Tolkien jokes

GrayMouser · 07-23-2010, 05:06 AM

Thought there was a thread on this from way back, but couldn't find it in the archives.

Jokes about Middle-Earth, not humor from Tolkien- new, old, shaggy, puns....just adapt them to LoTR and let them fly.

One I first heard many moons ago, and I'm sure I've posted before...

Q: How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They don't change it; they just sit around in the dark singing sad songs about the Glory of the Light That Was.

GrayMouser · 07-23-2010, 05:16 AM

And a couple of my own (maybe you can tell)

Bert, Tom and Bill have finally decided they're going to roast Thorin Oakenshield & Co. when they hear a crashing and banging coming through the woods.

"Sounds like another troll," says Bert. "Why, it's Bruce Huggins, our long-lost cousin from Australia."

"G'day, mates," says Bruce, "Yea, I just got in from Down Under and I'm famished. Whatcher cookin'? Man-flesh?"

"No," says Tom, "Dwarves. They're like Men, but I'm afraid they're a lot smaller. Still want one?"

"No worries, mate," says Bruce, "Toss another shrimp on the barbie."
.........

And from Narnia:

Trumpkin and Reepicheep walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What are you doing hanging out with that hairy little rat?"

So Trumpkin says "He's not a rat, he's a Talking Mouse."

And the bartender says "I was Talking to the Mouse."

....Thank you, thank you, I'll be appearing at the Prancing Pony all this week...

Keith K · 11-12-2010, 09:19 PM

Okay, I'll give this thread a shot...

Q: What do you call a wise man of Rohan with a happy wife?

A: A Cunning Eorlingas.

(groan, sorry)...

Gwaimir Windgem · 11-13-2010, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keith K

Okay, I'll give this thread a shot...

Q: What do you call a wise man of Rohan with a happy wife?

A: A Cunning Eorlingas.

(groan, sorry)...

*second and a half of incomprehension*

*mouths the punch line*

OH!

Keith K · 11-13-2010, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gwaimir Windgem

*second and a half of incomprehension*

*mouths the punch line*

OH!

Yeah, they even had a smiley for it!

Keith K · 11-15-2010, 08:33 PM

How 'bout limericks?

There was a young hobbit from Scary
whose feet just wouldn't get hairy.
His shame went away
when he strapped on toupees,
After that he was quite ordinary.

the insane one · 01-07-2011, 03:49 PM

Why do you not see the eaves of fanghorn on the tv.

It got axed.

very sorry, that was the best i could do

Serenoli · 03-24-2011, 02:20 AM

I love this thread, why isn't it continuing...

and i loved ur joke, insane one

Insidious Rex · 03-24-2011, 01:29 PM

A human, an elf, a hobbit and a dwarf walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they want. The human asks for a lager and the bar tender pours it for him. The elf asks for a fruity drink and the bartender makes it for him. The hobbit says he doesnt care as long as it comes in a whole pint so the bartender gets him a pint of something. And the dwarf says he wants a mug of good ale to which the bartender replies, "sorry pal. We dont serve miners here..."

Lefty Scaevola · 03-25-2011, 01:36 PM

To enter the Tower of Ecthelion, one has to pass through a series of doors. When young Eomer was visiting Minas Tirith, Boromir took him to the tower and taught the ritual for entering. They go through the first door and a normal walk, they march through the 2nd, they goosestep throught the third, they hopt through the 4th, they do a John Cleese silly walk through the 5th, when they get to 6th, Eomer ask how many further doors are there, and why can't we just walk in. Boromir says "One does not simply walk into more doors".

GrayMouser · 03-26-2011, 10:57 AM

Well, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one so warped.

Only one I've come up with lately is another Narnia one:

Guy walks into the High Court of Narnia, King Edmund the Just presiding, and demands to be allowed to file an anti-discrimination lawsuit:

"How come only Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve can be Kings and Queens of Narnia?"

"Two problems", says Edmund. "First of all, these laws were laid down by Aslan, who is All-Wise and All-just, and secondly, I can plainly see you're human- you don't have standing; nobody's discriminating against you."

"I'm just like the White Witch", says the fellow."Not a drop of Human blood in me. My father was a minotaur, and my mother was a centaur. I inherited my human-looking bottom half from my father, and my human-looking top half from my mother."

"Anyway", he continues," I'm filing this case on behalf of my brother who's standing next to me here. As you can see, he received a different genetic heritage from our parents, and he says nothing can stop him from filing this lawsuit- he doesn't care about your dumb Aslan or his stupid laws."

"Well", says King Edmund, stroking his beard judiciously, "I can plainly see he's a bull-headed horse's ass...."

GrayMouser · 03-26-2011, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keith K

Okay, I'll give this thread a shot...

Q: What do you call a wise man of Rohan with a happy wife?

A: A Cunning Eorlingas.

