My current titleless work

[Agalayth]

Chapter 1

The city of Voskon was fast asleep as a young man, no older than thirty-five, walked home to his house, not far from the castle. His metal-clad boots made a large clanking noise with every step he took towards his small home. He had come back from a day on guard at the gates of the city, though the day was quite uneventful.

As he stepped inside his little but cozy house, he sat down and took off his boots and other armor that weighed him down so much. He stopped after taking off the left boot, and listened. Silence. His wife, Marian, and his two children must be asleep, he thought, as he started to take off the right boot.

He lit a fire in the fireplace, and took off the rest of his armor. He got on a robe and went to make some tea, humming a tune he learned that day. When the tea was finished, he sat down at his table and started to sip the hot liquid. He was in a total state of relaxation, away from work, completely alone. As his eyes shut, his mind drifted off into a carefree place.

Only moments after he shut his eyes, Jonas heard the loud sound of bells and woke with a start. It’s so late, he thought. What could be happening? Then he noticed the tune of the bells. His heart began to beat faster, for he now knew what was happening. The city of Voskon was under attack.

With much haste, he got up, accidentally knocking over the mug of tea, and ran to the room where his wife was in a pleasant slumber. He shook her subtly, and whispered, “Wake up Marian.” She looked up at him with confusion in her eyes. “The city is under attack,” spoke Jonas. “We must get Kira and Sara and get out.”

Before Jonah finished his last sentence, his wife jumped out of bed and ran across the hall to wake her two daughters, who were fast asleep. Kira, who was 10, and Sara who was 8, got out of bed, not entirely sure what to do. “Hurry,” whispered Marian. They ran into the main room, and Jonah got a bucket of water to extinguish the fire. But even after the fire was gone, there was light in the room. Right across the cobblestone road, there were houses burning. Jonas grabbed his sword.

Quickly, the family departed from their home, shutting the wooden door. They ran swiftly around their house, so they could hopefully make a run for the gate on the southern side of the city. But they were spotted.

“You, stop there!” shouted a man with a deep voice. After the first word of the sentence, Jonas and his family ran for their dear lives. He felt an arrow whizzing past his left ear, but kept on running.

“Sara!!!” he heard Marian scream from behind him. Jonas halted in an instant and turned around to find his young daughter on the ground with an arrow stuck in her back. Sarah was screaming and weeping at the same time, and was now down on her knees. Poor little Kira was standing beside her mother, tears pouring out of her eyes, but not making a sound. He heard someone running at them, and an arrow whizzed around a foot away from Kira’s head. Jonas unsheathed his sword.

“The eastern gate is near,” whispered Jonas, who was still in shock. He moved Marian’s face so she was looking at him and not at their eight year old daughter who lay dead on the ground beside her. “Take Kira and get a horse at the stable at the gate. Ride to Theredron and raise the alarm.”

“I won’t leave you here,” said Marian, whose grief had taken over and was gasping for breath.

“You must,” replied Jonas. “It is the only way you have a chance of survival.” With that, he bent down and kissed Kira on the forehead and hugged her. He helped Marian get up, and kissed her before sending them off. “May your ride be swift and safe,” were the last words Marian heard before she ran off with Kira. Marian didn’t look back, and ran with Kira as fast as she could.





Continued...

[Agalayth]

Jonas watched them run off, and then turned the other way, his sword raised. Passionate fury was built up inside of him, and his heartbeat quickened, as did his running speed. He spotted three men, two with swords, and one with a bow. He looked the one with the bow in the eye as he ran towards them. The two with the swords started to charge Jonas, but he reached them before they were ready. First he parried one of his assailants’ swords and quickly drove his blade into the man’s face. The other made an attempt to stab Jonas’ torso, and Jonas then realized how vulnerable he was without armor. After a few more parries, Jonas’ blade cut off his opponent’s head. He then ran at the one with the bow who had an arrow ready. It his Jonas’ leg, but he ran on. He stabbed the man wielding the bow numerous times, trying to release his anger. This was the man who killed his youngest daughter. He wasn’t sure of it, but he knew that he didn’t care who the actual killer was. He then ran on, though at a much slower rate, because of his wounded leg. Anger surged through his body as he attacked another man who had invaded the village from behind. The man screamed and dropped his sword. Then two arrows hit Jonas, one in the shoulder, and one in the stomach. He fell over, and put his hand on his wounds which were bleeding profusely. Then it all went black, as he was stabbed by a spear in the back.

The massive amounts of troops had burned down almost half the houses in the city of Voskon now. There must have been over four thousand troops from the north, all under the command of one man. He stood on a hill just outside the city walls, overlooking as Voskon burned. He was dressed in a black cloak and the hood of the cloak just barely blocked his eyes. He walked down towards the city, through the gate. Pieces of stone fell from the top of the arched gate. The man in the cloak walked on. He walked past burning houses and dying people on the streets. He saw the tall castle in the middle of the city, which he told his army not to touch, at first. The image of around fifty guards inside the castle, guarding the king filled his mind. He summoned a hundred troops to break the entrance of the castle, and to kill the guards. He also told them to leave the king alive.

