Lyrd Of The Ryngs - The Homies

[Grey_Wolf]

Several days passed and they seemed to come no nearer to the elusive quarry.

But one day they heard sounds of engines far away coming down the ORCer-trail.

"Legolas, you have far-seeing eyes. Can you see who's coming?" asked Aragorn.

"Yes, I see men on HD's and Yamaha motorbikes and even a couple of Armoured Personel Carriers." he answered.

Aragorn threw himself to the ground and listened a smile spreading on his lips.
"This could be soldiers of the Para-Military Branch of the Rohirrim. The Third Éored of the Mark."

[Nurvingiel]

"There's no use trying to escape from them, and maybe they could help us," said Aragorn. "We might as well sit here and wait for them." The three hunters sat on the grass near the ORCers trail of destruction to wait for the Rohirrim. The bikers continued more or less towards them.
"I wish I had brought my Dwarven camp stool. It was really light and very comfortable," said Gimli.
"Yes, it really was quite clever," said Legolas.
"You were sitting in my camp stool?" Gimli asked incredulously.
"Erm... noooo... um, so how 'bout those Hogs eh?" Legolas said lamely.
"What's a Hog anyway? Is it the same as an HD?"
"Yeah, it stands for Harley Davidson! You think a Dwarf would know that."
"How? We don't ride bikes, we prefer our own two feet."
"Well they're just all metallic and spiffy..."

Legolas and Gimli argued good-naturedly as Aragorn examined the mp3 player, plugging his own ear phones into it. "I hope it didn't cost the brave lad too much to cast this aside," he said, pressing play. "Yeah! Iron Maiden! Rock out!" Aragorn started head banging as Legolas and Gimli exchanged a look.
"Men," they said simultaneously.

[Grey_Wolf]

The Rohirrim Column drew closer and closer and finally started passing the silent trio when Aragorn stood and said in loud voice:

"What news from the North, bikers of Rohan?"

With excellent driving and handling of their bikes and other vehicles the Column changed into a slowly narrowing circle around the three companions.
Finally they were totally surrounded by the Rohirrim.

[Grey_Wolf]

All three comanions stood up in the tightening circle of Bikers. Suddenly, the bikers halted and aimed their M162A Combat Rifles onto the trio. The four APC's stood guard just outside to the right and left of the circle of Bikers.

Finally a tall man, wearing green-and-black leatherbikergear and a green helmet, got off his bright-green Kawasaki.
"Who are you, and what are you doing in this land?" said the Biker, raising his visor, using the Common Speech of the West, in manner and tone like to the speech of Boromir, Man of Gondor.

"I am called Strider." answered Aragorn."I came out of the North. I am hunting ORCers."

The biker took off his helmet, gave his rifle to a Biker close by, a walked up to the trio and stood face to face with Aragorn, looking him over, and not without wonder. At length he spoke again.

“At first I though you yourselves were ORCers.” he said.”But now I see that it is not so. Indeed you know little of ORCers, if you go hunting them in this fashion. They were swift and well-armed, and they were many. You would have changed from hunters to prey had you caught up with them. But there something strange about, Strider.” He bent his clear bright eyes again upon the FBI-agent.”That is no name for a Man that you give. And strange to is your clothes. Have you sprung out of the grass? How did you escape our watchful eyes? Are you Elvish folk?”

[Grey_Wolf]

”No.” said Aragorn.”Only one of us is an Elf, Legolas from the Woodland Realm of Southern Mirkwood. But we have passed through Lothlorien, and the gifts and favour of the Lady go with us.”

The Biker looked at them with renewed wonder, but his eyes hardened.
“Then there is a Lady in the Golden Wood, as old tales tell!” he said.”Few escape her nets, they say. These are strange days! But if you have her favour, then you also are New Wavers and Zone therapists, maybe.” He turned a cold glance suddenly upon Legolas and Gimli.”Why don’t you speak, silent ones?” he demanded.

