The Guardians of Middle-Earth

[Nurvingiel]

I read the Prologue through Chapter VI, and I think your story is great! I’m sure I’ll enjoy the last few chapters. I hope you write a sequel, bearing these things in mind…

Suggested Edits:

Overall:

1) Look through your story to catch all the typos. Misplaced synonyms etc. It’s not a big deal, but your story will be read more easily and look more professional.

2) Edit for clarity and LotR continuity. Many ideas in your story are a bit far-fetched, but I can handle that as long as you don’t break any set LotR conventions. I enjoy your new take on Middle-earth.

3) I am also sometimes confused as to where people are geographically. This may seem trivial, but I think it helps with the story’s continuity.

4) I forget where in the story this is from but i) serpents (snakes) aren’t evil, and ii) Frodo no longer has a ring finger.

Chapter II:

Why wouldn’t Madwe have attacked Frodo and Gandalf with the Sleeper? If he is incapable of this, you should have said that he left from a secret door or something. The transition to the next chapter is awkward because a key point of the battle is not explained.

Chapter III:

1) If the orcs were attacking the Undying lands, Aragorn would not have been able to go there, especially in such a short time.

2) Why are Frodo and Gandalf trapped? Referring to Chapter II, that part of the story isn’t clear.

3) When the Morgai are first introduced, I thought it was a person on Aragorn’s side, rather than the evil band of orcs. The battle between Aragorn and Tejmin, and the thing with the Sleeper is unclear.

4) The battle between Gandalf and Madwe is too much like the one in The Two Towers movie between Gandalf and Saruman (which, IMHO, is not in keeping with how the two wizards would fight.)

5) How/when would Sauron say he would awaken Morgoth? You may want to construct a new plot device for having the good characters know it was Sauron who freed Morgoth.

Chapter IV

1) Lotho Sackville-Baggins is dead. Unfortunately for him.

2) Why would Pippin shaving make a buzzing sound? Hobbits don’t have facial hair anyway, unless he was shaving his head.

Chapter VI

The seaweed-looking plant that you chew to breathe underwater is from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.


I really like your story, I think it has a lot of potential, and isn’t “awful” as you originally conjecture. All you need to do is edit it, and that’s what we’re here to help you with! I especially enjoyed Jerry’s character, and the plot twist involving him. I also absolutely love Glaudrinn! What a great character!

[Yodaman]

Oh my god! Some one liked it! This is physically impossible! I'm just kidding. I'll go fix it and see if it can be added to the fan fic section of Tolkien trail. But here are some things I would have to say about your edits:

1. I remember Sauron saying that he would free Morgoth and the end of the Silmarillion.
2. Harry didn't chew the seawead, but the peeps in my story did.
3. This isn't a complaint, but Pippin made a buzzing noize since he was using an electric shaver ! That is the WORST mistake I've made in a fan fic!

Take care.

Yodaman

[Nurvingiel]

Yes, I did like your story. Why do you put it down though? It's not bad, and if it was, other people would put it down, so why should you?

To clarify my edits:
1. Never mind then, you're right.
2. I meant that the seaweed was already in Harry Potter, and you probably shouldn't use it in your story because of that. Even if you invented it independently of JK Rowling, it still looks bad.
3. Aha! I though so.