insulted me badly, and I wish him to suffer. Just a bit mind you.

Morgoth: I thought you weren't supposed to be vengeful.

Willow: You thought wrong. Anyway, I'm not talking anything big. Nothing tht might not have happened anyway. Just your standard family curse. It would be more in your interests than mine really. I'm just reminding you.

Morgoth: Uh huh. Yeah, and my brother Manwe is gonna forgive me tomorrow. Fine, I'll do it, a little vengenance never hurt anyone. I place the crse first thing in the morning.

Willow: Place it now.

Morgoth: Now!?! *she glares* Alright, Alright. I hereby place a curse on Hurin and all his decendents ESPECIALLY HIS SON that they will suffer from the most mind numbingly horrifying streak of misfortune and woe that the world has ever seen! *thunder booms and a streak of lightning seals the curse. He turns to Willow* Happy now?

Willow: Yes thank you. Bye bye!

*She snaps her fingers once more, and is gone.*

OOC: Can't have the story of Truin without a curse after all...

[Count Comfect]

*In the dungeons*

Counturin: OWWWWWWWW!!!!

Orc: Shaddup you!

Counturin: OWWW I say!

Orc: What is it now?

Counturin: I just felt an endless curse fall upon myself and my entire lineage. That sort of thing hurts.

Orc: So? You're in a DUNGEON. Things are supposed to hurt.

Counturin: Darn.

[Earniel]

*back with the TLA*

Eärniel: Did you really have to go to Morgoth to get Countúrin cursed?

Willow: Well, yes; it had to be done properly.

Eärniel: But you took a huge risk, if Mr. Nelson finds out about that finger snapping and such he'll know for sure we're not normal inhabitants of the First Aera, he's already suspecting us. Then he might make more effort to take us out, that means we'll have more difficulty taking him out when it comes to that.

Willow: Stop worrying, Mr. Nelson didn't see me and Morgoth is never going to admit that I came into his bathroom. He'd have too much hassle explaining that to Ulrica.

Tano: What? Bathroom? You were in his bathroom? Cool, what was it like? Did he have a rubberducky?

*But before Willow can go into further detail about the Evil Overlord's bathroom, Arcala interrupts.*

Arcala: Um, guys, did you listen to what the narrator said about Countúrin?

Christiana: What, the part where's he's in pain and in prison?

Arcala: Wasn't Beleg supposed to find him before they stuffed him in Saurokatt's dungeon?

*crickets chirp while the TLA ponder on this.*

Willow: Yes, possibly. But Beleg would have been here sooner if he hadn't stopped to mourn those tafida curtains for so long.

Eärniel: *shrugs* Well, that's an elf for you. But is all this significant for us, right now?

Tano: It could be. It means that now we'll have to pay Saurokatt a house call.

*The TLA stand silent, considering the horrible prospect of venturing into Saurokatt's lair. Thunder rolls, lightning crashes and eerie music plays*

Tano: Or we could just let Beleg deal with it and see what interesting use we can find for the remains of the tafida curtains.

Ren: Sounds good enough for me, let's go.

[Count Comfect]

*In the dungeons. Beleg comes running in*

Orc: We have a security breach in sector 7, repeat, security breach in secto.. ugh..

*For indeed, Beleg hath killed the orc. While he goes about killing every orc in sight, and meanwhile cutting Counturin's bonds, he bumps into Counturin slightly*

Counturin: WHAT! THAT WAS MY ARM! Obviously, because you slightly injured me while killing all my enemies and freeing me and generally rescuing me, I'm going to assume you are an enemy of mine and steal your sword *he does* and kill you *he does.*

Beleg: Urk!

Saurokatt: Behold! *lightning flash* Bye! *Saurokatt leaves*

Counturin: AAAAAAAAAAAH! Beleg! Baby! Honey! Best friend! You're dead! Nooooooooooooo! And this dungeon has taffeta curtains! NO! *he breaks down weeping* I shall make a ballad: the tale of Beleg and the Taffeta! *he takes pen and paper off a dead orc* Hmm...

[Earniel]

*Just when Counturin is struggling with finding a word that rhymes with 'taffida', a random Elf taps on his schoulder.*

random Elf: Excuse me, is this the way out of Saurokatt's dungeons? It's just that I've got a girl waiting for me at home.

Counturin: Hm? Oh yes, just follow the trail of dead orcs. Can't you see I'm busy?

random Elf: Hey, I'm not the one with bad sight, matey. *points to dead Beleg* I can see that he's dead.

Counturin: I know he's dead, as a matter of fact I killed him myself. Now I'm writing a balad for him.

random Elf: Knock yerself out, mate. But I'm out of here. I'm not hanging around here waiting until ol' Saurokatt comes back. There's only so much pink and urple an Elf can take. No, I'm back to Nargothrond, the homely carved caves, the custom made taffida curtains, the nice fountains and pretty lasses...

Counturin: *drops pen and paper* Hey, that sounds like fun, can I come too?

random Elf: So that you can announce the hiding place of Nargothrond to the world, invite a big mean dragon, steal my girlfriend and leave us all to die? I think not!

Counturin: Er...

random Elf: *slaps Counturin on the back* But then again what are the odds for that? It's not like you're cursed or something, eh mate? Hahaha!

Counturin: Er... ha ha...

random: But we talk and talk and we forget to get going. Are you coming? You can take your dead pal with you, no sense in leaving him behind now. The name's Gwindor, by the way.

