Tolkien Lovers Anonymous

[Tanoliel]

(It's...uh...more than a little weird to think of "Frodo" and "Gollum" as one non-Tolkienite person...heh...I like it. )

Tano: Well, I can't help you there. It's all we've got, I'm afraid. Besides apples. And I'll probably eat most of those.
Glodo: We could...go to the store?
Eruviel: No. We must continue the quest.
Tano: Oh, honestly...
Elf Girl: She's right. We must go on. I think you must learn to accept the lembas. *turns to rest of Cellowship* Frodo liked them...she's got to eat them sometime, hasn't she?
Tano: One would think....I will, if she won't. *EG kicks her* OW! So sue me, I'm a hobbit...food-oriented, you know...

-tano

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

EG: Now let us continue on our quest. We have eaten, and now it is time to go onward.
Glodo: *clutching the phone* my preciousssss
The company smiles in Glodo's direction; She's learning.
EG: hey, Earniel, before we set off, do you have any more Miruvor from the house of Elrond Half-elven?
Earniel: Sure, I got some right here. I'll pass it around, but don't take too much! Use it sparingly, we have but a little. *she passes it around, after taking a large swig herself*
And the company sets off...

ooc: uh, guys? where are we headed? I mean, which direction?

[Elf Girl]

*all reach harbour*

Elf Girl: We have reached the shore!

Eärniel: How will we get across?

Elf Girl: On this boat Cirdan built me.

Counselor: No. NO! I am not setting foot on a boat. They make me queasy.

Eruviel: You shall have to. But are we sure this won't land us in Valinor?

Elf Girl: Yes, we are. I should think I would know the location of my own country! Come the boat is over here. *walks up dock and gets on a seemingly random boat* Get in and we'll untie it! *all get in, Counselor forced in unwillingly. Eärniel unties boat*

Counselor: Ugh...

Elf Girl: So, uh, anyone know anything about boats?

[Elf Girl]

OOC: I was tired of walking, so now we can do seasickness things for a while.

[Renille]

Renille- Ummm...they're supposed to float...

Eruviel- NO...really? How surprising.

Renille-I was merely being sarcastic.

Eruviel- NO...really? How surprising.

Elf Girl- Stop that, you two. Or see the power of Gandgirl the Green unveiled!

Tano- I'm a Took! I know boats!

Earniel and Eruviel- We're elves, we know boats!

Elf Girl- Good. You are official co-captains of the vessel. I'll map out the course.

Renille-What am I going to do?

Elf Girl- Oh , you?You're in charge of Glodo. Now let's go!

Renille-Oh joy.

Glodo- *looks queasy and green as she sits in the boat.*

[Earniel]

Gandgirl the neon leads the two co-captains to a cabin inside. She opens a box filled with maps and papers and takes one out. She rolls the map open on the table.

Elf Girl: *points at map* So at the moment we are here. And we need to get to here.

Eruviel: *whispers to Eärniel* I feel a déja-vu coming up...

But before Eärniel can reply Elf Girl looks up with a frown and says: Look, I'm trying to explain things here. Would you mind to actually listen?

Both elves snap to attention: Yes M'am!

The three of them bend over the maps.

Eruviel: Well, going from here to here seems easy enough.

Eärniel: Yeah, it looks easy on paper, but what about sea currents, prevailing winds? We have a crew that doesn't know how to handle a ship...*stops to look at Eruviel and Gandgirl who are staring at her* What? *slightly insulted* Well excuse me not because I spend that much time in kitchens doesn't mean I know a thing or two about ships. See my name? Eärniel you know, eär meaning sea and stuff? I'm a bloody Falathrim!

Gandgirl and Eruviel still stare.

Eärniel: Oh you didn't know that?

Eruviel: Um..no?

Eärniel: Drat, I was so sure I mentioned it when I applied for that vacant post in the Cellowship....

Elf Girl: Anyway...Can we concentrate on the way ahead?

Eruviel: Alright but it does look like its not going to be such an easy crossing. We left the harbour rather hasty. I know speed is in order for our quest but are we able to handle this sea voyage?

Eärniel: Not to mention, do we have enough supplies?

The halt as they hear screams on deck.



Elf girl, you've read my mind. I was just thinking of bringing the Cellowship to the sea myself.

[Elf Girl]

Haha! I am GandGirl the reader of minds! Anyway,


*screams on dock continue*
Random Guy on Dock: My boat! Who are those crazy people in my boat!

Eruviel: *to Elf Girl* But I thought you said Cirdan-

Elf Girl: Shush! So I exaggerated a little! We'll be fine!

Random Guy: My booooooat!!!

[Renille]

*MEANWHILE, Renille is holding back Glodo's hair as she becomes seasick again and again and again...you get the picture.*

Renille- Umm...are you okay?

Glodo- *groan* Not really.

Renille- You do realize, don't you, that we just got off the peir?

Glodo- WE'RE OFF THE PEIR?! Ugghh... *passes out*

Renille- Great. GANDGIRL!

Elf Girl- What?

Renille- Glodo just fainted.

Elf Girl- I see that.

