Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Nazgûl Queen]

Morauthien: What is it, sweetie? *giggles*

Beren: Erm... *looks hesitant*

Morauthien: You're not cheating on me with Avardelothien, are you? I KNEW I shouldn't have introduced her to you, she's always after all the good elves, it's just not fair! I want my daddy *starts to sniffle*

Beren: NO! Nononononono, honey, I would never do that to you!

Morauthien: *has teary eyes* You wouldn't?

Beren: Of course not, you know i love you.

Morauthien: I love you too, Beri!!!!

*hugs and kissing follows*

Morauthien: So, what did you want to tell me, arling?

Beren: Well... er... the thing is...

Morauthien: ...?

Beren: Well.... youseeImnotanelfbutamanontheescapefromtheTLAandIon lycameheretohidefromthembutIloveyoubutyourdadwillk illmeifhefindsout!

Morauthien: WHAT?! You LIED to me?

Beren: *shamefully* It was only a LITTLE lie...

Morauthien: I can't believe you! Pretending to be an elf, using me to get an escape... hmph... *walks off*

Beren: Oh ****.

[Human#3.141592653]

OOC: I'm really, really confused about where every one is...soo ...I'm posting any way!! WHA HA!

IC:
Tano: Do mean coffee or .... Coffee?

Katt: *Takes one long look at her ickle cuddly-wums* Sadly, I don't think that we have time for either.

*pause*

*Morauthien, who has been stalking across the castle ground, stalking across the grounds around the castle, and finally out into the woods in barely contained rage, stalks by the reminaing TLA in a rather impressive Huff. She stops and glares at every one for a few moments.*

Morauthien: I don't want to talk about it! *Stalks off*

Tano: Uh-ho.

Willow: Damage Control.

Earniel: Ok, Tano and I are going to go after her and find out what has put her in such a huff. Katt, Deaten, you too stay here and try to kepp your hands off one another. Willow, you stay here and Cheaprone them.

Willow: *Puts hands on hips, and frowns indignantly*

Earniel: Willow! There's no time! Love could be a stake here! *grabs Tano and rushes off before Willow can retort*

Willow: *Glares at both with an icy stare promissing a most Certain Death if they Even Think About It. Katt and Deaten instantly step apart.*

Deaten: Eh heh heh heh eh...have you herad the one about the Plumber and the CEO's Wife?

Katt: Ooo! *Rushes off into the bushes*

Willow: Not another one!

*****

*Meanwhile, Tano and Earniel have caught up to Morauthien in the Forest...*

Earniel: Er...hey, what's-

Morauthien: Oh, he decieved me, I thought that he was an elf, and there were violens and everything was just so prefect and he has a really cute butt and he told me that he loved but he's a Human and oh, Daddy will be so mad and might chop his head off and oh, I couldn't bare to loose him and he said that I was beautiful like Chocolate, only better and IT'S NOT FAIR!!! *collapses and starts to sob*

*Tano and Earniel exchange bewildered looks.*

Tano: Well. I guess we can call off the man hunt now...

*****

*Meanwhile, Katt has discovered what ever it was that she was looking for...*

Katt: *Comes back out of the bushes dragging what appears to be a bundle of rags with a tin foil hat.*

Deaten:*Eyeing it misturustfully* I should certainly hope not that's not a new sex-kitten.

Katt: *Sorts* yeah right.

Deaten: *Jealously* Doesn't even look very Sexy, all rags and and and tin foil and and and stuff...*pouts*

Katt: OH Honey-bunny fluff-cakes...*She rushes to him and they cuddle*

*Maggie approaches the bundle with tedpiation, prodding it with a stick*

Bundle: AGH! Geroff!

Willow:*taking a closer look* HUMAN?!

Human: *Pokes head up* Oh, you know I had to show up eventually.

Wilow: ... And the tin foil hat?

Human: Keeps the Space Aliens from beaming Messages into my Brains!

*crickets*

*Sloppy kissing sounds and cooing*

Human: Anyway, I heard something about coffee?

[Christiana]

*Christaiana hears sounds of kissing and someone sayinghlittlebabybooboo*

*Christa runs behind a tree and barfs*

[Earniel]

Eärniel: *whispers to Tano: Shouldn't we -eh- console her or something?

Tano: *whispers* I suppose so. It's that or going back to hear Katt and Daeten go coochicoochicoo over one another.

Eärniel: I see. *carefully pats Morauthien on her back* There, there... it's probably not that bad...