*And so Counturin follows Gwindor to Nargothrond and King Orodreth welcomes them and there was much rejoicing.*

[Count Comfect]

*Back with the TLA*

Tano (looking at watch): Hey, Counturin should be just about done mourning Beleg and have headed out by now. Let's watch!

Eärniel: Sounds good, but we're just rehanging the curtains of the House of the Shaken Dwar-er Ransom!

Tano: Come on, we get to see the curse come into effect! After all, if one of us made it happen, we better at least see what "it" is.

Arcala: I thought our general strategy was actually to run far away from anything we made happen.

Willow: No, we're seeing the curse. Come.

*and they did*

[Earniel]

*And so the TLA sneaks into Nargothrond and pretending to be Elves, they spy on Counturin, who is about to meet a person who will change his life forever.*

Gwindor: So Counturin, my friend, I want you to meet somebody.

Counturin: Who is it then?

Counturin: The one whose memory helped me survive Saurokatt's dungeons and that memory alone was enough to make me realise Saurokatt wasn't half as bad, I mean of course my girlfriend: Findukatt the Fair.

Counturin: Oh, she's pretty then.

Gwindor: Mate, when you've drunk a few liters of stubborn Elven Wine as I had when I named her thus, she definitely is.

*Gwindor puts his hand around Counturin's shoulders and stears him around a corner, guiding him to Findukatt's whereabouts. The TLA, hiding behind a tafida curtain, move to follow them, but Maggie stops them.*

Willow: If I know the way Morgoth's mind works well enough, I think we better wait here for a moment.

Tano: We wait for what?

*Suddenly Counturin's girlishly highpitched scream of deep-felt terror echoes eerily through the halls of Nargothrond, making the TLA -except for Willow- jump.*

Willow: We wait for that.

[Count Comfect]

*Counturin comes back around the corner, supported by Gwindor*

Counturin: So when you say, FAIR, you mean, like, she's impartial? A good judge? Doesn't cheat if she divvies stuff up?

Gwindor: Did you have to scream so loud? And what are you talking about?

Counturin: I'm just asking about the psychology that would name THAT fair...

Gwindor: Shut up! She's my girlfriend!

Counturin: *looks at the sky* Why is it always "shut up"?

TLA (in unison): Because you won't!

[Willow Oran]

*Willow hurridly hushes her companions, she doesn't want to frighten Counturin away before the curse takes full effect. So they wait in silence for a minute more and are not dissapointed, for take effect it does...*

Counturin: But really Gwin, how did you get stuck with, with THAT?

Gwindor: Politics.

Counturin:Oh.

Gwindor: Yeah.

*Then from around the corner comes the sickeningly sweet voice of Findukatt followed by the maiden herself- a strikingly gorgeous elf maid.*

Earniel: *confused* Huh? I thought they said she was ugly...?

Tano: Yeah...

Willow: *grins* It's the curse! It's caused Counturin to be too dense to recognize a beautiful girl when he sees one! *pause* though on second thought that might be just his inherent maleishness. Bastard.

Tano: *gives Willow a look* You really don't like Counturin do you?

Willow: Well... He always was one of my least favorite characters... I like him better than Maeglin!

Earniel: That's not saying much.

Willow: Precisly.

*Meanwhile, Findukatt has proved that there is nothing wrong with her eyes and is proceeding to wrap Counturin around her little finger, it is not a difficult task, Gwindor is slowly but surely getting jealous...*

Findukatt: Now Turin sweetie... you must eat dinner with me tonight and tell me all about your awful experience with that TLA, you poor dear, it must have been dreadful...

Gwindor: Suck up. *Being a normal boyfriend, he suddenly gets between his girl and his potential rival and socks counturin square in the stomach and then again just below. Once again the even-more-girlishly-high-pitched-than-before scream echoes through the tunnels, this time from pain.*

[Count Comfect]

Counturin: *squealing in pain, like the little girl that all great tragic heroes have buried deep down inside* What did you do that for?

Gwindor: If you don't know, I'm just going to do it again.

Counturin: Well then *thinking fast* Umm... *OK, what little brain is there (yet another traditional trait of great tragic heroes, that) finally kicks in* Sorry, FinduKatt, gonna have to put that off.

FinduKatt: Are you sure *bat, bat*

Counturin: *brain back into default, off position. Actually, the position is labeled "Hero," but let that pass* Ummm...

Tano: Is it just me, or is that narrator getting a bit... into things?

*Oh, alright*

Gwindor: *menaces*

Counturin: *strolls off, trying to appear calm. And protect certain vitals organs*

Tano: Ahem.

*I meant the... liver, that's it, liver*

Earniel: Suuuuure ya did.

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Findukatt: *Turns to Gwindor* Well that wasn't very nice. He is our guest.

Gwindor: But he was all... and you were...

Findukatt: I was just trying to show him hospitality.

Gwindor: Oh, right, I knew that.

Findukatt: Why don't you make him an advisor. *Staring off* He's almost full grown, *snapping back to Gwindor* and he has a very good reputation.

Gwindor: Well, all right. Let us retire.

Findukatt: Oh, I'm sorry sweetie, I have some *waves hand vaguely* walking around and looking pretty to do. *kisses Gwindor on the cheek* Love you, bye!

Gwindor: Well see you tonight then? *silence* Findukatt? *silence* Ok...