Headlines from the year 2029

Shelob's Hubby · 10-01-2004, 07:24 PM

I recently got a chain e-mail of headlines from the year 2029. I thought of some of my own headlines, and wanted to see what other people could come up with as well. So go ahead and predict the future!

>Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
> White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language.
> Spotted Owl plague threatens northwest United States crops and livestock.
> Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.
> Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
> Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslin dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East, formally known as Iran, Afghanistan.
> Iraq is still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
> France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.
> Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
> George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
>Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
> 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
> Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
> Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
> Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
> Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
> Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
> New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
> Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.
> IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
> Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

And I thought of these.

After recovering from his death last month, Bob Barker has announced that he will continue to host The Price is Right for his 58th season running.

In order to raise awareness about the high costs of plastic surgery, Michael Jackson has released his newest album entitled “Six Billion Dollar Man.”

The Prime Minister of Canada, Arnold Shwarzenegger, has announced that he will continue to impose economic sanction against Uruguay because, "They're girly boys."

Scheduled to air this fall on CBS is “Survivor: Manhattan.”

The IOC has decided to hold the 2038 Olympics in the Vatican City.

New evidence is discovered concerning the OJ Simpson trial.

The last sane person · 10-02-2004, 09:45 PM

I like the one conserning that last fanatic muslim and the Iraqi one! I broke up laughing!

Last Child of Ungoliant · 10-15-2004, 07:31 AM

quite funny - i will have a go

> Britain announces its decision to join the United States of Europe
Chancellor Chirac declares that Britons will NOT be treated like second class citizens after joining the union
> Bruce Forsyth announces plans for a new tv series, to start on his 120th birthday
> King William declares that assasinating Prince Charles in order to get the throne after Elizabeth II was not morally wrong
> Switzerland continues to amass weapons of mass destruction - President Lewinsky declares war
> central asian confederation announces plans to grant china independence subject to cessation of hostilities with East Asian Warlords

***Valandil*** · 10-15-2004, 10:45 AM

Here's one.

Quote:

PROTESTERS MARCH IN THE STREETS, DEMANDING:

"EQUAL RIGHTS FOR CLONES!"

Last Child of Ungoliant · 10-15-2004, 10:46 AM

Jedi becomes official religion of United Kingdom

Shelob's Hubby · 10-15-2004, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Last Child of Ungoliant

Jedi becomes official religion of United Kingdom

Hurrah!!!

I really like the one about Switzerland LCU.

The last sane person · 10-16-2004, 03:12 PM

how about this?

>"a democrat is elected president!!"
>"Rome finally admits the right of women to become priests!"
>"The last muslim is blown up in the Province of Afgahnistan."

>"A strange wooden,green, leafy object is seen sprouting up from the ground next to the White House; president GMW calls for an immediate air strike, fearing that this is the new mode of weaponfor terrorists."

***Tessar*** · 10-16-2004, 03:17 PM

Possible link found between McDonalds and obesity problem in America. Ronald says it's "Highly unlikely," and suggests consumers try the new Really-Super-Huge-Size Me value meal!

***Earniel*** · 10-16-2004, 05:17 PM

20th aniversary of seal extinction is marked by fishermen claim that ghost seals continue to deplete fish stocks.

sad but true....

Wayfarer · 10-16-2004, 05:33 PM

Amazing how many of those are so likely to come true...

**Nurvingiel** · 10-20-2004, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shelob's Hubby

The Prime Minister of Canada, Arnold Shwarzenegger, has announced that he will continue to impose economic sanction against Uruguay because, "They're girly boys."

Aaaa, not Arnie! *dies*
"They're girly boys." LOL

I've got one...

University criteria updated
You must now take 10 classes per term to qualify as a full time student

And in a related article:

Students subsist entirely off coffee and caffeine pills
Students also have to hold a full time job in addition to their classes because tuition has reached record highs, and government funding is scant.

Falagar · 10-20-2004, 06:37 PM

-The huge statue of Norway's first president, Falagar the Allmighty, is finished; and during the opening cermony declared the ninth wonder of the world.

