Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Earniel]

*So Elves encountered Men and they were all quite impressed with eachother. And after all the necesary rejoicing and feasting the Men thought it was a good way of having more fun if they joined in the Elves' war against Morgoth and Ulrica. Which shows that the Second Born still had a LOT to learn...*

Eärniel: We have a war going?

*YES*

Eärniel: Oh, sorry. I forgot all about it with all the feasting and rejoicing.

*Morgoth, however, had not forgotten. And while the Elves and TLA had been bickering, munching chocolate, feasting, rejoicing, blessing babies, meeting mortals and generally wasting loads of time, Morgoth had laboured hard under Ulrica's constant nagging.

Now Morgoth wanted to show Ulrica that he still was the Big Dark Lord that made all of Middle-earth tremble and made the other Valar hang on to their underwear. He was also slightly hurt that Men had allied themselves with the Elves instead of him. Even dark Valar have feelings.*

Morgoth: *standing on a tower of his fortress* Damn right, I have. I'll show them! I'll send out flames and fire from the Thangorodrim down on the Elves and Men! I will pour smoke and stench over their fields and houses! I will burn their chocolate! Mwahahah! Who's the Dark Lord now, eh?!

Ulrica: *from within the fortress* Morgie, button up your shirt, you'll catch a cold!

Morgoth: *sighs* Yes dear....

*So the party of the Elves and TLA was seriously crashed. They were not amused. But they were driven away by Morgoth's forces and they had to run for dear life and chocolate.*

Morgoth: Bwahahah! See them run! Wheeee! *does a happy dance*

Ulrica: Morgie, stop that at once! It looks so silly in front of the minions!

Morgoth: Yes, dear. *mutters* What's the use of being the Dark Lord when you can't even have a little fun?

*And thus began the fourth of the great battles, the Dagor Bragollach, the Battle of the Sudden Flame. But Morgoth attacked too soon....For if he had held back a little longer, all this rejoicing would have given the TLA a permanent hangover and chocolate shortage. Then victory would have been easy, but now his opponents still could put up a bit of a fight.*

Morgoth: *mumbles* NOW he tells me....

*It's my job. I'm a narrator, not a preview.*

[Willow Oran]

*And though the forces of Morgoth had managed to break through in many places, still many of the elven strongholds remained untaken. But Angrod and Aegnor were slain and the sons of Feanor scattered and the realm of Dorthonion conquered. When Fingolfian heard this she saw ruin and despair and prepared to ride out alone, and so great was her rage with Morgoth that none could stop her, though they tried...*

Maggie: You can't go out there alone! It's sucide!

Katt: Oh let her go, you know it has to happen.

Earniel: Maybe it doesn't... Come Fingolfiana, we'll give you chocolate.

Fingolfiana: *Momentarily coming out of her madness* Chocolate?

Maggie: Yes, that's right yummy chocolate. Just, come down from the horse, and we'll get you to bed after a nice cup of hot cocoa. Doesn't that sound better than a nasty fatal duel with a dark lord?

Fingolfiana: *snaps back into a rage at the mention of Morgoth* No! Morgoth must die! *and with that she left, nearly running over the other three in her haste.*

Katt: Told you so.

Earniel: Oh be quiet and come help us figure out how to tell the elves their High King just went out and got smashed by Morgoth.

Maggie: I hate explanations like those.

[Christiana]

Fingoliana, meanwhile, wasnt happy
*mutters*"well its not like i really have to DIE, I can always come back later...

And so, Fingoliana rode to Morogoth's fortress, where she challenged him to a duel.
Morogoth:not now, I need to sleep.
Ulrica: MORGIE!
M:Um. Sure.
*So Fingoliana perished, but not before she had hurt him so greiveously that he would forever more be doomed to a buzz cut and seven missing teeth.As a result, he no longer brushed, and so his breath became extreamely foul*


Meanwhile....
*A random elf trots up to Earniel.*
Christiana: Helllo. What did I miss, and where is the chocolate and the mirovour?

[Tanoliel]

Tano: *peers at random elf* Dude. She looks kinda like the suicidal guy.