Ervuiel- *coming up from behind* Great! Now we're going to an unknown destination in a stolen boat, and the phonebearer is seasick? What could be worse?

Earniel-*following Eruviel* Um...the coast guard is following us.

Cellowship-WHAT?

Earniel- They're shouting something about freaks in a stolen boat...I haven't seen them, have you?

[Willow Oran]

OOC:I'm back!!!!!!!! Sorry I've been away so long. Anyway...

IC

Willow(Merry): Uh... Guys? Those coast guard elves really don't look happy.

Tano: Oh they're just upset about those freaks in the stolen boat.

Eruviel:Ya, Don't worry I'm sure they'll find them, you don't have to be afraid of the nasty pirates.

Gandgirl: Pirates? We have to deal with pirates as well?

Earniel: No, I think They're trying to assure Willow that the coast elves will catch the freaks who stole a boats.

Willow:But I'm worried that they will catch the people who stole the boat, We are the people who stole the boat! Honestly, Am I the only sane one here?

Renille:Someone break out the sugar. We can't have members of the cellowship going sane on us.

Tano: The phone must be affecting her, it's alright Willow we won't let they phone take you over.

Eruviel:You know, she could be right about those coast elves, they're heading right for us...

[Earniel]

Eärniel: Freaks? They call us freaks?

Renille: We maybe freaks but I resent being called a boatthief!

Willow Oran: We are boatthiefs!

Renille: No we're not, we're just borrowing one....

Glodo: *waking up and temporarily forgetting to be seasick* The coast guard! I'm saved! *starts waving and jumping up and down* I'm here! Help! I'm abducted! Save me!

Eruviel: You hear that? After all we have done for her....How ungrateful *sniff*

Gandgirl: *hits Glodo unceremonious on the head who then falls to the deck* Fne, there goes my reputation.... Take her below deck.

*some TLA-members carry the counsellor away*

Eärniel: We're doomed! They are gaining on us! I don't wanna go to prison!* hides behind Gandgirl*

*The TLA watch helplessly as the coast guard draws closer.... suddenly a swishing sound is heard and something large sails over the heads of the Cellowship. Something large also hits the coastguardboat and sinks it.

The Cellowship turns around. Tanoliel stands next to a large ondeck catapult, she is holding a piece of rope that is used to trigger the device.*

Tanoliel: What? Why are you staring? Did you want to get caught, then?

Willow: You...um you...sank a boat of the coast guard!

Tanoliel: *shrugs*We have a duty, can't go having nice looking coast guards destract us.

Elf Girl: Somehow I think they weren't planning on destracting us.

Eruviel: I'm not sure who to fear more: Tano or the coast guard.

Elf Girl: Well at the moment there isn't much to fear from the coats guard. Will you stop that? *to Eärniel who is still hiding behind the wizard*The coast guard are gone, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Eärniel: *comes out of hiding and straightens up* I knew that, just checking if you did.

[Renille]

*whispered conference between the cellowship, excluding Tano.*

Tano- What are you guys talking about?

Elf Girl- Congratulations, Tanoliel...I mean...Peregrin Took! You have achieved the rank of " dangerous insane hobbit Class A!"

Willow- You were SO brave in front of the guard. I'm glad to have you as a "cousin!"

Tano- Wow...you guys are so awesome...I don't know what to say.

Cellowship- HOW ABOUT THANK YOU?

Tano- Okay. Thanks.

Renille- Heehee.

Eärniel: What?

Renille- I have something to celebrate with. DON'T TELL GLODO!

Eruviel- Uhh...are you okay? What illegal stuff did you bring?

Renille- Of course I'm okay. And this stuff isn't illegal. I found it in my sweatshirt pocket in my pack from home. Mini chocolate bars! Enough for one each.

[Tanoliel]

Tano: Mmm....chocolate is always good as a celebratory food!

ooc: Gosh, thanks, ya'll....*sniff* it means so much! Heh....my friend has labeled me "worse than clowns." Figure that one out.

-tano

[Elf Girl]

*all munch chocolate*

Elf Girl: *through large mouthful* Enough! We must keep an eye to our course, I see the Rangers on the shore in another boat. There is a slightly green-looking man in a blue uniform with them. Eärniel, he looks suprisingly like the man who removed you from the supermarket. Maybe he has Sting, and you will be armed again!

Counselor: *wakes up again* HEEEEEEEEELP!!!

Elf Girl: I'm afraid if I hit her again I'll kill her. Do something!

Eärniel: All right. *steers boat so it hits the wake of a larger boat*

Counselor: *is sick as the boat rocks* Oogh...

Eärniel: *pleased* That should do it! But Glodo, you don't look in any shape for your chocolat bar, can I have it?

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

Eruviel: Arrr, maties! *tano slaps Eruviel and she snaps out of pirate-mode* I mean. . .*she eats more chocolate*
Tano: This is good chocolate!
Elf Girl: Thanks, Renille
The rest of the company, excluding Glodo: Aye, thank you Renille!
Eruviel: *looking off to the distance* Uh-oh. I see another ship. It is black, with a black sail, and it appears to be sailing toward us!
Tano: A ship? Where? I see no ship!
Earniel: There, off in the distance. Only one with the eyes of an elf could see it.
Eruviel: I think it's following us.
Elf Girl: Inconceivable!