Morauthien: *sobs* But daddy doesn't like humans! And what if he thinks Beren is TLA too? Oh, daddy's so going to kill him and it's just NOT FAAAAAAIR! * starts crying again*

Eärniel: There, there. I'm certain Beren isn't a TLA-member. And I can know, I'm one myse-ouch! *gets elbowed by Tano* Why did you do that for?

Tano: *whispers urgently* NOT a wise thing to say in Doriath right now, remember?

Morauthien: *sniff* What were you saying again?

Eärniel: er...

Tano: She was saying: Look, Morauthien, you're a big girl by now and if you really love this human, I'd say good for you! Now why don't you take Beren to your dad and mum before your dad finds him and chops off his head? Explain to them that you like him, be sure to mention you WON'T like your dad shopping off heads of your favorite humans. Make sure Beren behaves himself and makes a good impression and all will be ...er... violins, chocolate and just perfect again.

Morauthien: *sniff* You *sniff* think?

Tano: We're absolutely sure.

Morauthien:*brightens up again* Really? Oh, thank you! I'll go take Beren to daddy and mummy immediately! *runs off to find Beren and tell him the 'happy' news*

Eärniel: *watches her leave, then whispers to Tano* You do remember that Thingol is going to send Beren on some horrible quest that's going to leave him maimed and possibly dead too, eh tano?

Tano: Oh, yes. Quite horribly. But Morauthien didn't need to know that, didn't she?

Eärniel: point taken. Now let's gather all the TLA again to call off the hunt. And best before Morauthien's daddy chops off any of our heads aswell.

*Tano and Eärniel go off in search for the rest of the TLA that got scattered in the man-hunt.*

[Nazgûl Queen]

Meanwhile, back in Doriath, Beren was moping around the garden feeling sorry for himself.

Beren: Isn't it just my luck?

No, it's fate.

Beren: I'm not talking to you.

Morauthien: *who had just appeared from behind* Why not, darling? *sniffles*

Beren: NO! Not you, darling, the narrator.

Morauthien: ...I see. Oh well, I don't care if you're schizophrenic, I love you anyway. And I'll make sure Daddy doesn't chop your head off

Beren: Errrr.... thanks.... *looks worried*

Morauthien: Come on, honey!

Grabbing Beren by the arm, she drags him all the way to where Melian and Thingol are holding council with a very important elven emmissary.

Morauthien: DADDY!

Thingol: Not now, dear, I'm bu7sy

Morauthien: But daddy, I need to talk to you!

Melian: *taking Morauthien and leading her out* Your father is busy, can it wait?

Morauthien: But... but.... *starts to cry*

Melian: Oh, alright. THINGOL!

Morauthien: YAY!

Thingol: *comes out and sees Beren* What do you want, sweetie.... and who is that?

Morauthien: *dragging beren into the light* This is my boyfriend, Beren, and we're going to get married!!!

Thingol: *spies his distinctly unpointed ears* My daughter... is in love... with a HUMAN?! You will DIE for this, human scum!!! *grabs sword and lunges*

Morauthien: *bursts into tears*

Beren: *cowers and prays*

Melian: *grabs her husband and holds him back* Now, now, dear... you know you can't defeat prophecy.

Thingol: So? I can try!

Morauthien: *bawls*

Thingol: *gives in to his daughter* Alright, honey, I won't kill him. I just want him to prove he's good enough for you, my precious little girl.

Morauthien: I guess that's alright...

Beren: *mutters* Oh god...

Thingol: *to himself* Excellent...

[Claenoic]

Thingol: Hmm... what unnaturally and freakishly hard task shall I set you to...

Beren: ...

Morauthien: Oh Daaaaddyyyy, do we really have to go through this stage?

Thingol: Yes.

Morauthien: Why can't we just say he did it and got back on time?

Thingol: It's not properly mind scarring enough.

Beren: *Is wondering what he has gotten himself into*

Thingol: I KNOW! I bid you *dramatic pause* To wrest a Sillymaril from Morgoth's crown!

*dundundun*

Beren: *Looks up* Why must you be so droll, Mr. Narrator?

*Because I'm special.*

Beren: Ah.

Morauthien: *Pouts and clings to Beren* I still love you, even though you're a schizo.

Beren: Alright. All I need to do is wrest a Sil- WHA!?!?

Thingol: *coldly* Is there a problem?

Beren: Why did you give me a task that was-

Thingol: Adversity builds character, my dear human. If it don't kill ya, you get stronger, savvy?

Beren: But it will kill me... *grumbles, but agrees*

OOC: Extra long post to make up for my not-here-ness.

