Mari's attempts

**Mari** · 11-19-2008, 03:50 PM

I often started to write children's stories but I never finished them. A few weeks ago, someone asked me to write him a story and this just came out.
It might be totally bad, but I'm just proud that for once I actually finished one.

I'd like to hear some critiques, suggestions etc. and don't be afraid to tell me it's absolutely crappy. I'll still be happy I got to finish it anyway

And more importantly, do you think it is suitable for children? Would they enjoy it?

----------------

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was bullied a lot at school. During the breaks she would withdraw and try to disappear so no one could pick on her. Often she could be found behind the bicycle shed with a book. Of course her bullies found out about that, so she would relocate once every so often. But right now this place was her place to be during the breaks.
It was a strange place. Because of the trees growing high and the wooden shed blocking the sun, all light coming there was a bit diffused and it gave the place a green and mysterious shine. Of course most normal people didn't see much special in it, but for a girl who spend most of her time reading books about magic and faeries, this place was magical.
And who said that being normal equals being right? For that place really WAS magical! Not the fairy godmother, goblins and trolls sort of magic, but the kind of magic that lets you see possibilities.

It was in this place that the girl sat one day, reading a book on flying. It was her greatest wish to one day sprout wings and just fly away. She would certainly not come back to this horrid place! But of course she knew in the back of her head that that was impossible.
However today the bullying was particularly bad. One boy hurt himself and he had blamed her. The entire class had ganged up on her and she had gotten into her first fight ever. After pushing the most popular girl into the bushes she had fled to her sacred place and there she was sitting, hating the place more then ever. It was this experience though, that let her cross that special border between normal space and magic space. She forgot all about knowing that being able to fly was impossible and really believed in flying away to hitherto unknown places.
She sat there dreaming of the places she'd visit and how she was going to make a living. In a moment of silly seriousness, she stood up and started flapping with her arms, still believing that she could fly. She did not lift from the ground...
"No, no no! This is all wrong" the girl thought. "I can't expect that I can fly by just flapping my arms. What do I need?"
She thought about it for a moment, not hearing the school bell ring, while leafing through the pages of the book she was reading. Somewhere it described aerodynamics. Where was it again?
When she found it, she read it again, ignoring the fact that it was meant for light-boned birds. She would need speed and wind to carry her higher. She'd need a high place... The roof of the school building!
Excited she ran out of her place of hiding to see if it was high enough.
Well, high enough it certainly was. But she also saw her teacher looking for her. Going to the roof was therefore not a very good idea. No, she'd better stick to the space behind the bicycle shed.
She backed into her previous spot, making sure her teacher wouldn't see her. Fortunately, the teacher didn't.
Back in her place, she thought of what to do then. Looking around her, she noticed a long plank laying on the ground. She could put that up against the fence! That way she'd gain height and she wouldn't have to leave her secret place!

Quickly she put the plank in its place and tested it carefully before deciding it was safe to use. She took a deep breath and made ready for a dash up the plank. Ready... and... GO!

Wild flapping she ran up the plank, faster and faster, running towards the end of the plank... only a few steps left now... flapping harder. And even harder.
The girl closed her eyes and thought hard of all the places she wanted to go. She was still waiting to reach the end of the plank and seemed to be waiting a long time for it to come. Her legs felt tired and her arms were getting tired too.
Slowly she opened one eye... and noticed that the plank under her had long gone! As had the school. Unbelievable but true: she was really flying.
The wind was carrying her and she relaxed the frantic flapping a bit.
It caused her to drop a few feet, but after the first few moments of panic, the girl quickly found a pace which she could keep up for a longer period.
She looked down at the landscape. Which country would this be? Was it still her own country? Where did she want to go?
Quickly she pushed away these questions and relaxed. She was enjoying her flight. Where she would end up didn't matter anymore.

Willow Oran · 11-20-2008, 02:53 AM

It reads as a rough draft, but it isn't crappy. The idea of escaping the drudgery and bullying of school by flying is one that I think would appeal to children, but I'm not sure parents would approve of the skipping class to stand on top of a fence and flap your arms bit.

Three suggestions for if you decide to revise this:

-Simplify. Don't add more information than necessary and keep the diction to what your target audience will understand.

-Write the story in-scene. At the moment the story is all in summary. Tell it as it happens, add some dialogue, and develop the protagonist's character some more. Even though this will lengthen the story, it will increase the reader's sympathy for the protagonist and their engagment in what happens to her.

