War of the Ring: Volume I

[Elf Girl]

Some notes on your names:

Aralokë should most likely be Arálokë, which is indeed 'sun-dragon', (in Quenya by the way, which is not the correct language for the Middle-Earth Elves) which would be a good name for an anime or some such, but dragons are deadly evil in Middle-Earth. Would you name a child 'hell-demon'? I thought not. It's like that.

Also, Elves don't do 'last names' like 'Sunshadow' or 'Windrunner'.

'Amandan' has no meaning I can deduce, although 'Aman' is another name for Valinor. (I wouldn't name my baby 'Heaven' any more than 'hell-demon', personally.)

'Mîrien' should probably be 'MÃ*rien', and means 'jewel', but even then it's Quenya when it should be Sindarin.

'Anganca' also has no meaning I can figure out, besices 'anga' meaning 'iron', and I really can't see Elves giving nicknames. Names are just too important.

'Aráto' would mean 'sun', but again in Quenya.

'Hinilin' would mean 'children' in Quenya.

'Aetier' would mean 'day path' in Quenya.

'Duinrama' sounds a bit silly IMO, and has no meaning I can deduce.

*splutter* Laurelin? NO. Just no. You don't name people after the Two Trees.

(BTW, Valar is plural, Vala is singular.)

As has been mentioned, you're spelling Thranduil's name wrong.

There, that's the names. I'm sorry to give you your critique in bits and pieces, an analysis of the writing should be next, I just can't find much time.

Hope I wasn't too harsh, I do have a problem with that. If I was, just know I don't mean it and wish you the best with your story.

[Yodaman]

I looked this stuff up in my Elvish dictionary (the Languages of Tolkien's Middle Earth). In SINDARIN, Aratloke means Royal Snake, and Anganca was Ireon Jaw. I forgot the rest, but I thought that no one on this board knew this stuff (no offense). Legolas's (and ThRanduil's) last name is Greenleaf, so Whitebark isn;t that much worse.

[Earniel]

Greenleaf isn't really a last name, it's basically the translation of 'Legolas', IIRC. 'las' means leaf and I assume 'lego' is derived from 'lai' which means green.

Calling Legolas Greenleaf is like calling me Eärniel Seachild for instance. Besides, I can't remember any mention of Thranduil being called Greenleaf.

You will find quite a few people who know Sindarin and Quenya on the Entmoot, Yodaman. Some are even quite fluent in it, some (like me) know only bits and pieces of it.

[Elf Girl]

*seconds what Eärniel said* He was called Greenleaf at the council and such so that people like Frodo who didn't know Sindarin would understand the 'connotations' of his name. I think. That's my hypothesis, anyway.

It can't be his last name, because why would he have a name in Westron when most of his fellows didn't even speak it? It can't be a translation of his last name either, because that would be Legolas, and I just don't think 'Legolas Legolas' is the sort of name an Elf would have.

[Yodaman]

CHAPTER VI
THE BATTLE BEFORE THE DAWN

A mere day later, I set out with my company to go attack the evil forces that Arash told us about. I set out with all 675 elves, including Aralokë and Duinrama. We got word from Bungo that the enemy base was to the left of Menegroth, so that’s where I ordered my men to march. After a few hours of marching, Duinrama ran up next to me and decided to have a talk with me.

“Sir�, said Duinrama. “Why are we marching to the west? Arash told us that the enemy forces attacked Lorien from Dol Guldur�.

“I know he did�, I said. “But the halfling told us that the base he was held at was to the west of Menegroth. Since he personally experienced living in the base, that must be where the base is.�

“But sir�, said Duinrama. “How do you know the hobbit isn’t trying to trick us?�

“How do you know Arash isn’t trying to trick us?� I said to him. “I don’t. And I don’t know that the hobbit isn’t trying to trick us, but I made a choice and I trusted the Hobbit. Duinrama, you should understand one thing about life- there are an infinite amount of choices to make, and what choices you do make are the ones that determine the course of the future. What happens if we fail?�

“Then all of Middle-Earth fails�, said Duinrama.

“See�, I said to him. “Life does depend on the choices we make. In life, we must…�

“My lord!� yelled Arash. “Our scout came back dead with four arrows in his body�.