He walked on at a moderate pace as his hundred troops rushed on ahead of him. They broke down the door with much ease, and slew the guards inside the castle. But one man was left untouched, and was sitting in a throne at the back of the keep, petrified with fear.

The man in the black cloak walked in the main entrance, and at once, his army in the room parted to make an aisle that he could walk through. Now the hall was silent, and the man walked forth. Each step made a sharp sound that echoed throughout the hall.

“So good to see you again, King Athros,” said the man in a wicked, sarcastic way. His voice was deep and chilling. “Where is it?”

“What are you talking about, Tanaris?” asked the king, whose voice was shaking and body was shivering.

“You know damn well what I’m talking about, Athros!” shouted Tanaris quite suddenly. “Do you think that I am playing games? Do you think that I will just walk away with nothing? Where is the fifth stone?”

King Athros was silent. He stared right into Tanaris’ eyes and said nothing. Tanaris knew quite well what the king was trying to tell him. He drew his sword and placed it no more than an inch from the king’s neck. Athros gulped. After a long silence, he said, “Follow me.”

The king stood up, and Tanaris backed away to give him some room to walk. There were two doors to the right and left of Athros’ throne, and he walked slowly towards the door to his left. He opened it, and a spiral staircase awaited him. He looked back at Tanaris, whose was wearing an evil grin of joy and triumph. Athros then headed down the stairs, and when they finally reached the bottom, they reached a large room that was completely empty, except for a dais with a chest on it. The king took out a key and opened a chest. Inside was a small stone, about the size of a large marble. The stone was grey, and looked like nothing special, except for the fact that it was almost perfectly round. Tanaris reached out his hand and snatched away the stone from the chest.

“What are you doing with it?” demanded Athros. “What business do you have with such sacred powerful things, traitor?”

With that, Tanaris took out a knife from within his cloak and in an instant threw it at the king of Voskon. It hit him right in the throat. “You’ll know soon enough.” He took off for the staircase, but then turned around and added, “Thank you for your help.” His voice was still sarcastic and vile. He then ran up the stairs and got his troops out of the keep.




Continued...

[Agalayth]

He was the last to exit the room, and had a great feeling of triumph over himself. He ran out of the room and out of the city gates, and onto the same hill where he was watching the battle at the beginning of the siege. Behind a tree there, he had brought a horn along with him. He grabbed the horn, cast a small spell, and blew into the small horn. The sound could be heard by everyone in the city, and every one of Tanaris’ attackers knew what it meant. They all quickly started to retreat from the city. By now there were hardly any inhabitants of Voskon still alive and in the city. The four thousand attackers left the city and made their trip northwards to their city of Thenator.






Sorry I couldn't even fit it into two posts. Write any criticism here or at the Weavers of Legends.

[PippinTook]

That was depressing, but good writing! If that is your 'main bad guy' that was a great way to introduce him to the story! please post more so I can see what happens next!

[Agalayth]

Thank you for the very positive feedback. I am probably going to write the next chapter this week, though it may be hard to find the time.

Yes, he is the main "bad guy", and what's funny is that the main good guy used to have his name, and the main bad guy used to have the main good guy's name (Agalayth. ).

[PippinTook]

I'm glad you are still adding to the story. Keep it coming! Thats funny about the names, talk about irony!

-pip

[Lizra]

That was forthright and very easy to read. It moved with quick time! I enjoyed that. Good luck!

[Nurvingiel]

I really enjoyed your story, I hope you write more. I liked how the action moved fast and quick.

I don't like the name Jonas, but I guess it doesn't matter since he's dead anyway. The part where Jonas and his young daughter are killed is really sad! I was moved, it was intense. That was a very excellent introduction to the story.

I thought the attackers were perhaps a bit too swift. The warning bell was ringing, then almost immediately, houses were burning inside the city.

This would only work if the enemy army had some soft of concealment where the guards only had warning when it was way too late, or they was discovered as they fired a volley of flaming arrows into the city. Both these options are entirely plausible, but I think you should either drop a hint as to how they did that during the attack, or have it revealed later on.

Great story!

Cheers! Nurv

[Nurvingiel]

Another small thing: I wouldn't really describe someone who's around 35 as a "young man". (From the very beginning.) I'd say once you're 25 or so you're no longer young in that sense.

You could say:

The city of Voskon was fast asleep as a guard, no older than thirty-five...

or:

The city of Voskon was fast asleep as a man, no older than thirty-five...

I couldn't think of any age-related suggestions to fit that category.