The Jokes Thread

[Bombadillo]

There's a nice big funeral home near Fred's house. Its lanscaping is always perfect, all the grass and the trees are green and healthy-looking, the flowers never lose their color. He marvels at it all the time. So when Fred's wife died last September, he held her wake their. After the guests left, he spotted the funeral director and said, "I can never help being amazed by your landscaping. Everything is perfect, almost year-round. How on Earth do you do it!?" The funeral director replied: "Formaldahyde."

worst spelling job I've ever seen there. Oh well...


How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

(^ The funeral director told me that second one at my uncle's wake. The preist was stunned that I'd never heard it. I laughed.)

[Elf Girl]

Why didn't the rino cross the road?

Because he'd never been in a joke before and didn't know what to do.

[Baby-K]

There is this guy who lost an eye in a fight. He looks like a freak without it and goes to a doctor who recommends a glass replacement.

The guy cannot afford one so the doctor fits one made one out of wood which is cheaper.

However, he becomes really self conscious about it and becomes a bit of a recluse. One day a friend gets him out to a bar. He sees everyone dancing and wants to join in.

He sees a chick with a hunchback standing around and think "Well, no-one else is asking her to dance and she is worse off than me so I'll ask."

He goes up to her and says, "Want to dance?"

She looks really excited and says, "Would I!"

The guy says "Wood eye! Wood eye! Well f**k you, hunchback!"

[Linaewen]

Dedicated to Cassi and Millane, who live in Woop Woop*.

Log on: Make the barbie (barbeque) hotter
Log off : don’t add any more wood
Monitor: keeping an eye of the barbie
Download: get the firewood off the ute
Hard Drive: trip back home without any cold tinnies
Floppy disc: what you get from lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard: where you hang the ute and bike keys
Windows: what you shut when it’s cold
Screen : what you shut in the mozzie season
Byte : what mozzies do
Bit : what mozzies did
Mega byte : what Townsville mozzies do
Chip: a bar snack
Micro chip: what’s left in the bag after you’ve eaten the chips
Modem: what you did to the lawns
Laptop: where the cat sleeps
Cursor: the old bloke who swears a lot

* Woop Woop
Australian and New Zealand (But the Kiwis and Sydneysiders that I know don’t know what it means. ) informal term for the ‘outback’ or ‘remote areas’.

Generally used by Melbournians to refer to places that a long time to drive to(from Melbourne inner suburbs- away from Melbourne city) We Aussies are lazy sods.

[Sheeana]

Isn't it "whop whops" or "wop wops"? That's how I've heard it pronounced anyway...

[Linaewen]

Originally posted by Sheeana
Isn't it "whop whops" or "wop wops"? That's how I've heard it pronounced anyway...

You're forgetting how much your Kiwi accent morphs how things are supposed to be said. It's Woop Woop.

And re. Finrod F's jokes- I heard that one before. Except it involved a pile of bricks or something, not a construction site.

[Artanis]

Not exactly a joke, but it fits in here:

[Gwaimir Windgem]

That's great.

[Millane]

Dedicated to Cassi and Millane, who live in Woop Woop*.

ill give you woop woop Bendigo is not woop woop its about an hour and a half from scum central melb...(i actually like melb but anyway )

[cassiopeia]

Originally posted by Linaewen
Dedicated to Cassi and Millane, who live in Woop Woop*.

Thanks Lin. Woop Woop's a bit cold at the moment, but she'll be all right.

The only thing I can think of to add to your list is:

Icon: Warrick Capper

[Linaewen]

This one's dedicated to Baby-K, the joke queen to whom I owe a lot, and to Gwaimir, in the hope that he realises that Australians-are-not-like-those-in-the-Simpsons-especially-the-Prime-Minister!!

Search Engine- what you do when the ute won't go
Yahoo! - what you say when the ute does go
Server- person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch
Mouse- What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe- what holds the shed up
Web- what spiders make
Web site - the shed or under the veranda
User- the neighbour who keeps borrowing things (my personal favourite)
Online- when you get the laundry hung out
Offline- when the pegs don't hold the washing up.

[gimli-son-of-gloin13]

A woman took her husband to be to meet her parents. The father said to the young man "Let's go into the den." The young man followed and once they were in there the father asked the man "What is your proffession?" the young man answered

"I am in bible college and plan to become a priest."

"Well how do you plan to have money to take care of my daughter?"

"God will provide"

"Well what about a house to put over my daughters head"

"God will provide"

When they got back to the dinner table, the mother asked "How did it go?" The father said, "Well he's going to bible college but he doesn't have any money or a place to stay and the worst part is that he thinks I'm God!"

[wahine]

Metaphysical Downsizing

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.

Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there.

Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant -- decided on his third wish, “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.

[Fimbrethil]

US Naval Communications

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[Ruinel]

I've seen that one before.

[Sheeana]

Yup, it's a very old joke, that I put in my sig once.

[Artanis]

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.

[Jonathan]

Originally posted by Artanis
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.

I love that joke

[Finrod Felagund]

Originally posted by Linaewen


Who's the Viking whose got
has an Elven boyfriend, who also has 3 wives
??

LOL!

[Jonathan]

Originally posted by Linaewen
Who's the Viking whose got
has an Elven boyfriend, who also has 3 wives
??

Good old memories
[smooth voice] Hello Finrod Felagund [/smooth voice]