Katt: Ya don't think.

Tano: Weird...yeah. Hey elfie person--the chocolate's over there.

Christiana: Thanks!

Tano: Yeah. Definetely weird. *shrugs* Oh well...

[Finrod Felagund]

Finrod: *weeps* auntie Fingolfiana

[goldiegollum]

GGoooh! someone died? r'we gunna have a funeral? c'n I sing the song?

Tano:Somehow, i don't think your song would be quite...apropriate for the ocasion.

GG: Sure it would. *sings solomnly*

What do you do with a suicidal elf lord?
What do you do with a suicidal elf lord?
What do you do with a suicidal elf lord
Who got herself squashed by Morogoth?

Finrod: *looks at her approvingly* That's almost as good as my song.

GG: *smiles proudly*

FInrod: Almost. However, the funeral is already taken care of, so i'm afraid your song's a little late.

GG: *crestfallen* oh. *slumps off*

[Earniel]

*The mood under the TLA was sort of sad after Fingolfiana's funeral, or better, the funeral of what was left of Fingolfiana.*

Willow: Well, we can't say we didn't try to stop her....

Katt: True, not even chocolate could hold her back. And when that doesn't help anymore, there's no point in trying.

Eärniel: But guys, don't we have a little bit of a problem now? After all she was a member of the TLA. She was with us when we defeated the Smaugettes - or when we will beat the Smaugettes - with us being now back into the past and all... Don't we have a slight continuity problem now?

GG: *scratches head* Dunno, didn't think of it that way. Is she really dead?

Finrod: Rest assured, we burried her. No one can be spread in that many pieces and still be alive.

Eärniel: Ew.

Christiana: *smiling* Relax guys, it's not as bad as you think.

Claedhros: That's what you say. But hey, don't I know you from somewhere? You look oddly familiar, a bit like shish-kebab Fingolfiana.

Christiana: *still smiling* The reports about my supposed death are greatly exaggerated...

*silence*

*all stare*

Christiana: Doesn't ring a bell?

*crickets*

Christiana: *sigh* I was Fingolfiana remember? Eru gave me a new body, he said I wasn't getting that easily of the hook. Whatever that means....

Eärniel: You mean, you aren't dead?

Christiana: 10 points for the most obvious statement.

*The TLA wanted to throw a party for this great news, however they had spend the better part of their budget on the special effects of the war and they were forced to continue to the next chapter without even as much as a bathroom break.*

[Nazgûl Queen]

Meanwhile, a young boy from the house of Beor observed the TLA in action and decided that anywhere in Middleearth would be better than being among these psychos. Thus saying, he left a note for his Dad and ran off in a search for sane people.

Dear Dad,

Thanks for raising me, but i think grandaddy's getting senile. These elf-creatures are not to be trusted. So I'm going searching for the men down south who had the sense to stay apart. Wish me luck!

With him he took the ring given his father by Felagund, having always been a kleptomaniac, and the nicest sword in the armory so he could fight off any annoying elves. Making his way south through lands known to be terrible but didn't seem so bad to him, he found his way into a hidden city that seemed safe from the evil elves.

Unfortunately for him, he was in a city of elves. And elves don't like intruders.

(OOC: Fighting Morgoth, running away from TLAers... same dif. Poor guy, he doesn't know what he's in for!)

[Christiana]

Christiana: but i have to go!

*thats what trees are for*
Christiana:ewww the disgusting

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: "Christiana: *still smiling* The reports about my supposed death are greatly exaggerated..." ST: TNG right? Picard almost dies getting his artificial heart fixed and Polaski saves him. I didn't really like Polaski. I got it though!

[Earniel]

*the TLA trample muttering and complaining into the next chapter that takes them back to Doriath.*

Katt: Doriath, Doriath, why does that name sounds familiar?

Tano: Because we've been here before, remember? We were here as fairy gothmothers to Thingol's and Melian's newborn kid.

Claedhros: I think the term is fairy godmothers.

Tano: You think? I quite like gothmothers....

Maggie: That's been quite a while, little Morauthien should be grown by now. I wonder if she'll turn out just the way we blessed her....