[Willow Oran]

*Meanwhile Willow has gotten extremely fed up with Katt and Daetan and through much pondering and looking through the script has finally found a way to dispose of them.*

Katt: *She and Daetan are sitting on the ground tied back to back with a large sign saying 'TLA extras, for SALE! Cheap!'* Er... Willow...? Why are we tied up with a For Sale sign stapled to us?

Willow: *Grinning manically* Earniel said "Cheaprone" you so cheaprone you I will, however, as no one really knows what cheaprone means I was forced to make up a meaning and I've decided it means sell both of you very cheaply to the first elf with a sword that comes along.

*and at that moment an elf with a very BIG sword came running, it was Thingol chasing Beren with Moruathien, and Melian on his heels. Chaos ensued.*

[Earniel]

OOC: Oh great! I get blamed for somebody else's typo's!

IC:
*And right at that moment Tano and Eärniel return. Thingol, his sword already lifted, pauses for a moment while having difficulty deciding which head to chop off when surrounded by all these prime choices. Morauthien yanking at his arm, yelling at him to stop and threatening to go into a convent if he so much as dares to touch Beren's pretty head, isn't helping him much. Beren makes use of the chaos to bravely hide behind a very broad tree.*

Tano: Uh-uh...

Eärniel: WILLOW! For the love of praliné-filled chocolate sea food, what are you doing?

Willow: Making money out of my misery.

Eärniel: What?

Willow: You left me alone with them. *pointing to Katt and Daeten* Not a wise decision.

Tano: But he'll chop off their heads!

Willow: Excellent! No heads means no more smooching, no cooing over one another and no more driving Willow screaming over the cliff of insanity. Sounds great, doesn't it?

*Thingol finally gathers his wits again. He looks at everybody around him and decides to chop off at least one head today. Then he recognizes Willow.*

Thingol: YOU! Blundering godmother! This is all your fault!

*But as he lunges, Morauthien threatens to tell mommy (always a prime weapon of children) and Thingol gets distracted and misses Willow.*

Willow: *jumps away* Not me, take them, you king of idiots! Them! *points to Katt and Daeten only to see Tano and Eärniel pulling the tied cause of her annoyance into the bushes, out of reach of Thingol's sword.* Oh.

Eärniel: Don't just stand there, Willow! Run! He's head-hunting!

*Willow finally runs into the bushes and the TLA'ers quickly exit the premises. Thingol remains with Beren and Morauthien.*

Morauthien: *exasperated* Daddy, this got to stop!

Melian: *who finally caught up* Quite right. Husband, this is no way of behaving.

Thingol: I agree. Morauthien, tell your cowardly lover to come out of hiding, so he can go on that character-building quest I proposed or to be a man and get his head properly chopped off.

Beren: *still behind a tree* So if I complete this insane quest of yours, can I marry Morauthien with my head still on my shoulders?

Thingol: Yes. On my word as King of Doriath.

Beren: *still behind a tree* Okay then... if I must. Goodbye Morauthien, my chocolate-sweet love. I'll return with a sillymaril or not at all.

Thingol: The latter gets my preference.

Morauthien: Daddy!

Thingol: Allright, allright. Forget I said it. Now come along, dear.

*Thingol takes his wife and daughter back to Menegroth, leaving Beren alone to figure out how to complete his quest.*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Katt: Thanks for saving us, but can you untie us too?

Eärniel: Um, no. Maggie was right about one thing. If you're tied back to back you won't make us sick by kissing.

[Human#3.141592653]

OC: Oops. Sorry, Earniel, But I cannot type worth beans! Though, I supose...that cheaprone could mean "Cheap while Prone," but I don't think that we are going to go into that.

Or at least, not right now.

IC:

Beren: *Looking longingly after the departing figure of his chocolate like love, he is lost for a moment, in indulges in a soft sigh. That is echoed by four other sighs.* Neh?

*The TLA are all smiling and congratulating themselves for a job well done.*

Beren: *alittle aggrieved* But you guys didn't do anything!!

Katt: *Smirking knowingly from the ground* But, didn't we though?

Beren: *Thinks, then gets confused* Wait...

Earniel: *Whispers to Tano* Cute butt or no, none to quick on the up take is he?

Tano: Now, since you have been choosen for an Insane and probably Fatal Quest for a woman you can't have anyway, you are going to need some supplies! Willow? Tell him what he's won!

Willow: *Whips microphone out, and game show music begins to play* That's right Beren, son of Barhir, you have been Chosen for Insane Quest number three, Retrieve the Sillymarils! Now this is going to take a bit of doing, but it will be made all the more easy while you ride in style on the back of your bran-new Roan!