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

At the mention of Galadriel Gimli had stepped forward but had been restrained by Legolas.
"Give me your name horse master, and I shall give you mine," said Gimli.
"It would be wise if vistors in the Riddermark gave there names first, yet I am Eomer son of Eomund, Third best Rider of the Riddermark," replied Eomer
"Well then Eomer. Let Gimli, Gloin's son warn you against your rash words concerning Hippy Lady Galadriel," said Gimli.
"I would cut off your head dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground." replied Eomer.
"You would die before your stroke fell," said Legolas fitting a staple to his stapler, quicker than the eye could see. Things would have gne ill had Aragorn not stepped in between Eomer and Legolas.
"As I was saying. We track ORCers. We set out form Tol Brandir 4 days ago," said Aragorn.
"Strider is to poor a name for you. Wingfoot I name you, yet the ORCers are dead. We slaughtered them during the night, so if you would be so kind you may now leave our land," replied Eomer.
"I enter and leave lands at no mans command save my own," said Aragorn.
"Then I am afraid you will die," said Eomer.
"Elendil!" shout Aragorn. "I am Aragorn son of Arathorn. Elessar the Elfstone. Envinyatar the Renwer. Heir of Valandil, son of Isildur of the house of Elendil. Weilder of the Power Drill that was broken, reforged anew. Now will you aid me or will you hinder me, choose swiftly!"

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

'what is this?' said eomer 'where the descendants of myths and legends walk upon the green earth of day!'

[Grey_Wolf]

”Tell me, Lord.” said Éomer.”what brings you here? And what was the meaning of the dark words? Long has Boromir son of Denethor been gone seeking an answer, the bike that we lent him was returned by other means. What doom do you bring out of the North?”

“The doom of choice.” said Aragorn.”You may say this to Théoden son Thengel; open war lies before him, with Sauron or against him. None may live now as they have lived, and few shall keep what they call their own.”

[Grey_Wolf]

He and Éomer went away for a while and had a secretive talk. When they came back Éomer saw to it that three bikes were given to the trio.

Aragorn got a Harley Davidson Goldwing and Legolas and Gimli a Kawasaki Ninja each.

[EarthBound]

Gimli immediately plowed his bike into a rock, claiming he mistook it for a beer keg and got a bit excited. Legolas scooted forward on his bike to make room for Gimli's girth. Climbing aboard the bike, Gimli put his arms around the lean-middle of Legolas, thus becoming Legolas's "Biker-Chick" by default...they seemed "OK" with this...

"Rrrrmmmm Rrrrrmmmmm" The three friends took off with a quick turn of the throttles, the power and speed of the Rohirrim motor-bikes so impressive they each crapped their pants and had to have a potty break to change shorts.

"Oh, well, tray again?" Aragorn muttered to the others.

"Something worries my mind, I think we should hasten to find our lost hobbits," said Legolas in somber speach.

[Grey_Wolf]

The remainder of the journey was uneventful and dull. A couple of days later they arrived at the edges of the Fangorn.

Half a kilometre from the forest a mound had raised around which 15 defunct M-162A combat rifles had been stuck.

A short distance from it another mound had also been raised. Underneath it lay the remains of the ORCers.

The trio camped just outside Fangorn not wanting to wander inside the forest yet.

Aragorn decided to take the first watch. Suddenly a old man stood just out side the camp. Aragorn bade him came hither, but the old man disappeared and so did the bikes.

[Grey_Wolf]

Book 3.3: The Uruk-Hai

occ: backflash to Merry & Pippin horrid journey with the ORCers.

Pippin thought that he was having a bad dream. "Frodo! Frodo!" he heard his tiny voice cry out only to be answered by horrid ORCer laughs and taunts.

He woke up. He was in ORCer Camp. Heavy Metal pounded out of portable high-speakers.

Now he rembered. They had rushed off totally disregarding old Strider. And right into the arms of ORCers. They didn't want to fight, they just wanted to lay their hands on him and Merry. Merry succeeded in cutting off a couple of the foul mothers' arms.

Then Boromir showed up and he made them fight. Then he called out with his Megaphone. At first they were frightened. But when no one came they intensified their attacks on Boromir, always Boromir.

The last thing Pippin remembered was seeing him sitting with his back to a tree pulling out an arrow. Then everything became dark.

