Death

[ArwenEvenstar]

I am so sad. One of my good friends was in a car crash and didn't make it. I feel really upset, but I'm not crying, what's wrong with me? I don't know why I'm telling a bunch of people I've never met this stuff, but none of my friends understand anything I talk about. It really sucks. I feel really bad for her family becasue they're going through every crappy thing imaganable and now their daughter was killed.

[jerseydevil]

That's really hard to deal with. It's always good to talk about it though - even if it is with a bunch of people you don't know. Sorry for your's and her family's lose. It must be really really difficult.

When my mother died - one of the things that helped was people bringing over food and stuff for us. It'll give you something positive to do and show the family that you are offering them your support. It may seem like a small thing - but it really meant a lot and really helped us out.

How old was she?

[Jonathan]

It's nothing wrong with you if you aren't crying. Many people who have to deal with such things don't always cry, the tears just won't come. But that doesn't mean they are not as sad as those who cry.
I believe it is good that you talk to people about how you feel, even though they are "a bunch of people you've never met". To better handling your feelings, share them.

My thoughts go with you and your friend's family.

[Lady Ravyn]

i know how you feel; i lost my Grandpa in April 2003 and didn't cry for a long time. i felt so heartless- espeacialy around my family. everyone else couldn't stop bawling and i just stood there, feeling awkward, trying to comfort everyone. but at Christmas, while i was shopping for everyone, i started thinking about what i'd get him. and then it hit me- he was gone. i started tearing up right in the middle of walden books and it was all i could do to duck into a back aisle and stifle my weeping. just because you don't cry for the person, doesn't mean you don't grieve for them; you're just grieving in your own way. the tears might come later, when you least expect it, but even if they don't, you shouldn't feel guilty or anything. your friend knows how you feel.
my condolences.

[Elenka]

Ok, so no one's died who's close to me - but I understand the feeling in a smaller kind of way.

Lately I've been really, really depressed, and so has my close friend. Recently she got very into killing herself, and while no attempt has been made as of yet, it really scares me. So I sit at home on my floor burning welts on my hand for everyone who will die needlessly, for stupid reasons. And I can't cry. It's like I've forgotten how to.

I'm sorry for you. This probably isn't a consolation, but in some cultures or religions, a person's death is considered a sad, but...not so bad thing - that they have completed one level of learning and were ready to move on to the next level in their next life. I find this comforting to think about. Maybe it's just me.

[Dúnedain]

I went through the same exact thing. When I was in 11th grade a good buddy of mine was killed in a car crash as well. It was probably one of the worst weeks of my life I remember that my friends and I basically just hung out together for like a week straight and were always together to talk about things, and laugh about the moments we all spent together with our friend. Stupidly we went and even saw the site of the crash and his car afterwards, which was unreal. I guess it's those things that help you cope and put things into perspective though. Unfortunately, nothing but time can heal something so tragic like this. It's been almost 9 years now since my friend died, and I still think about him. The biggest cliche, but it always happens to the best people. My recommendation is to remember the great things about your friend, hearing her laughter and moments you had together. It is those little things that will live with you forever and help the tragedy...

[Millane]

this probably isnt good advice, but in your situation i would go drink myself stupid with my friends, people always say that drinking doesnt help but it brings you closer to people and you can talk about anything, it does work with some people and you end up feeling better and you have gotten lots off you chest and i think you'll feel the better for it...

[Tessar]

Originally posted by Millane
this probably isnt good advice, but in your situation i would go drink myself stupid with my friends, people always say that drinking doesnt help but it brings you closer to people and you can talk about anything, it does work with some people and you end up feeling better and you have gotten lots off you chest and i think you'll feel the better for it...

No it's not a good idea at all. Do NOT go on a drinking benge, it won't do you any good in the long run.

People need to handle this sort of thing their own way, and it isn't always by crying. Or some times the tears just don't come for a long time, like Ravyn mentioned.

[Nurvingiel]

Millane's advice doesn't apply to everyone. Of course, no advice does. You just have to do what feels right for you, in terms of mourning your friend and dealing with your grief. (This is advice which you can heed or not at your discretion.)

I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I have no words that could do this.

You are not abnormal or insensitive for not crying. It is not the only way to express sadness and loss. If you do normally cry at sad events, it may be shock that is preventing tears.

In my own past experiences (which seem to be similar to other people's here), crying is not the first thing I do in a very sad situation.

I hope you have the fondest memories of your friend to sustain you.

[crickhollow]

Arwen E., everybody has their own way of dealing with stuff. I'm sorry you don't feel like you can talk to your friends about this. If you can get the words out (and I know that's not always possible either), talk to someone, even if it's only us mooters, or your journal.

when I went through it a few years ago, I felt like I could talk to God about it, but I was tired of all the people around me rehashing every detail they had heard. But they were just processing, too.

It seems like a lot of us have been through the junk and panic and tears or lack of tears because of stupid mistakes and drunk drivers.

[Nurvingiel]

crickhollow is right. And you can talk to us, post anything you want here.

[Nerdanel]

I'm so sorry for you. People around me have died too, but not as close friends as yours.