Arcala: Didn't you bless her to marry a man?

Maggie: *smiles fondly at the memory* Oh yes, I did.

Christiana: Well, her dad wasn't so happy with it, I remember. I heard he plans to kill any man that comes close to Menegroth. Aparantly he'll do anything to stop the blessing from coming true.

Maggie: That's pretty rude of him. I worked very hard to bless that child!

Eärniel: No, you didn't. You just blurted it out.

Maggie: Did not!

Eärniel: Did!

Maggie: Did not!

Eärniel: Did!

Maggie: *waves finger* Don't make me repeat myself.

Eärniel: But... oh fine, have it your way.

Maggie: Thank you.

Claedhros: Still... if Thingol will kill any man that comes near Menegroth, the blessing won't come true anyway.

Katt: True. The thing is: what are we going to do about it?

Arcala: We could.... you know.... interfere.

*A silence falls. The TLA look at each other and then all start to smile insanely which is usually the indication that they like the answer.*

Maggie: *rises* Ladies, we have to find Morauthien a suitable man.

Eärniel: *jumps up* Alright! Let's hunt some men!

*silence*

Eärniel: That came out wrong, didn't it?

EDIT: Edited Finrod out

[Finrod Felagund]

OOC: Actually I, Finrod, would currently not be with you, but ruling my kingdom of Nargothrond.

[goldiegollum]

GG: *makes odd humming 'ing' noise* It's not working!

*she whacks the ground which was unforutnatley hard rocks*

GG: Hey! ouch! you changed it, it was grass!

*smirk*

GG: I just don't understand what she wants me to do *makes odd humming noise again* she said to try to get the sound to come from *more odd humming* ACH! oh i give up, I don't need a voice teacher in Middle earth, much less odd humming noises that seem to be atracting the wierdest kinds of birds.

*excuse me, but i don't believe i said anything about your odd vocal exercizes atracting odd birds*

GG: that's completley irrelevent.

*drn*

*from somewhere near by*: Let's hunt some men!

GG: HUZZAH! (is that used right? oh well.) *she runs off to join them in whatever it was that sounded fun and exciting*

[Nazgûl Queen]

*Beren had just sat down to have a small lunch under a tree, thinking himself safe, when he heard some familiar voices...*

Tano: The problem is, she said a nice man. Now, where are we going to find one of those?

Maggie: Hmmm... maybe we should go back to the ones who Finrod found.

Eärniel: Although, there was a lovely young boy who left that note for his grandfather... Baril?

*His eyes widening in surprise, Beren moved around the tree to see the people from whom he had been trying to escape... and they were talking about him! With little care for his discovery, he picked up his pack and bolted as far away from them*

Eärniel: ...what was that noise?

Maggie: Dunno, shall we find out?

*Beren kept running for many hours, until he slipped his way over a wall and into the safety of a garden. There, his eyes widened as he beheld the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. She was a few inches taller than him, with pale skin, blue eyes and long black hair, which revealed...*

Beren: An ELF?!

Morauthien: *spies the human and attempts to scream, but Beren puts his hand over her mouth*

Beren: If you scream, I'm dead. Please, don't let the TLA find me!

Morauthien: *biting his hand so he releases her mouth* The TLA? My daddy hates them, he'll protect you. Are you a nice elf?

*luckily for Beren, his decidedly unpointed ears were hidden by his hair, unusually long for a guy.*

Beren: Erm... of course... *trying to look elven, he follows the elf princess into the halls of the king, finally safe from the TLA. For now.*

[Arcala]

Arcala: Now where did that noise come from? Bird, go look.

Bird: *waddles off with much grumbling*

*TLA search for a long time*

Bird: *waddles back* Didn't see anything.

Arcala: Maybe that's because you didn't fly anywhere, stupid.

Eärniel: Come to think of it, your bird is a little fat.

Bird: Hey! I resent that.

GG: Now what?

*TLA troops off to search elsewhere.*

ooc: Are the TLA supposed to follow Beren and Morauthien? I can edit, if they're supposed to.

