I want some people to go over some of my writing - Page 2

Amea · 11-21-2003, 01:49 PM

Okay people, I'm starting to get bord with this. Let's move on shall we?
I wrote this to go along with one of my main characters in most of my writing so enjoy

I am Devak
(So get used to it)
By: Amea Avora malinth Devak

What is life when it’s lost it’s meaning?
What happens when the magic takes over
and reality is gone?

I am what happens
Am I what you fear?
I dwell in two worlds
But I belong to neither

I am dead to the pain of living
I no longer see
right
or wrong
I only see what is true
My voice goes unheard by mortal ears
My life is empty

I do not know what life is like for mortals
But I know what life is like to me

It’s a slow hell
that drains every ounce of your soul
Then in the end it hands you back
Your shattered form,
Just to spite you

Who am I? You may ask
Well, I am your nightmare
I am your worst fear
I am devak

Goldberry1 · 11-22-2003, 10:24 PM

very nice... so what sort of writing do you usually do? what genre? anyway, here's my thoughts:

"I no longer see
right
or
wrong"

this breaks the flow for me, maybe make it "I no longer see right,/or wrong." I think it adds a little emphasis.

"Then in the end it hands
you back
Your shattered form
Just to spite you"

also seems to break the flow, maybe try "Then in the end it hands you back/ your shattered form,/Just to spite you."

p.s. - i also like the snippet from your sig... it has 'devak' in it... is that from one of your stories?

Amea · 11-24-2003, 01:49 PM

Blue: *pops out from nowhere* Hehehe Devak's in everything or on everything as it might be...
Devak: *smacks blue and throws her outside* Now that that's over *snicker* I would be happy to explain my self... I'm actuly (stumped spelling) three people, Amea, Avora Malinth, Devak. I am the latter you see it's hard to explaine. When I was younger I was Amea, Sweet and childish, Then when I became older I needed to change my name, A new name for a new life, (I will not go into detail because that would distroy my creators story) and when that life was over I called myself Devak and that's my story shortened.
Amea: Would you please?
Devak: Oh would you please, Good bye people, I'm getting yelled at *pops off*

PippinTook · 11-30-2003, 02:41 AM

That was great! Though I agree with GoldBerry, it made me want to learn more, and drew me in. I loved "Don't Leave Me" I'd like to see more of your work!
-Pip

Amea · 12-09-2003, 12:03 PM

*blushes*
Thanks, I'm sorry I haven't been on in a while but I've just moved to a new area and well I haven't had time to get to a computer.
I'm sort of in a writing slump at the moment,
Devak: what she's saying is she's out of ideas
Amea: Shut up *punchs at devak* but right now I'm working on one of my novles and I really don't want to put it on the web just in case someone is taking my ideas and calling them their own.
Blue: You have no faith in people do you?
Amea: Would you all just go away!!!

Ugh! I'm off for now talk to you guys latter
PS: I edited the old post so you guys should check it out

11-21-2003, 01:49 PM	#21
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	Okay people, I'm starting to get bord with this. Let's move on shall we? I wrote this to go along with one of my main characters in most of my writing so enjoy I am Devak (So get used to it) By: Amea Avora malinth Devak What is life when it’s lost it’s meaning? What happens when the magic takes over and reality is gone? I am what happens Am I what you fear? I dwell in two worlds But I belong to neither I am dead to the pain of living I no longer see right or wrong I only see what is true My voice goes unheard by mortal ears My life is empty I do not know what life is like for mortals But I know what life is like to me It’s a slow hell that drains every ounce of your soul Then in the end it hands you back Your shattered form, Just to spite you Who am I? You may ask Well, I am your nightmare I am your worst fear I am devak __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P Last edited by Amea : 12-09-2003 at 12:10 PM.

11-22-2003, 10:24 PM	#22
Goldberry1 Elven Warrior Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: DC or Delaware, depending on the time of year Posts: 244	very nice... so what sort of writing do you usually do? what genre? anyway, here's my thoughts: "I no longer see right or wrong" this breaks the flow for me, maybe make it "I no longer see right,/or wrong." I think it adds a little emphasis. "Then in the end it hands you back Your shattered form Just to spite you" also seems to break the flow, maybe try "Then in the end it hands you back/ your shattered form,/Just to spite you." p.s. - i also like the snippet from your sig... it has 'devak' in it... is that from one of your stories? __________________ Oh, your collegiate grief has left you dowdy in sweatshirts, absolute horror!

11-24-2003, 01:49 PM	#23
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	Blue: pops out from nowhere Hehehe Devak's in everything or on everything as it might be... Devak: smacks blue and throws her outside Now that that's over snicker I would be happy to explain my self... I'm actuly (stumped spelling) three people, Amea, Avora Malinth, Devak. I am the latter you see it's hard to explaine. When I was younger I was Amea, Sweet and childish, Then when I became older I needed to change my name, A new name for a new life, (I will not go into detail because that would distroy my creators story) and when that life was over I called myself Devak and that's my story shortened. Amea: Would you please? Devak: Oh would you please, Good bye people, I'm getting yelled at pops off __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P

11-30-2003, 02:41 AM	#24
PippinTook The Infamous Tea Hobbit Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Riding my Attack Llama, CORY! Posts: 1,162	That was great! Though I agree with GoldBerry, it made me want to learn more, and drew me in. I loved "Don't Leave Me" I'd like to see more of your work! -Pip __________________ http://jupiter.walagata.com/w/shanakdakhete/svbf.gif If I can stop one heart from aching, I shall not live in vain. -Emily Dickinson But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd Never can quite understand The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought By the touch of the Master's hand. Though she be but little, she is fierce! -MSND

12-09-2003, 12:03 PM	#25
Amea Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sleeping in a tree Posts: 173	blushes Thanks, I'm sorry I haven't been on in a while but I've just moved to a new area and well I haven't had time to get to a computer. I'm sort of in a writing slump at the moment, Devak: what she's saying is she's out of ideas Amea: Shut up punchs at devak but right now I'm working on one of my novles and I really don't want to put it on the web just in case someone is taking my ideas and calling them their own. Blue: You have no faith in people do you? Amea: Would you all just go away!!! Ugh! I'm off for now talk to you guys latter PS: I edited the old post so you guys should check it out __________________ Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! devak laughs crazily Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. Devak grabs blue by the throat Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P Last edited by Amea : 12-09-2003 at 12:11 PM.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
What's your country like	jerseydevil	General Messages	257	05-30-2005 01:04 AM
Insane, Weird, Crazy, or Idiotic People	miss_poet	General Messages	62	05-17-2003 06:54 PM
Iraq	Sween	General Messages	1136	03-13-2003 11:19 PM
A World Without Black People	afro-elf	General Messages	50	01-03-2003 01:31 AM
anti american sentiments	afro-elf	General Messages	207	07-29-2002 08:47 PM