Dear Moot- and other advice

Elanor's Angel · 01-09-2008, 08:17 PM

I poked around and couldn't find and threads dedicated to advice. I'm starting this one specifically for guy and girl problems, but other difficult situations are welcome too. I got this idea from the Venting thread.
You can post a problem, or try and make sense of another Mooter's problem to help them.
Please remember to be respectful and understanding of everyone, like Moot, this is meant to be a friendly place, where people can work out issues.

Elanor's Angel · 01-09-2008, 08:18 PM

Just in case I need to make any revisions later...

Nautipus · 01-09-2008, 08:34 PM

Awesome. I may be in and out of here....

Elanor's Angel · 01-09-2008, 08:37 PM

I'd love to hear from you!

sisterandcousinandaunt · 01-14-2008, 01:32 PM

Okay. What do you think of a situation where one person is interested in committment, and the other is in more of a *ahem, pauses to consider the age of posters* "friends with benefits" stage.

hectorberlioz · 01-14-2008, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sisterandcousinandaunt

Okay. What do you think of a situation where one person is interested in committment, and the other is in more of a *ahem, pauses to consider the age of posters* "friends with benefits" stage.

Throw them out on their bum

.

**Mari** · 01-14-2008, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sisterandcousinandaunt

Okay. What do you think of a situation where one person is interested in committment, and the other is in more of a *ahem, pauses to consider the age of posters* "friends with benefits" stage.

I guess that depends on whether it looks like the person who's in the "f w b"stage can enter the commitment stage or not. If not, that'll only get the commitment-person hurt. And probably make the fwb-person feel guilty for hurting the c-person.
Perhaps its better to stop engaging in this kind of relationship and try to search for a better match.

***Rían*** · 01-19-2008, 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sisterandcousinandaunt

Okay. What do you think of a situation where one person is interested in committment, and the other is in more of a *ahem, pauses to consider the age of posters* "friends with benefits" stage.

LOL!

IMO, those types of benefits are very precious, and should only be given to those who are willing to make a life-long commitment

**Mari** · 01-14-2008, 02:39 PM

Doesn't it become apparent when you talk to eachother? Or am I being terribly naive here?

BeardofPants · 01-14-2008, 09:53 PM

Has to be the right person as well. The FWB person & the commitment person might not be right for each other in the long run, and that may well have been why FWB has gone that route. In my experience, you don't generally tend to go the FWB route if you're in the right "fit". Not always, of course. Sometimes, FWB just ain't ready to recognise what's under their nose. There are no rules in life, unfortunately. People opt for what they want at the time they want it.

Nerdanel · 01-14-2008, 10:21 PM

I have to disagree with you there, BoP, and say: There are no rules in life, fortunately.

I also wouldn't always consider 'fwb' a stage.. If both know what it's about, I don't see any harm in it. We discussed this with a friend (with 'benefits', yes) and we saw that it was safe doing what we were doing: because we both knew that we didn't want any commitments with each other, although we both knew he wants to be in a relationship, badly. He fortunately got what he wanted and now we're very close friends with lots of benefits, but not of that kind.

Sure, it's risky, but doesn't have to be if you're very good friends and can openly talk. *nod* That's my opinion. And I'm unbelievably happy that there aren't any rules in life.

Curubethion · 01-15-2008, 12:20 AM

(Slightly off-topic...)

Wasn't there a "Dear Hector" thread around here once?

hectorberlioz · 01-15-2008, 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curubethion

(Slightly off-topic...)

Wasn't there a "Dear Hector" thread around here once?

Shh...it's ok

Curubethion · 01-15-2008, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hectorberlioz

Shh...it's ok

IIRC, that was a very different thread, lol.

Abby Normal · 01-17-2008, 06:39 PM

So, I'm an adult female who's boyfriend is away at college. We've been having *ahem* "relations" with other people to not be lonely, but we plan to stop once we can move in together.
This girl that my boyfriend has been seeing is nice (I've met her once) but my boyfriend has been telling her "I love you" and other such endearments. He tells me that I'll always come first, but he still does love her. They are like best friends.

Should I tell him that this is making me upset?

sisterandcousinandaunt · 01-17-2008, 06:57 PM

Well, one of the problems with 'open relationships" is that people aren't necessarily great at keeping their feelings and their intimate behavior separate. It's pretty easy to whisper endearments when everyone's sweaty.

But, a good general rule for interpersonal relationships is... if you know what you're feeling, you should share that. Because you can't build intimacy unless people are willing to be genuine with each other. So, if you know how you're feeling about this, he's kind of entitled, imo, to know about it.

