The Jokes Thread

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

hehe..no they're funny

my friend has a really strict catholic mom..so im going to tell her the priest one

[Baby-K]

(OK L_F_A, here's another, seems I can't help myself)

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up, where's the f***ing ship?"

[miss_poet]

Oh, that's good! You might have said this one but here goes:

A nun walks into the room: Mother, I have sinned.
Mother: What have you done?
Nun 1: I have stolen.
Mother: Go cleanse yourself in the holy water
So the nun goes and cleanses herself in the holy water.

A 2nd nun walks into the room: Mother, I have sinned.
Mother: What have you done?
Nun 2: I have murdered.
Mother: Go cleanse yourself in the holy water
So the 2nd nun goes and cleanses herself in the holy water.

A 3rd nun walks into the room: Mother, I have sinned.
Mother: What have you done?
Nun 3: I have peed in the holy water.

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

aw....we already heard this one

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

One hungry Bush...

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Rush Limbaugh once went out with one of the Roosevelts (don't remember which one, he wasn't in office). When the butler came, he said, "What would you like to eat, sir?"
Limbaugh said, "I'll have the biggest, reddest, juiciest steak you have."
"And for the vegetable, sir?"
"He'll have the same."

[Coney]

[Artanis]

LOL!
Garfield is da cat.

[Jonathan]

I love Garfield! Jim Davis is a genius!
Coney, that was the funniest post I've seen today

[Coney]

Ya gotta love the fat cat!

[Coney]

One more quick one........

[Hasty Ent]

Haven't read all 12 pages, so maybe these have been posted. Also, my apologies to anyone belonging to a labor union.


1) How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. You gotta problem with that?

2) What were the last words Jesus said to the Teamsters before he ascended to heaven after his resurrection? Don't do a thing 'til I get back.

3) Two Teamsters, Joe and Mike, are walking down the street. All of a sudden Joe stops and crushes a snail with his boot. Mike cries: Hey! What'd ya do that for? Joe replies: Damn snail's been following me around all day!

[miss_poet]

HAHAHAHAHA! ILMAO!!!!! LOL! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!! HEHEHEHEHE! HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!

I don't get it...

[gollum9630]

lazy teamsters. i wanna be one

[Tahquamenon]

What do you call 10000 orcs at the bottom of the ocean ???






A pretty good start





Old joke with a tolkien twist

[Baby-K]

Olaf took Inga home with him and took off his shirt.
Inga says, "Olaf dat's some chest you haff dare."
Olaf says, "Inga, dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."

Next he took off his pants.
Inga says, "Olaf dat's nice calves you haff dare."
Olaf says, "Inga dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."

Olaf quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants.....

Inga screamed and ran out the door. Olaf put his clothes back on and ran after her.
Catching her, Olaf said, "Inga, viy did you run out like dat?"
Inga said, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw da short fuse!"

[Gwaimir Windgem]

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden,
but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up
that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the
entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I
could do from here."

[Baby-K]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees and asks:

"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: ...."I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a sh*t."

(sorry - just had to bump the thread, ye can ignore it again from now)

[Linaewen]

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3. Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha.”
4. Hi-lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
5. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
6. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair-dancing.
9. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
10. Send email messages saying there’s free pizza or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they’ve found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that!”

[Rían]

I heard this joke the other day and thought it was hilarious!


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The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon
on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat
(zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off,
saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out
to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back
to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope
amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page
photos, of the event.

The banner headline is "Bush Can't Swim."

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