(groan, sorry)...

Never would have dared to go for that, but...

***Rían*** · 03-28-2011, 12:51 AM

You guys!

Nice thread, GM!

Thorir Orcbane · 03-28-2011, 04:23 PM

Q: Why didn't Gandalf ride Gwaihir over the Crack of Doom?

A: Because Gwaihir was just a big chicken!

Tinman · 03-30-2011, 01:18 PM

Why did the hobbit blush when he met bilbo?

Because he's dyslexic.

Thorir Orcbane · 03-30-2011, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinman

Why did the hobbit blush when he met bilbo?

Because he's dyslexic.

Heh?

thekingofgondor · 03-30-2011, 07:55 PM

One of my favorite jokes from the books themselves (specifically the end of the Return of the King) is after the Scouring of the Shire, when the Hobbits are rebuilding everything, and Tolkien describes the process of coming up with a new name for the reconstructed Bagshot Row, and after saying that they finally settled on simply "New Row," he says how "it was a purely Bywater joke to refer to it as Sharkey's End." (Seeing as it was right near where Saruman met his gruesome end by the hand of Wormtongue slicing open his throat.)

Midge · 03-31-2011, 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinman

Why did the hobbit blush when he met bilbo?

Because he's dyslexic.

I get it. I kind of wish I didn't. I thought dyslexia was just switching around letters, not seeing letters backwards (hint hint).

Also it might make a little more sense if he read about bilbo.

07-23-2010, 05:06 AM	#1
GrayMouser Elf Lord Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Ilha Formosa Posts: 2,068	Tolkien jokes Thought there was a thread on this from way back, but couldn't find it in the archives. Jokes about Middle-Earth, not humor from Tolkien- new, old, shaggy, puns....just adapt them to LoTR and let them fly. One I first heard many moons ago, and I'm sure I've posted before... Q: How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb? A: They don't change it; they just sit around in the dark singing sad songs about the Glory of the Light That Was. __________________ Glendower: I can call spirits from the vasty deep. Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them? "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, but pigs treat us as equals."- Winston Churchill Last edited by GrayMouser : 07-23-2010 at 05:24 AM.

07-23-2010, 05:16 AM	#2
GrayMouser Elf Lord Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Ilha Formosa Posts: 2,068	And a couple of my own (maybe you can tell) Bert, Tom and Bill have finally decided they're going to roast Thorin Oakenshield & Co. when they hear a crashing and banging coming through the woods. "Sounds like another troll," says Bert. "Why, it's Bruce Huggins, our long-lost cousin from Australia." "G'day, mates," says Bruce, "Yea, I just got in from Down Under and I'm famished. Whatcher cookin'? Man-flesh?" "No," says Tom, "Dwarves. They're like Men, but I'm afraid they're a lot smaller. Still want one?" "No worries, mate," says Bruce, "Toss another shrimp on the barbie." ......... And from Narnia: Trumpkin and Reepicheep walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What are you doing hanging out with that hairy little rat?" So Trumpkin says "He's not a rat, he's a Talking Mouse." And the bartender says "I was Talking to the Mouse." ....Thank you, thank you, I'll be appearing at the Prancing Pony all this week... __________________ Glendower: I can call spirits from the vasty deep. Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them? "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, but pigs treat us as equals."- Winston Churchill Last edited by GrayMouser : 07-23-2010 at 05:32 AM.

01-07-2011, 03:49 PM	#7
the insane one Sapling Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: England Posts: 11	Why do you not see the eaves of fanghorn on the tv. It got axed. very sorry, that was the best i could do __________________ "I liked white better," i said. "White!" he sneered "It serves as the begining. White cloth may be dyed. The white page may be overwritten; and the white light may be broken." "in which case is is no longer white" siad I. "And he that breaks something to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom."

03-24-2011, 02:20 AM	#8
Serenoli Head of the Department for the Invention and Propagation of Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice! Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Ithilien Posts: 852	I love this thread, why isn't it continuing... and i loved ur joke, insane one __________________ "I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?" Death thought about it. "Cats," he said eventually. "Cats are nice." -Terry Pratchett, Sourcery Join the Harry Potter discussion, click here

03-24-2011, 01:29 PM	#9
Insidious Rex Quasi Evil Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Maryland, US Posts: 4,634	A human, an elf, a hobbit and a dwarf walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they want. The human asks for a lager and the bar tender pours it for him. The elf asks for a fruity drink and the bartender makes it for him. The hobbit says he doesnt care as long as it comes in a whole pint so the bartender gets him a pint of something. And the dwarf says he wants a mug of good ale to which the bartender replies, "sorry pal. We dont serve miners here..." __________________ "People's political beliefs don't stem from the factual information they've acquired. Far more the facts people choose to believe are the product of their political beliefs." "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

11-12-2010, 09:19 PM	#3
Keith K Elf Lord Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: charlotte, n.c. Posts: 1,081	Okay, I'll give this thread a shot... Q: What do you call a wise man of Rohan with a happy wife? A: A Cunning Eorlingas. (groan, sorry)...