*Points to a beautiful Roan that comes trotting out form behind a nearby tree. Tano, Katt, Deaten and Human all clap appreciatively*

Willow: This sleek new model has a midnight black mane with a Sienna brown coat. And saddle soreness? Forget a bout it! Your Roan comes complete with a plush leather saddle and bridle, prefect for those long journeys on the road. And you've also won...

*Points toa shiny new coat of armour Hanging form a tree. More cheers*

Willow: A coat of Arms! This coat comes from the Designer Noldor Smiths of Aule, fashioned directly from the earth! Guaranteed to last beyond your life time, little man, and best of all, never needs polishing! In this baby, you'll survive even being screwed by a rock troll! And you've also won....

A life time supply of SPAM!!!

*Life time supply of Spam drops from the Heavens a foot or so from where Beren stands.*

Beren: GAHH!!

Willow: But that's not all! This Journey will be a long and perlious journey, full of length and peril...and length! You'll need some one to show you the way, keep you out of trouble and help you retrieve the Sillymarils!

Beren: ....you guys right?

Willow: *Smiles*

Beren: Do I even get a choice?

Willow: *Smile more broadly*

Beren: Ah.

*And so Beren passed through Doriath unmolested, with the troop of TLA, and came at length to Polyesters Night Club in the Twilight Meres, and was saved by Earniel's quick thinking and pepper spray form teh evils of vynil trousers. And then on to the Fens of Sirlion, where Beren fell in the mighty riven there and was fished out again. And Thence, they looked Westward through the bras and boxers that lay upon Talath Dirnen, the Undergarment Plain, Stretching Between the Sirloin and the Narthex, and beyond they traveled afar on the High Lands of Turn-in-Faro that
rose above their next Destination....

OC: Ok, some body else has to come up with some crazy name for Nargothrond. I give you good night!

[Finrod Felagund]

OOC: Let's leave it as nargothrond for now, remember I'm still sane at this point!

[Earniel]

OOC: Don't worry, Human, it's not that big a deal. But I guess that's one spelling error that doesn't need to be corrected after the RPG is done.

IC:

*After having faced many dangers (and after having dragged Beren out of every single one of them), the TLA find themselves before the hidden entrance of the even more hidden kingdom of Nargothrond.

Eärniel: So this is the hidden kingdom of Nargothrond!

Elven voice from behind a bush: Sssht!

Willow: That's right, isn't this one of the Elven hide-outs that Morgoth and Ulrica would want to find so badly?

Elven voice from behind a bush: *more desperate* Shhht!

Christiana: Yeah! Imagine our luck that we found Nargothrond! Don't you feel so happy you could just scream out that we found it?

Elven voice from behind a bush: SHHHT!

GG: Did anyone hear that?

*A hand belonging to the Elven voice from behind a bush points to a sign on a tree saying: "Nargothrond nicht hier"*

Eärniel: *frowns* Since when do Elves write German?

Tano: And why would there be a sign that's it not here? Wouldn't it be more logical if you put only a sign when Nargothrond is here?

Willow: Quite right. And more economically too. Of course if you want to put signs with "Nargothrond nicht hier", consistancy dictates that you put those signs everywhere in Middle-earth and beyond where Nargothrond itn't. And those are a lot of places, trust me.

Katt: But then this could be all a very fiendish big ploy. Think of it, where would you effectively hide a city?

Beren: *thinks deeply* Er.... any place where nobody would look?

Katt: *brightly* Exactly! And where would nobody look? Where there's a sign saying that it isn't here!

Eärniel: *muses* But why would there be a German sign, then?

Elven voice from behind a bush: *waves a little white flag as surrender and steps from behind the bush* Okay, okay. I give up! Your logic is so mindboggling, you must be those dreaded TLA. I suppose that, to make you lot shut up, I'll have no choice than to bring you to our lord Finrod, king of Nargothrond.

Eärniel: *never fast on the intake* Wait a minute, the sign says Nargothrond isn't here!

Arcala: *whispers into Eärniel's ear*

Eärniel: *indignant* What? You mean the sign is a FAKE! So Nargothrond really is HERE!

Elven guard: *starts to hit his head against a tree, wondering how these TLA'rs can be so feared by nearly every Elf in Doriath and still be so frustratingly stupid*

*As soon as his headache lessened (trees are rather hard, by the way), the Elf guided the TLA and Beren into the hidden entrance of Nargothrond to meet Finrod.*

[Finrod Felagund]

Finrod: *at a feast* ahhh...this is the life, none of those mad TLAers, no Celeborn *shudders*...

*The elf enters with the TLAers and Beren*

Finrod: S**T!!!!!

