The Jokes Thread

[Coney]

The Ulitmat Blonde Joke

[Linaewen]

Originally posted by Coney
The Ulitmat Blonde Joke

I suspected it would be one of those. So, I quit after the 100th time. (j/k o' course. I'm not blonde. I've got yellow hair)

It is not, it's one of those silly Vampire/Zombie Attack sites.

I concur!

[Lady of Rohan]

Originally posted by jerseydevil
never knew there was such rivalry among the Scandanavian countries. it almost sounds like the stuff between the US and Canada.

I don't know about you (well, actually I do, becuase you just said it but....), but where I am at least, we don't have any jokes about America. The only bad jokes about other people of colonies or whatever are about Blonds and Noufies (spl?).

[Baby-K]

St Peter, in a very worried state, called all of his apostles and
disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

Two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. St Peter, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:

"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU MOTHER F****CKKKEEEERS! EVERYONE UP AGAINST THE WALL!"

[Artanis]

Hehe.


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers?

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

[Baby-K]

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the Ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr.Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the cage down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it
at him" he says... This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you Have a headache."

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

Originally posted by Coney
The Ulitmat Blonde Joke

i cant get to it! all i get are links..can someone post the site?

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

[Sheeana]

Originally posted by Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn
i cant get to it! all i get are links..can someone post the site?

Everybody point and laugh.

[Ruinel]

Originally posted by Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn
59. Is that a second belly button?

There's a song... I can't say much about it... but there's a song... "Don't want no short **** man" ... and the singer says, "Is that your belly button?... get the f*** outa here!" It's hillarious. It reminded me of your joke. LOL!


... errr... no offense guys.

Originally posted by Sheeana
Everybody point and laugh.

Now that's not very nice. Although, that jokes been around a long time.

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

*Sniff* that isnt very nice

can i have the link....pretty please....with sugar on top?

[Khamûl]

Originally posted by Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn
*Sniff* that isnt very nice

can i have the link....pretty please....with sugar on top?

So who wants to explain it to L_F_A? If no one has explained it to you by this time tomorrow, I'll gladly explain the joke to you.

Just to give you a hint: there's absolutely nothing wrong with the link that Coney gave.

[Baby-K]

Originally posted by Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn
*Sniff* that isnt very nice

can i have the link....pretty please....with sugar on top?

Sweetie, the links are the joke (you go from one link to the next to the next, there is no actual site - it's designed to keep blondes busy )

Now, don't waste yer sugar on us, your innocence is enough to keep us laughing our @sses off

(usually explaining the joke takes the fun out of it, but in this case it's a joke in itself )

L_F_A - I'm kidding, please don't feel offended, I'd hate to be responsible for yet another teenage self esteem breakdown related psychosis leading to the mass murder of innocent ants

[Baby-K]

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case.

They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is
inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent
pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid, Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm just messing with you man , she's dead"

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

Ah..i get it. Wow....i am truley a dumb blonde ditz.

yea well...your not getting my sugar anyway...i already ate it with caitlin

[Baby-K]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock In the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Baby-K]

What do you do if a small dog (like a poodle) humps yer leg?

Kick it off

What do you do if a big dog (like a Rotweiler) humps yer leg?

Fake an orgasm


*drumroll please - K wins for corny joke of the day*

[Baby-K]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous, on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “ Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry",
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[Baby-K]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her 8 children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!"
The blind man replies, "If you would have put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus right now, so shut up.

[Baby-K]

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.....When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and started talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I'm SURE mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

(Seems I've been taking over the thread, sorry 'bout that - I wont post any more jokes ok - will give someone else a chance)