11-15-2010, 08:33 PM	#6
Keith K Elf Lord Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: charlotte, n.c. Posts: 1,081	How 'bout limericks? There was a young hobbit from Scary whose feet just wouldn't get hairy. His shame went away when he strapped on toupees, After that he was quite ordinary.

03-25-2011, 01:36 PM	#10
Lefty Scaevola AngAdan Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Boerne, Texas Posts: 856	To enter the Tower of Ecthelion, one has to pass through a series of doors. When young Eomer was visiting Minas Tirith, Boromir took him to the tower and taught the ritual for entering. They go through the first door and a normal walk, they march through the 2nd, they goosestep throught the third, they hopt through the 4th, they do a John Cleese silly walk through the 5th, when they get to 6th, Eomer ask how many further doors are there, and why can't we just walk in. Boromir says "One does not simply walk into more doors". __________________ Gaius Mucius Scaevola Older, richer, and wiser than you "Mighty are the Ainur, and mightiest among them is Melkor, but that he may know, and all the Ainur, that I am Iluvatar, those things that ye have sung, I will show them forth, ... And thou, Melkor, shalt see that no theme may be played that hath not its uttermost source in me," Last edited by Lefty Scaevola : 03-28-2011 at 05:54 PM.

03-26-2011, 10:57 AM	#11
GrayMouser Elf Lord Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Ilha Formosa Posts: 2,068	Well, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one so warped. Only one I've come up with lately is another Narnia one: Guy walks into the High Court of Narnia, King Edmund the Just presiding, and demands to be allowed to file an anti-discrimination lawsuit: "How come only Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve can be Kings and Queens of Narnia?" "Two problems", says Edmund. "First of all, these laws were laid down by Aslan, who is All-Wise and All-just, and secondly, I can plainly see you're human- you don't have standing; nobody's discriminating against you." "I'm just like the White Witch", says the fellow."Not a drop of Human blood in me. My father was a minotaur, and my mother was a centaur. I inherited my human-looking bottom half from my father, and my human-looking top half from my mother." "Anyway", he continues," I'm filing this case on behalf of my brother who's standing next to me here. As you can see, he received a different genetic heritage from our parents, and he says nothing can stop him from filing this lawsuit- he doesn't care about your dumb Aslan or his stupid laws." "Well", says King Edmund, stroking his beard judiciously, "I can plainly see he's a bull-headed horse's ass...." __________________ Glendower: I can call spirits from the vasty deep. Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them? "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, but pigs treat us as equals."- Winston Churchill

03-28-2011, 12:51 AM	#13
*Rían* Half-Elven Princess of Rabbit Trails and Harp-Wielding Administrator (beware the Rubber Chicken of Doom!) Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Not where I want to be ... Posts: 15,254	You guys! Nice thread, GM! __________________ . I should be doing the laundry, but this is MUCH more fun! Ñá ë?* óú éä ïöü Öñ É Þ ð ß ® ç å ™ æ ♪ ?* "How lovely are Thy dwelling places, O Lord of hosts! ... For a day in Thy courts is better than a thousand outside." (from Psalm 84) * * * God rocks! Entmoot : Veni, vidi, velcro - I came, I saw, I got hooked! Ego numquam pronunciare mendacium, sed ego sum homo indomitus! Run the earth and watch the sky ... Auta i lómë! Aurë entuluva!

03-28-2011, 04:23 PM	#14
Thorir Orcbane Hobbit Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Where the shadows of the ancient world still dwell. Posts: 34	Q: Why didn't Gandalf ride Gwaihir over the Crack of Doom? A: Because Gwaihir was just a big chicken! __________________ " A wizard is never late , nor is He ever early , He arrives precisely when He means to." -Gandalf "Et Eärello Endorenna utúlien. Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn' Ambar-metta!" - Elendil/Aragorn "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve" - Bilbo "No, no, no! Who gave the short kid Desert Eagles?"

03-30-2011, 01:18 PM	#15
Tinman Enting Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 68	Why did the hobbit blush when he met bilbo? Because he's dyslexic.

03-30-2011, 07:55 PM	#17
thekingofgondor Sapling Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: The Newest of Jersey Posts: 11	One of my favorite jokes from the books themselves (specifically the end of the Return of the King) is after the Scouring of the Shire, when the Hobbits are rebuilding everything, and Tolkien describes the process of coming up with a new name for the reconstructed Bagshot Row, and after saying that they finally settled on simply "New Row," he says how "it was a purely Bywater joke to refer to it as Sharkey's End." (Seeing as it was right near where Saruman met his gruesome end by the hand of Wormtongue slicing open his throat.)

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