[Grey_Wolf]

In the middle of the camp several huge ORCers with white hands painted on their chests were jumping up and down to Black Sabbath's and Black Crowes' tunes around one campfire while around another some smaller ORCers with red eyes drawn on their helmets were having their own party to KISS, Bon Jovi and Megadeath.

[EarthBound]

Of course the orcs from mordor were getting hungry and having eaten their supply of Boston Beans and Wacky-Taffy they began to eye the hobbits with interest.

[Grey_Wolf]

A argument that was getting hotter by the minute was brewing into a full-blown brawl. The ORCers Local 446 of Mordor was all for eating the captives but the ORCers Local 339 of Orthanc had other orders.

"Orders." one big ORCer said."Kill all bu the N O T the halflings; they are to be brought back A L I V E as quickly as possible. That's my orderd!"

"What are they wanted for?" asked several Mordorese ORCers."Why alive? Do they make good sport?"

"No! I heard that one of them has got something, something that's wanted for the War, some Elvish plot or other. Anyway they'll both be questioned."

[EarthBound]

The squabbling over the fate of the hobbits continued. A game of Frisbee golf broke out. The loosing team was forced to eat their shorts. The winning team ate theirs too because it looked like so much fun. One orc ate his friends shorts for no apparent reason. Then they remembered they were fighting and continued their verbal warfare.

"I, uh, yes, er", the large orc reasoned.

"Well...", the mordor orc quickly bantered back.

"Yeah, uh", the orc with a white-hand decal on his cell phone shot back.

In an effort to come to a resolution the orcs tried to us logic to solve the crisis.

"We could, uh, er..." Much butt and head scratching ensued.

"Scritch Scritch Scritch."

"Scratch Scratch Scratch."

One orc found some lint in his belly-button and began playing with it. When he wondered why he even had a belly button he immediately transformed into Wisconsin cheese and was ate by his buddies, again, this happened for no apparent reason.

[Grey_Wolf]

"Now we really have to get things together." shouted Ugluk, Chairman of ORC local 339."By majority vote, that is us, The Supreme ORC representatives Uruk Hai's, we will go on to Orthanc and deliver the captives. And anyone who comes up with any more backtalk will loose his head. IS THAT UNDERSTOOD!"

[EarthBound]

"Er, what about a foot?"

"What about a foot?" The large Uruk Hai asked.

"Well, does it have to be a head?"

There are some muttering and small discussions that suddenly take place.

"Well, not as such, but the affect is so much better when it's a head rather than a foot, you know." The Uruk Hai put his hands on his hips and smugly looked around, certain the question had been answered satisfactorily.

"You mean effect, with an E."

"Huh?"

"You used the word 'affect', I heard your pronunciation. You used it wrong. Effect with an 'E' is what you mean."

"I may have to kill you...immediately. Anyway, the EFFECT is better with a head lopped off or two to make a point. That's what I'm saying."

"Oh, I don't know. Seems to me that I'd rather hate limping around if you took my foot. I might just want it back you know."

"Hmph!"

"Why can't it be something less dramatic, always has to be so flaming excessive with you Uruk Hai's. How about you take our nose hair?"

"No No! That won't do, it's got to be painful."

"Hmm, I usually tear up pretty good when a nose hair gets pulled out. What say, you others?" Much cheering and jaunting broke out among the smaller orcs.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

'for the good of the collective ORC union...' began ugluk, but stopped and glared at the smaller ORCers when they started jeering and pointing at him

[Grey_Wolf]

This so enraged Ugluk that he indeed did chop off THREE of the jeering ORCer Local 446:ers heads AND both arms.

"NOW we are getting going!!" screemed Ugluk."Get YOUR FOUL MOTHER'S HIDE'S MOVING! Or there'll be more chopping, mark my words!"

"OK! ok, we're going. No need to shout." the Mordorese ORCers mumbled.

"That's more like it!" said the Vice-chairman and the rest of the Board of ORC Local 339.

And they picked up the captives and off went at a furious pace across the plain. But their passing had not gone unnoticed by the watchful eyes of the Rohirrim.