[Earniel]

*And Morauthien helps Beren over his fear of Elves. Her being the most prettiest thing alive does help. Of course, the TLA is an entirely different matter. But since they -after usual habit- got lost several times and got completely off-track, the TLA are now man-hunting in a different place than where Beren is.*

Beren: Thank Eru.
Morauthien: Did you say anything?
Beren: Er.. nothing, especially since I'm completely speechless because you're so beautiful. Quite like chocolate, really. Only better.
Morauthien: *giggles*

*violine music starts playing*

Beren: stop that.

*Just trying to create the right atmosphere*

Morauthien: Oh, I don't need a narrator to create the right atmosphere for a friend.
Beren: *blushes at the mention of the the word 'friend'* Just what did you have in mind, then?
Morauthien: *giggles and whispers*
Beren: *blushes some more*

*Oh get a room, you two.*

*Sooooo, anyone with half a brain can see Morauthien and Beren quite like each other. And that's an understatement.*

*More giggling*

*But of course to every beautiful tale there's an end and other Elves were bound to discover Morauthien's little secret. So, being the wise Elf she is, Morauthien plans to introduce her lover to daddy.*

Beren: *panicking* WHAT?
Morauthien: Oh, don't be such a baby. Daddy's really friendly with most Elves. He doesn't really like mortal men or TLA, I don't know where he got that notion, though.
Beren: *swallows hard* Honey, I think there's something I have to tell you first....

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

*And so the TLA went man-hunting. A very prestegious sport among gods, especially favored by Katt."

Katt: Wait a moment guys, *tramps off into the bushes*

Tano: Oh no, what's she up to now.

*Screams are heard from out of the underbrush*

Maggie: Katt, *whiney* not again.

Katt: *emerging* No! It's all right! I just had to find my cuddlywumpus!

*Katt pulls a figure out of the bushes who promptly stands up and tries to look cool. Kind of hard when one has a tree branch sticking out of the back of one's shirt.*

Katt: This is Daeten (Day-ton), my little fluffy muffin cuttie!

Daeten: Katt, what am I doing here? Why don't we go back to that nice little closet?

Katt: Come on fuzzy, these are my friends. We're on a quest.

Daeten: Well then introduce me, my little booboocitos.

*The rest of the TLA was staring opened mouthed at this little interchange and had developed a slightly green tinge.*

Katt: Daeton, this is the TLA. TLA, this is my fuzzy little love tribble.

Maggie: NOT ANOTHER KID!

Daeten: No! Of course not!

Katt: *under her breath* Not yet anyway. *Smiles* Shall we go then?

*The TLA proceed with caution, trying to ignore the cooing from the back of the group. Occasionally a member would have to excuse themselves to be sick behind a nearbye tree.*

[The last sane person]

*oh god! leave the computer unattended for a minute and he nearly soils my account!*

[Tanoliel]

Tano: Hmmm....*leans over to Willow* I get the feeling she's starting a trend here. Want to make a bet on how many...er...sex kittens she'll have before the second age?

Willow: A bet?

Tano: Yeah. Betcha three free ride bus tickets that it's over ten.

ooc: Free ride tickets are what I win for bets in my political campaign office where I'm volunteering...muahaha...

[Willow Oran]

Willow: Only ten? I say she'll have gone through at least 15 by then. *pulls out a random compass* Hey ya'll! Doriath is that way!

*She points in the opposite direction, slowly the TLA starts to rotate their pattern of travel*

Tano: Hurry up everyone! We have to get there really soon, like before Thingol murders whatshisface!

*At this half the group breaks into a run and stampede by the amazed veterens, leaving Tano, Willow and Earniel to stare after them bemusedly while Katt and her 'cuddlymuffin' stroll obliviously along behind them.*

Earniel: Well, that solves that problem, Elu'll be so distracted by that he'll forget all about Beren until we can get there and figure out a solution.

Katt: *mutters of sickeningly cutsie endearments stop abruptly* Oh! Have we stopped for coffee?

OOC: You wouldn't believe how frightening it is to watch Katt and Daetan cuddling at school. Roya I'm surprised at you, how could could you let him use your account?