Beren: Hey! Look my ring!

Finrod: Hey, that was my ring!

Beren: Felagund!

Finrod: Beren, Barahir's son!

Beren: Dude!

Finrod: Guy!

Both: Party On!


TLA:

[goldiegollum]

*goldiegollum, who had been tagging along as usual, singing and climbing trees along the way, now spoke up*

GG:*eying feast* so... is any of this food for us. It would be a nice change from what we've been eating on the move *smiles*

[Finrod Felagund]

Finrod: *tosses GG a bone*

*Curufin and Celegorm are also at the table and give Beren abnd the TLAers evil looks*

Finrod: So what's up Beren?

[Earniel]

Beren: Ah, well... you see.... I've met this gorgeous she-elf who I quite like. And the best part is that she quite likes me as well. The problem, however, is that she got this really nasty and greedy dad and he wants me to go on some insane quest to get a dowry fit to win his daughter.

Finrod: Not a problem, my friend. *pats Beren on the back*That's why friends are for, isn't it? You came to the right place. Now, how much do you need? Do you want a cheque or cash?

Beren: It's not really a question to how much as to what. You see, he wants a sillymaril!

*Curufin nearly chokes on their drinks when they hear this.*

Eärniel: Nasty cough you got there, mr. Elf.

[Finrod Felagund]

Finrod: Yes...ahem, Oh Beren I will go with you on this noble quest, for my cave kingdom shoulds't be greater than Thingol's and-

Curufin the crafty: Fool! Know you our oath?

Celegorm: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the-

Curufin: *smack Celegorm* No one can have the sillymarils but us, duh.

Finrod: I will leave, and this kingdom will fail.

*Finrod, Beren, the TLAers and a number of random elves leave*

Everyone else: Grrrr...

Celegorm & Curufin: Um...we gotta go...*they run very fast*

Orodreth: *picks up Finrod's crown* okay so...let's finish this feast.

Everyone else:

Orodreth: I'm the king now!

EE: YAY!

[Willow Oran]

Willow: *Notices that the random elves are falling behind and runs after Finrod and Beren.* Wait! WAIT! You're forgetting the ten companions that need to go with you!

Finrod: But... We don't really need them do we?

Tano: Well, yeah, you sort of do, bad things'll happen if you don't take them along.

Earniel: *under her breath* You'll get eaten a whole lot sooner for one thing.

Beren: *annoyed* Well, do we have to take YOU people along?

Willow: No, you do have to march back there and grab your ten most loyal elves and drag them along.

Finrod: *really annoyed* Fine. *stalks back inside to gather the companions.... stalks back, the random elves in tow.* Happy?

Tano: Yeah that's better.

Willow: Very good.

Earniel: Yes, much better, you should never forget the wolf bait- oops... heh, did I say that out loud? Silly me. I meant the seasoned warriors who won't be getting eaten by starving werewolfs in sauron's dungeons AT ALL. Really.

Random elf: *whimper*

[Renille]

OOC- This my official grand re-entrance...won't be good...but it'll do!
Ren-Hi!
Everyone-ATTACK! SAURON! THE WEREWOLVES! LONG LIVE THE SILLYMARIL *As they jump 54^10ft in the air*

Ren-Relax...it's me! Remember...um...no...um...well I'm not a werewolf anyway.
Earniel-Sauron! I demand you leave at once! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Ren-Welll...okay...but...
Beren-Honestly, why couldn't you just have waited in your dungeons like a proper villain?
Ren-Well I'm not a villain...but...
Tano-NOT a villain? Then just give this poor guy the sillymaril and call it a day, why don't you!
Ren- I don't have one...I have a cellphone..*searches through the ever-present backback*...an unfinished paper...an apple from last year....and...what's that? Oh yeah! My chocolate from Halloween. I've been saving that.
Earniel- Chocolate? That changes things. Whoever you are, you are now the official chocolate-supplier of the TLA. See you do that well
Ren-I'm Ren. But...there's only two more pieces! How can you feed all these people with two pieces? And why are you talking about werewolves??? *Sigh* This is going to be very very very confusing. I can already tell....Where am I???
*And so the ever-confused Ren made her debut in the ever-confusing but fun TLA. The confusion, unfortuanately, never quite wore off. Too bad.*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Katt: What? Wait, starving werewolfs in sauron's dungeons? Well, um I'll just be off then.

Maggie: Wait! Take Daetan with you!

Katt: Uh, no. I'll send him back. *sends him back*

*Katt leaves to go fufill her forgotten role as Sauron*

Katt: Sorry! I didn't read the script before starting!