-Peace-negotiations are for the n'th time put to a halt in the middle-east, as a mad suicidebomber killed a few innocent people and Israel respondes by bombing a few innocent refugees.

-The last forest in the world is cut down. Government officials in Brazil are supposedly heard saying: "What, that was the last?!"

-Also, the last land-based animals are observed growing gills and migrating into the sea. According to rumour, their last statement was found written on a beach somewhere in Florida: "So long, and thanks for all the fish.".
"-and good riddance!" is the general response to this phenomenon.

Quote:

> King William declares that assasinating Prince Charles in order to get the throne after Elizabeth II was not morally wrong

...to which the newly genetically revived Charles replies; "It bloody well hurt anyway."

-Scientists and theologists argue about the size of Tor's hammer in the upcoming ragnarok.

-According to scientists, it is still possible to die of old age. "There may be some defects in the implements, allowing for old-age death. We'll see in a few hundred years." comments leading scientist L. A. Trommi.

Shelob's Hubby · 10-20-2004, 09:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

You must now take 10 classes per term to qualify as a full time student
And in a related article:
Students subsist entirely off coffee and caffeine pills
Students also have to hold a full time job in addition to their classes because tuition has reached record highs, and government funding is scant.

You aren't feeling the pressures of college are you?

Last Child of Ungoliant · 10-21-2004, 05:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Falagar

-Scientists and theologists argue about the size of Tor's hammer in the upcoming ragnarok.

-Odin decides to wade in and kill thor anyway,
and then sets up a new religion based on death to the azgard, and sustenance of the ettins

-A meteor impacts on the west coast of america, wiping out california and mexico. Refugees from both states move to the new republic of Texas, where King Bush II tells them to wage war on someone

matthew · 10-21-2004, 07:03 AM

I think I've seen those first ones before... conservative and evil, matthew no like.

***Jonathan*** · 11-29-2004, 07:27 PM

EXTRA: Entwife found!

More top stories -

> Microsoft goes bankrupt
> Miss Afghanistan wins Miss Universe pageant
> Burma junta falls. Aung Sun Suu Kyi elected Prime Minister
> US signs Kyoto treaty
> Russia joins EU

jerseydevil · 11-29-2004, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonathan

> US signs Kyoto treaty

Dream on.

Why would we sign something that is completely for show and is completely unworkable.

***Jonathan*** · 11-30-2004, 03:17 AM

< JD finally shuts up.
"At long last! We can do without his comments" says Mooter.

jerseydevil · 11-30-2004, 03:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonathan

< JD finally shuts up.
"At long last! We can do without his comments" says Mooter.

December 31st 2029 - 25th Anniversary of the famous Jonathong website which took the entire world by storm (improved and expanded from the hitherto unknown Jonathong wall calendar) and made creater Robert Rosetta aka JD famous and humilated Jonathong - err Jonathan.

BeardofPants · 11-30-2004, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonathan

< JD finally shuts up.
"At long last! We can do without his comments" says Mooter.

LMAO. He rabbits on about them more than I do... 'course, he's SEEN them more times than I have as well.

10-01-2004, 07:24 PM	#1
Shelob's Hubby Enting Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Somewhere between heaven and hell Posts: 73	Headlines from the year 2029 I recently got a chain e-mail of headlines from the year 2029. I thought of some of my own headlines, and wanted to see what other people could come up with as well. So go ahead and predict the future! >Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. > White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. > Spotted Owl plague threatens northwest United States crops and livestock. > Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. > Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. > Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslin dies in the American Territory of the Middle East, formally known as Iran, Afghanistan. > Iraq is still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. > France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. > Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. > George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. >Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. > 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. > Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. > Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. > Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. > Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. > Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. > New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. > Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. > IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. > Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine. And I thought of these. After recovering from his death last month, Bob Barker has announced that he will continue to host The Price is Right for his 58th season running. In order to raise awareness about the high costs of plastic surgery, Michael Jackson has released his newest album entitled “Six Billion Dollar Man.” The Prime Minister of Canada, Arnold Shwarzenegger, has announced that he will continue to impose economic sanction against Uruguay because, "They're girly boys." Scheduled to air this fall on CBS is “Survivor: Manhattan.” The IOC has decided to hold the 2038 Olympics in the Vatican City. New evidence is discovered concerning the OJ Simpson trial. __________________ Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? I think so Brain, but without ears, we look like weasels. "The next time I lent an ax to a surgeon, I would pick my century." A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. The Last Alliance of Orcs and Spiders