-Allow there to more of a metaphorical aspect. It seems like that was what you were going for with the ending and the girl flying away from her troubles could be a very strong metaphor for readers to connect with. The current presentation is just a little too literal for it to work as it should.

Getting a story to an ending is often the hardest part. Now that you have, I hope you return to this piece to flesh it out some more. It has the potential to be very good.

***Earniel*** · 11-20-2008, 05:57 AM

I like it, it's short but it doesn't feel choppy and it has a decent level of description so you can picture the scenes. Depending on the age of the intended public, I don't think most children will need it to be longer.

I find the idea of a girl flapping her arms frantically while running on a plank completely hilarious, though.

**Mari** · 11-20-2008, 02:17 PM

Thanks Willow and Earniël.

I'm not quite sure what you mean with writing the story in scene. Or better said, not quite sure how to do that. Do you think it will help if I gave the girl a name and let her think more (i.e. talk to herself and the audience)?

Earn, I used to dream of that a lot. That's how I escaped a mean man every night.

Willow Oran · 11-21-2008, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Or better said, not quite sure how to do that. Do you think it will help if I gave the girl a name and let her think more (i.e. talk to herself and the audience)?

You do know how, you do it all the time in the RPG forum.

Part of it is developing the character (a name and a bit of internal monologue would help) and zooming in a bit with the point of view, and part of it is using more sensory description.

Noble Elf Lord · 11-22-2008, 03:38 AM

I quite agree with Willow (with what little I understood, no need to explain

), but what I would like to point out is that you really shouldn't make "the flight" that literal.

EDIT: YAY!! 400th POST! Only 100 more to go...

**Mari** · 12-20-2008, 11:31 AM

You know, rewriting something is more difficult than writing the original >_<

hectorberlioz · 12-21-2008, 12:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mari

You know, rewriting something is more difficult than writing the original >_<

You know who you used to say the same thing? Dmitri Shostakovich.

11-19-2008, 03:50 PM	#1
Mari Elf Lady Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: In the lands where mountains are but a fairytale Posts: 8,588	Mari's attempts I often started to write children's stories but I never finished them. A few weeks ago, someone asked me to write him a story and this just came out. It might be totally bad, but I'm just proud that for once I actually finished one. I'd like to hear some critiques, suggestions etc. and don't be afraid to tell me it's absolutely crappy. I'll still be happy I got to finish it anyway And more importantly, do you think it is suitable for children? Would they enjoy it? ---------------- Once upon a time, there was a girl who was bullied a lot at school. During the breaks she would withdraw and try to disappear so no one could pick on her. Often she could be found behind the bicycle shed with a book. Of course her bullies found out about that, so she would relocate once every so often. But right now this place was her place to be during the breaks. It was a strange place. Because of the trees growing high and the wooden shed blocking the sun, all light coming there was a bit diffused and it gave the place a green and mysterious shine. Of course most normal people didn't see much special in it, but for a girl who spend most of her time reading books about magic and faeries, this place was magical. And who said that being normal equals being right? For that place really WAS magical! Not the fairy godmother, goblins and trolls sort of magic, but the kind of magic that lets you see possibilities. It was in this place that the girl sat one day, reading a book on flying. It was her greatest wish to one day sprout wings and just fly away. She would certainly not come back to this horrid place! But of course she knew in the back of her head that that was impossible. However today the bullying was particularly bad. One boy hurt himself and he had blamed her. The entire class had ganged up on her and she had gotten into her first fight ever. After pushing the most popular girl into the bushes she had fled to her sacred place and there she was sitting, hating the place more then ever. It was this experience though, that let her cross that special border between normal space and magic space. She forgot all about knowing that being able to fly was impossible and really believed in flying away to hitherto unknown places. She sat there dreaming of the places she'd visit and how she was going to make a living. In a moment of silly seriousness, she stood up and started flapping with her arms, still believing that she could fly. She did not lift from the ground... "No, no no! This is all wrong" the girl thought. "I can't expect that I can fly by just flapping my arms. What do I need?" She thought about it for a moment, not hearing the school bell ring, while leafing through the pages of the book she was reading. Somewhere it described aerodynamics. Where was it again? When she found it, she read it again, ignoring the fact that it was meant for light-boned birds. She would need speed and wind to carry her higher. She'd need a high place... The roof of the school building! Excited she ran out of her place of hiding to see if it was high enough. Well, high enough it certainly was. But she also saw her teacher looking for her. Going to the roof was therefore not a very good idea. No, she'd better stick to the space behind the bicycle shed. She backed into her previous spot, making sure her teacher wouldn't see her. Fortunately, the teacher didn't. Back in her place, she thought of what to do then. Looking around her, she noticed a long plank laying on the ground. She could put that up against the fence! That way she'd gain height and she wouldn't have to leave her secret place! Quickly she put the plank in its place and tested it carefully before deciding it was safe to use. She took a deep breath and made ready for a dash up the plank. Ready... and... GO! Wild flapping she ran up the plank, faster and faster, running towards the end of the plank... only a few steps left now... flapping harder. And even harder. The girl closed her eyes and thought hard of all the places she wanted to go. She was still waiting to reach the end of the plank and seemed to be waiting a long time for it to come. Her legs felt tired and her arms were getting tired too. Slowly she opened one eye... and noticed that the plank under her had long gone! As had the school. Unbelievable but true: she was really flying. The wind was carrying her and she relaxed the frantic flapping a bit. It caused her to drop a few feet, but after the first few moments of panic, the girl quickly found a pace which she could keep up for a longer period. She looked down at the landscape. Which country would this be? Was it still her own country? Where did she want to go? Quickly she pushed away these questions and relaxed. She was enjoying her flight. Where she would end up didn't matter anymore. __________________ Love always, deeply and true ★ Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ★ Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply. ...The Earth laughs in flowers ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Hamatreya"...