I can't promise you you'll get a great reaction, I suspect he'll be defensive. Really, you're probably not treating anyone here with great fairness. Being "Second string", or "One of a set" or "part-time" is a rough place to be in, for anyone who actually wants a relationship.

BeardofPants · 01-15-2008, 12:28 AM

I should have qualified my words more carefully, nel, cos I agree with you re: being glad there are no 'rules'. I meant that it's unfortunate that 2 people are after 2 different things. I should also qualify that there's nothing wrong with being a phase or stage or state (of being). A relationship is a phase. Retirement is a phase. Living is a phase. Gotta end eventually though, right?

BeardofPants · 01-17-2008, 11:48 PM

Hahahaha...

brownjenkins · 01-18-2008, 12:05 PM

I'd avoid steady dating period at that age. Play the field and have fun. That way, when you are ready to settle down later in life, you'll have all of that desire to experiment with others out of your system, as will your chosen mate, whoever that might be.

Not to say that longterm relationships that start young can't last, but I'd say the odds are very much against it.

**Mari** · 01-18-2008, 12:13 PM

You are in favor of playing around? I don't think I could do that. Not that I want that.

01-09-2008, 08:17 PM	#1
Elanor's Angel Elf Lord Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Hiding under my bed reading LOTR at 1:43am, Middle earth (Seattle WA) Posts: 1,239	Dear Moot- and other advice I poked around and couldn't find and threads dedicated to advice. I'm starting this one specifically for guy and girl problems, but other difficult situations are welcome too. I got this idea from the Venting thread. You can post a problem, or try and make sense of another Mooter's problem to help them. Please remember to be respectful and understanding of everyone, like Moot, this is meant to be a friendly place, where people can work out issues. __________________ ~And the Geek shall inherit the Earth! Vote Trolls' Bane/Elanor's Angel 2008!!!

01-09-2008, 08:18 PM	#2
Elanor's Angel Elf Lord Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Hiding under my bed reading LOTR at 1:43am, Middle earth (Seattle WA) Posts: 1,239	Just in case I need to make any revisions later... __________________ ~And the Geek shall inherit the Earth! Vote Trolls' Bane/Elanor's Angel 2008!!!

01-09-2008, 08:34 PM	#3
Nautipus Kraken King Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Under the sea Posts: 2,714	Awesome. I may be in and out of here.... __________________ Being the King of these Beings, This is my Child One of my top ten favorite movies. "You ever try to flick a fly? "No." "It's a waste of time." "Can you see it?" "No." "It's right there!" "Where? "There!" "What is it?" "A crab." "A crab? I dont see any crab." "How?! It's right there!!" "Where?" "There!!!!" "Oh." -Excerpts from A Tale of Two Morons One of the best Global Warming Messages out there

01-09-2008, 08:37 PM	#4
Elanor's Angel Elf Lord Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Hiding under my bed reading LOTR at 1:43am, Middle earth (Seattle WA) Posts: 1,239	I'd love to hear from you! __________________ ~And the Geek shall inherit the Earth! Vote Trolls' Bane/Elanor's Angel 2008!!!

01-14-2008, 01:32 PM	#5
sisterandcousinandaunt Elf Lord Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,535	Okay. What do you think of a situation where one person is interested in committment, and the other is in more of a ahem, pauses to consider the age of posters "friends with benefits" stage. __________________ That would be the swirling vortex to another world. Cool. I want one. TMNT No, I'm not emo. I just have a really poor sense of direction. (Thanks to katya for this quote) This is the best news story EVER! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26087293/ “Often my haste is a mistake, but I live with the consequences without complaint.”...John McCain "I shall go back. And I shall find that therapist. And I shall whack her upside her head with my blanket full of rocks." ...Louisa May

01-14-2008, 02:39 PM	#9
Mari Elf Lady Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: In the lands where mountains are but a fairytale Posts: 8,588	Doesn't it become apparent when you talk to eachother? Or am I being terribly naive here? __________________ Love always, deeply and true ★ Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ★ Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply. ...The Earth laughs in flowers ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Hamatreya"...