10-02-2004, 09:45 PM	#2
The last sane person The Black Númenórean Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 6,773	I like the one conserning that last fanatic muslim and the Iraqi one! I broke up laughing! __________________ Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

10-16-2004, 03:12 PM	#7
The last sane person The Black Númenórean Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 6,773	how about this? >"a democrat is elected president!!" >"Rome finally admits the right of women to become priests!" >"The last muslim is blown up in the Province of Afgahnistan." >"A strange wooden,green, leafy object is seen sprouting up from the ground next to the White House; president GMW calls for an immediate air strike, fearing that this is the new mode of weaponfor terrorists." __________________ Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

10-16-2004, 05:17 PM	#9
*Earniel* The Chocoholic Sea Elf Administrator Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: N?n in Eilph (Belgium) Posts: 14,363	20th aniversary of seal extinction is marked by fishermen claim that ghost seals continue to deplete fish stocks. sad but true.... __________________ We are not things.

10-16-2004, 05:33 PM	#10
Wayfarer The Insufferable Join Date: Aug 2001 Posts: 3,333	Amazing how many of those are so likely to come true... __________________ Disgraced he may be, yet is not dethroned, and keeps the rags of lordship once he owned

10-15-2004, 07:31 AM	#3
Last Child of Ungoliant The Intermittent One Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: here and there Posts: 4,671	quite funny - i will have a go > Britain announces its decision to join the United States of Europe Chancellor Chirac declares that Britons will NOT be treated like second class citizens after joining the union > Bruce Forsyth announces plans for a new tv series, to start on his 120th birthday > King William declares that assasinating Prince Charles in order to get the throne after Elizabeth II was not morally wrong > Switzerland continues to amass weapons of mass destruction - President Lewinsky declares war > central asian confederation announces plans to grant china independence subject to cessation of hostilities with East Asian Warlords

10-15-2004, 10:46 AM	#5
Last Child of Ungoliant The Intermittent One Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: here and there Posts: 4,671	Jedi becomes official religion of United Kingdom

10-16-2004, 03:17 PM	#8
*Tessar* Master and Wielder of the Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ Posts: 6,433	Possible link found between McDonalds and obesity problem in America. Ronald says it's "Highly unlikely," and suggests consumers try the new Really-Super-Huge-Size Me value meal!

10-21-2004, 07:03 AM	#15
matthew Enting Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 75	I think I've seen those first ones before... conservative and evil, matthew no like. __________________ Nai anar caluva tierelyanna Flame me. Go ahead. Matthew in 2028. One by one we're bringing them back. Vote Nader. Stop the hamster eaters!!!! End global warming! Turn on the AC!!! Gadzooks! Run!

11-29-2004, 07:27 PM	#16
*Jonathan* Entmoot Attorney-General, Equilibrating the Scales of Justice, Administrator ♎ Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Stockholm, Sweden Posts: 3,891	EXTRA: Entwife found! More top stories - > Microsoft goes bankrupt > Miss Afghanistan wins Miss Universe pageant > Burma junta falls. Aung Sun Suu Kyi elected Prime Minister > US signs Kyoto treaty > Russia joins EU __________________ An unwritten post is a delightful universe of infinite possibilities. Set down one word, however, and it immediately becomes earthbound. Set down one sentence and it’s halfway to being just like every other bloody entry that’s ever been written. ☻

11-30-2004, 03:17 AM	#18
*Jonathan* Entmoot Attorney-General, Equilibrating the Scales of Justice, Administrator ♎ Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Stockholm, Sweden Posts: 3,891	< JD finally shuts up. "At long last! We can do without his comments" says Mooter. __________________ An unwritten post is a delightful universe of infinite possibilities. Set down one word, however, and it immediately becomes earthbound. Set down one sentence and it’s halfway to being just like every other bloody entry that’s ever been written. ☻

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