11-20-2008, 02:53 AM	#2
Willow Oran Deus Ex Machina Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Seattle Posts: 1,951	It reads as a rough draft, but it isn't crappy. The idea of escaping the drudgery and bullying of school by flying is one that I think would appeal to children, but I'm not sure parents would approve of the skipping class to stand on top of a fence and flap your arms bit. Three suggestions for if you decide to revise this: -Simplify. Don't add more information than necessary and keep the diction to what your target audience will understand. -Write the story in-scene. At the moment the story is all in summary. Tell it as it happens, add some dialogue, and develop the protagonist's character some more. Even though this will lengthen the story, it will increase the reader's sympathy for the protagonist and their engagment in what happens to her. -Allow there to more of a metaphorical aspect. It seems like that was what you were going for with the ending and the girl flying away from her troubles could be a very strong metaphor for readers to connect with. The current presentation is just a little too literal for it to work as it should. Getting a story to an ending is often the hardest part. Now that you have, I hope you return to this piece to flesh it out some more. It has the potential to be very good. __________________ "5. Plain Rings with RUNES on the inside. Avoid these like the PLAGUE. -Diana Wynne Jones Tough Guide To FantasyLand ...it's not much of a show if somebody doesn't suffer, and preferably at length. Suffering is beautiful in any case, and so is anguish; but as for loathing, and bitterness... I don't think they belong on the stage at all. - Isabella, I Gelosi

11-20-2008, 05:57 AM	#3
*Earniel* The Chocoholic Sea Elf Administrator Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: N?n in Eilph (Belgium) Posts: 14,363	I like it, it's short but it doesn't feel choppy and it has a decent level of description so you can picture the scenes. Depending on the age of the intended public, I don't think most children will need it to be longer. I find the idea of a girl flapping her arms frantically while running on a plank completely hilarious, though. __________________ We are not things.

11-20-2008, 02:17 PM	#4
Mari Elf Lady Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: In the lands where mountains are but a fairytale Posts: 8,588	Thanks Willow and Earniël. I'm not quite sure what you mean with writing the story in scene. Or better said, not quite sure how to do that. Do you think it will help if I gave the girl a name and let her think more (i.e. talk to herself and the audience)? Earn, I used to dream of that a lot. That's how I escaped a mean man every night. __________________ Love always, deeply and true ★ Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ★ Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply. ...The Earth laughs in flowers ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Hamatreya"...

11-22-2008, 03:38 AM	#6
Noble Elf Lord Leaf-Crowned Lord Of Elvenpath Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Heaven by the looks of it. Hell by the feel of it. Posts: 1,052	I quite agree with Willow (with what little I understood, no need to explain ), but what I would like to point out is that you really shouldn't make "the flight" that literal. EDIT: YAY!! 400th POST! Only 100 more to go... __________________ Hers.

12-20-2008, 11:31 AM	#7
Mari Elf Lady Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: In the lands where mountains are but a fairytale Posts: 8,588	You know, rewriting something is more difficult than writing the original >_< __________________ Love always, deeply and true ★ Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ★ Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply. ...The Earth laughs in flowers ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Hamatreya"...