“What kind of arrows?� I asked him.

“Haradrim by the looks of it�, said Arash.

“By the name of the Valar�, I cursed. “EVERYONE, FALL OUT!� Then everyone ran up behind me. “FALL INTO FORMATION ER-ER-ER!� Formation er-er-er was when the archers would get behind the swordsman so the archers can quickly get to their swords if the enemy gave us a surprise attack. For a minute, we heard nothing but the chirps of birds and the swooshing of streams. But then, a strange chant could be heard throughout the forest.

“ARCHERS, READY!� I yelled. The archers then grabbed their bows and arrows and aimed at invisible targets in the distance. As the chanting grew louder, we could barely make out a large mass of people. Then, a minute later, we could make it out as a Haradrim force of about 800 soldiers.

“FIRE AT WILL!� I yelled. The archers then all fired when ready, and the front line of the Haradrim was all hit with arrows. But once the Haradrim lost their soldiers, they got furious. They all drew swords and charged like starving dragons lunging for a meal.

“DRAW SWORDS!� I yelled. Then each and every soldier dropped their things and unsheathed their swords. “CHARGE!� Then, I charged out to the enemy forces and my entire army followed me. Several enemy arrows zinged past our heads and hit several of my soldiers. I would have to mourn for them later, for now I would have to concentrate on the battle going on now. A few seconds later, we had impact with the Haradrim. The ching of the swords clashing rang in my head, and it would throughout the whole battle. Once we collided with the Haradrim, I swung my sword around killing as many of the enemy as possible. I could see their painful and terrorized faces as I stuck my sword through each of their bodies. But I didn’t care. All I cared about was the victory that was at hand. For a moment I thought I saw Bungo clad in Elvish armor taking a swing at the Haradrim, but I knew I must’ve been imagining things, for Halflings cannot fight. So I swung my sword, dodged their blows, and helped as many soldiers as I could, which was not many. I knew these soldiers had to take care of themselves, but when I saw a helpless youngling screaming for mercy as a Haradrim was about to stick his cruel blade through the boy’s body, I couldn’t just stand there.

Speaking of younglings, you might be wondering about Aralokë and Duinrama. Well, they were having the same time as I was- killing, dodging, and saving. And I have to tell you they were excellent fighters. Especially Aralokë. He was just slashing through the enemy like butter through a knife. And he rarely got any wounds. But that would change soon.

“HEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEE!� came a voice from the distance. “HEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEE!� The voice rang in each soldiers’ (except the Haradrim’s) heads. According to Aráto, that was the same laughter Aralokë heard in his vision. Then, several seconds later, a barrage of blades came zinging down. These blades were exactly like the one in Aráto’s body. They came down like rain from the sky while the cruel laughing continued. These blade killed several soldiers for it hit them in the throat, but the ones who were hit in not as such a venerable place (such as the arm or the legs) showed various sick effects. Some started spitted white foam, while others became paralyzed. Some even turned into ash and blew away with the wind. I then saw that nearly every soldier (including Aralokë and Duinrama) was hit by a blade. After a while, I knew we had lost the battle.

“RETREAT!� I yelled. Shortly after my call, a blade hit me. I then turned and saw that it hit my legs, which became very limp. I then fell down, since I couldn’t walk anymore. My legs couldn’t function. Then, a few minutes later, I saw a Haradrim walk up to me and put his foot on my back.

“<<Die, you miserable creature>>�, said the Haradrim. That was the last thing I would here in a long time.

[Elf Girl]

Your punctuation with quotations is still messed up. Again:

Incorrect: “See�, I said to him. “Life does depend on the choices we make. In life, we must…�
Correct: “See,� I said to him, “life does depend on the choices we make. In life, we must. . .�

[Nurvingiel]

Actually, you are supposed to capitalize at the beginning of any quotation, but you are otherwise correct.

Correct: “See,� I said to him, “Life does depend on the choices we make. In life, we must..."