[Earniel]

Eärniel: *happily munching away Glodo's chocolate bar*whether it's inconceivable or not we ARE being tailed and I don't like the looks of it.

*Glodo looks up from another attack of seasickness and hears the TLA talking of the arrival of the new boat. She stands up (although a bit shaky) and opens her mouth to speak.

Tanoliel: *threatening* If you go screaming again you and my ondeck catapult are going to have a little chat together!

Glodo *groans as she slumps back on the deck* Unggg don't say that!

Tanoliel: What? On deck?

Glodo *becoming a darker shade of green* agl

Elf Girl: Tano you can't use your catapult on the Phonebearer!

Tanoliel: Why not?

Elf Girl:You fool of a Took! We still need her!

Tanoliel: Oh...yeah...*mutters* Drat...

*meanwhile the black ship is coming closer so now all TLA-members can see it.

Willow Oran: It looks kinda scary......

Eruviel: Aye, do you think they're pirates?

all TLA-members: DON'T YOU START!

Eruviel: I wasn't! Honestly I was just wondering!

[Elf Girl]

*the owner of the boat pops on the deck of the black one*

Boat Owner: Aha! I've got you now! *green-looking policeman appears on deck*

Eärniel: Oi! Mister Ranger! Have you got my sword?

Policeman: A sword! The're armed!

Elf Girl: Here, take this! *hurls a chocolate bar at policeman. It lands in his mouth*

Policeman: *chokes* Oomph!

Eärniel: *sniff* GandGirl...what a sacrafice...

[Renille]

Renille- PUSH HIM IN, PUSH HIM IN! (Does so)

Elf Girl- What are you doing?

Renille- Protecting the Cellowship...my job. Remember?

Elf Girl- No, that's MY job!

Renille- Oops...sorry. But you helped alot!

Tano- I wanted to use the catapult again!

Eruviel- Umm...you guys? I don't think that guy can swim.

Tano- Haha...yes!*catapults the end of the string to the policeman.

Cellowship Pulls him in and binds him.

Elf Girl- The rest of you Rangers! We come in peace! We have a hostage that we will release to you only when you let us pass! Let us pass!

Willow- Glodo just became seasick again.
EVERYONE- *groan*

[Tanoliel]

The other policeman: Come on, you guys, just turn yourselves in....it'll be a lot less trouble that way.
Tano: turn ourselves in?
Renille: They really ARE pirates!
EG: ARRR, maties!
Everyone: quiet, you!
EG: Heh. Right. *eats more chocolate*
Tano: We call for a parley! *grabs white flag--Eru knows where she got it, just don't ask--and, with the flag in her teeth, scrambles up the mast, where she fixes the flag on the top.* (Have we got a mast? Oh, well....he do now.)
Policeguy: No, miss, really, we just want the boat back...
Gandgirl: We'll give you back the hostage if you let us pass freely...
(everyone holds their breath, waiting in a very dramatic moment, as the policeman considers....)

CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!
-tano

[Elf Girl]

Suddenly Glodo cuts in with

Glodo: Aaah! Help! Save me! *is seasick* They've kidnapped me! *sudden change comes over her* Nasty elves, yes, that's why we tries to escape, yes, nasty elveses...*all on boat cheer*

Policeman: What? Huh? Are you in danger, miss?

Eärniel: Mister Ranger! DO...YOU...HAVE...MY...SWORD?!

Policeman: Sword again! They're- *Elf Girl pulls out taut bow and arrow, and neon green sparks shoot from her staff* armed...

[Earniel]

Elf Girl: stand back, every one! This foe is too large for any off you to fight!

Eärniel: Who ever said fighting? I. Want. My. Sword. Back. And I want it NOW!!!!

Elf Girl: *angrily*Stop whining! Just go eat some more chocolate!

Eärniel:*insulted* Don't you stereotype me! *but munches away a candybar anyway*

*The TLA give Gandgirl some room. Willow pulls Eärniel back. In awe they look upon the wizardess. Gandgirl seem to grow and her majestic voice is heard far over the water.*


Gandgirl: *booming voice*You shall not pursue us any longer! I am the wielder of the yet uncommercialised green neon fire! Your course will lead thee to thy doom! The ship will be returned when it has served it's purpose! This I Gandgirl the Neongreen tells thee! Now turn thy ship!

The TLA wait in wonder for the pursuing Rangers to reply. The Ranger looks strangely unimpressed if only a bit baffled by the strangeness of the demand. Then he pulls out a megaphone and lo! His voice rivals Gandgirls voice!

Policeman: This is the police! Stop the engines and turn yourselves in! I repeat! Surrender the vessel!

Eruviel: *shrieks and presses her hands against her ears* There's a fell voice on the air!

Renille: It's the voice of Sarumaaaaaan!!!

*Eärniel and Tanoliel hide in terror behind the catapult. Gandgirl looks baffled for a second than she recovers and faces the policemen angrily*

Gandgirl: It is unwise to threaten Wizards, foul ally of Saruman! For they are quick to anger and their anger better be feared!