When my grandmother died, I really wanted to talk too - but not to my family. So I went to a friends house, and there we talked a long time. Just weeks before, her grandmother had died, too.
And if you don't find anyone to talk to, you know you can share your feeling or say just anything here. As you notice, many of us have experienced what you are experiencing now.

My thoughts are with you.

/Nerdanel

[gimli7410]

im sorry to hear that but my thought on this is that god always takes the best people from us early. my thoughts go out to you and your family

[ArwenEvenstar]

Thanks for your help, don't worry I'm won't go on a drinking binge I'm underage I don't remember who asked but she was 22.

When we went over to her family's house last night my mom practicly (sp) emptied (sp) our cupboards and now we have to go grocery shopping. The thing that made me really tear up was her little sister who's 8, when I went into her living room to watch tv with her she stood up, gave me a hug and said : "Did you know that Sarah's dead?" I said yeah and I started crying. I felt really dumb. When her parents went to see her in the hospital there wasn't a mark on her body, which I think is kinda creepy.

when I went through it a few years ago, I felt like I could talk to God about it

I would talk to God about this but just becasue no matter how much praying my family and me have done nothing got better, it just got worse and I just lost faith.

I'm kinda depressed right now and this really isn't helping me get out of my depression, I swear everything bad that could happen is happening!

[jerseydevil]

Originally posted by Millane
this probably isnt good advice, but in your situation i would go drink myself stupid with my friends, people always say that drinking doesnt help but it brings you closer to people and you can talk about anything, it does work with some people and you end up feeling better and you have gotten lots off you chest and i think you'll feel the better for it...

Alcohol is a depressant. That is also a good way of becoming an alcoholic.

[ArwenEvenstar]

My dad used to be an alcholic(sp) and he said that and smoking were the hardest things he ever had to stop. I just noticed that my family's really messed up!

[Valandil]

ArwenEvenstar, how are you doing today?

Many people think their families are messed up - especially teenagers. What's important to see there is that your family probably is not perfect. Nor should it be... if you can acknowledge that you're not perfect, it's only fair to cut your other family members a little slack when they prove to be imperfect themselves... and imperfect families are made of imperfect people. And that about describes us all.

Hang in there! Many have advised you to talk to someone. That can be good, but there are other things that can be good too. I'd suggest that you seek to talk to someone if you feel a need to talk. What may be even more important is 'presence'. In other words, 'being there' can be more important than 'saying the right thing'. Especially since we can never say the right thing. Try to be with others who are hurting from the same loss - and let other people just be with you as you deal with this loss.

Don't let a silence feel awkward... a presence during silence can still be a very supportive thing.

Is it possible for you to continue to visit your friend's family? Your continued visits would probably be a great help to them - and may help you more than you'd think. If any of them needs to talk to you (like the little sister) you can be a great help by just listening.

I hope this is of some little help. Many here seem to have lost someone themselves. I have too... almost 20 years ago I lost my best friend to leukemia. That was protracted rather than sudden, but I wouldn't want to say either one was harder than the other... I think they're both just hard in different ways. I'm a grown (old even) man, and I still cry about it now and then... especially if I think about him or talk about him too much.

Part of my solution was similar to Crickhollow's... I leaned on my relationship with God. My friend and his family were also Christians, and much of our friendship was based on our shared faith. That may not be the case for you, but I still think God can be a source of comfort to you. The 'why' questions always start to come - and there are no easy answers for them. Eventually though, there can be peace - even if there's still a little pain.

[ArwenEvenstar]

I'm doing ok today, I have been going to their house a lot, I also have to go to the wake tonight. I loathe wakes, the funeral is tomorrow, and I have to work after Oh well. I am doing my best to try to be helpful. I just think it's unfair that she had to go, but I won't lie to my self and say that she'll come back like some people I know. . .

On my family, it really is messed, my Grampie has cancer and I didn't find out 'til he started chemo (sp)(last week) and my sister who lives in a different province didn't know 'til yesterday when I told her on MSN and my Grammie told my mom that she's the bane of her exsistence and all sorts of other things.

[Spock]

This hits some people like a slug in the stomach. You can't breath, it hurts like heck but you can't and don't do anything at the moment except wait for the pain to go away.
When time has passed and realization set in appropriate emotions will find their way to the surface. Meanwhile just acknowledging what has happened will prepare you for what is coming.

[ArwenEvenstar]

I just got back from the party type thing after the funeral (well it resembled a party there was lots of drinking and laughing etc;... involved) and it just seemed really weird becasue people who were sobbing less then 12 hours ago were laughing, eating and drinking. Except for her fiancé (I know that's not spelt right . . .), I spent almost the whole night just sitting around and talking with him and her father. It was kinda odd, 'cause towards the end of the night I got them both laughing and we were joking and being happy. I think that some of the alcholic beverges had something to do with it though. But Jonathon (her fiancé[sp]) told me that I have a gift for making people laugh even when they're really depressed. I told my dad that and he said it was 'cause I was an idiot, but I wasn't really listening to him 'cause he was sloshed