[Yodaman]

CHAPTER VII
THE FLAMES OF GONDOR

A few hours after the battle, Aralokë woke up. He fell in the battle when a one of the blades hit his neck and sprung a painful infection in his body, and the infection didn’t seem to be any better then. He got up expecting to be in a room full of Silvan prisoners of war, but he was in a surprise. He found himself right in front of Minas Tirith, but it wasn’t the Minas Tirith he knew. This Minas Tirith was in flames, and it’s walls crumbled up like old bricks falling from the sky. And more noticeable was the White Tree of Gondor, which was black from the vile flames instead of white from the Silmarils that it sprung up from. He then heard several voices behind him. Cruel and deep voices that could only come from one place- Mordor.

“What about the women and children?� asked one of the voices.

“Are you kidding me?� said another voice. “Kill them exactly the same way you do the warriors- except make it a slow, painful death. That will lower the morale of enemy�.

“Whatever�, said the first voice. Somehow, the second voice sounded totally out of place with the other ones. While most of them were deep and raspy, this voice was high and clean, as if he came from the Bree area. So Aralokë walked to the direction of the voices to find out the mystery of the voice, but the mystery baffled him. As he walked closer and closer, he could make out the voices as an army of Orcs. All of them looked the same to him, so there wasn’t anyone that was different. But as he walked closer, he could make out one really short orc. As he got even closer, he figured out that this wasn’t an orc. It’s skin was light, it had long, curly hair, and it’s eyes burned with the flame of evil. It was defiantly a Hobbit wearing Orkish armor.

“Hey�, said one of the Orcs. “The enemy is drawing closer�.

“I know that�, said the hobbit-orc. “Do you think I’m that stupid?�

“No�, said the orc.

“Good�, said the hobbit-orc. “<<DRAW SWORDS! WE SHALL HAVE MAN FLESH TONIGHT! >>� The entire Orc army then drew out their swords and cheered. “<<CHARGE! >>�. The Orc army then charged out into the distance, and Aralokë charged with them. He wanted to see what all this fighting was about. As he charged with the enemy, he saw what they were facing. It was a group of surly men, elves, and dwarves who were all dressed in rags and carried blunt swords. All except one man, who bore one great huge sword that outshone all the rest of them. Aralokë could make it out as Narsil, but that blade was broken. Who would wield the blade? None other than the king of Gondor. But surely this wasn’t him? Most of the Kings of Gondor were men of great stature, looks, and fame. This man sure wasn’t one.

“ATTACK!� yelled the man who wielded Narsil. The two armies then clashed and the battle began. It was all a blur for Aralokë, who could barely make out how each army was doing. But as the battle went on and as more and more people died, he could make out what was happening. The men in rags appeared to be winning, which was a huge surprise for him. And it looked like the Narsil man was having an easy time with the battle. He kept killing the Orcs with such swiftness and skill that had not been seen since in the old days of Numenor. Aralokë was very glad about this, since he hated Orcs all his life.

“We are losing�, said one orc to the hobbit-orc. “Should we call out Groshma?�

“Are you kidding me?� said the hobbit-orc. “You should’ve called him out ages ago�. The orc then grabbed out a large horn and blew it. Several seconds later, a large, dragon-like shape came out of the flames of Gondor.

“BALROG!� yelled the Narsil man. “RETREAT!� As the good army left the battlefield, the orc kept blowing his horn. Then, out of the flames, a great big Balrog came out. He then unsheathed his sword and started swinging it at the men. The battle then turned into a massacre as the Balrog seriously reduced the numbers of the company. The Narsil man then ran up to the Balrog and deflected the sword blow with Narsil. Then, out of nowhere, the Hobbit-Orc walked up to him and stabbed him in the back. The hobbit-orc then laughed an evil, bone-chilling laugh that froze the hearts of all the good people present. Then, he felt a sharp pain in my back and a voice shouting in his ear.
“Wake up, you maggoty slug!� said the voice. He then woke up to find myself in an Orkish concentration camp. He then got up and the orc started whipping me. There was truly no hope for Middle-Earth.

To Be Continued...

Well, here's the end of Part I. Look for Part II in July, and two spinoff stories in May.

[Elf Girl]

Originally posted by Nurvingiel
Actually, you are supposed to capitalize at the beginning of any quotation, but you are otherwise correct.

True. *beats self in the head* I hate it when I'm corrrecting someone and I make myself look stupid in the process.

[Yodaman]

Here's a trailer for the two WOTR spinoff stories comming in may:
Copy This Shortcut and Paste It in the Adress Bar