01-14-2008, 09:53 PM	#10
BeardofPants the Shrike Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: San Francisco, CA <3 Posts: 10,647	Has to be the right person as well. The FWB person & the commitment person might not be right for each other in the long run, and that may well have been why FWB has gone that route. In my experience, you don't generally tend to go the FWB route if you're in the right "fit". Not always, of course. Sometimes, FWB just ain't ready to recognise what's under their nose. There are no rules in life, unfortunately. People opt for what they want at the time they want it. __________________ "Binary solo! 0000001! 00000011! 0000001! 00000011!" ~ The Humans are Dead, Flight of the Conchords

01-14-2008, 10:21 PM	#11
Nerdanel Spammer of the Happy Thread Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Helsinki, Finland Posts: 3,512	I have to disagree with you there, BoP, and say: There are no rules in life, fortunately. I also wouldn't always consider 'fwb' a stage.. If both know what it's about, I don't see any harm in it. We discussed this with a friend (with 'benefits', yes) and we saw that it was safe doing what we were doing: because we both knew that we didn't want any commitments with each other, although we both knew he wants to be in a relationship, badly. He fortunately got what he wanted and now we're very close friends with lots of benefits, but not of that kind. Sure, it's risky, but doesn't have to be if you're very good friends and can openly talk. nod That's my opinion. And I'm unbelievably happy that there aren't any rules in life. __________________ "Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. " - C. Sagan My (photography) website My Flickr page

01-15-2008, 12:20 AM	#12
Curubethion Fenway Ranger, Lord of Red Sox Nation Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: College! Posts: 1,976	(Slightly off-topic...) Wasn't there a "Dear Hector" thread around here once? __________________ Adventure...betrayal...heroism... Atharon: where heroes are born. My wife once said to me—when I'd been writing for ten or fifteen years—that I could always go back to being a nuclear engineer. And I said to her, 'Harriet, would you let someone who quit his job to go write fantasy anywhere near your nuclear reactor? I wouldn't!' (Robert Jordan)

01-17-2008, 06:39 PM	#15
Abby Normal Sapling Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 1	So, I'm an adult female who's boyfriend is away at college. We've been having ahem "relations" with other people to not be lonely, but we plan to stop once we can move in together. This girl that my boyfriend has been seeing is nice (I've met her once) but my boyfriend has been telling her "I love you" and other such endearments. He tells me that I'll always come first, but he still does love her. They are like best friends. Should I tell him that this is making me upset?

01-17-2008, 06:57 PM	#16
sisterandcousinandaunt Elf Lord Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,535	Well, one of the problems with 'open relationships" is that people aren't necessarily great at keeping their feelings and their intimate behavior separate. It's pretty easy to whisper endearments when everyone's sweaty. But, a good general rule for interpersonal relationships is... if you know what you're feeling, you should share that. Because you can't build intimacy unless people are willing to be genuine with each other. So, if you know how you're feeling about this, he's kind of entitled, imo, to know about it. I can't promise you you'll get a great reaction, I suspect he'll be defensive. Really, you're probably not treating anyone here with great fairness. Being "Second string", or "One of a set" or "part-time" is a rough place to be in, for anyone who actually wants a relationship. __________________ That would be the swirling vortex to another world. Cool. I want one. TMNT No, I'm not emo. I just have a really poor sense of direction. (Thanks to katya for this quote) This is the best news story EVER! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26087293/ “Often my haste is a mistake, but I live with the consequences without complaint.”...John McCain "I shall go back. And I shall find that therapist. And I shall whack her upside her head with my blanket full of rocks." ...Louisa May

01-15-2008, 12:28 AM	#17
BeardofPants the Shrike Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: San Francisco, CA <3 Posts: 10,647	I should have qualified my words more carefully, nel, cos I agree with you re: being glad there are no 'rules'. I meant that it's unfortunate that 2 people are after 2 different things. I should also qualify that there's nothing wrong with being a phase or stage or state (of being). A relationship is a phase. Retirement is a phase. Living is a phase. Gotta end eventually though, right? __________________ "Binary solo! 0000001! 00000011! 0000001! 00000011!" ~ The Humans are Dead, Flight of the Conchords Last edited by BeardofPants : 01-15-2008 at 12:29 AM.

01-17-2008, 11:48 PM	#18
BeardofPants the Shrike Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: San Francisco, CA <3 Posts: 10,647	Hahahaha... __________________ "Binary solo! 0000001! 00000011! 0000001! 00000011!" ~ The Humans are Dead, Flight of the Conchords

01-18-2008, 12:05 PM	#19
brownjenkins Advocatus Diaboli Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Reality Posts: 3,767	I'd avoid steady dating period at that age. Play the field and have fun. That way, when you are ready to settle down later in life, you'll have all of that desire to experiment with others out of your system, as will your chosen mate, whoever that might be. Not to say that longterm relationships that start young can't last, but I'd say the odds are very much against it. __________________ Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever.

01-18-2008, 12:13 PM	#20
Mari Elf Lady Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: In the lands where mountains are but a fairytale Posts: 8,588	You are in favor of playing around? I don't think I could do that. Not that I want that. __________________ Love always, deeply and true ★ Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ★ Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply. ...The Earth laughs in flowers ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Hamatreya"...